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What to do with an unrepentant adulterer spouse


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As much I would like to apply & practice my identity in Christ,  I'm not so sure if I can restrain myself if ever I cross path with that lowlife who ruined my family......may God help me and keep that @$#& away from me.  My blood boils every time I am reminded of him I can't help but desire revenge and inflict 100X pain for that $h17.

To be honest I'm losing my spirituality every time that guy pops in my mind, I have murdered him in my mind so many times but he is like a zombie that keeps on coming back & it's frustrating and it seems that I am so alone on this.......no man understands me really because I know those few in my circle are just saying things and quoting the bible to encourage me or comfort me, but one thing I know is if they were in my shoes they will be more violent than I am. guys it's really easy to say and qoute the bible but doing it and applying it ooooohhhh man oooohhhh man "love my enemy" well that's comforting but still it sucks losing your wife to a stranger is very different and painful, the after taste of their deed lingers. I could forgive a murderer who kills my family or a swindler who stole my life savings, 50% easier than this lowlife.

the betrayal caused unimaginable hurt for me. this is too much to bear and I'm on the verge of giving up at times; sometimes I think it's more painful than losing my parents or loved ones or maybe equally painful as losing a child.

I realized that It is easy to be faithful when things are going your way but today is very different, It's a changing of season for me I guess "A time to pluck out, time to hate and a time for war" this is how it feels right now.

my only hope is (John 14:1-3) sometime I ask, can I just join you Jesus my God where my pain & suffering cannot reach me? I know tears will wiped away there.

one reason I'm here to have some form of release (I hope none here is offended by me, I apologize).

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In the Book of Hosea, God gives a strange command to His prophet, he was commanded by God to marry a wife of whoredoms, in the first two chapters it deals with Hosea sadness but in the third chapter Hosea's wife Gomer is restore to him.  Chapter 4-14 deal with how the children of Israel were guilty of the same acts that Gomer had committed against Hosea, only they committed adultery against God. 

But if your wife is not a believer and she wants to leave God states you are not under bondage in such cases, I Corinthians 7:13-16.

God give Christian man the toughest command to follow before he marries and that is: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it;  Ephesians 5:26

Will be praying for your situation that you can show your wife that kind of love, in this awful situation, and God will return her to you just as He did Gomer to Hosea.

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As much I would like to apply & practice my identity in Christ,  I'm not so sure if I can restrain myself if ever I cross path with that lowlife who ruined my family......may God help me and keep that @$#& away from me.  My blood boils every time I am reminded of him I can't help but desire revenge and inflict 100X pain for that $h17.

To be honest I'm losing my spirituality every time that guy pops in my mind, I have murdered him in my mind so many times but he is like a zombie that keeps on coming back & it's frustrating and it seems that I am so alone on this.......no man understands me really because I know those few in my circle are just saying things and quoting the bible to encourage me or comfort me, but one thing I know is if they were in my shoes they will be more violent than I am. guys it's really easy to say and qoute the bible but doing it and applying it ooooohhhh man oooohhhh man "love my enemy" well that's comforting but still it sucks losing your wife to a stranger is very different and painful, the after taste of their deed lingers. I could forgive a murderer who kills my family or a swindler who stole my life savings, 50% easier than this lowlife.

the betrayal caused unimaginable hurt for me. this is too much to bear and I'm on the verge of giving up at times; sometimes I think it's more painful than losing my parents or loved ones or maybe equally painful as losing a child.

I realized that It is easy to be faithful when things are going your way but today is very different, It's a changing of season for me I guess "A time to pluck out, time to hate and a time for war" this is how it feels right now.

my only hope is (John 14:1-3) sometime I ask, can I just join you Jesus my God where my pain & suffering cannot reach me? I know tears will wiped away there.

one reason I'm here to have some form of release (I hope none here is offended by me, I apologize).

Sadly friend, I understand your situation. .

Bottom line is this: Her heart has turned away from you and toward another man. She won't be reasoned with for quite some time (years possibly). I know this first hand. The unanswered question is: Does she want to stay with you and keep this dude on the side (highly unlikely) or 1. does she want to leave you and take your son or 2. does she want to leave you and leave your son too? Has she mentioned divorce? Is she still at home with you and your child? I can't tell from the posts unless I missed it.

It is hard to speculate on practical advice without knowing what she is telling you?

yes

Another question: Are you a missionary to this muslim country? Wouldn't be the first time this has happened to a missionary.

Edited by wretched
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My two sons are 32 and 28. I became a single parent when they were 6 and 2. Nobody can tell you what you should do about this, but from a biblical standpoint I think you understand you are fine should you decide to divorce. You are the only one that can decide if you want to continue in the marriage. However, I can tell you from my own experience I know divorcing mine was the correct decision because she not only wanted to leave the marriage, but didn't really want to be a mother to our children anymore either. She has since matured some and as the boys got older she developed a better relationship with them. Everyone was scared for life. That is a certainty in any divorce.

