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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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- 5 replies
- 800 views
When Jesus was born, Mary made a birthday cake. Jesus was too little to eat his cake, so Mary just smashed it up really small and made baby food birthday cake for Jesus to eat.
Last reply by trc123, -
- 2 replies
- 616 views
A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know, it's working perfectly here, the problem must yours..."
Last reply by Salyan, -
- 2 replies
- 712 views
I teach 7 year olds at Sunday school, and here's what happened today: Teacher: "Since there was no room at the inn, where did Mary and Joseph have to stay?" Student: "In the garage."
Last reply by anime4christ, -
- 4 replies
- 757 views
A Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. He replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 2 replies
- 552 views
On the last day of kindergarten all the children brought presents for their teacher.The florist's son brought his gift to the teacher who held it up and shook it. She said, "I'll bet it's flowers." "You are right", shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter brought her gift. The teacher shook it and said, "I'll bet it's a box of candy". "You are right", shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that the box was leaking. She asked, "Is it wine?", as she tasted a drop of the dripping liquid. The boy said, "NO". She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it champagne?…
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- 3 replies
- 809 views
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There's not a Single person in it. Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents. Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide? Because it's too cold "out tide!" What do you call a boom-a-rang, that dosen't come back? Answer: A stick!
Last reply by futurehope, -
- 1 reply
- 817 views
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. T…
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 6 replies
- 800 views
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
Last reply by futurehope, -
JOkes
by Angelmiss49- 0 replies
- 541 views
Where do fish get ther money at? THe Riverbank What did Snoopy say to his Nieces and Nehpes to wquiet them down? Hushpuppies Angelmiss
Last reply by Angelmiss49, -
- 1 reply
- 559 views
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father." "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
Last reply by deputydog530, -
- 4 replies
- 945 views
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
Last reply by trc123, -
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got m…
Last reply by Marcus2Israel, -
- 3 replies
- 835 views
One of the novice drill instructor's duties at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
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- 3 replies
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A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic." The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new di…
Last reply by IM4given, -
- 1 reply
- 641 views
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks. This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Uh oh." Only the state of Oklahoma was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
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- 0 replies
- 695 views
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to …
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 0 replies
- 461 views
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist. The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The C…
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 0 replies
- 456 views
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating." The teacher says, "No that's fascinating." Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated." The teacher says, "No that's fascinated." So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new dress with 12 pearl buttons, but she's so big she could only fasten eight!
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 0 replies
- 446 views
This is old, but good: An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The football player replied…
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 0 replies
- 738 views
Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship? A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/they wrinkle. Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men? A. Government bonds mature. Q. How are men like noodles? A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions. Q. What's the be…
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 0 replies
- 618 views
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Last reply by Charbo, -
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Last reply by Charbo, -
The things kids say
by Guest Guest- 5 replies
- 926 views
I was cleaning one day in the kitchen and my 3 year old daughter comes up and says "Mommy, how much does God know?" I replied " Oh God knows everything, sweetie." With out missing a beat she says "Like me cause I know everything too."
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- 3 replies
- 828 views
I know Thanksgiving is past, but this was so funny I had to post it. The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair. It ricocheted into a corner and burst with deafening boom, then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room. It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor, there was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before. It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl, there wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control. I scraped and I scr…
Last reply by John81, -
- 12 replies
- 2.3k views
If someone's already posted this, I apologize for the repetition. The thread on starting a new church made me remember this... A Baptist man was lost at seas and found himself on a deserted island. Four months later a rescue ship arrived and found him. As he boarded the rescue ship the captain looked a shore and saw three crude huts. "Where are the other two people?" the captain asked. "It's just me," the man replied. "Then why three huts?" "Oh, the one on the left is where I live. The one next to it is where I go to church. The one next to it is where I used to go to church."
Last reply by John81,
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By MikeWatson1 · Posted
The problem is often the starting point is belief there is no God...or they cant know. Just because they look at things they can observe, they automatically rule out the supernatural. What they fail to see is they have their own religion, because they never observed one species become another. They have faith that whales became cows.. dinosaurs became birds and ape like creatures became humans. They don't have good evidence for this. Most creation scientists talk about what glasses you put on to view the evidence. I don't like this kind of thinking because it doesn't talk about the facts...but it does show preconceived assumptions. -
I would cite Matthew 18:15-17, Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matt.18.15,Matt.18.16,Matt.18.17&version=KJV best regards, Oldtyme -
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By BrotherTony · Posted
My niece sent me a text yesterday telling me that my father had asked for her pastor to come out to the house to talk to him about eternity. He admitted that he was a sinner and needed the Lord, and he asked the Lord to save him. Praise the Lord for answered prayers. -
By BrotherTony · Posted
Yes, I have a pastor friend in the Independence, MO area that spoke against this often. I've got an aunt and uncle in O'Fallon, MO who could be on either side of the issue.
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