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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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Girl Dictionary----- -- Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguements. -- Five Minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your hockey game is going to last before you do whatever it is she wants you to do. --Nothing: This means something. Be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling she has of wanting to rip your face off. Nothing usually signifies an arguement that will last five minutes and end with the word fine. --Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows…
Last reply by JAHinton, -
- 10 replies
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids) -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 -WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 -HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based…
Last reply by godsgurlie_077, -
Funny Frogs
by Selah-
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I saw these and I couldn't pass them up...they're too funny. :Green
Last reply by John81, -
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Words Women use ALOT FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine". GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot an…
Last reply by Selah, -
Funny Story
by LAF- 3 replies
- 606 views
Below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my accou…
Last reply by John81, -
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- 549 views
Earl and Bubba, two good ol boys, are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Last reply by Anon, -
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A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Last reply by Charbo, -
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Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!" On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a mate…
Last reply by John81, -
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1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ?power-wash? and rinse. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly li…
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'" The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
Last reply by John81, -
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I took this from A Little Leaven. It is funny and very true. http://www.alittleleaven.com/2007/12/ps ... ing-e.html
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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- Administrators
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Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? .............................................................. THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN Democrat's Answer: Well, …
Last reply by kevinmiller, -
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*The Innkeepers Top 10 Excuses...* 10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful. 9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvings as payment anymore. 8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going. 7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels. 6. Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention. 5. Didn't accept the Judean Express Card. 4. Last room left was by the ice machine. 3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before. 2. Closed front desk early to take family to watch unique star. 1. No last names, no service.
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25 2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12 3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24 4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each. 5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sol…
Last reply by bzmomo7, -
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- 3 replies
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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, and one of the applicants - who was not known to be the brightest academically - was called in for an interview. "Okay," began the sheriff, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," came the reply. The sheriff thought to himself, "That?s not what I meant, but he?s right." Then the sheriff asked, "what two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today & tomorrow," replied the applicant. The sheriff was again surprised over the answer, one that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The job seeker seemed a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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During scuba diving training class, a student asked what should be done if a shark was seen coming at the group. "Should we try to stab it with our diving knife?" the student asked. The instructor said, "Don?t do that! You?ll only make him mad." Then with a smile he went on, "If you see a shark coming after you, take out your knife, and cut your buddy and swim like crazy."
Last reply by John81, -
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. 1. Don't change horses ??until they stop running.. 2. Strike while the ????.bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before ??..Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of ???termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but ???How? 6. Don't bite the hand that.......looks dirty. 7. No news is.......... impossible 8. A miss is as good as a ????????..Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new.......Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .....…
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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Be careful in your selection. Do not choose too young. Once selected, give your entire thoughts to preparation for domestic use. Some insist upon keeping them in a pickle, others are constantly getting them into hot water. This may make them sour, hard and sometimes bitter. Even poor varieties may be made sweet, tender and good, by garnishing them with patience, well sweetened with love and seasoned with kisses. Wrap them in a mantle of charity. Keep warm with a steady dose of domestic devotion and serve with peaches and cream. Thus prepared, they will keep for years. ~ Ann Marie Gardiner Walsh - Ball Book of Canning
Last reply by IM4given, -
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Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay * He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. * The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. * McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. * From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like whe…
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
- 2 replies
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Got this in an E-mail from a friend:::::::: :Green
Last reply by IM4given, -
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there was a family traveling in a van and they were traveling in a snowstorm that picked up in intensity. the van began to slide and the dad managed to right the van and keep it on the road. grimly the dad asked his family to pray that they might reach their destination safely. right away his little boy said i'll pray for us dad and preceeded to bow his head, close his eyes, fold his hands and pray,"dear Lord thankyou for this food :amen:
Last reply by flaminlayman, -
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Uncle Jay explains Congress - funny video! http://www.unclejayexplains.com/2007/07/page/2/
Last reply by IM4given, -
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- 536 views
Cover letter line funnies: Cover Letters: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume." "I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt." "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date." "It's best for employers that I not work with people." "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity." "If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope." "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like…
Last reply by speerjp1, -
- 7 replies
- 777 views
You Know You?re A Gear Head When: You can't look at some old car without sizing it up for all the good parts you can scavenge from it. You have to move engine/turbine parts off the dining room table at mealtime to make room to eat. You cannot throw out something without first taking it apart to see ?just? what broke, and why. When your neighbors routinely ask you if you want something before they throw it out. When your trashcan is both a source of amusement and frustration for the trash man. It's the only one on the street that they always have to use the hoist on, rather than heave it manually like the rest of them. And it makes the most noise being empti…
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down. That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
Last reply by HappyChristian,
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By BrotherTony · Posted
I had my Dad die from cancer back in June of 2000, and I couldn't be there for his death. I was there just a few weeks before he passed. My birth father has pushed everyone away except for his grandchildren. My relationship with him has been tenuous at best. My niece just sent a text telling me that he is unresponsive, but still breathing. He'll probably pass away in the next few hours. -
By 1Timothy115 · Posted
Folks, A brother here at OB developed an online download KJV Bible for PCs and Phones. I recently had to do a phone factory reset and lost the app and the saved link address. Anyone here have that link or know the brother, sadly I can't remember who he was. I must have turned 71 on November 1st, can't remember like I used to 😱. Thanks in advance. -
I feel for you, bro. I went through the same thing although none of my siblings helped me out. -
By BrotherTony · Posted
My birth father's hospice nurse and doctor have given him a few days at the most to live. We have witnessed to him several times, sent him Gospel tracts and prayed for him for the past 40 years. He did ask for a preacher to come and talk to him, and my niece's pastor went and talked to him. At any rate, Pop can't keep anything straight now, and his organs have started to shut down. I spoke to him for just a few minutes last evening and told him I loved him. I know I won't be able to speak with him again. His passing will bring it's own set of challenges as my stepmom is starting to go into full blown Alzheimer's. There's only her sister left to care for her after Pop passes. Please pray for this whole situation and for my Pop's peaceful passing. My wife and I won't be able to make a trip up to Corydon IN , and he wants no services or memorials. Thanks in advance BT -
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