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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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- 7 replies
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I just though this up this morning...
Last reply by Pathwalker, -
A Sure Bet
by Charbo- 2 replies
- 488 views
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E. R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead but his heart is still beating." "Oh, dear, what are we going to do?" cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before."
Last reply by KayceeLochner, -
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. 8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it! 9. The professor discovered that her theory about earthquakes was on shaky ground. 10. The dead batteries were given o…
Last reply by IM4given, -
- 1 reply
- 386 views
It was the last day of school and the kindergarten students all brought their teacher a gift. The florist's son brought his gift to the teacher. She smelled it and said, "I'll bet it some flowers". "That's right!" shouted the little boy. The Candy store owner's little girl brought her gift. The teacher said, "I think this is a box of candy." "That's right!" shouted the girl. The liquor store owner's son brought his gift, whereupon the teacher noticed that is was leaking. She put her finger to a droplet, tasted it and asked, "Is it wine?" "No." the boy said. "Is it champagne?" she asked as she tasted another droplet. "No." the boy answered. "What is i…
Last reply by speerjp1, -
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- Administrators
- 7 replies
- 631 views
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the …
Last reply by Ashlee, -
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- 2 replies
- 576 views
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Last reply by Ashlee, -
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- Administrators
- 1 reply
- 507 views
A guy at church told us this joke over lunch yesterday: Why couldn't the cannibal keep the charismatic missionary down? [spoiler]He kept throwing his hands up! :frog[/spoiler]
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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- 1 reply
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan …
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- Administrators
- 7 replies
- 681 views
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorit…
Last reply by IM4given, -
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- 5 replies
- 981 views
I found this on the ACA (Australian Christian Academy, our homeschooling 'school') forum: :lol:
Last reply by tired, -
Bill, Joe and Tom were hiking when they came to a raging white water river. Bill prayed, God, give me the strength to get across this river. Immediatly he could swim across, although it took him several hours. Joe saw this and prayed, God, give me the strength and tools to get across. Immediatly he found an canoe and rowed over, although it took two hours. Tom saw this and prayed, God, give me the strength, tools, and intelligence to get across this river. Immediatly he turned into a woman, read the map, walked upriver ten minutes, and crossed the bridge.
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- Administrators
- 3 replies
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Two snakes were slithering through the woods when one snake stops suddenly and asks the other, "Are we poisonous?" The other snake replies, "Why?" The first snakes says, "Because, I just bit my lip!"
Last reply by Ashlee, -
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- 3 replies
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Three Things to Ponder: 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments C O W S Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it ha…
Last reply by John81, -
A biker dies and goes to Hell. When he gets there, he looks around says, "Nice, it was always too cold on Earth, I think I'm going to like this!" Satan hears this, and he decides to show the biker who's boss. So he turns up the heat. He comes in the next day, and the biker is still enjoying the heat. So Satan turns up the heat again. This goes on for several days until Satan decides he will show him once and for all. So he turns off the heat. He comes in the next day, and the biker asks, "What, did the Cheifs win the Super Bowl?"
Last reply by Ashlee, -
- 5 replies
- 663 views
Mary Poppins visiting Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I woul…
Last reply by ZacharyW, -
- 3 replies
- 552 views
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city?s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ?Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don?t give a penny to charity. Wouldn?t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?? The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ?First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?? Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, ?Uh.…
Last reply by John81, -
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- Administrators
- 3 replies
- 632 views
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? (Nacho Cheese). What do you call Santa's helpers? (Subordinate Clauses). What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? (Quatro sinko). What do you get from a pampered cow? (Spoiled milk). What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? (A pool table). What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? (A nervous wreck). Where do you find a dog with no legs? (Right where you left him). Why do gorillas have big nostrils? (Because they have big fingers). What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? (A dog that runs for help...after it bites…
Last reply by Kayla, -
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Multiple Storms A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain. "Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student. "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor." replied the student. "Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?" The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms,…
Last reply by Marcus2Israel, -
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- Administrators
- 2 replies
- 455 views
*Husband's Check* Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time. When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford Strothers."
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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- 3 replies
- 676 views
This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count. When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out. When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones…
Last reply by jchahl, -
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- Administrators
- 14 replies
- 1.2k views
2 Oklahoma blondes were sitting on a bench. One turns and asks, "which is farther away, Florida or the moon?". The other replies, :Helllllooooo, can you see Florida?" :Green
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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- Administrators
- 10 replies
- 986 views
: How to use Your IRS Rebate check... : : As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to : stimulate the economy, but how do we use it to support America??? : If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. : If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. : If we purchase a computer it will go to India. : If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Honduras and : Guatemala. : If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. : If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan. : .and none of it will help the American economy. : We need to keep that money here in America!! : The only way to keep that m…
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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- 1 reply
- 491 views
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were on the thousand steps to heaven. And on each step you were asked a joke. If you laughed, you weren't allowed into Heaven. So on the 356th step the brunette laughed, and didn't get in. On the 617th step, the redhead laughs. And on the 999th step, the blonde starts laughing. The saint at the gates asks her why she is laughing, she is so close, and the blonde replies "I just got the first joke!" :blonde:
Last reply by Marcus2Israel, -
Terrorists
by Anon- 1 reply
- 402 views
This was pretty good!!! This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers. Who knew it would come to this. It's getting ugly.
Last reply by Ashlee,
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I would cite Matthew 18:15-17, Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matt.18.15,Matt.18.16,Matt.18.17&version=KJV best regards, Oldtyme -
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By BrotherTony · Posted
My niece sent me a text yesterday telling me that my father had asked for her pastor to come out to the house to talk to him about eternity. He admitted that he was a sinner and needed the Lord, and he asked the Lord to save him. Praise the Lord for answered prayers. -
By BrotherTony · Posted
Yes, I have a pastor friend in the Independence, MO area that spoke against this often. I've got an aunt and uncle in O'Fallon, MO who could be on either side of the issue. -
The country seems to be going in a positive direction, sadly in Missouri we allowed amendment three to be passed.
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