DEBATE: Helping kids with chores

[Danny Carlton]

My wife and I have a debate.

She says we should "work with" the kids to "show" them how to do chores.

I say "working with" inevitably turns into "doing for" and simply teaches them that someone else will cover for them. They should do it on their own, with no help.

We're talking about kids 9 or 10 and older doing usual household chores like dishes, laundry and picking up rooms.

[John81]

Initially, working with the kids in order to demonstrate and teach them how to do the chores is fine but once they are capable of doing them on their own they should do so.

[HappyChristian]

Danny, I agree with both you and your wife. Children do need to have chores demonstrated for them. And they need parents to, initially, work with them for a while, easing into more of a supervisory role as the kids take over more of the actual work. Then, once the children are responsible for the chore, the parent simply needs to check to make sure the work is being done accurately and on time ("don't expect what you don't inspect" Dr. Dayton Hobbs).

By the time children are 9, 10 and older, there are certain jobs that they should be able to do alone. But, if the time hasn't been taken to properly instruct, they won't be able to do the job in a pleasing way, so chores could become a real bone of contention between child and parent.

There are many people (usually men, but a lot of women fall into this categoy) who think (whether subconsciously or not) that a child should automatically be able to do the same job an adult can do - with the same quality. That just isn't so. They need instruction, and, yes, in some cases, side by side work with an adult. Examples of jobs that would be good for adults to do with kids: cooking - what a wonderful time for moms and daughters (and sons...I spent some time with my son; after all, not all men marry, and some married men are the primary cooks) to bond! gardening - how grand for mom or dad, or both, to take the kids to the garden and work together, knowing that they are all contributing to future food! cleaning - spring cleaning could be done together - put on some music, open the windows, and go to town having a blast getting rid of all that dirt. Then, order pizza and veg out together at the end of the productive day.

Most definitely, there are chores kids should do alone. But they need to be taught first. And sometimes that means working side by side with them. So, you're both right. Now you just need to work out when you both agree that the child is ready to do the job alone (but remember to inspect...no child will do a job consistently and consisitently well if no-one's checking on them!). :cool

[Anon]

Picking up should usually be an easy job.... my husband tells our kids to pick up toys and clean up, and if its not done right the first time, he sends them back in, telling them specifically what needs to be done correctly. Vacuuming is another job that is easy once they are shown....just watch them and correct any mistakes.

More difficult jobs like washing dishes or laundry or sweeping should be shown (my boys can't sweep without making the floor worse than it started! haha) but after a few times, most kids have it down and can do it alone. As HC said, "inspect what you expect" but you shouldn't have to constantly babysit them. It kinda takes away the purpose of having kids pitch in with the housework!

When I was little, my mom or grandma would sit in my room and say "Ok NOW pick up all the dolls. Very good. NOW pick up all the legos. Good. NOW...." and I feel it just aided my laziness and unwillingness to take the initiative to do it on my own.

I'm not a pro on housework....I could probably have my kids doing more...but I don't think the "training period"' in any job should last more than a time or two, unless its a more complex job like dusting or scrubbing the bathroom.

Oh and age plays a big part too...My oldest is 8 and he can vaccum by himself and clean pretty much all toys and stuff like that. He also does the trash. He is clumsy so we haven't worked real hard on other chores. But the ones he can do, we send him to do on his own, and just check when he is done.

And finally I say...let dad have his way. LOL.

[futurehope]

Seems as I agree with the rest as to the simply fact that once they have been taught and made to demonstrate that they can complete the job by themself, they should be expected to and the parent should enforce that. I also agree that there are times that it is good to work together as a family, but for everyday chores - make them mind and teach them that they have to fulfill their responsibilities.

God Bless,

Futurehope

[Annie]

Good posting, HC and Kita. May you soon enjoy a clean and happy home, Mr. Carlton!

[deafnva77]

teaching them about teamwork is good if you thinking about cleaning out the garage or yardwork (that is, one boy mow the front, the other mow the back and you mow the side.... or one do the mowing, one do the trimming, and one do the weeding) , Teamwork do help. Although I don't think it is safe for them to use heavy and dangerous machines at that age but just giving you an example.

But a simply chore that they easily do byself, I think they can handle it without your help.

btw, it doesn't help when you tell your kids to just "clean your room"

They do much better if you give them step by step instructions... like "put the clothes in the laundry basket"

or when laundry time, ask them to put light clothes in one pile. Instead of asking them to do the laundry.

I do this with my son, and now he is a neat person who keep his room organized.. and he is 7 years old.

