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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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This was given to me tonight by a visiting deaf pastor from Arizona. 1. Thar's jist one God. 2. Honor yer Ma and Pa. 3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'. 4. Get yourself to Sunday meetin'. 5. Put nothin' before God. 6. No foolen' round with another feller's gal. 7. No murderin' 8. Watch yer mouth and yer sign language. 9. Don't take what ain't yers. 10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Last reply by qwerty guy, -
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This brought a tear to my eye! Hope this touches you the way it touched me! GOODBYE MOM A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." …
Last reply by chev1958, -
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[tube]McB9tsabPn0[/tube] [tube]RQ2d7Y1O4-U[/tube] [tube]NvH3YQGQwLM[/tube] [tube]dOSA3_5Jn_g[/tube]
Last reply by John81, -
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I have been traveling these past two weeks through Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Illinois. I came upon these signs at a little general store/gas station just outside of Nashville TN. I laughed so hard the clerk though I had lost my mind! Hanging above the counter where they sell cigarettes these two signs were posted, and I asked her if she would make a copy of them for me. I want to share them with y'all: (DUE TO OUR DUMB LAWMAKERS) NOTICE A STUPID NEW LAW HAS BEEN PASSED AND EFFECTIVE JULY 1ST, 2007 WE WILL NOW HAVE TO CARD EVERYONE BUYING AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE. THIS MEANS IF YOU ARE 100 YEARS OLD WE WILL STILL NEED TO SEE YOUR I.D. WE ARE SORRY…
Last reply by John81, -
- 4 replies
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Why Ask Why? If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? What disease did cured ham have? Why do we say "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every hour and a half? Why do alarm clocks "go off" when they start making noise? Why do we yell "Heads up!" when we should be yelling "Heads down!" Why is it so hard to remember how to spell "mnemonic"? Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down very, very slowly? When French people swear, do they say, "Pardon my English"? Why is it called the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why are they called marbles, if they're made out of glass? What colo…
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some ACTUAL maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem (S) = Solution (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. (P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage. (P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit. (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) DME volume unbelievably …
Last reply by John81, -
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Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. 7. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 8. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing w…
Last reply by LAF, -
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Rich was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds....AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rich got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rich has been missing since Friday.
Last reply by John81, -
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- 3 replies
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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Last reply by John81, -
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Here are a few things to think about while you are relaxing... Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Why are you IN a movie, but you'r…
Last reply by Madeline, -
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Last reply by qwerty guy, -
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A navy relative sent me this to my email box. I didn't write it but i thought it was really funny. I truly love our military and support our troops, but if anybody finds this joke offensive to the military then feel free to have the mods delete it! Military Rules By Service/Corps: >> >> Marine Corps Rules: >> >> 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. >> 2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. >> 3. ! Have a plan. >> 4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't >> work. >> 5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone >> you meet. >> 6. D…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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Flubbed Headlines Toronto Suspects Hate Crime Massachusetts Woman Has Eye on Kerry's Seat Man Killed Over Phone Passengers Feeling Airline Crew Cuts Water Skiing Accident Ruled Accidental Judge Not Convinced Murder Victim Is Alive Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Police Man Shoots Man with a Knife Dealers Will Hear a Car Talk at Noon Miners Refuse to Work after Death Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Youth Steals Funds for Charity Music Industry Meets on Drugs Oil Barge Breaks off Texas
Last reply by IM4given, -
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DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS? Dentist's Hymn........ ....... .....Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn........ ....There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn........ .......The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn........ ........Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn........ ......There' s a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn........ ..Standing on the Promises Optometrist' s Hymn........ ......Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn........ .I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn........ .......Pass It On The Electrician' s Hymn........ Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn........ ....Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn........ .....…
Last reply by 5dumplings@home, -
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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He looked at Tom and asked, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant.