I can't help you much with your decision, but should you wind up with custody of your child I would have plenty of advice should you feel the need to ask. Praying for you now.

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As much I would like to apply & practice my identity in Christ,  I'm not so sure if I can restrain myself if ever I cross path with that lowlife who ruined my family......may God help me and keep that @$#& away from me.  My blood boils every time I am reminded of him I can't help but desire revenge and inflict 100X pain for that $h17.

To be honest I'm losing my spirituality every time that guy pops in my mind, I have murdered him in my mind so many times but he is like a zombie that keeps on coming back & it's frustrating and it seems that I am so alone on this.......no man understands me really because I know those few in my circle are just saying things and quoting the bible to encourage me or comfort me, but one thing I know is if they were in my shoes they will be more violent than I am. guys it's really easy to say and qoute the bible but doing it and applying it ooooohhhh man oooohhhh man "love my enemy" well that's comforting but still it sucks losing your wife to a stranger is very different and painful, the after taste of their deed lingers. I could forgive a murderer who kills my family or a swindler who stole my life savings, 50% easier than this lowlife.

the betrayal caused unimaginable hurt for me. this is too much to bear and I'm on the verge of giving up at times; sometimes I think it's more painful than losing my parents or loved ones or maybe equally painful as losing a child.

I realized that It is easy to be faithful when things are going your way but today is very different, It's a changing of season for me I guess "A time to pluck out, time to hate and a time for war" this is how it feels right now.

my only hope is (John 14:1-3) sometime I ask, can I just join you Jesus my God where my pain & suffering cannot reach me? I know tears will wiped away there.

one reason I'm here to have some form of release (I hope none here is offended by me, I apologize).

I'll quote another verse:

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help? My help cometh from the Lord.... That's the only place you're going to find help, friend. I can tell from your language that you have anger issues. You need to "trust in the Lord" and "lean not to your own understanding" in this thing. You came to a fundamental Christian forum, so you will get some of that type advice.  Anger, cursing. or revenge is not going to help you or those you love. I promise you on the authority of the Word of God; God will take care of that offender. He really will. But you need to take care of you right now. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

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In the Book of Hosea, God gives a strange command to His prophet, he was commanded by God to marry a wife of whoredoms, in the first two chapters it deals with Hosea sadness but in the third chapter Hosea's wife Gomer is restore to him.  Chapter 4-14 deal with how the children of Israel were guilty of the same acts that Gomer had committed against Hosea, only they committed adultery against God. 

But if your wife is not a believer and she wants to leave God states you are not under bondage in such cases, I Corinthians 7:13-16.

God give Christian man the toughest command to follow before he marries and that is: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it;  Ephesians 5:26

Will be praying for your situation that you can show your wife that kind of love, in this awful situation, and God will return her to you just as He did Gomer to Hosea.

her being a christian too added more hurt to the situation, all my "normal" expectations were shattered, I've tried to take the side of mercy, counseled & consoled her (a loser move on a worldly standard) tried to keep my cool but I'm a human too my patience lasted for 2 months and she abused my "weak" approach in dealing with her.  I was caught off guard with all of these…..how can she do all of this her everything she did was so unnatural for her, how could she fall this low….I cannot understand……I can't find any sense for her actions…..  

right now she I see her as a termite trying hard to destroy the foundation of our family, I just can't believe this is true.  I want to wake-up from this nightmare

does enduring her equates to tolerating her ungodly ways? It's like I'm spoiling her by not doing the right thing…I don't even know what is the right thing to do to her Im confused now.  I want to do the right  thing in the eyes of God -may God's grace, mercy & wisdom be with me.

i'll study Hosea - thanks 19DuggarFan I appreciate your inputs here.

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Sadly friend, I understand your situation. .

Bottom line is this: Her heart has turned away from you and toward another man. She won't be reasoned with for quite some time (years possibly). I know this first hand. The unanswered question is: Does she want to stay with you and keep this dude on the side (highly unlikely) or 1. does she want to leave you and take your son or 2. does she want to leave you and leave your son too? Has she mentioned divorce? Is she still at home with you and your child? I can't tell from the posts unless I missed it.

It is hard to speculate on practical advice without knowing what she is telling you?

on the dot.  plus she is desperate to keep her sin a secret and was even angry when told her that 2 people already knows (pastor / deacon) because she cannot be reasoned out; I have no plans to tell anyone but WE NEEDED HELP and she denies these facts.

