What to do with an unrepentant adulterer spouse

[Grace&Mercy]

any christian opinion on this;

eat pride and tolerate such evil deed w/o consequence? accept longsuffering with joy? divorce? bill of separation? remarriage? take legal action might be punishable by death least is prison time & deportation? (under sharia law)

 

the situation:

christian couple and they couple have an 11yr old son

-already caught & admitted verbally the sin committed (not on the sex act)

-do not want to cut ties with the 3rd party

-no change in attitude

-on effort to heal or fix the damage done

-prideful

-blatant disrespect & disregard to the aggrieved party

-doesn't want pastor counseling

-6 months nothing has changed seems hopeless & unfixable

 

[TheSword]

1 Cor 5 is the guidepost for such a case, particularly vv. 1-5 from the church perspective. It parallels this situation remarkably well. In such a case, Paul exhorts the church to remove the person from fellowship so that God may deal with him/her and so that the sin doesn't infect and tear down the church. Keep in mind that it should be done with love and a mind toward restoration and not a hateful shunning that drives the person away from Christ for the rest of his/her life (see 2 Cor 2:6-11 which seems to indicate the man in 1 Cor 5 ultimately repented and was restored to the church fellowship).

From the perspective of the wronged spouse, adultery is the only reason ever given any valid grounds for divorce (Matt 5:32) because the unfaithful spouse has already broken the marriage covenant. However, reconciliation should always be sought first. While divorce may be permissible or even justifiable, it is never a great option. Principles of love and forgiveness should be the rule. If the spouse is willing to repent and seek forgiveness and reconciliation, all effort should be made to give it to him/her. As a child of divorced parents, I can attest to the devastation all of this causes on the family; not just the immediate pain it causes, but the lifelong confusion and mixed message that can cause great spiritual harm in the end. My wife's parents battled through an affair, and while it was incredibly hard on the family for a while, they're still together and the family as a whole is better for it.

Edited July 7, 2015 by TheSword
spelling

[Ukulelemike]

I agree that reconciliation should be sought. A separation might be in order, though not initially divorce, to allow him to consider the seriousness of his actions, and maybe in time he will repent. But if it continues and there is no repentance, I do believe divorce is the correct course of action.

The marriage is supposed to emulate the relationship of Jesus and His churches. A church that is continually unfaithful, the Lord has said He will remove their candle from its place. That doesn't mean any loss of salvation, but the local church itself might be rejected for unfaithfulness. But He will put up with a lot, even to being locked out, for a long time, before doing so. See the church at Laodicea in Rev 3.

So be patient and prayerful, and faithful to him and to God, separate if necessary, but I would think, if he wants a divorce, let him do the deed, not you. Let it be in his court.

[wretched]

Grace and Mercy is male according to his profile.

Hopefully you are giving the whole story. I recommend you give both sides as best and honestly as you can if you expect a serious, Scriptural answer. I know the OP seems cut and dry but these things absolutely never are and besides I am not 100% sure of what the OP is saying, whether in code or just typos.

So, this is not necessarily directed at you but it does seem folks just want an echo to what they have already decided or want to hear and not real Scriptural guidance.

Fornication and adultery are not the same thing in Scripture. Even Matt 5:32 addresses them as presented and defined separate from each other. We can commit adultery against God. Scripture defines adultery as a turning away of the heart, not a sexual thing. Now fornication can lead to adultery and adultery can lead to fornication so there is a connection between the two obviously but they are not the same thing.

Men can commit fornication all day long with numberous women without their heart ever turning away from their wife. A woman however is wired very different and if fornication has occured, she most likely has turned her heart away from her husband already.

In my experience men fall into bed but decide to love. I have never in my life met a man who has decided to love two women HA!

Women are the opposite: they fall in love but decide to bed. We are polar opposites emotionnally in most cases unless the dude is effeminate.

