Short Ones

[SGO]

 

 

Short Ones

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

2. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

3. I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

4. Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? She took a day off.

5. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

6. What do you call a magician who lost his magic? Ian.

7. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I am OK.

8. I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He told me they all look that way and I should have left it in the garden.

9. Two men are on opposite sides of the river. The first man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?” The other man yells, “You are on the other side of the river!”

10. Every morning, I announce that I’m going running, but then I don’t. It’s a running joke.

11. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.

 

Thanks to Reader's Digest

 

Edited March 23 by SGO

[SGO]

1. My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

 

2 . I know they say money talks, but all mine says is “goodbye.”

 

3. I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus. And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

 

4. Do I know any jokes about sodium? Na.

 

5. 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, flat.

 

6. The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

 

7. A termite walks into a bar. He says, “So, is the bar tender here?”

8. What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner’s on me.

 

9. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

 

10. Who built King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

 

11. Our computers went down at the office today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me 15 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

 

12. Why don’t comedians tell unemployment jokes? None of them work.

 

 

Edited April 2 by SGO

[SGO]

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle

and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

 

 

Attire.

[SGO]

Why did the elderly man fall into the well?

 

He couldn't see that well.

 

 

An airplane crashed and every single person died.

Who survived?

 

 

Married couples.

 

 

Researchers at Stanford University, working under a government funded grant,

have discovered the leading cause of dry skin.

 

 

Towels.

Edited April 16 by SGO

[SGO]

A sandwich tried to get a reservation at a restaurant, but the waiter said they don’t serve food there.

 

 

There are three types of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

 

 

He was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, he turned himself around.

 

 

I finished the puzzle in six months, even though the box said it would take 4 to 5 years.

 

 

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can…

 

 

It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.

 

 

 

[SGO]

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

 

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

 

What do sprinters eat before a race?

 

Nothing. They fast.

 

 

Did you hear about the alligator that became a private eye?

 

It was an investigator.

[SGO]

What did the grape do when someone sat on it?

 

It gave out a little whine.

 

 

What do you call people who really like tractors?

 

Protractors.

 

 

A rancher had 97 cows in his field.

 

When he rounded them up, he had a hundred!

 

 

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

 

They were watch dogs.

[SGO]

What is made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

 

A shoe.

 

 

 

 

How do you turn soup into gold?

 

Add 24 carrots.

 

 

 

 

What is white and ruins your dinner?

 

An avalanche.