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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pu…
Last reply by 88keys, -
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- 4 replies
- 737 views
Never squat with yer spurs on. There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. Never drop your gun to…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
Eight Iron
by Charbo- 0 replies
- 503 views
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 3 replies
- 748 views
Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me." Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too." So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?" Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody."
Last reply by 1John2:15-17, -
- 16 replies
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Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why. Rule 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. A 50 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organization. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3…
Last reply by kevinmiller, -
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- 490 views
A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!" His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that…
Last reply by Charbo, -
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- 444 views
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing." 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more. 3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake 4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech. 5…
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 1 reply
- 685 views
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the government. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
- 2 replies
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Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, - "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, - "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, - "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, - "How ar…
Last reply by Truthseeking, -
- 0 replies
- 531 views
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible. When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was. I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 4 replies
- 879 views
I already have it.......................... AAADD KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ! Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the t…
Last reply by anime4christ, -
- 1 reply
- 735 views
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?" His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Last reply by John81, -
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 0 replies
- 476 views
Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer. Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?" The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you do…
Last reply by Charbo, -
One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young blonde sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 2 replies
- 703 views
A friend sent me this::::::::: While attending to a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.…
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 3 replies
- 590 views
Three Chimps Met Three Chimps met to talk one day, About politics in the USA. The issues that were clear to see, Had made it to their jungle tree. Said one Chimp to his monkey Mama, ?They?ve elected one they call Obama, And the reason we?re all in a fuss, Is because he says they came from us! We must come up with a solution, To denounce his claims of evolution. They?ve all gone crazy, man, woman, and child, And they say that WE are the one?s that?s wild! No manly monk would choose the fate, Of having another MAN monk as his mate. For God has always destroyed the nation, That chose to practice that abomination! Has no one dared stepped forth to warn…
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- 478 views
I get some of the late night jokes sent to my inbox. Most are stupid, some are really funny... Jay Leno: Conan O'Brien:
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
- 2 replies
- 561 views
Although Bud had never been bird hunting before he agreed to go with his friend Bill. As they were riding out to a remote pasture on horseback following the bird dogs, Bud asked Bill if it was ok to shoot off the horse. Bill replied "Sure you can shoot off the horse." As soon as they entered the pasture the dogs ran up a covey of quail. Still on the horse Bud quickly took aim and fired. The horse immediately bucked him to the ground and ran off. Bud got up and yelled at Bill "I thought you said I could shoot off the horse." "I did say that" said Bill,"but you stayed ON the horse to shoot."
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At the beginnig of the lunch line there was a plate of apples with a sign that read "Just take one, GOD is watching." Near the end of the line there was a plate of cookies with a small sign that was in a childs handwriting that read"Take all you want, GOD's watching the apples." The second grade teacher started off the day's science clas by asking the kids if any one knew anything about whales. Little Suzy raised her hand and said "I know Jonah was swallowed by a whale." The teacher replied"Suzy, science has proven that a whale cannot swallow a man, it is impossible' Suzy said"Well when I get to Heaven I am going to ask Jonah myself" The teacher asked "What if…
Last reply by daddyof2, -
25. Child Proof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Military intelligence 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Government help 1. Microsoft Works
Last reply by anime4christ, -
- 1 reply
- 512 views
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks, "Do you have any turkey?" The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it onthe weighing scales. It weighs six pounds. The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you haveone that's a bit bigger than this one, please?" The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scales now show eight pounds "That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"
Last reply by John81, -
- 1 reply
- 571 views
Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop." Customer: "Ok." Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Last reply by John81, -
- 1 reply
- 663 views
A nervous postman on his first round walked up to a garden fence. There was a large Doberman lying on the grass. An old man was sitting on the patio. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the postman asked. The old man replied, "No, he never has done." So the opened the gate and went into the garden. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the old man dragged the dog off, the postman yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man replied, "He's not my dog!"
Last reply by John81, -
- 1 reply
- 532 views
A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh. At the check-in, he said to the operator, "Now I want you to send my black case to London and my blue case to Amsterdam." The check-in operator replied, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that!" "Oh really," said the student, "that's what you did the last time I flew with you!"
Last reply by John81,
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The country seems to be going in a positive direction, sadly in Missouri we allowed amendment three to be passed.
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I complete agree brother, we younger people are taught as you said that we are the descendants of primates, we are then taught that as you’ve mentioned about the new view of the Bible, that our religion is wrong and backward, a very sad thing in todays education. I hear it even from teachers and peers who would profess to be Christians.
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By BrotherTony · Posted
It's strange how the Bible was held in such high esteem then, but that after this trial, not so very far from where I live today, the Bible is no longer welcomed into the classroom, and we are now considered to be the proginy of monkeys. It's so very sad. -
Hello brothers and sisters, I was recently given the assignment of writing a paper on the infamous Scopes V. Tennessee trial. I found it quite interesting how the defense attorney, Clarence Darrow, had no genuine argument or examination of the evidence itself. He instead called the prosecuting attorney, Mr. William Jennings Bryan, as a sole witness and ridiculed his faith, interpretation of the Bible, and his view of the creation account. I find this very thought provoking. best regards, Oldtyme (edits have been made for clarity and grammar purposes.)
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