[JerryNumbers]

In Air Force Basic Training, it sure was tough on those boys whose father and mother had not taught them the responsibly of doing things for their self, our TI seemed to love to holler at them at the top of his voice.

My father and mother did not load me up heavy with chores, but they did teach me that when I was told to do something that they expected me to do it on my own without having to be told the 2nd time. One thing I was to do, always put my dirty clothes were they belong and that was not in the bathroom floor and clean up the bathroom after I took a bath. And not to have clothes scattered all over my room. 2 jobs that I did not care about, slopping the hogs and checking on the cows, but I did them.

I might add though, ever summer after I was 13 years of age, I generally had a summer time job, but even having that job did not give me an excuse to leave my chores undone, father made that very clear to me. I recall to that mother did not want her baby to have a job with him so young, that I needed to wait a few years before I got a job. Father talked to me about this, told me mother's concerns and wanted me to know that it was not expected out of me. I explained to father, "I woudl love to have my own money to buy a few things that I wanted, that I really wanted the job." He went back and talked to mother them came back and told me, "You can have the job if you really want it. your mother is still against it." I happily went to work helping a crew build chicken houses that summer. I believe I made 25 cents per hour, at the end of summer when I had to stop I felt like I was rich. After that summer I worked all summer long while in high school. Soon as high school was out I got myself a job and worked there till Christmas of 65, I quite them for I was going in the Air Force after the 1st of the new year.

Mothers are not fit to raise boy by their self, boys needs that father very bad. Same thing goes for girls too.

[John81]

In Air Force Basic Training, it sure was tough on those boys whose father and mother had not taught them the responsibly of doing things for their self, our TI seemed to love to holler at them at the top of his voice.

My father and mother did not load me up heavy with chores, but they did teach me that when I was told to do something that they expected me to do it on my own without having to be told the 2nd time. One thing I was to do, always put my dirty clothes were they belong and that was not in the bathroom floor and clean up the bathroom after I took a bath. And not to have clothes scattered all over my room. 2 jobs that I did not care about, slopping the hogs and checking on the cows, but I did them.

I might add though, ever summer after I was 13 years of age, I generally had a summer time job, but even having that job did not give me an excuse to leave my chores undone, father made that very clear to me. I recall to that mother did not want her baby to have a job with him so young, that I needed to wait a few years before I got a job. Father talked to me about this, told me mother's concerns and wanted me to know that it was not expected out of me. I explained to father, "I woudl love to have my own money to buy a few things that I wanted, that I really wanted the job." He went back and talked to mother them came back and told me, "You can have the job if you really want it. your mother is still against it." I happily went to work helping a crew build chicken houses that summer. I believe I made 25 cents per hour, at the end of summer when I had to stop I felt like I was rich. After that summer I worked all summer long while in high school. Soon as high school was out I got myself a job and worked there till Christmas of 65, I quite them for I was going in the Air Force after the 1st of the new year.

Mothers are not fit to raise boy by their self, boys needs that father very bad. Same thing goes for girls too.

I had very similar experiences, mine were just shy of a couple decades later than yours.

[Bakershalfdozen]

My wife and I have a debate.

She says we should "work with" the kids to "show" them how to do chores.

I say "working with" inevitably turns into "doing for" and simply teaches them that someone else will cover for them. They should do it on their own, with no help.

We're talking about kids 9 or 10 and older doing usual household chores like dishes, laundry and picking up rooms.

I try to make chores a family affair. Let's say it is time to clean the bathroom. I might say something like...

J - you empty the trash and take the dirty laundry downstairs.
D - you clean the mirror, counters and toilet.
I will scrub the tub/shower. The two youngest are gophers for the cleaning supplies, towels etc. M might sweep for me and then D will want to mop automatically. She enjoys cleaning. Weird child!

Anyhoo, when everyone works together the job gets done faster and the child doesn't feel overwhelmed with what might look like a monumental task to them. Perception changes with age. As they get older, they can have more responsibility. Also, you should be able to get to a point where, if necessary, a child can do a big chore by themselves.

[pneu-engine]

:thumb That's the way we did it.

Chore time IS a family affair. There is no getting around it. Children feel a wonderful bond with their parents when those parents help and show by example how each chore is performed.

[pneu-engine]

My wife and I have a debate.

She says we should "work with" the kids to "show" them how to do chores.

I say "working with" inevitably turns into "doing for" and simply teaches them that someone else will cover for them. They should do it on their own, with no help.

