Humor
Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times! "
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I received this in my email this morning and thought I'd share it. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the gr…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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The preacher had just gotten a GPS. Using it for the 1st time on a trip to the drug store. Having read not to leave it unattended in his car he carried it into the drug store with him. While waiting on the pharmacists it started saying, "Lost the satellite," over and over. yet it did not bother the preacher until a woman came up to him saying, "Your ankle bracelet is talking to you." The Preacher & his new toy
Last reply by amblivion, -
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, their two boys are prOBably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but…
Last reply by Brother Rick, -
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The Bible According to Kids The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like D…
Last reply by CPR, -
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My mom, sister and I were browsing in Good Will one day when I heard a feminine voice just on the other side of the clothes rack. I had to do a double-take -- the voice was girly, but the body was only attempting to be the same! There stood a teenage boy with a tight shirt, tie-die leggings, make-up, and a ponytail. Accompanying him was his mother, who was helping him pick out mini skirts! In a few minutes my family and I made our way to the dressing rooms, where the teen boy and his mother had already been for quite some time. Their conversation was easy to hear, as they were really just a few feet apart from us. The boy began telling his mother, "I hope Amber c…
Last reply by amblivion, -
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Last reply by Covenanter, -
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Do you think this picture is real? If it isn't, it is an extremely well-done graphic manipulation!
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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Got this in an email today: As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the area I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in pla…
Last reply by amblivion, -
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I saw this today and thought it was hilarious. I did a print screen because eventually craigslist ads go away. Enjoy!
Last reply by CPR, -
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- Administrators
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I don't watch the late shows, but I thought some of these were funny. All right, we can tell by what people are searching for that a lot of you are interested in BP Oil Spill Jokes. I personally have a hard time laughing but some of these are kinda funny. A special thanks to Daniel Kurtzman who compiled all these from late night TV. We also found some pretty good one liners at Daily Comedy.com. “Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re capturing it with ducks.” —Jimmy Fallon “This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes th…
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Sat., June 12, 2010 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Complaining About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group …
Last reply by amblivion, -
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Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed downat a dead cat in the mall parking lot. OBviously a recent hit..no flies,no smell.. What business could that poor kitty havehad here?' murmured Ellen..' Come on, Ellen, let's just go...' But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining,'I'lljust put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.. .' She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paperto cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing theirgoods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that…
Last reply by OFIB Preacher, -
Puns anyone? 1 2
by irishman- 22 replies
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I went to the jewelry store to pick up an order--they said "When it's ready we'll give you a ring" Then I went to the musioc store, they were closed, so I left them a note! (Ha, I like that one)
Last reply by Alumentum, -
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DINNER A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, no mushrooms, they are too high. He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.' She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.' He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So, Janet d…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
Estherisms
by dadof4- 0 replies
- 713 views
Well, I have a couple more Estherism to share with you all. One night, as we were doing Bible reading, I asked a question about what was just read. Jonathan answered with his normal answer, "Jesus." Nathaniel said, "You mean 'Jesus?'" (said in Spanish the the J making an H sound). Esther looks at Nathaniel and says, Nathaniel, that's taking the Lord's name in sane!" Also, one day in the van, Esther and Nathaniel starting talking about what Bible we use. Esther said, "We use the King James Virgin!"
Last reply by dadof4, -
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What do God and OBama have in common? - Neither one have a birth certificate. What do God and OBama NOT have in common? - God only asks for 10% - God's plan to save us is easy to understand and written down for all to read. - God will let you live your life however you want to.
Last reply by John81, -
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I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. Moral of this…
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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DAD & SON A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've OBserved that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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Taken from an email... "In Houston last week we had a man who has a gift of seeing through to the heart of things. (It is really the gift of discerning spirits.) He was telling us about having received a letter recently from a large international radio broadcast seeking support from Christians for their broadcasting. They sent out a letter, the kind that is double-spaced, every sentence is a paragraph, and they underline part of it, etc., and you know they all have the same advertising firm (you can always tell them this way.) The appeal of the letter was that God cannot be out-given, that if you give to God, he will give back to you. They announced that they needed a …
Last reply by Crushmaster, -
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Cold Winter The Indians asked their Chief, in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter? " "…
Last reply by Crushmaster, -
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I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico , and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements. We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following: 1. Free medical care for my entire family. 2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whe…
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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Have you heard about the new OBama Value Meal at McDonald's? -Order what ever you want and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Last reply by Crushmaster, -
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Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter - it will be built in Canada .
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in…
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our prOBlems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money…
Last reply by irishman,