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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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Resume Quotations The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people. Resumes: "I am very detail-oreinted." "I have a bachelorette degree in computers." "Graduated in the top 66% of my class." "I worked as a Corporate Lesion." "Served as assistant sore manager." "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel." "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis." "Special sk…
Last reply by speerjp1, -
Why Men Are Seldom Depressed
by Guest Guest- 7 replies
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I got this in an email... hehehe ----------WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People--What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dr…
Last reply by woolysheep, -
Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and hooliganize with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator…
Last reply by kevinmiller, -
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**Deleted by mod because one of the guys uses God's name in vain.**
Last reply by IM4given, -
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Two city slickers decided they were tired of the city life and moved to the country to try farming. They went to town to price tractors and found them VERY costly. Two shrewd country fellows over-heard the slickers and asked them, "Have you considered mules?" The slickers replied, "No, we didn't." The country boys offered to sell them two mule eggs. "Mules eggs?" asked the slickers, "Yes, they are much cheaper, and you can raise them yourself and they'll obey you better." "Hey! That makes sense!" So the country boys sold them two mule eggs (two water melons painted black) for $50.00. The slickers gently placed the "mule eggs" in the back of their truck and headed …
Last reply by John81, -
Who is the President...
by Guest Guest- 0 replies
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One day a man came up to the white house and asked the tour guide, "excuse me, but is this the White house where president Hillary Clinton lives?" The tour guide looks a little surprised but says "I am sorry sir, Hillary Clinton is not the president and she doesn't live here. George Bush is the president. The man thanks the guide and leaves. The next day the man is back again, and again he asks the guide, "is this the White house where president Hilliary Clinton lives?" The guide is a little irritated but after all his job is to answer questions so he bites his tongue and simply says, I am sorry sir, Hillary Clinton is not the president and she doesn't live in the White…
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In response to the right foot thread. Put your right hand in front of you with your pointer finger facing left. Rotate your hand so that you start going toward your body. Once you have that going well, stop. Put your left hand in front of you with you pointer finger facing right. Rotate your hand so that you start going away from your body. Once you have that going well, stop. Now, put both hand in front of your in the so your pointer fingers are touching. Start rotating your fingers in the above described motions. (Make sense to you all?) Who can do this?
Last reply by dadof4, -
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Two workers were approached by a passerby who asked what they were doing. 'Well, we work for the government,' one of the men said. 'But one of you is digging a hole and the other guy is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you just wasting the taxpayer's money?' 'You obviously don't understand, mister,' one of the men said, leaning on his shovel. 'Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks the tree in and Mike, here, puts the dirt back in.' 'Now just because Rodney's off sick today don't mean Mike and I can't work.'
Last reply by Charbo, -
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It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. ?Let's try to make this look natural,? she said. ?Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder.? The father answered, ?If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet??
Last reply by Charbo, -
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for Her birthday. ?I'd love to be six again,? she replied. On the morning of Her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the la…
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 4 replies
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I got this in an email. Sorry if you've heard it before. It was new to me and quite funny. ------------------------ This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, You will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see If you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!! 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot Off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the Air with your right hand.. Your foot will change Direction!!! I told you so... And there is nothing you can do About it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to believe it either!!!