Edited July 7, 2015 by wretched

[TheSword]

Fornication and adultery are not the same thing in Scripture. Even Matt 5:32 addresses them as presented and defined separate from each other. We can commit adultery against God. Scripture defines adultery as a turning away of the heart, not a sexual thing. Now fornication can lead to adultery and adultery can lead to fornication so there is a connection between the two obviously but they are not the same thing.

Men can commit fornication all day long with numberous women without their heart ever turning away from their wife. A woman however is wired very different and if fornication has occured, she most likely has turned her heart away from her husband already.

Perhaps this is a topic to take up in a separate thread, but I have to disagree with you on this one. I'll state up front that I believe fornication is any deviation from God's plan for marriage (1 man and 1 woman for 1 lifetime) and adultery is specific type of fornication. I'm not sure how exactly you're drawing the conclusion that adultery as strictly a turning away of the heart without any physical aspect. Strictly defined, adultery is unlawful intercourse with another man's wife. Just before you example in Matt 5:32 in vv. 27-28 Jesus directly links adultery of the heart to physical lust. In essence, you're guilty of committing the physical act of adultery if you set your physical desires upon another. This tells me that the "act" of adultery is a physical thing. If there is adultery both inside and outside of the heart, then it absolutely carries a meaning of physical intercourse. I understand that the Old Testament often depicts Israel as an adulteress for turning to idols, but I don't think this is cause for dismissing the plainly understood physical aspect of adultery. Adultery does not speak of love in an emotional sense, but of breaking a covenant of devotion: physically and emotionally to a spouse and spiritually to God.

[wretched]

Perhaps this is a topic to take up in a separate thread, but I have to disagree with you on this one. I'll state up front that I believe fornication is any deviation from God's plan for marriage (1 man and 1 woman for 1 lifetime) and adultery is specific type of fornication. I'm not sure how exactly you're drawing the conclusion that adultery as strictly a turning away of the heart without any physical aspect. Strictly defined, adultery is unlawful intercourse with another man's wife. Just before you example in Matt 5:32 in vv. 27-28 Jesus directly links adultery of the heart to physical lust. In essence, you're guilty of committing the physical act of adultery if you set your physical desires upon another. This tells me that the "act" of adultery is a physical thing. If there is adultery both inside and outside of the heart, then it absolutely carries a meaning of physical intercourse. I understand that the Old Testament often depicts Israel as an adulteress for turning to idols, but I don't think this is cause for dismissing the plainly understood physical aspect of adultery. Adultery does not speak of love in an emotional sense, but of breaking a covenant of devotion: physically and emotionally to a spouse and spiritually to God.

Well you ain't the only person who disagrees Sword, HA but I stand by it and think the weight of Scripture supports the view I present more than yours. BTW there are many references in the NT to support the definition of adultery I present. Even your verse quoted presents both terms separately. Had they meant the same, it would not be written so.

[Grace&Mercy]

Grace and Mercy is male according to his profile.

Hopefully you are giving the whole story. I recommend you give both sides as best and honestly as you can if you expect a serious, Scriptural answer. I know the OP seems cut and dry but these things absolutely never are and besides I am not 100% sure of what the OP is saying, whether in code or just typos.

So, this is not necessarily directed at you but it does seem folks just want an echo to what they have already decided or want to hear and not real Scriptural guidance.

Fornication and adultery are not the same thing in Scripture. Even Matt 5:32 addresses them as presented and defined separate from each other. We can commit adultery against God. Scripture defines adultery as a turning away of the heart, not a sexual thing. Now fornication can lead to adultery and adultery can lead to fornication so there is a connection between the two obviously but they are not the same thing.

Men can commit fornication all day long with numberous women without their heart ever turning away from their wife. A woman however is wired very different and if fornication has occured, she most likely has turned her heart away from her husband already.

In my experience men fall into bed but decide to love. I have never in my life met a man who has decided to love two women HA!

