Unequal walk?

[1John2:15-17]

My wife and I need prayer. This is rather complicated and I could get very long winded, but will try to keep it short.

My wife has was saved in her teens and has been loyal to church attendance throughout the years. I was saved in 1999 (in a Nazarene church) and have only recently really "grown" in the last 4 years since finding my current IFB church. We both were married before (both marriages ended due to infidelity of our ex's).

I've been frustrated in recent months, both with myself and my wife. No, I don't think of myself as "having arrived" or being a better Christian than my wife, but there are times I think that my wife is stunting my growth/hindering my growth. Other than checking the occasional sports score (which isn't often anymore as I can't stand to watch overpaid crybabies), I've given up TV as well as most "worldly things." When I'm home, I just want to read my Bible and commit myself to trying to become closer to the Lord as opposed to watching TV. My wife, is still attached to worldly things in some ways (TV, still occasionally listens to rock and country music, etc.). As much as we hear messages from our pastor and as much as I try to lead in those teachings, I don't she still persists. Our evenings after dinner we sit in the same room, but as she watches "Dancing with the Stars," I'm reading my Bible. In not so many words it's as if she's saying that she can still do some things (TV, music) which are worldly. She is also very frustrated with where we live for various reasons, has an increasing short fuse, or lack of patience over many things. Because of this, my patience are worn thin (which prOBably isn't good). There have been times I've thought in my head that she is merely a "clanging cymbal," especially when she gets on a complaining kick. She says she wants to move closer to her family in PA and that that would prOBably make things better, but I'm not so sure and it isn't like we can just up and move tomorrow.

I've been praying for my wife, but more importantly asking God to show me where I'm wrong and not being as good of a Godly husband as I can be. I'm not the best provider, as I am working 50 hours a week to keep ahead of the bills, etc. I want to serve God and live as best as I can for Him, but also need to be a good husband. I don't think my wife shares in my walk with God despite going to church pretty much whenever the doors are open.

Sorry for the rambling, but I hope this makes some sense.

[HappyChristian]

Aw, cub - I'm sorry things are this way.

I commend you for wanting to get closer to the Lord. Studying the Word of God is vital for that. Unfortunately, your wife hasn't gotten to the point where she is willing to give up worldly things for study of the Word. I have some suggestions....

1. Affirm your love for her every day. Tell her verbally that you love her, but also leave her love notes, bring her flowers (my hubby and son used to stop and pick wildflowers for me: no cost, and they meant more to me because of the "labor" involved in the picking), give her mushy cards, etc. God tells Israel "I have loved thee with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee." The same principle applies between men and their wives. Your love can draw her closer to you, and then to the Lord.

2. Spend time with her. She needs your attention. Plan some games you can play together (board games). Think of places you could just drive to, spending time talking. Look into verses that deal with worldliness and separation. Ask her to join you in a short study of the verses. Maybe one or two a day - just to look at them, and then discuss them for a bit. You are the leader in your home, but the prOBlem is, if she does not want to follow, things can be a prOBlem if you demand or make an ultimatum. Share scripture with her, and allow the Holy Spirit to begin working on her.

3. When you walk by her, touch her. Just a pat on the arm, or a quick kiss on the forehead. You may do this already. If you do, great - increase it. If you don't, think about starting it up. It harks back to #1. Believe me, that makes a wife feel special. My husband does that to me all the time, and I do it to him. It really is special.

4. Find some good Christian movies, and declare one night a week movie night. Complete with popcorn or ice cream, whatever she likes. And watch one good movie with her. a. You spend time with her. b. Doing something she enjoys - watching tv. c. She will be exposed to good stuff (Fireproof is great, but it may not be a good idea to start with that one...she may feel it's aimed at her. Maybe Flywheel - an excellent movie!!).

5. Fellowship with other Christians. Invite a couple over to your house once or twice a month for dinner (something simple and cheap like hot dogs or sloppy joes is great - doesn't have to be steak!!). Give your wife opportunities to meet other Christian ladies like this. Maybe start with your pastor and his wife? It doesn't always have to be dinner. Plan a game night with several others,etc.

6. Don't give up praying for your wife, for yourself.

Hope these ideas help, and help give you other ideas. Woo her, court her again. It may take some time, but she'll respond...

Will be praying.

[irishman]

cubfan, I saw this thread, and immediately my heart went out to you. To be honest though, I can give no better advice than Happy has given you. heed it, please, and let me add that playing "your" music (good, Christian music) as often as is practical can change atmosphere too. God Bless you, and keep praying, Good wants things to work out even more than you do!

[Miss Linda]

I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and your wife. I'm so very sorry you are going through such a difficult trial. I hope some of LuAnne's wonderful suggestions will be helpful to you both. While reading your post, I couldn't help but think that it really might be helpful to introduce other godly couples into your circle of close friends. Perhaps if she developed friendships with other faithful women in your church it would help the situation, and it might help you to have a close male friend to encourage you on the way. LuAnne's idea of inviting people over for dinner or games sounds ideal!

I can't help but see a similarity between your situation and Christ's relationship with His bride, the church. His love for His bride is unshakeable and utterly steadfast, and He wants so very much to lead His bride down a better path, but the church allows itself to be distracted by worldly concerns.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfortably unto her. And I will betroth thee unto Me for ever; Yea, I will betroth thee unto Me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies. I will even betroth thee unto Me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the LORD." (Hosea 2:14, 19–20)

[DennisD]

Brother,

Let me give you a short synopsis of how my marriage has gone in regards to my/our walk with the Lord. My wife was saved first, she paved the road for me to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior. My wife stopped cursing before me, she paved that road for me to stop (of course I slip now and then). My wife started dressing modestly before I did (not like I was wearing daisy dukes or something but I would wear muscle shirts, shorter shorts than I should have). My wife started reading the Bible daily before I did, I followed. My wife stopped drinking alcohol before I did.

I give God all the glory for this but He used my WIFE for me to get stronger. He can use you too, for your wife. It might take some time but if you live the life God wants you to live...your wife is sure to follow. God used my wife as an example (should have been the other way around maybe ? I don't know) so that I could/would come closer to Him.

When I look back I can see clearly how God was working in my life through my wife as a godly example. I love her very much, she's made me a much better man and husband.

Edited November 12, 2010 by DennisDurty

[John81]

Aw, cub - I'm sorry things are this way.

I commend you for wanting to get closer to the Lord. Studying the Word of God is vital for that. Unfortunately, your wife hasn't gotten to the point where she is willing to give up worldly things for study of the Word. I have some suggestions....

1. Affirm your love for her every day. Tell her verbally that you love her, but also leave her love notes, bring her flowers (my hubby and son used to stop and pick wildflowers for me: no cost, and they meant more to me because of the "labor" involved in the picking), give her mushy cards, etc. God tells Israel "I have loved thee with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee." The same principle applies between men and their wives. Your love can draw her closer to you, and then to the Lord.

2. Spend time with her. She needs your attention. Plan some games you can play together (board games). Think of places you could just drive to, spending time talking. Look into verses that deal with worldliness and separation. Ask her to join you in a short study of the verses. Maybe one or two a day - just to look at them, and then discuss them for a bit. You are the leader in your home, but the prOBlem is, if she does not want to follow, things can be a prOBlem if you demand or make an ultimatum. Share scripture with her, and allow the Holy Spirit to begin working on her.

3. When you walk by her, touch her. Just a pat on the arm, or a quick kiss on the forehead. You may do this already. If you do, great - increase it. If you don't, think about starting it up. It harks back to #1. Believe me, that makes a wife feel special. My husband does that to me all the time, and I do it to him. It really is special.

4. Find some good Christian movies, and declare one night a week movie night. Complete with popcorn or ice cream, whatever she likes. And watch one good movie with her. a. You spend time with her. b. Doing something she enjoys - watching tv. c. She will be exposed to good stuff (Fireproof is great, but it may not be a good idea to start with that one...she may feel it's aimed at her. Maybe Flywheel - an excellent movie!!).

5. Fellowship with other Christians. Invite a couple over to your house once or twice a month for dinner (something simple and cheap like hot dogs or sloppy joes is great - doesn't have to be steak!!). Give your wife opportunities to meet other Christian ladies like this. Maybe start with your pastor and his wife? It doesn't always have to be dinner. Plan a game night with several others,etc.

6. Don't give up praying for your wife, for yourself.

Hope these ideas help, and help give you other ideas. Woo her, court her again. It may take some time, but she'll respond...

Will be praying.

These are excellent points from LuAnne which would be good to incorporate.

Also remember that while we can pray for our spouses, we can't "make" them change and we all grow at different rates. What we can do is focus upon our own walk with the Lord, which you seem to be working on. As Matthew 5:16 tells us to let our light shine for others to see, our spouse needs to see this too. Your wife needs to see you becoming that new man in Christ.

As well, remind yourself that yoru walk with the Lord is between you and the Lord. Your walk with the Lord isn't, or shouldn't be, dependant upon your wife...her mood, her actions, how she is with you, etc. I know from experience this can be a difficult challenge to work through as we are yet in our flesh and only through Christ can we work through this.

We have been promised that God will put no more upon us than we are able to handle. Hold on to that fact. Remind yourself of this continually. Be in prayer about this asking the Lord to grant you the wisdom and discernment to see the doors He would have you walk through and recognize those He would have you stay away from. God will always provide a way of escape (not running away, but a means of getting past) or the strength and where-with-all to walk on through.

You, your wife and situation are in my prayers.

[1John2:15-17]

Thanks to all who have replied. I wanted to try to be sure I wasn't doing things totally wrong or losing my mind, lol.

With regards to Happy's list:

#1, I think I'm doing this one well, except I could do better in the flower department.
#2, we've kind of let this slip. We used to play scrabble and other "thinking" games on weekends, more so before I started working Saturdays. I know my wife liked to do this, and I need to take the lead and "make" the time.
#4, another area that could use improvement. I'd rather watch a clean movie (which seem hard to find) rather than tv....in the past year I've just felt convicted about tv and the garbage that it shows, even sports (maybe I need to change my screen name)? We've watched all 3 movies put out by the producer of Fireproof; and I agree, watching Fireproof right now may send the wrong message.
#5, we have just recently started doing this, going to others homes, having them over, going out to dinner, etc. I also (and so do many ladies in our church) encourage her to join in with the ladies meetings, short trips, etc.
#6, this one should never stop.

I think I just need a huge dose of patience with my wife, just as in the Lord.

[DennisD]

Thanks to all who have replied. I wanted to try to be sure I wasn't doing things totally wrong or losing my mind, lol.

With regards to Happy's list:

#1, I think I'm doing this one well, except I could do better in the flower department.
#2, we've kind of let this slip. We used to play scrabble and other "thinking" games on weekends, more so before I started working Saturdays. I know my wife liked to do this, and I need to take the lead and "make" the time.
#4, another area that could use improvement. I'd rather watch a clean movie (which seem hard to find) rather than tv....in the past year I've just felt convicted about tv and the garbage that it shows, even sports (maybe I need to change my screen name)? We've watched all 3 movies put out by the producer of Fireproof; and I agree, watching Fireproof right now may send the wrong message.
#5, we have just recently started doing this, going to others homes, having them over, going out to dinner, etc. I also (and so do many ladies in our church) encourage her to join in with the ladies meetings, short trips, etc.
#6, this one should never stop.

I think I just need a huge dose of patience with my wife, just as in the Lord.

Just remember, if you pray for patience God won't just give you patience...He'll give you "opportunities" to strengthen your patience. Be careful praying for patience!

[Pastor Matt]

No need for me to reiterate what others have said. Praying for you.