Last reply by Timothy, -
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- 431 views
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in as little as six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in just four weeks." A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks....try to top that!" The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send…
Last reply by Charbo, -
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Denver, Colorado Agenda for the 2008 Democratic National Convention 7:00 pm Opening flag burning 7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish 7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jessie Jackson & Al Sharpton 7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging 7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 8:00 pm "How I Invented the Internet" - Al Gore 8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry 9:00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon 11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a …
Last reply by IM4given, -
- 2 replies
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Where, where are you tonight, Why did you leave me here all alone,,, I searched the world over, I thought I'd found true love, You met another and :Bleh you were gone
Last reply by IM4given, -
- 1 reply
- 531 views
YOUTH PASTOR OVERSEES NEW MINISTRY FOR "XTREME" ELDERLY January 2006 --- Hot on the heels of leading a wildly successful, culturally relevant youth group at Keystone Community Church, Youth Pastor Tad Grunholtz has recently created a similar ministry for the elderly in hopes of luring disaffected old people back into church. He calls the group Xtreme Seniors. ?A lot of churches today just focus on the younger generation and ignore the elder members of the church,? explained Grunholtz. ?But at Keystone, we came to the sudden realization during our last building campaign that old people have all the money. Sure, the youth are the future of the church, but we need a new g…
Last reply by IM4given, -
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Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.", "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any c…
Last reply by kevinmiller, -
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A new store opened in our town ? HUSBANDMART. The building is several stories tall. One single lady decided to check it out. Upon entering the front door she was met with a sign posting the rules to the store: - A customer may shop each floor. - If she does not find a man to her liking she may ascend to the next floor. - At no time may the customer descend to a lower floor except to exit the building. She thought that was rather odd, but decided to see what the store had to offer. On the first floor she noticed a sign stating: ?FLOOR 1 ? THESE MEN HAVE JOBS.? ?Well,? she thought, ?that?s an improvement on my previous boyfriend.? She decided though …
Last reply by Lee-Anne, -
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*From British Newspapers* 1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) 2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) 3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard sp…
Last reply by Lee-Anne, -
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- Administrators
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> Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to > death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, > when all of a sudden... > > Hey Pepe, do you smell whad I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of > eet. > > Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee too. > > So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, > in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. > > There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back > bacon, double-smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. > > Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Eees a bacon tree. …
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense... ENGLISH ................................... CHINESE Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat Its very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King Staying out of si…
Last reply by SarahStrawberry, -
I rear-ended a car this morning. When the other driver got out of his car, I knew right then it was going to be a really bad day! He was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?" ....... and that's how the fight started.
Last reply by John81, -
- 3 replies
- 709 views
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child. One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar. A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of contro…
Last reply by John81, -
What's the answer to this puzzle? Adam, GOD made out of dust But thought it best to make me first. So I was made before man To answer GOD's most holy plan. A living being I became And Adam gave to me my name. I from his presence then withdrew And more of Adam never knew. I did my makers law obey, Nor ever went from it astray. Thousands of miles I go in fear But seldom on earth appear. For purpose wise which GOD did see, HE put a living soul in me. A soul from me GOD did claim, And took from me the soul again. So when from me the soul had fled I was the same as when first made And without hands, or feet, or soul, I travel on from pole to pol…
Last reply by chev1958, -
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One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said tothe same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked hi…
Last reply by John81, -
- 1 reply
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I heard this one in church last night and just had to share it with you all. President Bush was in an airport recently and he saw a man standing all alone. As Bush approached the man, he noticed that the man was dressed in a long white robe, had white hair and a long white beard. In the man?s hand was a long staff. President Bush went up to the man and asked, ?Are you Moses?? The man ignored President Bush, and just looked away. Again, President Bush talked to the man, this time getting right in his face, ?Excuse me, but I asked you if you are Moses.? The man just looked at the ceiling, not responding to President Bush. President Bush became agitated at the m…
Last reply by John81,
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By MikeWatson1 · Posted
The problem is often the starting point is belief there is no God...or they cant know. Just because they look at things they can observe, they automatically rule out the supernatural. What they fail to see is they have their own religion, because they never observed one species become another. They have faith that whales became cows.. dinosaurs became birds and ape like creatures became humans. They don't have good evidence for this. Most creation scientists talk about what glasses you put on to view the evidence. I don't like this kind of thinking because it doesn't talk about the facts...but it does show preconceived assumptions. -
I would cite Matthew 18:15-17, Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matt.18.15,Matt.18.16,Matt.18.17&version=KJV best regards, Oldtyme -
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By BrotherTony · Posted
My niece sent me a text yesterday telling me that my father had asked for her pastor to come out to the house to talk to him about eternity. He admitted that he was a sinner and needed the Lord, and he asked the Lord to save him. Praise the Lord for answered prayers. -
By BrotherTony · Posted
Yes, I have a pastor friend in the Independence, MO area that spoke against this often. I've got an aunt and uncle in O'Fallon, MO who could be on either side of the issue.
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