Curious situation--Pastors?

[Anon]

So...what would you do in the following situation....

A teenager comes to you at camp and confesses that they did something wrong with the opposite gender (nothing to lose their purity though) during a trip with their family, and it was hidden from their parents. They are sorry and want to get it right with God. So you tell them to break up and not talk to the guy again, and you tell them they are responsible to tell their parents and apologize. They say they don't want to. You say you'll go with the teenager for support. They put it off.

Eventually you remind them a few more times and they tell you they are frightened of their parents and how awful their parents will be and they will scream and yell and kick them out and that they have repented and God has forgiven and they don't feel the parents need to know, now that its "all under the blood". They refuse to go to their parents and basically tell you that if you do, you'll be causing infinite family problems. (The family is all in church).

There is more followup to this story but I want to know what you would do as of the info above....

[John81]

How old is this teenager?

[Pastorj]

Let me start by saying that I have always told teenagers and anyone else I counsel that anything they tell me is not privileged. That is more catholicism than Biblical. I will not be put into a corner. If someone tells me something that parents need to know, then I would meet with the parents.

With that said, If the purity wasn't lost, I would need to know more before I would tell you to go talk to the parents. My pastor counseled me many times as a teenager and didn't go to my parents. I don't even believe that children need to confess their sins to mom and dad every time. My son made some decisions at camp. He shared some with me, but I don't need to know every detail of every sin he confessed.

[Seth Doty]

So...what would you do in the following situation....

A teenager comes to you at camp and confesses that they did something wrong with the opposite gender (nothing to lose their purity though) during a trip with their family, and it was hidden from their parents. They are sorry and want to get it right with God. So you tell them to break up and not talk to the guy again, and you tell them they are responsible to tell their parents and apologize. They say they don't want to. You say you'll go with the teenager for support. They put it off.

Eventually you remind them a few more times and they tell you they are frightened of their parents and how awful their parents will be and they will scream and yell and kick them out and that they have repented and God has forgiven and they don't feel the parents need to know, now that its "all under the blood". They refuse to go to their parents and basically tell you that if you do, you'll be causing infinite family problems. (The family is all in church).

There is more followup to this story but I want to know what you would do as of the info above....

Not a pastor but first, if the parents in a "good church family" really do kick out a child who has genuinely repented then your not "creating infinite family problems" those problems are already there, just concealed. After all the father welcomed back the prodigal son though the son had wasted half of the fathers life savings on harlots and other immoral behaviors. That would be the biblical response on the part of the parents even in an extremely bad situation and apparently it isn't even anything on that level.

Now what I think the proper response to the teenager would be is to tell them that part of repentance is taking responsibility for your actions in so far as is possible. Zacchaeus didn't just stop cheating people and keep the fact that he had been a cheat in the past real quiet, no, he said publicly that not only was he going to stop defrauding people, anyone that he had defrauded he was going to restore four fold. If they do tell their parents they are pretty much guaranteed of having a lot tighter restrictions put on them but that is part of the consequences for slipping in that area. If they say nothing and successfully keep it hidden the chances are much higher they will slip again in the same area, possibly more seriously.

[Anon]

The teenager was barely 18 at the time and the thing actually happened while on a trip with the parents, but the parents were not around. Four months later, the teen confessed at camp.

The rest of the story....the pastor in question :-) decided to go ahead and not say anything to the parents after seriously telling the teenager they better not have any more contact with this person and they need to truly be repentant and not go that direction anymore. They took the person off their Facebook and said they'd have no more to do with the person. It was against better judgement but we decided to go ahead and let sleeping dogs lie. We do know there are issues with the family with some emotional instability.

The teenager is now in college and we see the other person is back on their facebook. I just wrote the person and said we see now we made a mistake in keeping it from the parents....the teenager was irritated and said they'd appreciate it if we kept their problems to ourselves and that God has forgiven the problem and they don't think it should any longer be an issue.

We won't make it an issue but did feel the attitude of the teenager was not completely respectful or repentant so...I dunno.

I know a long time ago a girl confided in me (different church) about getting in trouble with a guy. I thought her parents knew about it. I was in nursery with her stepmom the next week and I casually said "Yeah she has a lot of problems" and the stepmom said "Yes, she sure does" and didn't ask me anything so I thought she knew. Well a year later, after we had moved to another ministry, I got an angry phone call that the girl was now pregnant and that I had kept vital information from them, that they'd never have let the girl go back with her dad had they known about the situation. I couldn't believe it. I felt awful. I tried to explain that I thought they knew. They said the girl made me promise not to tell but I honestly don't remember that happening.

Anyway back to the original situation...I'm pretty sure if we said anything now, the teenager would simply lie about it and it would accomplish nothing.

Its just difficult when a teenager puts a pastor into the position of knowing something like that, and then begging them not to tell, promising they are repentant and will never do it again...saying all the terrible things their family will do to them if they find out. Its an awful position to be in. :-(

Its been a rough ministry week this week haha.