Women are the opposite: they fall in love but decide to bed. We are polar opposites emotionnally in most cases unless the dude is effeminate.

yes the OP is correct and I want scriptural and practical answers from other mature Baptist here; when I state practical I mean applicable to real life or to you as well or "what would you really do" because we all know "WWJD"

My reaction / feeling was (chronological order) shock, disbelief, disoriented, agony, dead, weak, loser, self-doubt & blame, mercy, hopeful, empathy, used, fool, angst, cautious, cunning, distrust, impatience, anger, hate, wrath, guilt, disoriented again, remorse, silent, civil, hopeful, strong, weak again ........... i don't know what's next but I want to survive and triumph over this.

F and A sins are different I agree; I believe that F sin can only be committed by an unmarried person while a married person can commit A not F

I agree too that male and female do things differently and I tried explaining it to her,  and she seems blinded and not listening. now the 3rd party dumps her at the first threat of persecution of the law which is what I expected, but she is still intoxicated with the affair which is really heart breaking, because I know her heart is not the heart that I used to know, I don't know her anymore seems like a totally different person, I think she even loathes me because her gesture cannot hide her true intent, not a good faker ever since.

I still believe divorce is not the answer, there so many things to consider and I don't want to do things based on feelings (Jer. 17:9) then regret it later and cannot be undone one reason I am seeking godly counsel here

I believe that our God is a God of many chances not just 2, 3 or 77.  that marriage is commitment of 2 imperfect person and I still want to be committed even on the worst part of it; but not to point of being a loser, a guy that has no self respect for himself, I don't think that being such a loser was not God's will for any of His children. (Josh. 1:9)

thinking it is only right to be separated (not closing doors) and let us realize our current standing in front of God.

How does a Godly man handle this situation with dignity intact? bitterness & wrath sometimes bugs me I want to move on with my life and forgive her which is extremely hard (not impossible), but right now I feel vulnerable and weak, Our family testimony will be shattered; what would my unsaved relatives reaction I they found out? they will equate tit that our faith is wrong and theirs is right because they are not broken as a family unlike mine. How will I explain it to our son? I don't want to humiliate my wife I still count her a myself and we are still one but she is making very difficult for me to keep my commitment. I don't know anymore how to deal with her.....

FYI: i have said filthy & nasty things at her out of frustration and really lashed at her verbally when I found out that she was telling me 1/2 truths when I risk being vulnerable she took advantage of me when I thought we are on the process of healing she still manage to sneak many lies that was uncovered naturally (Num. 32:23) and for a moment I felt I thrown aside my sanctification and just blasted her all my hateful and profanity I cannot control I felt all the rage in me coming out like a broken dam; I have fallen to the trap of hitting back and it is really embarrassing but it's the truth. I don't want to go back to that situation again of being unchristian.

how do we balance love & rebuke? biblical teachings without application is a tragedy. I felt so alone on this situation even now.

after surviving this gift from God I plan to give godly counsel to Christians who is in a similar situation so they will not be alone and hopefully avoid the same mistakes that I did, I'll be more credible at encouraging them unlike those who just give generic biblical uplifting verse without empathy to people who goes thru this kind of problem. I know God won't let us down (1 Cor. 10:13)

[John81]

It's clear we can't change our spouse, we can't make our spouse obey God, we can't make our spouse study the Word and apply it.

At the same time, we can choose to study the Word ourselves, to apply it, to obey God, to allow the Lord to change us from within. We can determine to make Romans 12:2 a reality in our lives; not by our own willpower, but by surrendering to Christ.

As the situation above is described, trying to tell the wayward spouse they must obey what Scripture says they must do isn't likely the needed course of action at this time. However, you can take it upon yourself to read and study the verses which pertain to how a husband is to conduct himself, how a man of God is to live, and determine to be that godly husband and man. Such will not only benefit your walk with the Lord but will serve as a powerful testimony to your wife without you even saying anything about it. This may well open doors for the Holy Ghost to reach your wife, helping her to clearly see things, understand her need to truly repent and get her heart, mind and life right with God, and with you.

