Courtship/Arranged Marriages

[Kayla]

"In Japan, there is a type of courtship called Omiai. Parents will hire a matchmaker to provide pictures and r

[tired]

I would hate that. I relied on God to supply my spouse. God gave me my wife. I guess God could supply the right spouse in this system, God could do anything.

Proverbs 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD

I might be taking this out of context but this verse poppped in my head when I read the post. It didn't say whoso is supplied a wife. I might be nitpicking.

[Marcus2Israel]

I uhh... Would not like this. Humans are quite fallible and i'd rather leave it to God to bring me my spouse. If it was up to some matchmaker that person better be pretty in tune with God.

[Kayla]

In the Bible though, Isaac didn't find his own wife she was found for him. And she was the Lord's will, Isaac is one of the only ones in Genesis that didn't have more than one wife.

[Guest Guest]

I don't like the idea of the matchmaking thing, but there is nothing wrong with the parental involvement (it's a GOOD thing) or the being asked to make a decision early on. My husband and I didn't even start "dating" until we knew we wanted to be married...my husband didn't think it right to do otherwise. God used really weird circumstances to bring us together.

[Kayla]

Orthodox Jews has only a 5% divorce rate, and most of their marriages are arranged what does that say for arranged marriages?

29-35% of Baptists have been divorced.

I don't know if arranged marriages are why but it sure doesn't say that they are a hindrance.

[Marcus2Israel]

Orthodox Jews has only a 5% divorce rate, and most of their marriages are arranged what does that say for arranged marriages?

29-35% of Baptists have been divorced.

I don't know if arranged marriages are why but it sure doesn't say that they are a hindrance.

It could have to do with the religion...

[Evan57]

Don't you think it is okay for parents choose the mate for their kid?
I know most believers depend on God to find the right mate. That is great. Sometimes God guides parents to pick the right mate for their kid. It would come out wonderful marriage.

This is from the yahoo answer by Sabrina. This is interesting:

An arranged marriage is a marriage that is at some level arranged by someone other than those being married. Such marriages are common in the Middle East and parts of Africa and Asia. Other groups that practice this custom include the Unification Movement and royal families.
Types of arranged marriages
An arranged marriage involves the parents of the married couple to varying degrees:

In a forced marriage, the parents choose the child's future spouse with little or no input from the child. In this rare form of arranged marriage, if the child refuses the choice, he or she may be disowned or punished (in rare cases, killed). In most such cases, the marriage simply takes place anyway, overriding the child's objections. Motivating factors for such a marriage tend to be social or economic, i.e., the interests of the family or community that are served by the marriage are seen as paramount, and the will of the individual is insignificant.
In a traditional arranged marriage (not forced), the parents again choose the child's future spouse with little or no input from the child. If the child refuses the choice, the parents tend to respect the child's wishes and choose another possible spouse. However, considerable emotional pressure may be brought to bear to make the child "see reason". The main motivating factor in such marriages is the happiness of the child, but viewed from a paternalistic/maternalistic angle ("Parents know best").
In a modern arranged marriage, the involvement of the child is considerably more. Parents choose several possible mates for the child, sometimes with the help of the child (who may indicate which photos/biographies he or she likes, for example). The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, and the two children will often have a short unsupervised meeting (an hour long walk around the neighborhood together, for example). The children will then eventually choose who they wish to marry (if anyone), although parents may exert varying degrees of pressure on the child to make a certain choice of which they approve. The happiness of the child is the main concern, and the parents see their role as responsible facilitators and well-wishers.
A modern arranged marriage with courtship is the same as the above, except that the children have a chance to get to know each other over a longer period of time via e-mail, phone, or multiple in-person meetings, before making a decision. It takes considerably more courage on the part of the parents (as well as the children) to go through this process. Some girls actually prefer a short (or no) courtship as they fear the stigma and emotional trauma of being rejected after a courtship.
Finally, in an introduction only arranged marriage, the parents will introduce their child to a potential spouse (that they found through a personal recommendation or a website, et cetera). The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on, it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice based on whatever factors they want, love or otherwise.
In almost all of the above cases, except the forced marriage and occasionally the traditional arranged marriage, the child is free to ignore the process and find a mate on their own. The parents then tend to take over and handle the logistical and financial aspects of the union.

