Doomed To Be Single?

[That Guy]

Hello, I'm new here. Literally 10 minutes new. I'll just jump right into the reason I signed up, and decided to post. I'm hoping there's hope for guys like me. I got married before I was saved, and divorced before I was saved, and that was 17 or 18 years ago. I'm older, but by no means old (40), and have a lot of life left in me if The Lord permits me to live a long life, or doesn't come back first. Everything I've seen says I cannot remarry, and since my original wife was unsaved, and is now remarried there's no hope of reconcilliation.

 

Some Christians do go on to marry again regardless, but it doesn't look like that's something that God's going to permit. Feeling pretty hopeless about life. What's a guy to do? Any thoughts? Did I just mess up, and that's the end of that?

[Genevanpreacher]

There is never a lost 'cause'.

 

Prayer does change things, my friend, and the Lord wants you to enjoy life.

Life can be fulfilling if you surrender your 'hopelessness' to God.

 

If you aren't, get involved in a 'ministry' of some sorts and God can use that to

maybe make connections for you to 'find' your niche in his life work.

 

Maybe he will lead you to a Godly woman. Maybe not, but maybe.

 

I think the scriptures teach re-marriage, if it is to a Godly woman.

Edited June 7, 2014 by Genevanpreacher

[Standing Firm In Christ]

Hello, I'm new here. Literally 10 minutes new. I'll just jump right into the reason I signed up, and decided to post. I'm hoping there's hope for guys like me. I got married before I was saved, and divorced before I was saved, and that was 17 or 18 years ago. I'm older, but by no means old (40), and have a lot of life left in me if The Lord permits me to live a long life, or doesn't come back first. Everything I've seen says I cannot remarry, and since my original wife was unsaved, and is now remarried there's no hope of reconcilliation.

 

Some Christians do go on to marry again regardless, but it doesn't look like that's something that God's going to permit. Feeling pretty hopeless about life. What's a guy to do? Any thoughts? Did I just mess up, and that's the end of that?

Best advice I can give is "Take it to the Lord.  Cast all your cares on Him for He careth for you."

God said in His Word that He gives us the desires of our hearts.  Looks like your desire is companionship. 

That said, Give it to God, then wait on Him.  Remember, when God created Eve, He did not tell Adam to go looking for her.  No, He brought her to Adam.  Ask God to put the woman in your life that He would have you to marry and trust that He will do so 'in His time'.

[2bLikeJesus]

I am going to share some KJV bible verses that may be of help or consideration, but first let me tell you a little about my situation so you know that I completely understand your predicament.  I was saved at the age of 17.  I have been married twice, my first wife was murdered after we had been married for 8 years and had 4 children.  I was left the single parent of 3 boys and one girl and was free to marry since I had not divorced and my spouse was dead.  I made a very foolish choice by not asking God's direction when I chose a 2nd wife (who was unsaved) out of desperation for help in raising my 4.  After 10 years of marriage to her, who was divorced from her first husband, she reconciled with her first husband and left me. That marriage ended 20 years ago and I have been single and not dating even once since then, so I know the struggles you are going through as a healthy man.  In my case, and in my opinion, I have been released from my marriage vow by the "till death do us part" being fulfilled since my 2nd wife has recently passed away of cancer.  So I am now open to seek another wife, though I am not really looking very hard, having become accustomed to a celibate lifestyle.

 

However, your case in my opinion my be entirely different, and let me show by the bible why I believe so.  The main difference between yours and my case was that my entire two marriages happened AFTER I was saved, and you married and divorced while lost.

 

I will take you to Paul preaching to the Greeks on Mars Hill. 

 

Acts 17:23 (KJV)
²³  For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions, I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you.  These were unsaved men who knew nothing of God or his law. 

Acts 17:30 (KJV)
³⁰  And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent:

 

When you were unsaved and committed the acts of divorce you did not know God or his law, and I believe that sins committed then without you having the full knowledge of God, God winks at.   Those sins are of course are now covered under the blood if you are saved now.  You committed your sin of divorce while a lost man not knowing God or his law.  I committed mine with my eyes wide open, fully knowing it was against Gods word, and I am without excuse.  