I don't know what goes into her mind these days but she knows already that she has lost her right for our son's custody and she is not likely to dispute that, unless she is ready to face the consequence of the harsh law of the land, she knows that I have the needed evidence to convict her and she tried once to steal those evidence from me by acting that we are on the process of healing and recovery…..that traitor grrrrrr my being naive almost cost me my son's custody.

at first -she said to the driest sorry I ever got from her…….you can sense the lack of sincerity of it…….acting out waiting for me to lower my guard so she can strike that snake ….has the talent of pissing me off

if given the chance she will leave me with nothing…..this is my perception of her now

at home but I kicked her out of our room last April because I'm so offended that she having a always a good sleep as if everything is fine, while she treats me like $h17 as if Im the one that caused her the problems we have

later on admitted to me that she has lost her love for me and was just to tell me the truth, told me she will stay for our son and I should not hope or expect anything from her; NOW I BELIEVE HER his tops all the pain when I thought that the discovery will be the most painful but she's not done yet - Im bracing for more

she plans on leaving the house saying that she is not going to be with her lover; who believes that junk?

(Im testing her) actually I'm the one who is asking her for to sign the legal separation letter I handed to her; stating that she is giving up all her rights to me regarding our son, it also clearly states that her adultery is the cause of the separation - until now she won't sign it maybe because she really wants to cover her tacks and look innocent to people around us

right now we are on "silent war" we live in the same house but rarely talk, I'm really avoiding her because she always makes me upset good at hitting my nerves, I don't want to flare up again and say the cuss words to her ever.  I want to talk o her but in front of a godly mediator just to set our boundaries and rules.

now she's always late from work and I feel they are still together one night did not even come home to sleep; she is not even taking care (normal) our son now, she steals time from my son to spend with the guy (or I'm just bitter) I don't trust her words that she is not dating or sleeping around her action speaks louder than her words. I have seen her lie in my face w/o blinking an eye she could lie to anyone with a straight face especially when she has no clue that I got an evidence against her.

how can you love this very unlovable wife? Im having a difficult time doing the Lord's command for my situation.

 

Another question: Are you a missionary to this muslim country? Wouldn't be the first time this has happened to a missionary.

no we are just an expat on a middle east country. We got saved from a mission work here. 

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My two sons are 32 and 28. I became a single parent when they were 6 and 2. Nobody can tell you what you should do about this, but from a biblical standpoint I think you understand you are fine should you decide to divorce. You are the only one that can decide if you want to continue in the marriage. However, I can tell you from my own experience I know divorcing mine was the correct decision because she not only wanted to leave the marriage, but didn't really want to be a mother to our children anymore either. She has since matured some and as the boys got older she developed a better relationship with them. Everyone was scared for life. That is a certainty in any divorce.

I can't help you much with your decision, but should you wind up with custody of your child I would have plenty of advice should you feel the need to ask. Praying for you now.

thanks brother sure I will… I'm still not 100% sure about my wife I can't assess her intent clearly because she is always lying and high on pride atm;  if she really wants to leave us there is nothing I could do but pray for our family to be stronger.

can I ask you sir, did you re-marry? are you already a christian when the divorce happened? how could I lessen the hurtful impact of this on my son? should I tell him the truth now he's only 11 or later when he is mature enough?

I'll quote another verse:

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help? My help cometh from the Lord.... That's the only place you're going to find help, friend. I can tell from your language that you have anger issues. You need to "trust in the Lord" and "lean not to your own understanding" in this thing. You came to a fundamental Christian forum, so you will get some of that type advice.  Anger, cursing. or revenge is not going to help you or those you love. I promise you on the authority of the Word of God; God will take care of that offender. He really will. But you need to take care of you right now. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

yes i have anger issues which is normal for humans to feel, I believe it will be one process or stage that I must pass thru, I can skip that anger part but by God's grace I will get over this and this anger it will not be with me forever. thanks for the godly reminder

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"thanks brother sure I will… I'm still not 100% sure about my wife I can't assess her intent clearly because she is always lying and high on pride atm;  if she really wants to leave us there is nothing I could do but pray for our family to be stronger.

can I ask you sir, did you re-marry? are you already a christian when the divorce happened? how could I lessen the hurtful impact of this on my son? should I tell him the truth now he's only 11 or later when he is mature enough?"

 

I was a Christian but living a worldly life. Saved at the age of 8 and drifted away when hit the teen years. Married a woman I never should have. After 8 years of marriage we were having problems anyway, but when I started going back to church and getting myself back in Gods will, that did it. She just left one day and didn't come back. To lesson the impact on your son, keep communication lines open with him. Explain that this is not his fault, and continue to reinforce that truth to him. Show him as much love as you can, as often as you can. Teach him to lean on God, and let him see you lean on Him. Basically just show him you love him and teach him the things of God. Study the bible with him and teach him to read it daily. This is a critical point in his life.

