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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
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What are some of the things you have said to your children that you never thought you would have to say? This is one I said recently to Esther - "Please, don't eat your Bible".
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."
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Acts 2:38 A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the Act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and Explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why Did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to You.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
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I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!! LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!? THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. scroll down THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS. :frog :frog DIDN'T EVE…
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pqe-rFtIhvQ
Last reply by orvals, -
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A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago". The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going t…
Last reply by PreacherBen, -
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." Well, I can't believe it," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I …
Last reply by Salyan, -
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Car Talk's Recently Hired Staff 401K Statement Analysts Douse and Burnham Class Attendance Monitor Julie Verley Director of Preventive Maintenance Oscar Ruitt Director of Vengence Ewell Rudy Day Ponzi Scheme Operato Shirley W. Money Seasonal Adjustment Disorder Specialist Mahmoud S. Bleak Snowboarding Instructor Soren Dekeester Used Car Salesperson Meg Meehan Hoffa Werewolf Studies Specialist Harriet Knight Car Talk's Official Staff Credits Accounts Payable Administrator Imelda Czechs Aegean Caterer Sue Flockey Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office Dasha Chekhov Accounts Receivable Supervisor from the Mumbai Office Vishnu Payup Adopted Son …
Last reply by CJP56, -
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A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Last reply by KayceeLochner, -
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:blonde: These are hilarious! You have to read them!!! :blonde: 1.Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax." Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you …
Last reply by KayceeLochner, -
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A young boy arrived to Sunday School class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
Last reply by Marcus2Israel, -
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A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention. The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so ble…
Last reply by KayceeLochner, -
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After David killed Goliath, he was dancing and praising the Lord. When he sliced Goliath's head off David picked it up and said to Goliath, "In your face (literally)!!!" Made that joke up myself.
Last reply by KayceeLochner, -
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD." The neighbor jumped from behind a …
Last reply by KayceeLochner, -
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I received this in an email therefore I can't vouch for its truthfulness, but it is funny. A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, s…
Last reply by Adaram, -
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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided…
Last reply by Angelmiss49, -
There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can't. There are two groups of people in the world: those who believe that the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don't. There are two groups of people in the world: Those who can be categorized into one of two groups of people, and those who can't.
Last reply by Danny Carlton, -
Awful Time
by Charbo- 1 reply
- 757 views
"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends. "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
Last reply by Angelmiss49, -
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OK, ok, I know it's not theologically correct, but it is funny. Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse…
Last reply by bzmomo7, -
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An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Last reply by PreacherBen, -
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A pastor's wife on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time you preached a dud sermon, I put an egg in the box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of preaching, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."
Last reply by futurehope, -
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1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.
Last reply by John81, -
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A young preacher appeared before a pulpit committee.The chairman of the committee asked, "Young man, do you know your Bible?" "Yes", the young man replied, "I know my Bible." "What part do you know the best?" the chairman asked.The young preacher replied, "Well, I know it all good....the Old Testament and the New Testament." The chairman said, "Well, why don't you tell us a story... How about the story of the Good Samaritan?" The young preacher replied that would be fine with him, so he began: "There was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus who went down to Jericho by night, and fell on stony ground, and the thorns choked him half to death. He said 'What shall I do? …
Last reply by John81, -
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A nun went to pick ups medical supplies, but on the way back her car ran out of gas. Having just passed a gas station, she walked back and asked for a 2 gallons. The attendant said the station had sold its last gas can, so she would need to find something to put the gas in. Dejected, the nun started back to her car when she realized that she had a bedpan among the medical supplies. She took the bed-pan to the station, put gas in it and walked back to her car. As the nun poured from the bedpan into the tank, two men watching from across the street looked at each other in amazement, before one said, "If that blasted car starts, I'm going to become a Catholic."
Last reply by PreacherBen,
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By BrotherTony · Posted
Yes, I have a pastor friend in the Independence, MO area that spoke against this often. I've got an aunt and uncle in O'Fallon, MO who could be on either side of the issue. -
The country seems to be going in a positive direction, sadly in Missouri we allowed amendment three to be passed.
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I complete agree brother, we younger people are taught as you said that we are the descendants of primates, we are then taught that as you’ve mentioned about the new view of the Bible, that our religion is wrong and backward, a very sad thing in todays education. I hear it even from teachers and peers who would profess to be Christians.
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By BrotherTony · Posted
It's strange how the Bible was held in such high esteem then, but that after this trial, not so very far from where I live today, the Bible is no longer welcomed into the classroom, and we are now considered to be the proginy of monkeys. It's so very sad. -
Hello brothers and sisters, I was recently given the assignment of writing a paper on the infamous Scopes V. Tennessee trial. I found it quite interesting how the defense attorney, Clarence Darrow, had no genuine argument or examination of the evidence itself. He instead called the prosecuting attorney, Mr. William Jennings Bryan, as a sole witness and ridiculed his faith, interpretation of the Bible, and his view of the creation account. I find this very thought provoking. best regards, Oldtyme (edits have been made for clarity and grammar purposes.)
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