In many cultures that are modernising, children increasingly tend to view arranged marriage as an option they can fall back on if they are unable or unwilling to spend the time and effort necessary to find a spouse on their own. The parents then become welcome partners in the child's mate hunt. In cultures where dating, singles' bars, etc., are not prevalent, arranged marriages perform a similar function--bringing together people who might otherwise not have met.

Sometimes, the term "arranged marriage" is used even if the parents have no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. This could mean a meeting through a matchmaking site or third party.

In India, "Love marriages" are sometimes called "Self-arranged marriages", perhaps to avoid some of the negative opinions that are still held against young people choosing their own partners.

"Marriage of convenience" is a term sometimes applied if a couple decides to marry primarily for reasons other than love. This term might be applied to an arranged marriage, but does not necessarily imply an arranged marriage. The term carries negative connotations and would not usually be used to describe one's own marriage.

Arranged marriage custom
In many cultures, arranged marriage is a handed down tradition. Parents who take their son or daughter's marriage into their own hands, have almost always had this happen to them. For some parents there is pressure from the community to conform and in certain cultures, a "love marriage" or even a relationship is considered a failure on the part of the parents to keep control over their child. Children are brought up to have a stronger emphasis on family and their future instead of love [1].

For some, it is fear of what the community - social and/or religious will think if their child is not married, often by a certain age. In some cultures, the son or daughter are deemed less likely to find a suitable partner if they are past a certain age, and it is considered folly to try to marry them off at that stage.

The religious and spiritual aspect of arranged marriage can play a large role in finding a "suitable" spouse. Numerology (Horoscopes) are often used in Indian culture to predict the fruitfulness of a particular match. This can sometimes be expressed in a percentage, ie a 70% match.

Caste can play a large role in Indian marriages, as well as salary, education level and social standing (often related to caste). Often high castes only marry high castes. One reason for Indian parents opting for an Indian arranged marriage, rather than a marriage of mixed races is that the caste cannot be found out or simply does not exist in that culture/country. This ambiguity can create a "fear of the unknown" and so an arranged marriage may be insisted upon.

In Indian culture, Doctors, Accountants, Lawyers and Engineers/Scientists are traditionally valued highly as excellent spouse material, although increasingly salary is becoming more important.

What do you think?


Evan57

[Kayla]

What is your point, Evan?
Are you trying to make a point?

[SimplyComplex]

I don't really care for the idea of arranged marriage, but I don't know that I can say its totally wrong... not a good idea, and its a very foolish parent that doesn't care what his child thing, but if you've been married by that means, thats now your spouse and you need to make the best of it. Thats where the command "Husbands, love your wives" and "that the older women, teach the younger women to love their husbands" because you CAN learn to love... remember this song?

[Evan57]

Hi,

I do not find any scripture about parents chose the mate for their kid except Abraham sent his servant to find the woman for Isaac. The Lord led Abraham's servant to find the woman for Isaac is Rebekah and brought her to Isaac.

It is interesting parents chose mate for their kids in the different countries. That is their custom. Some kids do not agree with parents' choice but they have to live with it in their custom in their countries.

The best way for kids is to find the right mate thru the Lord's help and have them meet their parents for approval before they can get marry. Don't you agree?

Evan57

[Kayla]

I think you are letting your culture prevent you from being open to the idea.

Although the Bible never clearly states arranged marriage as the only way, it certainly is a biblical model. Dating and/or courtship is totally absent from the scriptures. Sometimes I think we shut off the idea saying that it was ok in another day and age, but seriously look at the scriptures.

I met a man last year at our church from India, and he said something that intrigued me. "Americans spoil all the fun by all the dating before hand, i've been dating since I got married and I love it, everyday is a new experience with my wife."

Notice that in the Bible the woman hardly ever has a place in the choosing of her mate in the Bible it almost always has male authorities in her life giving her to him.

