Please HELP me--I have a horrible situation !

[Bowyer30]

My heart breaks even more as I find myself even having to write this. For I shouldn't have to at all....

...I had it all, a wife, a baby girl, and a steady job...but then the baby girl has physical struggles due to an injury before birth and after 2 1/2 years of marriage, the wife decides that she doesn't want to be married to me anymore--choosing to go back to finish living a "wild life"--free from me.--(see Demas having forsaken me, having loved this present world and the Hosea / Gomer Paradigm) : ( Obviously--just like Abraham and Hagar--I, making a mistake, need to find the REAL "Sarah"-- I feel so used and empty...

...so, it is with a very heavy heart, knowing that she will probably make me sign a divorce paper in the near future, that I throw myself out there and trust God that He knows exactly what His Will is for what happens next...maybe a friend first, forgiveness, slowly dating, and one day marriage again...I leave it up to Him.

Please, if you can understand this situation and want to be the a virtuous woman that God can use to heal my broken heart, send me a message. Even if you only want to offer encouragement, I need those messages too. : )

I graduated from Pensacola Christian College in 2002, so with me, dating is merely getting together, talking, eating, or watching tv. If you are calmer, romantic, like art, music, or low-stress activities, then we will get along well.

If you are shorter, petite, an inspiring muse, or a deep-thinker, let me know all about it...

I am SOOO tired of the secrets, lies, and ulterior motives-- being quiet, isolated, and alone is not fun--I just want to laugh without inhibitions, have fun, be creative, and most of all--finally allow God to, over time, reveal to me the wonderful experience of unconditional love through the woman he prepared for me before the foundation of the world.

[Colin Stolzer]

I could be misunderstanding you post here, but it sounds to me like you aren't even divorced and are looking for a new mate. If this isn't what you meant to convey and I've just misunderstood I apologize in advance.

Having said that I would suggest you spend a considerable amount of time in prayer and in God's word seeking the answers to your current marriage problems and not bring more problems on yourself by seeking another woman, since you are still married.

Again if I have misunderstood I apologize.
I'll be praying for you.

C

[deafnva77]

I am sorry about what happened to you

Can I make a suggestion? you might want to wait til your heart is healed before datiing someone. Or you later feel resentful for dating someone for the wrong reason (like looking for someone to cure your loneliness, heartache, etc.) The reason I am saying this because I put myself in that situation with my ex. And our relationship turned out bitter.

[Anon]

I feel really sorry for you...but this is not a dating forum. And it is questionable whether it is even Biblical to remarry after divorce. And according to your post, you are not even divorced, yet already looking for a certain type of female friend?

If you are shorter, petite, an inspiring muse, or a deep-thinker, let me know all about it...

Sorry, this isn't the site for you. :smile If you would like spiritual help from the other men here, feel free to stay...but if you are looking for women, you may want to move on.

I pray you can heal your marriage or otherwise heal your life through God.

[Guest Guest]

"Corinthians 7:27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife."

We would be glad to help you where we can, but as others have pointed out it just isn't right for you to start looking for a new wife when you are still married. Many people here(myself included) believe based on scripture that a person should not remarry after a divorce as long as both individuals are still living. Even those who disagree with that likely would agree that a married individual should not be looking for a new wife.

This isn't to condemn you personally, I just think from the general tone of your post that you need to grow in the Lord. OLB is a good place for that, so stick around if you can. :Green

BTW welcome to the board...


Edited to add: kitagrl posted while I was writing this, good thoughts. :thumb

[Bowyer30]

Thank you for your words of Godly Wisdom...

I understand all your points.

I merely want to do everything humanly possible to vent during this frustrating time.

I do not want to cause division.

My main thought to mull over is that she admitted to me that she did not mean her vows and therefore since man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart, that it would not be a valid marriage--would be more like fornication in His eyes and that her "promise" was a lie--

nevertheless--

I can understand your hesitation...and I TOO do NOT want to be divorced...I AM STUCK !