Last reply by IM4given, -
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Last reply by IM4given, -
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Get Your Money's Worth EACH YEAR, Sam and Sarah went to the state fair, where Sam would ask Sarah to take a ride with him in an open biplane for $10. But each year, Sarah would refuse, saying, "Ten dollars is $10." Finally, after several years of this, the pilot offered to take them for a ride for free if neither of them would say a word during the flight. Sam and Sarah agreed, and off they flew as the pilot took them through loops, spins and dives. They never said a word. As they landed, the pilot said over his shoulder to Sam, "I thought for sure you'd say something with all the maneuvers I did." "I should have said something when Sarah fell out," Sam replied…
Last reply by John81, -
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- 599 views
Ashes to Ashes A 6-YEAR-OLD boy asked his mother if it's true that God made man from dust. "Yes, son, it's true that we're made from dust, and to dust we shall return," replied his mom. "Well," said the boy, "I just looked under my bed, and there's someone either coming or going."
Last reply by John81, -
- 5 replies
- 655 views
Because our former small-town Church was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to wire lights. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some folk were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying. Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?" There was quite an outburst from the …
Last reply by sarcrew, -
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1. There is only one stop sign or stop light(oh and the stop sign might say stop on both sides) 2. When you are related to almost all of the population 3. When your dog dies and get sympathy cards 4. When kids getting their lunch money stole at school makes the front page 5. When you can walk out your front door and see both sides of the city limits. 6. Your town phone book ain't got no yellow pages 7. You call a wrong number and talk for an hour because you know them too 8. Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the paper to see whether the publisher got it right. 9. The New Year's baby wasn't born until January 25th. 10. When…
Last reply by CJP56, -
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- 557 views
The Obedient Wife There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wif…
Last reply by canesnc5, -
- 2 replies
- 429 views
It was so hot that Cows were giving evaporated milk. You fed the chickens cracked ice so they wouldn't lay hard boiled eggs. My outside thermometer was banging on the door to come inside. I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking. I saw a fire hydrant fighting over two dogs. Hot water now comes out of both taps. My fried green tomatoes are still on the vine. People are climbing in their hot tubs just to cool off. I went to a sushi bar and all they had was fried fish. My thermometer had to go back to college and get another degree. My Right Guard left. I'm moving to Australia. It's winter there now.
Last reply by canesnc5, -
- 11 replies
- 1k views
Got this in my email - it's good for a chuckle: YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house with…
Last reply by canesnc5, -
- 3 replies
- 514 views
Wayne You have to click on it to see it full size to read it.
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger,
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By BrotherTony · Posted
I had my Dad die from cancer back in June of 2000, and I couldn't be there for his death. I was there just a few weeks before he passed. My birth father has pushed everyone away except for his grandchildren. My relationship with him has been tenuous at best. My niece just sent a text telling me that he is unresponsive, but still breathing. He'll probably pass away in the next few hours. -
By 1Timothy115 · Posted
Folks, A brother here at OB developed an online download KJV Bible for PCs and Phones. I recently had to do a phone factory reset and lost the app and the saved link address. Anyone here have that link or know the brother, sadly I can't remember who he was. I must have turned 71 on November 1st, can't remember like I used to 😱. Thanks in advance. -
I feel for you, bro. I went through the same thing although none of my siblings helped me out. -
By BrotherTony · Posted
My birth father's hospice nurse and doctor have given him a few days at the most to live. We have witnessed to him several times, sent him Gospel tracts and prayed for him for the past 40 years. He did ask for a preacher to come and talk to him, and my niece's pastor went and talked to him. At any rate, Pop can't keep anything straight now, and his organs have started to shut down. I spoke to him for just a few minutes last evening and told him I loved him. I know I won't be able to speak with him again. His passing will bring it's own set of challenges as my stepmom is starting to go into full blown Alzheimer's. There's only her sister left to care for her after Pop passes. Please pray for this whole situation and for my Pop's peaceful passing. My wife and I won't be able to make a trip up to Corydon IN , and he wants no services or memorials. Thanks in advance BT -
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