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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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Chelsea Clinton was conversing with a serviceman about the Iraq war. She asked if there is anything he is afraid of:::: ...and, The serviceman told her he was only afraid of three things:::: OSAMA ...and, OBAMA ...and, YO MAMA!!!!!!!!
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
- 3 replies
- 490 views
Referrals* When a doctor began attending church services the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa. One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.
Last reply by Salyan, -
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Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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LOOKS LIKE IT'S TRUE... After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health: 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer Heart attacks than we do. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer Heart attacks than we do. 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer Fewer heart attacks than we do. 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and Suffer fewer heart attacks than we do. 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and Fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you, but the The …
Last reply by Chelle, -
- 2 replies
- 431 views
DUH! Actual Headlines Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find --- The Los Angeles Times Light' meals are lower in fat, calories -- Huntington Herald-Dispatch Alcohol ads promote drinking -- The Hartford Courant Infertility unlikely to be passed on --- Montgomery Advertiser Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link --- Cornell Daily Sun Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut --- The New York Times Malls try to attract shoppers -- The Baltimore Sun Official: Only rain will cure drought -- The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Last reply by Marcus2Israel, -
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- 770 views
A Bible character with no name Who, stolen away from family, came To save a life, to save it twice To save a man who sin enticed.
Last reply by Salyan, -
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A Bible character without a name Whose body never to corruption came; Who died a death none died before, Whose shroud is sold in every grocery store.
Last reply by Bakershalfdozen, -
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Friends Come in All Sizes; ...They will Support You; ...And Respect Your Creativity for Thinking Outside the Box; They'll Be There When You Need a Shoulder to Lean on; ...Or If You Need a Great Big Hug;
Last reply by Madeline, -
You heard me once, then you heard me again, then I die until you call me again... What am I?
Last reply by qwerty guy, -
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I Heard this from my dad. (I think) This is not exactly like I first heard it, (I think) but the essentials are the same I hope you like it. The Inflatable Boy There was an inflatable boy who was getting bored at his inflatable school, so one day he walked out of his inflatable classroom and walked down the inflatable hallway. As he was walking, the inflatable principal walked by saying, "What are you doing here?" In fright the inflatable boy pulled aout a pin and popped the principal. A minute later the inflatable boy was out of the inflatable school. Looking back he said to himself, "I don't like that school!" So he took out his pin and popped the inflatable …
Last reply by John81, -
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Dear Abby My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman - you don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New Yo…
Last reply by John81, -
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How Full is the Glass? Narrator: A glass filled with water rests upon a table. Optimist: The glass is half full Pessimist: The glass is half empty Engineer: The glass is twice as large as it needs to be Nihilist: There is no glass. Solipsist: I am not thirsty. Objectivist: The glass is filled with water. I am still not thirsty. Fascist: Bring me the glass. Communist: Bring me the glass and make a cup with your hands. Socialist: There's enough water in this glass for everyone. Anarchist: Break the glass. America Circa 2007: Pour the water on the face of tied down suspects. True Christian: (quietly bows head in prayer - water immediatel…
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." :dunno: The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." :roll "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" :cool "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything…
Last reply by John81, -
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Here are some random thoughts.... How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Why do people pay money to go up tall buildings and then put money into bincoulars so they can look at the ground? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? If Wile Coyote had enough money to buy all that stuff from Acme, why didn't he just go out and buy a good dinner? Did you ever notice that when you blow into a dogs face he gets mad at you but when you get into a car a dog sticks his head ou…
Last reply by tired, -
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- 6 replies
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THE YEAR ' S BEST (actual) HEADLINES Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! ) Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (No, really? ) Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Now that's taking things a bit far! ) Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (What a guy! ) Miners Refuse to Work after Death (Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos! ) Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (See if that works any better than a fair trial! ) War Dims Hope for Peace (I can see where it might have that effect! ) If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (Ya think?! ) Cold Wave L…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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IDIOT SIGHTING : We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, '…
Last reply by angels1203, -
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- Administrators
- 8 replies
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http://cache.valleywag.com/assets/resou ... nclean.swf I licked - I mean liked - this.
Last reply by Selah, -
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Pet Diaries
by LAF- 3 replies
- 541 views
Pet Diaries DOG DIARY 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! CAT DIARY Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. T…
Last reply by matie-k, -
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- 401 views
The local news station was interviewing and 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting." the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she …
Last reply by MilkmanDan, -
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: …
Last reply by John81, -
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- 477 views
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want t…
Last reply by John81, -
God Created
by LAF- 1 reply
- 559 views
I still think we got the better deal. God is good. On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Do…
Last reply by John81, -
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- Administrators
- 6 replies
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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? …
Last reply by DaveW, -
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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents Because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked. "YES!!" stated the waitress. "I'll take the special then." my wife said. "How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked. "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once!!
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- Administrators
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A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART! Why WALMART??? HELLOOOOOOOOO! WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
Last reply by Madeline, -
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By BrotherTony · Posted
I had my Dad die from cancer back in June of 2000, and I couldn't be there for his death. I was there just a few weeks before he passed. My birth father has pushed everyone away except for his grandchildren. My relationship with him has been tenuous at best. My niece just sent a text telling me that he is unresponsive, but still breathing. He'll probably pass away in the next few hours. -
By 1Timothy115 · Posted
Folks, A brother here at OB developed an online download KJV Bible for PCs and Phones. I recently had to do a phone factory reset and lost the app and the saved link address. Anyone here have that link or know the brother, sadly I can't remember who he was. I must have turned 71 on November 1st, can't remember like I used to 😱. Thanks in advance. -
I feel for you, bro. I went through the same thing although none of my siblings helped me out. -
By BrotherTony · Posted
My birth father's hospice nurse and doctor have given him a few days at the most to live. We have witnessed to him several times, sent him Gospel tracts and prayed for him for the past 40 years. He did ask for a preacher to come and talk to him, and my niece's pastor went and talked to him. At any rate, Pop can't keep anything straight now, and his organs have started to shut down. I spoke to him for just a few minutes last evening and told him I loved him. I know I won't be able to speak with him again. His passing will bring it's own set of challenges as my stepmom is starting to go into full blown Alzheimer's. There's only her sister left to care for her after Pop passes. Please pray for this whole situation and for my Pop's peaceful passing. My wife and I won't be able to make a trip up to Corydon IN , and he wants no services or memorials. Thanks in advance BT -
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