Engagements to unbelievers

[Salyan]

Fasten your seatbelts, everyone, I've got another touchy topic to throw at you.

I have an Christian acquaintance who has recently left church and is living in the world. She moved in with an unbelieving boyfriend, and is now engaged to be married. My question is - how should I respond to this? I'm glad they're getting married rather than living together, and I'd like to be encouraging and supportive (she really doesn't need any more negativity in her life right now, especially from other believers), but since he isn't saved, I can't see where I can encourage and celebrate this engagement. I've been so torn as to how to respond that I haven't even said congratulations yet.

What are y'all's thoughts on responding to a situation like this? Let's assume for the sake of argument that she is in fact a believer...

[HappyChristian]

salyan, that is a touchy thing...but scripture is very clear:

2 Corinthians 5:14-16

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?

And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

These verses cover the gamut of relationships with the lost. And marriage would most definitely fit in. If she is a believer, and he is not, then she is not to be yoked.

However, just pointing out these verses won't necessarily mean much to her if she is not interested in being right with the Lord. You really can't be supportive of the marriage because he isn't saved - and if you encourage her, you would be encouraging her to go against scriptural principles.

I tried to tell the parents of someone I know the very same thing, but they actually thought I was being self-righteous. Within 6 months of the marriage, the mother was telling me they wish they'd have listened to what I said (now, realize that the parents and the woman are all Christians). The marriage has ended, after years of alcoholism, drug use, gambling, leaving two daughters who don't know what right and wrong are.

It is never right to do wrong in order to do right. They shouldn't be living together, but they definitely shouldn't get married.

Perhaps you could have a private dinner with your friend (a restaurant wouldn't be a good idea because it is a public place and could be embarrassing) and bring her to those verses and tell her your concerns. She could get angry at you, or God could use this to bring her back to Himself.

Bathe your concerns in prayer before you approach her. But approach her you need to..."Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." This verse saying brethren and men doesn't preclude women....

[no name joe]

This person is just an acquaintance. This is her life and her decision. Tell her congratulations and that you are happy she is getting married, and then if they do not have a church home, tell them you would love to have them visit your church.

If she asks for your opinion, feel free to offer it, but if she does not ask, then give no opinion and just tell her you are happy they are getting married. Otherwise, you risk alienating this person.

[Annie]

Good ideas, HC. On a purely "social" level, which is concerned with etiquette, etc., the proper thing to say is, "Congratulations." However, I'm afraid the word would stick in my throat, too, in this case.

You call this person "a Christian acquaintance." How deep does your friendship go?

[Salyan]

You call this person "a Christian acquaintance." How deep does your friendship go?

Not very, I'm afraid - I barely ever talk to her. I'm good friends with her sister, and when she used to attend church, she came to mine. So in this particular case, the implications of 'approval' go deeper than just social niceties - I'm a bit concerned that if the other young(er) people in my circle see me responding positively to a situation like this (say for instance if I congratulated her on FB, which would probably be the case), they might be influenced to think that 'it's not all that bad.'

[John81]

LuAnne gave sound bilbical words to consider. Pay no heed to what kindofblue wrote as it's totally unbiblical.

I might add to what LuAnne put forth only one point. You say she left the church and is living in the world. This might be a good point to address first. If you have a meeting with her, as LuAnne suggested, you may want to see if you can find out what her relationship with Christ is. The door is open to mention you have noticed she hasn't been to church in some time and you were wondering how her faith is holding up (just a quick sentence here, hopefully you will be able to tailor something that fits with the both of you to address the subject).

The reason I mention this is because if she has backslid, or decided she no longer cares about those things, it would be of little use to jump into the subject of her sinful relationship and what Scripture says about it.

If she has turned from God, or perhaps may be unsaved, then you may have an opportunity to discuss the Gospel with her and attempt to help restore her or bring her to Christ.

If she is still declaring to be a Christian interested in the things of God then you have an opening to share with her what the Bible says about her recent choices.

Beyond that, I would try to follow close to what LuAnne suggested.

Oh, you are right not to want to congratulate her or them. Scripture warns against wishing Godspeed to the wicked and congratulating someone for practicing sin would be wrong.

I commend you for your concern for this person and wanting to help them.

[Anon]

Difficult question!

I have a close friend (out of the area, though) whose husband molested their daughter. Long story short, they are now divorced and the husband is headed for a sex offender list and major probation and lost all custody rights to his children. My friend is saved (I assume) and the husband claimed to be saved but I have a hard time believing that for other reasons.

However with the extreme hurt involved, my friend moved in with a guy....and they will get married next year. She knows its not "right" yet right now she doesn't care....so I don't tell her she's wrong because she already knows I think its wrong. Although I have told her I'm happy she's getting married and that I'm happy he treats her well (her old one did NOT). What can I do? I cannot change her....she doesn't even go to church very much (they drop the kids off). Shes not the same person I used to be friends with. However I want her to know I'm still here for her as a friend. We don't write a whole lot but it would not change her lifestyle if I told her I would never speak to her again. So....I just want her to know that I'll always be her friend and I pray that she will get back into church. Her fiance may or may not be saved, I'm not sure...she thinks he may be....not sure how much they discuss it.

