Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends Into Riots, Looting And Cannibalism

[ThePilgrim]

Monday, September 30, 2013

Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

Posted by Daniel Greenfield @ the Sultan Knish blog 15 Comments

 

"The United States of America (1787-2013) came to a swift and sudden end last night as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun 
confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia.

"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff.

With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

The victims were many. In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Senegalese woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.

An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.

In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities. Their calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to Eric Holder's private voicemail along with frequent messages from his coke dealer demanding to be paid, like right now, and requests for weapons manuals from several Mexican cartel bosses.

In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.

In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and declared himself to be the nation's new leader. While some suspect him to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a hastily erased message reading "Impeach Nixon" on the side, the city fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.

In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation's eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, "I told you so. Now we're all doomed."

The only surviving member of the national government outside the dead zone is believed to be Vice President Joseph Biden who showed up on a beach in Waddiddi, Florida, where he has spent hours entertaining himself by building an elaborate 1/100 scale model of the White House out of sand. Attempts to inform him that the tide was coming in have fallen on deaf ears.

As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 17 times."

 

Just kidding. 

God bless,

Larry

 

[JerryNumbers]

Sad day for America our politicians are totally ruining our country, its all about party & the 'big boys,' & not what is best for the American citizens, & its will get much worse.

[John81]

The above was very funny, and highlights the "we must act now or it's DOOM!" farce, as well as the fact most people don't care and even if they do, they aren't going to do anything about it.

 

The politicians know how to pick and choose just what the fake government "shut down" will halt and not halt. They know full well that if food stamps were not sent forth there would indeed be riots and massive chaos and mayhem in cities across the land.

 

The country isn't being ruined, it's already been ruined, we just haven't fully decayed yet. Nothing short of another Great Awakening could even begin to help America.

[irishman]

You guys are making light of a serious situation.  We need to pray for America and her leaders.

[Miss Daisy]

Funny article Pilgrim!

[Miss Daisy]

You guys are making light of a serious situation.  We need to pray for America and her leaders.

Do you think the makers of this mess even take it serious?! Please!!! Maybe we should take a closer look at the 800,000 government workers whose jobs aren't important enough to stay open?? but they'll continue to be paid! just a paid vacation for them.

[Ukulelemike]

You guys are making light of a serious situation.  We need to pray for America and her leaders.

While I certainly enjoyed the article, I do agree, that it IS serious and we must be praying for our officials.

[Miss Daisy]

I think we a need a broader, all encompassing government shut down! One for all and all for one! One goes, they ALL go. Martial law. Get your guns Annie!

[ThePilgrim]

I do agree that the situation with our government is serious.  However I am not referring to the latest so-called crisis.  The serious problem with government is they have no respect or fear of either man nor God.  They do whatever feels right to them whether it is right in God's eyes or not, and if they don't care what God thinks it is certainly an error to think that they care what you or I think.  

You are right they do need our prayers that they might begin to fear God and thereby be enabled to do right.  

With the laws they pass they rob from the people, they cheat the people, they use our children too fight and die in unnecessary wars.  

What this country needs right now is not another politician or a man on a white horse but a Jeremiah.

 

God bless,

Larry

Edited October 2, 2013 by pilgrim1938

[swathdiver]

We should abolish this government and start another one that honor's God.

[BlessedChristianlady8]

I am beyond my witsend with this shut down because we were about to agree with a settlement through a hud/loan deal thing and we were about to get awarded when the stupid shutdown happened , can someone tell me in neatural way , what is happening and how long before we hear about our settlement? I am very upset right now ....

[JerryNumbers]

You can thank Mr. Obama for the shutdown, & he is trying to make it hurt everyone possible, & trying to pin the blame on the republican party.

 

And perhaps God is shutting a door for you & hubby. And please notice, I did not say God was shutting a door, I said perhaps.

[BlessedChristianlady8]

You can thank Mr. Obama for the shutdown, & he is trying to make it hurt everyone possible, & trying to pin the blame on the republican party.

 

And perhaps God is shutting a door for you & hubby. And please notice, I did not say God was shutting a door, I said perhaps.

What you mean what kind of door is he might be shutting? LOL  we had a document from our case and signed papers through online on the friday before the shutdown and everyone had to sign it, which means we would be still getting that settlement... we were in the signing and ending the case when the shutdown happened..

[JerryNumbers]

It really matters not what you have, if God wants to close a door He will close that door, & please remember I said. "PERHAPS!"

[John81]

We should abolish this government and start another one that honor's God.

While this sounds good, nothing short of direct intervention from God could bring such about.

 

The only other way to even attempt such would not be God honouring as it would require much bloodshed, brutality and forced migrations and executions of millions of people.

 

Better to follow the biblical model and do as Paul and the other Apostles and early Christians did.