What are your thoughts now?

[Anon]

I'm sorry, but wrong motives do not nix the vow. Do a study on vows in the Bible...God says don't utter them, or you are bound to follow through. You, also, made that vow. You both consumated that vow. You are married, til death do you part. If you married the "wrong" woman, well...now she is the right one, for better or worse.

I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you are giving up instead of trying to make it work (I could be wrong). Is it possible she is going through hormonal or depression problems due to the health problems of the child? Could you be more of a support for her at all? Try to make this work, instead of getting on message boards looking for a petite girl to have fun with???

[HappyChristian]

Bowyer...I am sorry for your situation, but have to say that your wife not meaning her vows doesn't change them, like Kita said. She made the vows, and they are solid in front of God and man. My suggestion would be for you to get some counseling from a godly man who can help you through the emotional time of this. And spend a lot of time in the Word and prayer...specifically praying that God will work a work in both your life and your wife's. God is in the miracle performing business, and He can change her so that she sees what she is throwing away.

[Guest Guest]

My main thought to mull over is that she admitted to me that she did not mean her vows and therefore since man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart, that it would not be a valid marriage--would be more like fornication in His eyes and that her "promise" was a lie--

"Matthew 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."

"2 Timothy 2:13 If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself."

Once we are saved, we are in Christ and part of him, he cannot deny himself even if we are unfaithful to him. In like manner, when two people are married, if one later "changes their mind" it doesn't change the vows of the other. The one who chooses to leave is in sin, but that doesn't mean the other person is single again. Otherwise Christ would not equal marrying again after divorce with adultery.

"Luke 16:18 Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery."

[Bowyer30]

ok, everyone listen.

1.) I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE--I would be the happiest man in the world--believe me--if she got her heart right with God and, like the prodigal, came back--so putting blame on me and saying that I WANT to have fun with someone else is not only untrue, but it is unfair.--THIS WHOLE SITUATION is not only maddening, but vexing--but, unlike Lot, I can't just leave the crumbling judgment...

2.) I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP. All I am basing this whole thread on is, by faith, knowing, after repeatedly asking her poisoned mind, are you 100% sure you are going to force me to sign papers even though I am 100% opposed to it, she has said yes...if there was a chance, then OF COURSE I would not pursue anyone else--I have FORSAKEN all others--I meant my vows...

3.) I need real constructive criticism not this pseudo-psychology...if I need to wait for her death before I pick myself up again, then I might as well wait for my own death too--especially since it is probably near--not by anything I have done, but simply by the way the world is shaping up, (Obama, McCain, etc.)

I should not fear being alone, for it would be only a short time anyway--is that it?

Go ahead, hit me again--while I'm down...

[HappyChristian]

ok, everyone listen.

1.) I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE--I would be the happiest man in the world--believe me--if she got her heart right with God and, like the prodigal, came back--so putting blame on me and saying that I WANT to have fun with someone else is not only untrue, but it is unfair.--THIS WHOLE SITUATION is not only maddening, but vexing--but, unlike Lot, I can't just leave the crumbling judgment...

2.) I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP. All I am basing this whole thread on is, by faith, knowing, after repeatedly asking her poisoned mind, are you 100% sure you are going to force me to sign papers even though I am 100% opposed to it, she has said yes...if there was a chance, then OF COURSE I would not pursue anyone else--I have FORSAKEN all others--I meant my vows...

3.) I need real constructive criticism not this pseudo-psychology...if I need to wait for her death before I pick myself up again, then I might as well wait for my own death too--especially since it is probably near--not by anything I have done, but simply by the way the world is shaping up, (Obama, McCain, etc.)

I should not fear being alone, for it would be only a short time anyway--is that it?

Go ahead, hit me again--while I'm down...

I'm sorry, I didn't know that following Biblical principles was pseudo-psychology! Real constructive criticism is that you get into the Bible and prayer more than you ever have. Now is not the time to be thinking of finding another wife. That would be the absolute worse thing you could do.