Anyway.....I feel like as long as the person knows you disagree with the choice you can still be a loving friend through the process.

[heartstrings]

Deuteronomy 22:28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; 29Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

Somehow I don't believe boyfriend is sleeping on the couch. I think that's called 'common law' marriage?

[Miss Linda]

I have a personal anecdote that relates to the issue discussed here.

I had a friend whom I met in church and initially I liked her very much. She remains one of the nicest people I have ever met. She had a sweet, gentle spirit and I enjoyed talking to her and being around her. Much to my dismay, she chose to disobey God's Word, allowed some man to talk her into a promiscuous lifestyle and decided to live with him rather than marry him. I was appalled when she told me. We had a couple of serious discussions about the issue and I was (and remain) in great fear for her soul. She persisted in her course of action--she said she was "in love". (Apparently being in love with a man trumps loving God). The lifestyle she chose is clearly in disobedience and I had no choice but to end our association. I told her that as much as it pained me to do so, I had to ask her to no longer contact me as long as she continued to adopt this sinful lifestyle. The last I heard, she has left the church altogether and has moved further into a sinful lifestyle. This fellow she took up with was not a church-going man, so I have no idea what she ever saw in him.

It saddened me greatly to end that friendship, but I had no choice. I still miss her, but I will have nothing to do with her until she repents her sinful lifestyle and returns to an obedient life. I can do no less. God's Word is clear on this issue. It doesn't matter in the least what I "feel" about it. Where God's Word is clear, I must obey. I am His first and foremost.

I am far more worried about offending God by disobeying His precepts with respect to associating with people leading sinful lves in open disobedience to the Scripture than I am about offending a friend. The truth is, if a person is openly disobeying God's Word, then how can we be friends? We have no more common ground. Christ has no concord with Belial.

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? For ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, and will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be My sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty." (II Corinthians 6:14-18)

I love what Matthew Henry says about this subject:

There is a great deal of danger in communicating with unbelievers, danger of being defiled and of being rejected; therefore, the exhortation is (II Corinthians 6:17) to come out from among them, to be separate, as one would avoid the society of those who have leprosy or the plague, and not to touch the unclean thing. We must take care not to defile ourselves by conversation with those who defile themselves with sin. It is base ingratitude to God for all the favors He has bestowed on believers and promised to them. God has promised to be a Father to them and that they shall all be His sons and His daughters. Is there a greater honor or happiness than this?

[HappyChristian]

slayan, I thought about this a lot last night...

Even though you say you don't know her well, you said you are good friends with her sister, and that she did attend her church. I believe those are close enough grounds for you to speak to her re: yoking with an unbeliever, if the Lord actually leads you that way.

As I said, it must be bathed in prayer, because there is also the principle of messing in business that isn't ours. Proverbs 26:17 says:

He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears.

If you are simply passing by her life, then what will be her strife doesn't belong to you. But I have to say that, since you are friends with her sister, and since she did attend church with you, I think it's a bit more than passing by....but only you will know that.

Regardless of whether you know her well or not, there is something about which I don't know if you thought. Giving congratulations is a social nicety, but for a Christian, doesn't it go deeper than that?

Our words are supposed to mean something, and we are held accountable for them. When we congratulate people, we are telling them that we believe they have done well with something. Do you believe that of her actions? I know you don't, but think about it...

If you congratulate her, you will be lying - because you don't believe she's doing something right or well (and you have scriptural grounds for that, so it isn't just personal opinion).

Another thing to think about is that, by congratulating her, you are actually encouraging her. Can you honestly do that? Encourage her to further disobey the Word of God?

I don't think your concern is simply worry...I know you love the Lord dearly, and I believe the Holy Spirit has already told you that you can't encourage this by offering her congratulations.

[Miss Linda]

slayan, I thought about this a lot last night...

Even though you say you don't know her well, you said you are good friends with her sister, and that she did attend her church. I believe those are close enough grounds for you to speak to her re: yoking with an unbeliever, if the Lord actually leads you that way.

As I said, it must be bathed in prayer, because there is also the principle of messing in business that isn't ours. Proverbs 26:17 says:



If you are simply passing by her life, then what will be her strife doesn't belong to you. But I have to say that, since you are friends with her sister, and since she did attend church with you, I think it's a bit more than passing by....but only you will know that.

Regardless of whether you know her well or not, there is something about which I don't know if you thought. Giving congratulations is a social nicety, but for a Christian, doesn't it go deeper than that?

Our words are supposed to mean something, and we are held accountable for them. When we congratulate people, we are telling them that we believe they have done well with something. Do you believe that of her actions? I know you don't, but think about it...

If you congratulate her, you will be lying - because you don't believe she's doing something right or well (and you have scriptural grounds for that, so it isn't just personal opinion).

Another thing to think about is that, by congratulating her, you are actually encouraging her. Can you honestly do that? Encourage her to further disobey the Word of God?

I don't think your concern is simply worry...I know you love the Lord dearly, and I believe the Holy Spirit has already told you that you can't encourage this by offering her congratulations.

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