Over the last few months before Jim had his surgery - in my grief now - I had forgotten. In Jim's prayers, that I heard, he often dwelled on his home in heaven and distinguished it from his home in heaven and his home on earth. To most people that may not mean anything, but for me, it told a lot. He had never really done that before a few months ago.
Now that he is not waking up, the doctors have their reasons why. His brain is severely damaged by the stroke. If he did wake up it is likely that he wouldn’t be able to see, speak, feed himself, or breathe on his own. He has also developed an infection (Pneumonia) in his lungs. But I think there is an added reason - he doesn't want to wake up. He really has nothing to look forward to, he hated what the neuropathy was doing to him and it was getting worse, to the point that at some point he wouldn't have been able to do anything but sit in his chair and wait to die, which he felt he was already doing.
I really think he was ready to go months ago, long before he knew about his heart problem. Even though he did have great hope that he would recover from his surgery and feel better and have more energy. I also feel he was torn between the desire to die and leaving me a widow. But there is also that he felt trapped in his body.
So I have decided that I will let him die peacefully. I think he has a few more days before he has to have the stomach feeding portal installed. I have told them not to. It will also be at that time I will have them remove his ventilator so he can pass peacefully. There really is no hope he will recover, but even if there was - recover to what? To continue his neuropathy deterioration? I really think he doesn't want that, and is one reason he hasn't woke up.
I am sorry, so very sorry. Not just for me, but for him, his family, and his close friends. I don't know the exact date they will do this, but it will happen soon. I will go and see him one last time tomorrow and say my goodbyes. I cannot bear to watch him die. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But he would not want to live like this, and I am abiding by his wishes. Please know, my heart goes out to you.
Linda, his wife