We're talking about kids 9 or 10 and older doing usual household chores like dishes, laundry and picking up rooms.

Danny,

It's the bonding the kids are missing. I promise you, when you work alongside your kids in a loving fashion and they can feel your lovingkindness extended to them they will even look forward to chore time. Consider washing dishes:::: You say to your child, "Wash or dry? You pick and I'll take the other." During this time you engage in meaningful comunication and sharing heart-to-heart talks. Trust me, it reeeeeeeeally works.

Leadership means leading, as in leading sheep, as opposed to driving cattle.

[Danny Carlton]

To clear things up...

A. These are chores they know how to do.
B. These are chores they've seen me or my wife do.
C. Every single time my wife has "helped" them with their chore, it's taken at least twice as long to get done and my wife winds up doing 90-95% of the work.
D. Every single time my wife has "helped" them with their chores it grows into a repeated pattern of the kid wandering off, my wife angrily hunting them down and chewing them out before bringing them back to the chore, then the process repeats again.

For those who think it is possible to "work with" kids, please give some real life examples. And not just one time; examples of it actually happening in a positive way on a repeated basis.

[Anon]

To clear things up...

A. These are chores they know how to do.
B. These are chores they've seen me or my wife do.
C. Every single time my wife has "helped" them with their chore, it's taken at least twice as long to get done and my wife winds up doing 90-95% of the work.
D. Every single time my wife has "helped" them with their chores it grows into a repeated pattern of the kid wandering off, my wife angrily hunting them down and chewing them out before bringing them back to the chore, then the process repeats again.

For those who think it is possible to "work with" kids, please give some real life examples. And not just one time; examples of it actually happening in a positive way on a repeated basis.

The only kind of "working with" I know of that is positive, is like a family effort in the yard or spring cleaning or whatever...but everyday chores should certainly be done solo. Obviously checking up when they are finished and correcting mistakes, but still...like I posted earlier....when I was little, whenever my mom or grandma babysat me through cleaning my room, I only learned that it was easier to pretend I couldn't do it...then, I got company and possibly help.

Not to be mean or anything, and please take this right...but sounds like you and your wife might benefit from a long honest talk about raising your kids together, with you as the head of the home..in general.... :hide

[Annie]

To clear things up...

A. These are chores they know how to do.
B. These are chores they've seen me or my wife do.
C. Every single time my wife has "helped" them with their chore, it's taken at least twice as long to get done and my wife winds up doing 90-95% of the work.
D. Every single time my wife has "helped" them with their chores it grows into a repeated pattern of the kid wandering off, my wife angrily hunting them down and chewing them out before bringing them back to the chore, then the process repeats again.

For those who think it is possible to "work with" kids, please give some real life examples. And not just one time; examples of it actually happening in a positive way on a repeated basis.

I "work with" my kids all the time...but we're really having a great time together. No one is thinking about wandering off, because we're enjoying being together. Our interaction makes the chore less dreary.

Examples:

Folding a mountain of laundry: "Here, watch how you fold a beach towel...That's right...Hey, did you hear about..." etc.

Scrubbing the toilet: "Don't forget to reach around and wipe the back <> like this. Now you try it...That was pretty good, but not as thorough as it could have been. Try again." (IOW, they are having to do the work, not just watching me do it. This takes twice as long during the teaching process, but saves time in the long run. It's hard to have the patience to do this, but I just keep telling myself it will be worth it when they do the chore right every time without any help at all...and it always is worth it! It is amazing what my "little" kids can do...and do correctly and happily!)

We don't do all chores together. Each child has individual chores that he has to do every morning after breakfast. My kids know that if they don't do a good job, or wander off, they're asking for more work. (I'm talking about chores they know how to do well independently.) Laziness is rewarded with the sluggard's worst nightmare: more work. If there's backtalk, more work is added. Privileges are taken away...spankings are given. No screaming...no stress...no surprises...just reasonable consequences that they already know are coming. Trust me--it doesn't take long for my kids to get the message.

If I were you, I'd sit down with your kids and have a nice, gentle, fatherly chat with them. Tell them calmly and rationally what you've noticed about their laziness; accept your share of the blame for not training them to think about work properly; and lay out new ground rules that you and your wife have come up with during a moment when neither of you were frustrated about the situation (which obviously assumes that you need to talk about this issue with your wife first). Ask, "Is there anything we can do to help you?" Listen to their feedback/complaints/concerns/excuses, and address them all. Talk until no one has anything else to say. Then, consider the matter settled. Refer back to this conversation as needed.