[Seth Doty]

Its just difficult when a teenager puts a pastor into the position of knowing something like that, and then begging them not to tell, promising they are repentant and will never do it again...saying all the terrible things their family will do to them if they find out. Its an awful position to be in. :-(

Its been a rough ministry week this week haha.

I can see that being difficult that is for sure. The approach pastorj mentioned does sound like a good way to reduce the frequency of that. Let them know before they even start telling you about what ever the problem is that they will have to trust you to use your best judgement on whether or not someone else needs to be informed and you cannot guarantee secrecy before knowing about the situation. If they can't handle that it is probably better they keep it to themselves.This verse comes to mind:


"Proverbs 25:2 It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter."

[swathdiver]

Not a pastor either but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express and read the Bible once or twice.

The children are still in sin. They have not honored their parents. They are still in broken fellowship with the Lord IMO. Psalm 66:18 says, "If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me."

It's quite possible that this level of resistance is to cover for a greater sin that the parents will easily unravel once apprised of the earlier misdeed that the pastor is unawares of. Seen it happen many times before, including yesterday morning with one of my children!

Parents are responsible to God for their children and the local church has the responsibility to keep them informed of their sins so that they may be corrected.


OOPSSK!!! Didn't see that the teenager was 18. Hmm, first thought is you don't have to because she's technically an adult now. But was she still living under her parents roof? What's the Bible say about the emancipation of a child? When do they become adults? In my heathen days I had planned to kick my daughters out of the house when they turned 18 but now will let them stay until marriage. But let's not rely on our wisdom, what does the good book say?

[John81]

Let me start by saying that I have always told teenagers and anyone else I counsel that anything they tell me is not privileged. That is more catholicism than Biblical. I will not be put into a corner. If someone tells me something that parents need to know, then I would meet with the parents.

With that said, If the purity wasn't lost, I would need to know more before I would tell you to go talk to the parents. My pastor counseled me many times as a teenager and didn't go to my parents. I don't even believe that children need to confess their sins to mom and dad every time. My son made some decisions at camp. He shared some with me, but I don't need to know every detail of every sin he confessed.

I agree, especially with the second paragragh. This may apply even more given the girl was 18.

I've known of pastors who believe parents and spouses must know every little sin and push such issues until there is a break up in a marriage or parent/child relationship because the other party was not able, or willing, to deal with the issue in a Christlike manner.

Does a parent or spouse have to know of every sin that has been committed by their children or spouse?

[HappyChristian]

I agree that parents don't need to know every little thing - but if the offense was serious enough to convict the teen, and the teen truly repented, I don't think there would have been such resistance to letting the parents know. Yes, some parents overreact, but when it involves the opposite sex, I believe the parents should know. JMO, and I'm not a pastor, just a preacher's wife. :icon_smile:

[Anon]

Sorry, didn't mean to leave anybody out....I just put "pastors" because I wanted to especially get their attention, but I value all of your opinions!!!!

We are going to see how the person reacts to my recent online message and see if they are angry or sorry...and go from there. My husband pointed out that if the person is not truly repentant or sorry then it can easily happen again.... I dunno.

Its a much longer/deeper story to understand the family....its complicated. haha. I'm sure God will lead my hub to make the right decision.

[HappyChristian]

Sorry, didn't mean to leave anybody out....I just put "pastors" because I wanted to especially get their attention, but I value all of your opinions!!!! I didn't feel left out. There have been many times I specifically wanted opinions from pastors.

We are going to see how the person reacts to my recent online message and see if they are angry or sorry...and go from there. My husband pointed out that if the person is not truly repentant or sorry then it can easily happen again.... I dunno.

Its a much longer/deeper story to understand the family....its complicated. haha. I'm sure God will lead my hub to make the right decision. I think you are right.

[Anon]

He made the decision to give the teen until Saturday to tell the parents, and then he will say something on Sunday. The teen is very unhappy with him. We'll see how it goes. This should have been done months ago....its sometimes hard to make decisions when one is put on the spot.....

[blossom]

Will be praying for your husband and this teen. I have no wisdom to offer Sorry not much help I know but I can and will pray. The Lord has the answer I am sure.

[John81]

This might be a side issue, but does a pastor's conversations with a person become private; at what age?

In the case in this thread the girl is 18 and in college. Is she right to expect some measure of privacy between her and a pastor or should someone that age not believe their conversations are private (something Pastorj says he addresses up front)?

Most people wouldn't want to be totally open with a pastor if they thought he might share what was discussed with others.

[Pastorj]

Where in Scripture is a pastor required to keep anything in confidence. This is something that the Catholic Church pushes, not Scripture. I give Biblical Council all the time and each time I begin counseling someone, I make it clear that there is no right to confidence, especially with teenagers. If someone confesses a murder, I will call the police.

We must be very careful as Pastors that we do not back ourselves into a corner.

As to this situation - The girl is 18 and now an adult. I would have dealt with her Scripturally. She repented - It is now washed under the blood and nothing else needs to be done. (Matt. 18). If it were to continue, bring witnesses. If it still continues, bring it before the church.

Obviously, after the first step, I would pull the parents aside and let them know what is going on, but not until after the first step.