Courtship/Arranged Marriages

[Behold the Lamb]

I wrote a blog a while back aimed at teenagers/young adults about dating and finding your spouse. The full blog is here: http://generationlife.wordpress.com/ (Love, Relationships, and the American Dream)

Here were some of my main points in there:

[snip]

If you want that kind [1 Corinthians 13] of love with someone of the opposite sex, don?t seek it. Why? Because you should be so in love with God by the time you?re ready to be with someone else that they have to go through God to get to you. What you should be doing is seeking God, and you can?t be seeking God and man at the same time. If you seek God, He?ll give you all else that you desire. Just make sure that while you?re seeking God you don?t get distracted by seeking relationships with other people. ?But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.? (Matthew 6:33) ?And ye shall seek Me, and find Me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.? (Jeremiah 29:13)

[snip]


? If you are 16, why are you even bothering? There is absolutely no point in being in a relationship at 16. The only purpose a relationship at the age of 16 can serve is a distraction to your growth in and knowledge of God, as a distraction to your education, and as a open field for temptation.

? In fact, I don?t care if you?re 25. If you?re not in a position where you could be married the next day and be fine, it?s not the right time. If a man doesn?t have a job that can sustain a household and a house, it?s not the right time.

? The right thing at the wrong time can be, and often is, the wrong thing. And if it is the right thing, pretend like it?s the wrong thing. Why? Because getting with the right person at the wrong time can totally destroy the future you could have had with that person. Check out the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). He received what was rightfully his (the right thing), but instead of waiting for the right time to go out on his own, he took his inheritance, left his father?s house, and ended up squandering all that he had, because he was not yet mature enough to deal with that inheritance on his own.

? Incidentally, you can miss the person you were meant to be with because you were too busy chasing after everyone else, or because you settled for the wrong person.

? Who you marry is the biggest decision in your life aside from accepting Jesus Christ as Savior. And if you marry the wrong person, you can totally derail the plan God had for you where you would have prospered and would have done amazing things?all because you were too wrapped up in the American dream?s version of love.

? When a Christian starts growing in God, one of the first things the enemy will try to do is send a distraction?often in the form of another Christian who is also growing in God. God will have a plan for the relationship between the two of you (and it won?t involve dating) and the enemy will have a plan for the relationship between the two of you (take a guess as to what that plan involves).

? Those distractions will look good, talk sweet, and may even be good to look at. Satan generally doesn?t dance in your face with a pitchfork screaming, ?I?m Satan, I?m the Devil, and I?m evil! Pick me, pick me!?

? Got this little nugget from my spiritual father: Know what you?re looking for, but stop looking. What you?re really saying when you latch onto everyone you can find in hopes that they are ?the one?, and when you go from person to person trying them on like specials at a 90% off sale at Old Navy is, ?God, I really don?t have enough faith to believe that you?ll send me the right person. So I?m going to do this on my own.? God will send you the right person at the right time IF you stay in His will.

? You probably won't attract who you were meant to be with until you stop looking like you and start looking more like Him.

? Focus on being mature, not married.

? Never marry someone just because you accidentally got them pregnant (if you?re a guy) or they accidentally got you pregnant (if you?re a girl). All my life, I heard in church ?If you get pregnant, get married.? But that?s so messed up. What?s stupider than making one major mistake? Following it up by making the even bigger mistake of marrying the wrong person, and condemning an innocent child to a life with parents who hate one another and will probably get a divorce anyway. Of course, this whole situation can easily be avoided...

? When it is the right time, the person that you?re really meant to be with will understand your purpose and your passion. The wrong person won?t understand it, and they will constantly act as an anchor for you, keeping you from ever being what you could have been had you married the right person. As a Christian, not only should we not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14), but we should not be unequally yoked with those Christians who don?t understand our God-given purpose, either. This means none of that ?I?m dating them so I can change them!? junk.

? When it is the right time and you?ve found the right person, don?t wait out on a long engagement. That does nothing but leave room for you to mess up. Get married.

? Have some kind of spiritual authority guard over and watch over your relationship. Oh, and until you?re married, set boundaries. Don?t tow the line and make temptations for yourself. Flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). Lying down on the couch together is stupid.