No doubt this can perhaps sound simple in reading but we all know putting the Word of God into practice in our lives can be difficult; especially in areas dealing with others. We will always be fighting the world, the flesh and the devil when we seek to live for Christ and obey Him. That's why we must rely upon Him, not our own selves. We can't live as God calls us to on our own, which is why Christ sent the Holy Ghost to reside in us and why we have the Bible to teach us, and hopefully a sound pastor and maybe a mature Christian brother to provide help.

If you want to save your marriage, and I commend you for saying that's your desire rather than running to a lawyer for divorce papers, then most of the effort will have to come from you; at least at first (and that could last a long while). It's up to you to surrender to Christ, to be a godly husband, to allow the love of Christ to be evident in your life, to spend much time in prayer, not only for help in living for Him, but for your wife, for your relationship, for your marriage, for your son, your family.

This situation won't be resolved quickly so prayer for patience and endurance will be needed. It could take months, perhaps even years before your marriage can become what it should be. There is also the possibility that no matter what you do, your spouse will reject the work of the Holy Ghost, reject your efforts. Don't let that haunt you or keep you from trying. Sometimes the toughest part of a fight occurs before an opening shows forth and victory can be won.

While many marriages break apart after what you described, it's also true that many marriages have been rebuilt and become solid.

Don't concern yourself with how you might look in the eyes of your family or others, or ideas of self worth or dignity. Our identity is to be in Christ and our true worth comes through our relationship with Him. If you want to save your marriage you will have to determine to put Christ first, your wife second. Any concentration upon yourself should be in the form of becoming the man of God you are called to be; not those other things.

Again, none of this will be easy and it could take a long time, but if you want to save your marriage you will have to spend much time in the Word, in prayer and in obeying Christ and living as He has called you to live.

[heartstrings]

any christian opinion on this;

eat pride and tolerate such evil deed w/o consequence? accept longsuffering with joy? divorce? bill of separation? remarriage? take legal action might be punishable by death least is prison time & deportation? (under sharia law)

 

the situation:

christian couple and they couple have an 11yr old son

-already caught & admitted verbally the sin committed (not on the sex act)

-do not want to cut ties with the 3rd party

-no change in attitude

-on effort to heal or fix the damage done

-prideful

-blatant disrespect & disregard to the aggrieved party

-doesn't want pastor counseling

-6 months nothing has changed seems hopeless & unfixable

 

What does "sharia law" have to do with this: do you live in a Muslim country?

[TheSword]

Well you ain't the only person who disagrees Sword, HA but I stand by it and think the weight of Scripture supports the view I present more than yours. BTW there are many references in the NT to support the definition of adultery I present. Even your verse quoted presents both terms separately. Had they meant the same, it would not be written so.

I'm not at all saying they're the same thing, merely that, humanly speaking, adultery carries a physical aspect to it. I doubt even if we attempted to hash it out from the references you say you have that we'd arrive at a consensus and you're certainly free to believe as you choose; so we'll just have to agree to disagree.

[heartstrings]

Jesus didn't say that merely "adultery" was grounds for divorce: He said "fornication". Matthew 19:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. Mere "adultery" is only the sin of a married person with the opposite sex. But "fornication" includes ALL sexual sins, including "adultery". So if a spouse is sleeping around, the other can have protection from STD's like AIDS. The kids also can be protected if the other spouse is molesting them. Adultery, incest, rape, child molesting, homosexuality etc are all "fornication"; it covers it all. Don't believe it?

Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire. Jude 1:7

 

[Grace&Mercy]

What does "sharia law" have to do with this: do you live in a Muslim country?

yes

[heartstrings]

Are you a Muslim?

[Grace&Mercy]

nope. im a christian

[heartstrings]

I would recommend reconciliation to your wife if possible. I would also recommend apologizing to her for the "nasty" things you mentioned that you said to her. The Bible says that a "brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city" but it also says "with God all things are possible". So earnestly pray about this and let God take care of this because the Bible says "the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much". Also let God take care of the third party because the Bible also says "vengeance is mine saith the Lord". Just saying.