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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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Former President Bill Clinton gets off his private jet with two Arizona Razorback pigs under his arms. He turns to his head of security and says "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea". Without missint a beat the security man says "Nice trade sir!"
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*Nature Abhors A Simile* There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they…
Last reply by Ashlee, -
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America MARIA: ; Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACH…
Last reply by Ashlee, -
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Last reply by dadof4, -
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services,when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. When he did, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Last reply by John81, -
In honor of every Mother on Mother's Day Happy Mother's Day!
Last reply by 282Mikado, -
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Shirley & Marcy A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with…
Last reply by MilkmanDan, -
Shavin' 1 2
by MilkmanDan-
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Once Shaved.... Setting: A small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort.This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, s…
Last reply by godsgurlie_077, -
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Scrabble....clever I thought this was clever! and YES someone has too much time on their hands. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME …
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After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.: 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Last reply by tired, -
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It seems Chelsea Clinton decided to stump for votes for her mom at the Pentagon. When she got there, she saw this huge Marine, decorated with all kinds of medals. She kinda snuck up behind him and said, "I'll bet you aren't afraid of anything, are you?" He answered that there were 2 or 3 things... Osama Obama & your mama!!! :lol:
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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The New York Times is famous for their left wing conservative views... A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant an…
Last reply by tired, -
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On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.…
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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For all you Road Runner fans...this is just too funny to pass up! :loll:
Last reply by LindaR, -
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***Ask Grandma no questions?she will tell you no lies!!!*** When Grandma Goes To Court Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answers! In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to …
Last reply by IM4given, -
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Fox news was just reporting that a blog on Obama's site was liberal......can you say duh!
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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Dear Internal Revenue Service: Enclosed you will find my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am therefore enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029) which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the 'Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) #2 Phillips head scre…
Last reply by IM4given, -
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*Baby Wrap* (((A Public Health Nurse speaks.))) Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?" "Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy." "I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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Last reply by IM4given, -
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY I don't think you could help but laugh as you see this... :lol (nothing bad, I promise!!)
Last reply by jchahl, -
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The other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on t…
Last reply by deputydog530, -
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- 5 replies
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I saw this on YouTube and had to share it here. I thought y'all might appreciate it since not too many (if any) of us likes the focus around this time of year on the bunny and eggs and all that rot. Anyway, enjoy! :Green [tube]ZCrGnd3ljqA[/tube]
Last reply by IM4given, -
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:lol:
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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*Four Little Words* Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, he's sweet, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked. Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
Last reply by Bear,
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By MikeWatson1 · Posted
The problem is often the starting point is belief there is no God...or they cant know. Just because they look at things they can observe, they automatically rule out the supernatural. What they fail to see is they have their own religion, because they never observed one species become another. They have faith that whales became cows.. dinosaurs became birds and ape like creatures became humans. They don't have good evidence for this. Most creation scientists talk about what glasses you put on to view the evidence. I don't like this kind of thinking because it doesn't talk about the facts...but it does show preconceived assumptions. -
I would cite Matthew 18:15-17, Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matt.18.15,Matt.18.16,Matt.18.17&version=KJV best regards, Oldtyme -
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By BrotherTony · Posted
My niece sent me a text yesterday telling me that my father had asked for her pastor to come out to the house to talk to him about eternity. He admitted that he was a sinner and needed the Lord, and he asked the Lord to save him. Praise the Lord for answered prayers. -
By BrotherTony · Posted
Yes, I have a pastor friend in the Independence, MO area that spoke against this often. I've got an aunt and uncle in O'Fallon, MO who could be on either side of the issue.
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