? This is a biggie, and I hear it all the time. If you read this and you?ve done it, you probably think I?m talking about you, but I?m not; I hear it almost on a daily basis. Never, ever, ever try to use ?God told me to? to legitimize doing what you want to do. God will not tell you to be in an unbiblical relationship. If the relationship that God told you to be in doesn?t line up with biblical principles, God didn?t tell you to. Period. And it?s not a case of ?the devil made me do it?, either. Your flesh made you do it, and your flesh knew that the moment you invoked God, people would feel obliged to shut up and not question your ability to hear the voice of God. Or maybe you just have really bad discernment for the voice of God, I dunno. If you think this sounds harsh, it does. The reason it?s so harsh is because I?m talking to myself right here, because I?ve done the exact same thing before. A lot of what I?ve said here, especially the harsher sounding things, can be drawn from my personal experience. Don?t take it personally. Do take it to heart.

? Our entire, Americanized concept known as ?dating? didn?t even exist until the past 100 years. There is absolutely no biblical precedent for dating. There is an American precedent for it, and we have teenagers popping out babies and contracting STDs left and right, and the divorce rate is at 50%.

? You should and generally will be physically attracted to the person you?re meant to be with, just to debunk that myth.

? ?Flee also youthful lusts; but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.? (2 Timothy 2:22)

[snip]

There's a lot more, but I didn't want to bombard this thread with the whole 7 pages of it. :p

[Guest Guest]

I would say that I'm for dating, of course without anything going further as in sleeping together. There aren't many options available nowadays, if one wants to get to know a person, he must meet her a couple of times before he can make a decision and if they're adults, I don't see the point in them being supervised, it would be awkward.
And meeting Christian boys/girls is hard enough, so I think dating is not a bad option.

[Will]

In the Bible though' date=' Isaac didn't find his own wife she was found for him. And she was the Lord's will, Isaac is one of the only ones in Genesis that didn't have more than one wife.[/quote']

And that is descriptive, not prescriptive. It is erroneous to take descriptive passages of Scripture and make them prescriptive for our lives today.

[Behold the Lamb]

I would say that I'm for dating, of course without anything going further as in sleeping together. There aren't many options available nowadays, if one wants to get to know a person, he must meet her a couple of times before he can make a decision and if they're adults, I don't see the point in them being supervised, it would be awkward.
And meeting Christian boys/girls is hard enough, so I think dating is not a bad option.

I'm afraid I have to disagree with you. I've known many young Christians who were raised in Godly homes, and who subscribed to the beliefs. But when they were allowed to date, temptation crept in and won them over. Dating is not a biblical concept. It is an ungodly American concept.

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33) We don't have to, nor do we need to look. God will send us the right person at the right time.

[Pastorj]

Couple things:
1. There is nothing Biblically wrong with an arranged marriage.
2. Parental input is extremely important.
3. I agree that courtship is Biblical and dating is not a good thing
4. The courtship process length is different in every situation. Younger people will tend to court for a longer period of time as they are not as mature and prepared for marriage, where a 30 yr old might be ready for marriage after just a very short period of time.

[OLD fashioned preacher]

A young man doesn't just need to have a job - he needs a track record that shows he can KEEP one. I'm not talking about major longevity but if someone quits everytime a job gets too hard, too demanding, too boring, too dull, etc. - what's he going to do when things aren't always rosy in married life. Don't get me wrong - I'm still on my honeymoon after over 30 yrs, but reality doesn't always cooperate on a day to day basis. One other point - God's not as interested in you "finding" the right one as He is in you "being" the right one. Susanna BEWARE, most guys (including in church) are total JERKS.

[John81]

Couple things:
1. There is nothing Biblically wrong with an arranged marriage.
2. Parental input is extremely important.
3. I agree that courtship is Biblical and dating is not a good thing
4. The courtship process length is different in every situation. Younger people will tend to court for a longer period of time as they are not as mature and prepared for marriage, where a 30 yr old might be ready for marriage after just a very short period of time.

:thumb :amen:

[Kayla]

A young man doesn't just need to have a job - he needs a track record that shows he can KEEP one. I'm not talking about major longevity but if someone quits everytime a job gets too hard' date=' too demanding, too boring, too dull, etc. - what's he going to do when things aren't always rosy in married life. Don't get me wrong - I'm still on my honeymoon after over 30 yrs, but reality doesn't always cooperate on a day to day basis. One other point - God's not as interested in you "finding" the right one as He is in you "being" the right one. Susanna BEWARE, most guys (including in church) are total JERKS.[/quote']
My thoughts exactly...my family member is dating a fellow who doesn't have a job. They are living together too..before marriage. I don't recommend being in that situation. Be careful, your flesh is stronger than you think.