God gave Eve to Adam.

Bethuel gave Rebekah to Isaac
Genesis 24:50-51 Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceedeth from the LORD: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good.
Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the LORD hath spoken.

Laban gave Rachel and Leah to Jacob (Genesis 29)

Jethro gave Zipporah to Moses
Exodus 2:21 And Moses was content to dwell with the man: and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter.

Caleb gave Achsah to Othniel
Joshua 15:16-17 And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife.

In the Bible in the New Testament when Jesus is speaking it always says marry, and given in marriage. I think that is talking about how a man marries but a woman is given in marriage therefore speaking of her father making the final decision therefore arranging the marriage.

Such like the following scriptures:
Matthew 22:30 For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.
Matthew 24:38 For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark,
Luke 20:34 And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage:

Anyway my point is that although it does not clearly outline in the Bible this is the way you should do it much like how many times a church should do the Lord's Supper. I do not think that we can say that it is unbiblical nor should we condone others who use the practice of arranged marriage. Another question, Evan do you know anyone that is in an arranged marriage? Have they personally told you that they are unhappy with their spouse? All the people I know in arranged marriages are in love with the spouse God has given them and are very happy.

On the other hand I do believe that relationships headed toward marriage (And yes I do believe you should only date/court someone if you intend to marry them in the end) is a picture of the Lord Jesus Christ and the church. Some dating philosophies say that this is where courtship comes into play like Christ woos a person to come into the family of God. I don't know that you could clearly draw that from the scriptures but that is what I have heard.

I do know as an indecisive woman(yes, I admit it) I do not want to be the one to make the ultimate decision of marriage. The man will have to ask my father and my pastor(my dad doesn't really go to church so my pastor is the spiritual leader in my life). And if they disapprove of the man I will not marry him. I think it is time for Christian fathers in America to step up and take their roles of leadership so many of my girlfriends who have Christian fathers say that their dad says they can date whoever they chose.

For a young lady, it is hard for us to see a young man for who he is because we aren't men. It is quite easy for us to see how women could throw up a red flag but as far as men go we are clueless to the little signs. Where as men think more logically, women work off their emotions. Therefore a woman should not date a man who the spiritual male leader(my pastor in my case) disapproves of...unless she is 99.9% sure that he is God's will. And that her spiritual leader is out of the will of God, other than that she should leave it alone at least for the time being.

[John81]

Like most things, an arranged marriage can be a blessing or a curse. If the marriage is arranged by godly parents following the leading of the Lord then such would be a great blessing. Marriages arranged otherwise could go either way.

I absolutely am against the modern concept of "dating" where teens and others are encouraged to date a lot of different people over the course of years. Naturally, much of this dating leads to improper sexual relations with multiple partners. None of this is biblical.

Courtship or properly arranged marriage would likely be the best.

Too often we want to rush ahead of God in this matter. How many Christians have prayed for a good person to marry and then quickly believe their next "date" is that one and rush to pursue marriage without truly putting it in God's hands and awaiting His answer?

Help from godly parents, pastor's and/or mature Christians is something many need while being overwhelmed by emotions in this matter.

[Guest Guest]

I agree with John.

I came up in the world, lost, and living in accordance to the world's systems. I went through the dating system. Talking to a lot of people who have been saved at a young age and have godly parents, along with good Biblical teaching at their church; has allowed me to 'see' the other side.

I have enjoyed the remarks and comments in this thread. I am also concerned for my daughter and her outlook when she gets older [MUCH older].

Arranging a marriage is really a whopper of a thought. Setting up someone is something that really needs to be left in the hands of the Lord. There's only so much one can know about someone else. Even if it is a lifelong friendship, you only know what you've been around. What people do at home is their character. I myself would be very reluctant to recommend any one for a marriage.

I do believe parental and pastoral consideration should be taken very seriously by young believers. But, there again, we can really know only so much about others..

{did any of that make sense?} :puzzled:

[Samer]

I believe if somebody is mature enough to be married, that person ought to be spiritually mature enough to seek and follow the Lord's will in marriage, and to honour their parents in doing so.