 

In your situation I am assuming that both you and your wife were unsaved and unbelieving.  I believe God's word may help you here:

 

1 Corinthians 7:12-15 (KJV)
¹²  But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
¹³  And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
¹⁴  For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
¹⁵  But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. 

 

I believe the scriptures state that had you married an unsaved wife while you were a believer and she left you because she would not have any part of a Christians lifestyle and submit to you, then you were no longer under bondage.  The verses state the reverse is true as well, if the wife were saved and the husband unsaved and he left, she would no longer be under bondage.  In your case BOTH of you were unsaved and left. and I cannot see where you would be under bondage today. 

 

Then something interesting from Jesus on the topic...

 

Matthew 19:10-12 (KJV)
¹⁰  His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.
¹¹  But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.
¹²  For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

 

The first mans lot was not caused by any action of men or himself, the second mans situation was made so under the law of man, the third situation was done voluntarily by a man who knew God and did it as a sacrifice for the ministry.  In this instance, I believe your situation falls under the 2nd person, in that you under the law and understanding of man, put away your first wife.  You did not know Gods law and therefore are "unable to receive it".  This may be stretching the word a bit, but I think may be a viable argument.  I see no other explanation for the Lord's unusual statement here.

 

This is what I can offer from what I have found in God's word.  I am NOT a pastor however, and I would definitely seek wise counsel from your pastor, and of course a LOT of prayer regarding this issue. I will be following this forum entry closely and look forward to some thoughtful and scriptural discussion.

 

Bro. Garry

In His will.  By His power.  For His glory.

Edited June 8, 2014 by 2bLikeJesus

[EKSmith]

Welcome my friend '

I cant you give you any advice to your question other then to seek God in prayer and yield to him that His will be done in your life.

God bless 

[Genevanpreacher]

This is what I can offer from what I have found in God's word.  I am NOT a pastor however, and I would definitely seek wise counsel from your pastor, and of course a LOT of prayer regarding this issue. I will be following this forum entry closely and look forward to some thoughtful and scriptural discussion.

 

Bro. Garry

In His will.  By His power.  For His glory.

 

Sorry I didn't 'use scripture'.

 

Friend, in 1 Corinthians 7:27,28(a) there is a coupla verses for you, which in my experience with the word of God is very clear on this subject.

The above brother almost got to it.

 

"Art thou bound unto a wife? Seek not to be loosed: art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. But if thou takest a wife, thou sinnest not..."

 

Two verses here that answer this issue without clouding it up in opinion.

Hope you get a good encouragement being on this forum.

God bless you in your situation.

[wretched]

That Guy

 

Reread post #4, that is the best explanation I have heard or seen to date on this subject anywhere.

Edited June 8, 2014 by wretched

[prophet1]

Some good answers have been given here.

Feae not, my friend...if God had chosen you to be without a wife, for His sake, you would feel no sadness.

It sounds like you feel "bound" which is exactly what you shouldn't.

If you need a wife, take 1. Thou hast not sinned.
Put out a fleece, if you must.
God has 1 for ya.

Anishinabe

[Alimantado]

If you feel that your life is hopeless without a spouse, doesn't that mean you're setting up marriage life as an idol? All the responses so far have seemed to focus on a finding a 'legal' means to make your desire for remarriage ok, but if your desire for remarriage is the no.1 thing in your life what will you do if God calls you to give up this desire and not marry again?

[Genevanpreacher]

I don't think that is what is referred here.

 

'Marriage' is a desire to make a 'man' complete.

You know, like when God made Adam an 'help' meet for his needs.

I think also, that if God meant for him to not be married, he would not have the feeling of loss, without it.

 

Some men choose to 'be' single, and some were made physically to 'be' single.

But the scriptures state that this isn't for every man, but to whom can contain themselves.

 

It's not about idolatry, otherwise most of us would be 'living in sin' as per se.

 

Have you never been in a depressed situation and had concerns?

 

Marriage, for those who desire it, is a serious concern.

 

I will be praying for you That Guy.