[John81]

Words of wisdom Kayla! I've know many Christians who have jumped to fast into serious dating and many who have decided it was okay to live together since they were planning to get married anyway. I've know many who even tried to avoid sexual intimacy but decided "a little" wouldn't hurt so long as they didn't go all the way but eventually the girl ends up pregnant and they still are not married yet. :sad

[Guest Guest]

What if the parents don't share my Christian beliefs at all? I cannot rely on one of my parent to find me a boyfriend. I personally do not understand how can one find a Christian potential boyfriend, most people I assume have met each other through church, but this option is not available for all of us.

[John81]

[quote="Susanna"]What if the parents don't share my Christian beliefs at all? I cannot rely on one of my parent to find me a boyfriend. I personally do not understand how can one find a Christian potential boyfriend, most people I assume have met each other through church, but this option is not available for all of us.[/quote]

Yes, you are correct that if you don't have Christian parents you can't expect them to find you the proper mate.

Regardless of your parents or your church situation, God is yet in control. God knows who your perfect mate is and He knows how to bring the two of you together at the right time. What God desires is your trust in Him. You should be in prayer about this, trusting God to bring you and His choice of mate together in His perfect timing.

My wife and I met as pen pals! :tum We felt a strong connection almost immediately. Eventually we talked on the phone too and it became clear we were going to be married. :Green

God knows how and when to bring us together with our future spouse. Pray and trust God and He will bring it about.

[Kayla]

That's a sweet story John.

[Guest Guest]

[quote="Susanna"]What if the parents don't share my Christian beliefs at all? I cannot rely on one of my parent to find me a boyfriend. I personally do not understand how can one find a Christian potential boyfriend, most people I assume have met each other through church, but this option is not available for all of us.[/quote]

You don't ALWAYS have to meet through church. Believe me, God can use so many other ways to bring you the right mate. I met my husband on a Bible discussion forum (smaller than OnlineBaptist) back in 2006. We just got married in April of this year. I had no clue the Lord was going to use the internet... of all things... to introduce me to the guy He wanted me to marry. (and best of all... I can say the Lord introduced us to each other... because no one else did!!! He gets all the glory for it!)

I know of a young man who met his wife while he was eating out with his family. She was a waitress who happened to be a Christian, so he asked her for her phone number (he was bold like that... lol). She gave it to him, they talked to each other all the time, and eventually they got married. Now they're on deputation... they're going to be missionaries. Amazing, huh?

I'm just trying to say.... not every Christian will meet their future mate at church. Just keep your eyes on the Lord and He'll bring the right one, in His time.

[HappyChristian]

What if the parents don't share my Christian beliefs at all? I cannot rely on one of my parent to find me a boyfriend. I personally do not understand how can one find a Christian potential boyfriend' date=' most people I assume have met each other through church, but this option is not available for all of us.[/quote']


As far as finding a Christian boyfriend goes, I think sometimes we look at things incorrectly. A young lady doesn't need to go about finding a boyfriend. If she is right with the Lord, He will bring her to the one He has in mind for her, in whatever way He plans. As KJBP said, she met her hubby online, as did another couple here.

When God created Adam, he saw that he needed (He knew it all along...) someone to complete him - so He created Eve. Remember the story of Ruth? God brought Ruth all the way from Moab to Israel for Boaz. Rebekah was fetched all the way from the homeland for Isaac.

God has a plan for every Christian's life. And He will bring couples together when it is His time. That can be frustrating sometimes, because a person might feel ready before they actually are. Waiting on the Lord for His best is much better than settling for someone that we might catch who is just good. KWIM?

As far as unsaved parents...they may not share in Christianity, but they do have wisdom gleaned from life. And they do have love for their daughter. If there is a strong objection to a young man, it may not be rooted in his Christianity. There may be a bad character flaw that the parents see but the daughter doesn't. If the only objection is his Christianity, that is workable. But a daughter needs to heed even her unsaved parents if the objections go deeper than that!!!

A Christian daughter doesn't need to wait on her unsaved parents to find a boyfriend. She needs to wait on God...and in the process can learn so much about God's guidance.

[Kayla]

:goodpost: