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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times! 
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945 topics in this forum
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- 5 replies
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Nothing. It just waved! :wave:
Last reply by JB3DM, -
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She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" ********************************************************************* My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" ********************************************************************* After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks a…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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- 7 replies
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It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to sort of loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to go sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at l…
Last reply by kevinmiller, -
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Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: 1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is…
Last reply by jamesnc2006, -
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[tube]bFw2LxKB4i4[/tube]
Last reply by Sophie, -
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*Laws of Parenting* 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. 8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. 9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
Last reply by Anon, -
- 14 replies
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My intention is not to offend anybody or get anyone upset. However, there are times when it might be good to know what sort of a church you are in, especially if you have recently moved and are looking for a new church home, as I was. I just thought I would share a few basic tips regarding how to know if you are in one of these new seeker sensitive churches, based on some of my own experiences. It isn't always very obvious. If I had known about these things before hand it would have made my life a lot easier.... If the the only two people in the building who are wearing dresses are yourself and the man who held the door open for you when you entered, you might be in a S…
Last reply by falin115, -
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Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million peo…
Last reply by tired, -
The Hermeneutics of the Stop Sign (Found on the Internet) Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you, the exegete, interpret the stop sign. 1. A post-modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with the car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic. 2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because she sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. She concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road. 3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he …
Last reply by tap.emtp, -
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According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the …
Last reply by tap.emtp, -
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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Exactly where you left him!!! :lol:
Last reply by Kayla, -
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My wife just told me this happened to her. She took the kids out to a local zoo this week, and while out there, a lady came up and told my wife there was a sticker on her bottom. My wife pulled the sticker off, and discovered it was a sticker from my son's new toy. What to most stickers say on toys? - Try Me!
Last reply by matie-k, -
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Build an Ark The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a …
Last reply by IM4given, -
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A school teacher injured his back in the summertime and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body for weeks. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. He transferred to a new inner-city school on top of that. On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in that rowdy school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. From that time on he had no trouble with discipline in his class.
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
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Kyle walked up to his teacher
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
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A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew." "Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?" "Just once," the man replied. The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?" And the man said, "I was looking for my father.…
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
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Hey! It's MY turn to sit in the front pew! I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over by 25 minutes. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early! Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. :lol :lol
Last reply by Anon, -
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Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, "Take only one, God is watching." Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples." :lol:
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
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- 9 replies
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"we're too young! we cantelope"
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
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Two men were coming out of church one Sunday morning, and the Pastor was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed one of the men by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" questioned the Pastor. He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." :lol :lol:
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
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An oldie, but a goodie..... ----------------------------------------------- A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog. They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?" Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description." So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bibl…
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
- 3 replies
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THE MOMMY TEST A mother and her 4-year-old daughter were walking in the park one day when the little girl picked something up off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The diligent mother took the item away from her and told her not to do that. "Why?" the daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," the mother replied. At this point, the little girl looked at her mother with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" Thinking quickly, the mother replied, "Uh, all moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you b…
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
- 1 reply
- 480 views
Buffy bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it was too hard. None of the pieces fit together. "I can't find any of the edges," Buffy told a friend by phone. "What's the picture of?" "A big rooster." "All right," her friend said, "I'll come over and take a look." Buffy led her friend into her kitchen and showed him the puzzle on the table. "For Pete's sake, Buffy," her friend exclaimed after seeing the table. "Put the Corn Flakes back in the box!"
Last reply by Bakershalfdozen, -
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1. go to http://www.google.com 2. click on "maps" 3. click on "get directions" 4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box) 5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box) 6. click on "get directions" 7. note the drive time at the top 8. scroll down to step # 22
Last reply by hermanj, -
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- 1 reply
- 652 views
Surveillance camera is for recreational purposes only.
Last reply by John81,
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By BrotherTony · Posted
So .he believes not only in the "preservation" of the Bible for the English speaking people to be the KJV, but that it's also "inspired?" He apparently believes in the double inspiration theory put forth by the likes of Peter Ruckman. Sorry, but you'll NEVER get me to buy into that position. -
Am I feeling sorry for myself, or hoping for pity from others? Absolutely not; I consider it an honor to follow the path the Lord has prepared for me. It is a great honor to be treated as Jesus and the prophets were treated. I have been accused many times of things I haven’t done. I remain faithful to the Lord Jesus and offer myself, a living sacrifice, that the truth of His gospel may abound, and that false doctrines and speculations and every lofty thing might be destroyed. I don’t have the luxury of telling people what they want to hear; I will keep speaking the truth. I am allowed to follow this man and that man, or this doctrine and that doctrine; I am led to follow Jesus. And this I have done, and for this I am regarded by many as an outcast, unfit to be accepted. The times of the restoration of all things is at hand, I press forward, endeavoring to snatch from the fire those who have been deceived to lift themselves up to God’s level, those who claim to be equal to Christ in their authority, those who hold fast to doctrines of men, and even those who have unjustly mistreated me. I am a child of the Son of God, separated by Him, ordained by Him, and commissioned by Him. I will not betray Him. I will continue worshipping him, regardless of what might befall me. Help me lord -
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Wow, good thing I don’t believe in the Calvinistic god!
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By BrotherTony · Posted
I've NEVER been able to understand how people could fall for the tripe that is Calvinism.
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