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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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I told my wife that I was thinking of flying her mother in for a visit. She asked if we could afford it. I said sure, Wal-Mart has brooms on sale. BobbyW ______________________________ Gen 22:7-8 "And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering? And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together."
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger, -
- 10 replies
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YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN... * You can type sixty words a minute with your feet * Instant coffee takes too long * You chew on other people's fingernails. * You answer the door, before people knock. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * You're the employee of the month at Starbucks, and you don't even work there. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You're so wired you pick up FM radio. * You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your …
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger, -
- 3 replies
- 711 views
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK IF
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger, -
- 5 replies
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[color=#ff0064]...if I posted a blonde joke??? :mrgreen: I read this the other day and thought it was hilarious. :lol: Feel free to post some of your faves as well. :wink: :D *Apologies to Jerry and anyone else who is blonde* :peek: :ha [/color] An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to ju…
Last reply by chev1958, -
- 1 reply
- 524 views
Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
Last reply by chev1958, -
- 5 replies
- 709 views
Got this in an email... Redneck Wiener Roasting!! Now admit it....unless you're a REDNECK, you've never thought of such a BRILLIANT plan!
Last reply by dadof4, -
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New Chemical Discovered The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes ever…
Last reply by chev1958, -
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My little daughter was playing with one of her dolls when she noticed a string tied around it's neck. Well, curious as to what the string was for, she pulled on it. This string is what was keeping the dolls head attached to the body. She brought the doll to my wife and said, "I broke her head." Later that evening, while I was rocking my daughter to sleep, I was rubbing her head and singing her a song. She looked up into my eyes and said, "Daddy, you don't break my head, ok." Trent
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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We'll begin with box; the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of mouse is not ever meese. You may find a lone mouse, or a whole nest of mice, But the plural of house is still never hice. If the plural of man is always men Why shouldn't the plural of pan be pen? If I speak of a foot and you show me two feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? If a singular this is a plural these Should the plural of kiss ever be keese? We speak of a brother and also of brethre…
Last reply by John81, -
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This was sent to me by email from a dear friend of mine, and I just had to share it. Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives …
Last reply by dadof4, -
- 10 replies
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A rich man decided to take some of his riches with him. To keep it a secret from his wife, he put $20 each week in a sack hidden in the attic. That way he could pick it up on his way to heaven. Of course, as most husbands know, the wife knew about his money bag, but kept that knowledge to herself. The rich man eventually passed on, and after a time, his wife began cleaning out some of his belongings to give to charity. While in the attic, she discovered his money bag. "Silly fool," she said to herself. "I told him he should keep this in the basement." Some of you will get it tomorrow! :
Last reply by Anon, -
- 3 replies
- 773 views
Couldn't decide what topic to post this under. But seems like it would work! A WIN, WIN, WIN, situation!!!: 1. Hire ILLEGAL immigrants to dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, 2. Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans. 3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat. 4. Send the ILLEGAL Immigrants back to their country or teach them English and make them permanent American citizens. Any other problems you would like me to solve for you today?
Last reply by guatemalamom, -
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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. "a recipe"
Last reply by IM4given, -
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A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See. Did you learn anything from that?" The boy replies, "I Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes an…
Last reply by jen26, -
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1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is…
Last reply by IM4given, -
- 8 replies
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Ron, this is for you... :lol: I don't know if these statistics are true or not; this is just a humorous email I received. FACTS TO PONDER: (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Now think about this: Guns: (A) The number of gun …
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger, -
- 14 replies
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Y'all let me know if you like this one... GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and w…
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Smiles from the Bible... > > Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? > A. Ruthless. > > Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? > A. German Shepherds. > > Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? > A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in > liquidation. > > Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? > A Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew > out a little prophet. > > Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? > A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's > Triumph was heard throughout th…
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This came from a friend::::::::: MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depres…
Last reply by God_is_good, -
- 1 reply
- 629 views
Three women and three men are traveling by train into the city. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men. "Watch and learn," answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it …
Last reply by Anon, -
- 1 reply
- 826 views
*My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. *Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. *After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. *Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. *Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. *I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. *My best job was as a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. *I studi…
Last reply by Chelle, -
Another article found in Jeff V.'s blog: [size=18]B.O.O.K.[/size] Introducing the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge software: B.O.O.K. BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric currents, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. So easy to use, even a child can operate it! Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere -- even on a beach, yards from a power point. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc! Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages …
Last reply by Jerry, -
- 2 replies
- 582 views
A Letter From Junior Camp Dear Mom, Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it wa…
Last reply by lettheredeemedsayso, -
Hymns
by Psalms18_28- 5 replies
- 2.5k views
Hymn Good morning, and welcome to our hymn sing. We are pleased to announce that we have a hymn for everyone. Our program this day will include: [b]The Dentist's Hymn[/b]~ Crown Him with Many Crowns [b]The Weatherman's Hymn[/b]~ There Shall Be Showers of Blessings [b]The Contractor's Hymn[/b]~ The Church's One Foundation [b]The Tailor's Hymn[/b]~ Holy, Holy, Holy [b]The Golfer's Hymn[/b]~ There Is A Green Hill Far Away [b]The Politician's Hymn[/b]~ Standing on the Promises [b]The Optometrist's Hymn[/b]~ Open My Eyes That I Might See [b]The IRS Agent's Hymn[/b]~ I Surrender All [b]The Gossip's Hymn[/b]~ Pass It On [b]The Electrician's …
Last reply by Chelle, -
- 8 replies
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Three men went deer hunting, and as they crossed the field going to the woods, a huge buck jumped up in their path. All three fired at the same time. The buck dropped, and as they came up on the buck, they realized they had a problem. Which one of them shot the deer? As they discussed the problem, a game warden came along to check for hunting licenses. He offered to sort out the problem, examined the deer, and said, "One of you guys is a preacher, right?" And sure enough, one of them was. "Well, preacher, your shot is the one that got the buck." Amazed, the guys asked how he knew one of them was a preacher, and that the preacher's shot was the one that scored. …
Last reply by mainstays,
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By BrotherTony · Posted
I had my Dad die from cancer back in June of 2000, and I couldn't be there for his death. I was there just a few weeks before he passed. My birth father has pushed everyone away except for his grandchildren. My relationship with him has been tenuous at best. My niece just sent a text telling me that he is unresponsive, but still breathing. He'll probably pass away in the next few hours. -
By 1Timothy115 · Posted
Folks, A brother here at OB developed an online download KJV Bible for PCs and Phones. I recently had to do a phone factory reset and lost the app and the saved link address. Anyone here have that link or know the brother, sadly I can't remember who he was. I must have turned 71 on November 1st, can't remember like I used to 😱. Thanks in advance. -
I feel for you, bro. I went through the same thing although none of my siblings helped me out. -
By BrotherTony · Posted
My birth father's hospice nurse and doctor have given him a few days at the most to live. We have witnessed to him several times, sent him Gospel tracts and prayed for him for the past 40 years. He did ask for a preacher to come and talk to him, and my niece's pastor went and talked to him. At any rate, Pop can't keep anything straight now, and his organs have started to shut down. I spoke to him for just a few minutes last evening and told him I loved him. I know I won't be able to speak with him again. His passing will bring it's own set of challenges as my stepmom is starting to go into full blown Alzheimer's. There's only her sister left to care for her after Pop passes. Please pray for this whole situation and for my Pop's peaceful passing. My wife and I won't be able to make a trip up to Corydon IN , and he wants no services or memorials. Thanks in advance BT -
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