[Bowyer30]

"Now is not the time to be thinking of finding another wife. That would be the absolute worse thing you could do."




--was ANYONE REALLY LISTENING?

Did I SAY I was thinking of finding another wife???--let me educate you--I have zero friends---I know how these things work, so for something to happen over a period of years, I have to get started on it now--like planning for retirement--so NO, let me repeat, NO--I am not thinking about finding another wife--if you really want to think of it the way it really is, I am trying to invest time and personal information into a long-term solution to my wife, who may or may not even be saved, choosing to 1.) commit adultery, 2.) curse, 3.) drink, 4.) abandon her only child who is developmentally delayed...so PLEASE think before you respond--fold some more laundry, then get back with me.

[dwayner79]

It is so hard to convey compassion with text. The people here have it, well, most. I promise you I do, and I type this with as much grace and compassion that I know how to.

From what I can tell, you came here with a motive (to begin a friendship), and the folks who have posted have given a completely different view than yours. Your situation is tough, no doubt. And as one of the few who does NOT think marriage is not allowed after divorce, I still must say I think, from your post, that you are incorrect in your desires.

As humans, God created us to be relational. After being hurt, it's completely acceptable to pursue a relationship, but only in due time. It is desirable to pursue a friendship, and wisdom says that it's best to probably keep that friendship at friendship level. The easiest way to ensure your feelings do not grow is to find guy friends.

Let me be clear. Your desire for a companion is good. It is how God made us. That companionship *could* rightfully come from a person of either sex, but given the fragile nature of the situation, a man would be a better choice.

Here are a few reasons why. Let's say I am a woman and I responded to you, and we IM'ed each other for the next two weeks, and became the friends you have wanted. At the end of those weeks, your wife decides she is wrong, and wants to recreate your marriage. You could potentially have in improper relationship with another woman.

Let's also say that your wife does eventually leave you, and during this two-week relationship, I have been pouring my life into your story of love and desire for your wife to turn to you. What kind of strain would that put on our new friendship?

(ok, I'm getting weirded out by pretending to be a woman.)

The point is, friend, that we need to be mindful of how our actions will affect the people we have a relationship with (on any level). Instead of taking another woman into this mix of trouble, you should fulfill your (again good and justified) desires for companionship with Jesus and other Godly men. Those (godly men) are hard to find. If you're in CT, let me know. Otherwise, find a new group of people, perhaps in a new church of like faith, where you can pour yourself into those friendships while this thing with your wife plays out. Continue to beg God for restoration. If, after your divorce, and after (IMO) some Biblical counseling, you find yourself content in Christ, then begin to open your heart to the potential for another woman.

God bless you. I truly wish you the best.

[HappyChristian]

"Now is not the time to be thinking of finding another wife. That would be the absolute worse thing you could do."




--was ANYONE REALLY LISTENING?

Did I SAY I was thinking of finding another wife???--let me educate you--I have zero friends---I know how these things work, so for something to happen over a period of years, I have to get started on it now--like planning for retirement--so NO, let me repeat, NO--I am not thinking about finding another wife--if you really want to think of it the way it really is, I am trying to invest time and personal information into a long-term solution to my wife, who may or may not even be saved, choosing to 1.) commit adultery, 2.) curse, 3.) drink, 4.) abandon her only child who is developmentally delayed...so PLEASE think before you respond--fold some more laundry, then get back with me.

Y'know, your first post really indicated that you were looking for a date - maybe you were just trying to stir up trouble? Sorry that we misunderstood you so much. But I wonder if we did. Your last statement is pretty revealing and very rude.

[dwayner79]

Oh, and I wanted to add: I am so sorry for your daughter. Be mindful that any friendship you begin with a woman could eventually lead to her being your next wife, and potential step-mom. That is not a friendship I would want to even begin while your family is in flux. I pray your daughter, and your marriage, would be healed. God Bless.