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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times!
949 topics in this forum
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."
Last reply by Ashlee, -
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It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from their night out. Alice was feeling romantic. "Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?" she crooned. "Why not?" Al replied. "Didn't I love you through four other shades?"
Last reply by Charbo, -
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"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder." "You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!" "I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...." "I used to be as sharp as a button." "That way I can kill two bricks with one stone." "If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave." "You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots." In the words and inimitable style of William Safire from his book, Fumble Rules:::::::::: "It's important that we take the bull by the hand and not mix our metaphors." :lol:
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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One day, an athiest was walking through the forest thinking to himself how awesome it was how all the different trees and plants and animals had evolved to what they were. Pretty soon he came to a stream and thought how amazing it was that all those fish had started out as single-celled ameoba (sp?) and how that stream had carved out the rock and dirt and clay over billions of years and just then something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. It was a bear!! The athiest turned and started to run (of course drawing the attention of the grizzly) and tripped and rolled down the hill stopping next to the stream. When he rolled over, the giant beast pinned…
Last reply by futurehope, -
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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor sai…
Last reply by futurehope, -
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did u hear the joke about the broken drum? u cant beat it. what do u call a guy who sticks his right arm into a lions mouth?..........lefty. add on if u want
Last reply by Angelmiss49, -
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here…
Last reply by joyfulpraise93, -
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Miss Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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You have to be old enough to rememberAbbott and Costello and too old to REALLYunderstand computers to fully appreciatethis. For those of us who sometimes getflustered by our computers, please readon... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alivetoday, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. …
Last reply by bmbensch, -
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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Common Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always easy or fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable Parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in pl…
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients." The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want." The third fol…
Last reply by bzmomo7, -
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Touching Story of Love and Marriage A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favo…
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, he returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly and then asked, "All right buddy, what…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now, John, tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" John thought for just a moment and answered, "Mom...."
Last reply by Charbo, -
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A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week. "Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for the lesson, I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark." The following week at the beginning of the class, the teacher said, "Now all who have prepared for today?s lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please come to the front." Half the class stood up and came forward. "The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk speak to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark!"
Last reply by Ashlee, -
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Thou hast just received the Amish Virus. As we haveth no technology nor programming experience, this virus worketh on the honour system. Please delete all the files from thy hard drive and manually forward this virus to all on thy mailing list. We thank thee for thy cooperation. ? The Amish Computer Engineering Dept. http://www.duke.edu/~charlie/AmishVirus.html You might like to see the Amish web site. http://www.geocities.com/ResearchTriang ... /amish.htm
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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I received this email yesterday and I thought I would pass the humor around! Kids Are Quick ______________________________ TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ______________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. _______________________…
Last reply by KayceeLochner, -
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> You may think this is funny or crazy, but it is so true.... > > > The ant and the grasshopper > This one is a little different...Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals! > > OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. > > The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. > > The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. > > MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! > > ---------------------- --------…
Last reply by OLD fashioned preacher, -
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... when a trip to the dump means you might get some new furniture. ... when you know what a chigger is. ... when your next-door neighbor lives a mile down the road. ... when the nearest big aquarium is stocked with bait. ... when you consider duct tape and WD-40 to be among the fundamental components holding the universe together. ... when you can hear the neighbor's truck two miles down the road. ... when you keep a grease jar on the stove. ... when today's dinner was strolling around the yard yesterday morning. ... when the biggest thing you ever won was a 50 pound sack of manure.
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring …
Last reply by John81, -
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In the book Let's Laugh A Little by Leroy Brownlow on page 90, Brownlow says the following: "A boy who was all banged up went into a boy scout meeting. The scoutmaster looked at him and inquired, "What happened to you?" He replied , "I was helping an old lady across the street." "But why did you get hurt?" "She didn't want to go," answered the boy. It is hard to help people who don't want to be helped."
Last reply by Brytanleroy, -
A guys calls his girlfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I just can't figure out how to get it started." His girlfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" The guy says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." His girlfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. He lets her in and shows her where he has the puzzle spread all over the table. She studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." She held his hand and said,…
Last reply by Brytanleroy, -
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," he said, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," the man replied. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" the …
Last reply by IM4given, -
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The Moped An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?' The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!' 'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pre…
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "…
Last reply by IM4given,
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The country seems to be going in a positive direction, sadly in Missouri we allowed amendment three to be passed.
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I complete agree brother, we younger people are taught as you said that we are the descendants of primates, we are then taught that as you’ve mentioned about the new view of the Bible, that our religion is wrong and backward, a very sad thing in todays education. I hear it even from teachers and peers who would profess to be Christians.
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By BrotherTony · Posted
It's strange how the Bible was held in such high esteem then, but that after this trial, not so very far from where I live today, the Bible is no longer welcomed into the classroom, and we are now considered to be the proginy of monkeys. It's so very sad. -
Hello brothers and sisters, I was recently given the assignment of writing a paper on the infamous Scopes V. Tennessee trial. I found it quite interesting how the defense attorney, Clarence Darrow, had no genuine argument or examination of the evidence itself. He instead called the prosecuting attorney, Mr. William Jennings Bryan, as a sole witness and ridiculed his faith, interpretation of the Bible, and his view of the creation account. I find this very thought provoking. best regards, Oldtyme (edits have been made for clarity and grammar purposes.)
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