The best time to tell him the truth is best known by you, as you know your son and I don't. But I would try to wait on that generally speaking. You don't need to speak badly of *his mother*, which she still is and always will be.

I divorced in Nov. of 89, and remarried in 2002. God blessed me greatly and my wife and I continue to grow in Christ together and have a wonderful marriage.

 

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going to the cops for legal action is also an option I'm pondering this as my last resort of action;  I've extended my patience for 1/2 year now and…… they are still at it 

they are looking at my patience for them as weakness and they are using it to the greatest extent for their advantage; IF justice will be served to them, It will be because they did that to themselves and must face the consequence of breaking the law of the land;  hopefully ALL of us will be learning from this.

my wife must be thinking that I cannot do this to her, but now Im considering seriously because she is so effective in pushing the right button in me to really do this.

btw the heathen guy is also a family man that has more to lose than me……I talked to him over the phone and he is so arrogant to say to me "talk to my lawyer instead" that's what I am contemplating now, it's like they are asking for it

going to the police can also protect my interest and reinforce my right for custody of our son.

btw I have no plan to remarry; even before my problem started my stand is consistent 1 woman only for me till she die. up to this day I believe that, God hate divorce so Im keeping my commitment not to divorce.

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btw I have no plan to remarry; even before my problem started my stand is consistent 1 woman only for me till she die. up to this day I believe that, God hate divorce so Im keeping my commitment not to divorce.

 

Good for you. And it is funny to read because this is the best answer in the thread to date.

However, I would recommend that you go rat out this player to his wife with copies of any evidence. That is justice not vengeance. Let his wife run him through the ringer and there is a good chance he will retreat like the reprobate he is.

 

Edited by wretched
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the wife knows and was convincing me that I was all just rumors so she was pleading & crying for me over the phone "not to involve the authorities". the wife looks stuck to his philandering man and has no option but to stick it with him because their family is all dependent on his husband…….even appealing to my emotion and asking where will she and her 2 children going if ever they would lose their main provider? 

one of the many reasons I tarry on seeking justice because 2 families will be shattered……but they are making it really hard for me not to seek justice for their continued disrespect. I just can't believe how could they sleep well at night with all this? 

only God know how long I can last…..till I reach the point of no return

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My heart breaks for you, and I truly empathize with all that you are going through.  I personally know about all of the depth of anguish that you are experiencing.  I understand the questions that you are asking of yourself and of others.  I understand the attempts to weigh everything in the balance.  I understand the vast emotional confusion that is involved in such situations; the desire to seek what is right and Godly while yet being assailed and tempted with feelings of hopelessness, rejection, anger, and while impatient for justice still fearful of the ramifications of it.  The thoughts of the heart and mind are inundated with countless ambivalences.  I understand the wounds and the crushed spirit.

The feelings and emotions may be very similar, but each situation is unique...and so the only "suggestion" of compassion and support that I can give applies to us all; and that is:  "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint" (Is. 40:31), and "For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, * Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, * That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; * That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, * May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; * And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fu'lness of God. * Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us..." (Eph. 3:14-20).

My precious Saviour remained ever faithful to me as I went through the whole devastating and horrendous experience.  Even though I strayed away from Him for a time, He never stopped loving me, and He never forsook me.  With His grace and mercy and in spite of my state, He came to me and opened my "heart's eyes" to a vast depth of understanding of the wondrous love He has for me.  I cannot express the power of God's work in my heart as He gave me this understanding....but I can say, "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" ( Phlp. 4:7). 

Within three days of that time, I began to pray that the Lord would help me to see my spouse as much as possible through HIS (God's) eyes!  I continued to pray this, and it wasn't but a couple of days later that my precious God responded and it was as if "there fell from my eyes as it had been scales".  I simply cannot verbalize how the Lord gave me an obvious and tremendous and true pity for my spouse.  This pity led the way to a greater depth of love for him, and opened up the doors for forgiveness to take place.  There is so much to share; so much to testify of how God worked in my life..."And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Amen" (John 21:25).

I am so very, very grateful to my glorious Lord for all of His wondrous works in my life.  I am so thankful that He allowed me to go through all that I did for it has been worth it all!  For even though the devil meant things for evil, dear God worked them for my ultimate good.  For the first time in my life not only did I have a much greater understanding of His love, but I also began to understand so much more about His absolute Holiness...and what it is to have joy, and peace, and abundant life.  With tears streaming down my face, I can sing the old hymn words (When We See Christ)  - "....It will be worth it all when we see Jesus, Life's trials will seem so small when we see Christ; One glimpse of His dear face all sorrow will erase, So bravely run the race till we see Christ."  I could go on and on and on about the glory of God, but it shall suffice to say at this time that indeed, He has made it WELL WITH MY SOUL!

 

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