Edited June 8, 2014 by Genevanpreacher

[Alimantado]

Some men choose to 'be' single, and some were made physically to 'be' single.
But the scriptures state that this isn't for every man, but to whom can contain themselves.

Wasn't saying that all men should be single, GP.

It's not about idolatry, otherwise most of us would be 'living in sin' as per se.

Nor was I saying that a desire for marriage is necessarily about idolatry. What Guy said was that he felt life was hopeless unless he was married, and it was this thought in particular that I was addressing. Anything can become idolatry, if it replaces God as the main focus of one's life.

...if God meant for him to not be married, he would not have the feeling of loss, without it.

Perhaps he has a desire for marriage because God means him to be married. On the other hand, perhaps God means him to be single but he has a desire for marriage. Surely either could be possible, else we would never desire anything that God does not want for us.

Have you never been in a depressed situation and had concerns? Marriage, for those who desire it, is a serious concern.

Sure, and I do sympathise.

[Standing Firm In Christ]

It is not good for man to be alone.  Of course God wants him to be married.

[wretched]

Alimantado is definitely unto something Scriptural here. God through Paul is pretty clear that the "better" service for God would be from a sanctified single man or woman whom forsakes the world including the worldliness of caring for a mate to serve Him completely and Spiritually. These Scriptures supersede any OT references members are attempting to make here.

 

Of course God through Paul knows that is absolutely against our physical nature but knows also that walking in Spirit we can rise above our worldly physical nature.

 

Not saying if you are married loose yourself to serve the Lord better. Your lot in life is cast, deal with it. But, if he/she dumps you, then be like Paul.

Edited June 8, 2014 by wretched

[Genevanpreacher]

Wretched, the old testament reference to marriage is the 'original' meaning behind the definition of marriage.

God saw man had a need, and he created the answer, woman.

 

Man was not complete without a mate, even when God saw Adam alone in Edenic 'perfection', how much more now?

 

In Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus Christ quoted Genesis 2:24.

 

The reason God felt that a wife was a 'good thing'? Genesis 2:18 - "It is not good that the man should be himself alone."

God didn't want man to 'be' alone. Hence, marriage.

 

It's all bible. Not just the new testament.

Edited June 8, 2014 by Genevanpreacher

[Pastorj]

On ‎6‎/‎7‎/‎2014 at 5:33 PM, That Guy said:

Hello, I'm new here. Literally 10 minutes new. I'll just jump right into the reason I signed up, and decided to post. I'm hoping there's hope for guys like me. I got married before I was saved, and divorced before I was saved, and that was 17 or 18 years ago. I'm older, but by no means old (40), and have a lot of life left in me if The Lord permits me to live a long life, or doesn't come back first. Everything I've seen says I cannot remarry, and since my original wife was unsaved, and is now remarried there's no hope of reconcilliation.

 

Some Christians do go on to marry again regardless, but it doesn't look like that's something that God's going to permit. Feeling pretty hopeless about life. What's a guy to do? Any thoughts? Did I just mess up, and that's the end of that?

Throughout my ministry, I have counseled a number of men and women in the same position. There will be people who disagree with what I am going to say, but Scripture is clear.

Marriage is permanent. With man, you are divorced. You and your wife are no longer legally married. God's views are different. In God's eyes she is still your wife, which is why you are not eligible to remarry until she departs this earth. This does not mean that your life is over. There are many areas of ministry that you can and should be involved in. I know many divorced individuals who teach Sunday School classes, run bus ministries, start single ministries to help others. God can and wants to use you. Start by getting into a good church and serving the Lord.

[Thief on the Cross]

9 hours ago, Pastorj said:

Throughout my ministry, I have counseled a number of men and women in the same position. There will be people who disagree with what I am going to say, but Scripture is clear.

Marriage is permanent. With man, you are divorced. You and your wife are no longer legally married. God's views are different. In God's eyes she is still your wife, which is why you are not eligible to remarry until she departs this earth. This does not mean that your life is over. There are many areas of ministry that you can and should be involved in. I know many divorced individuals who teach Sunday School classes, run bus ministries, start single ministries to help others. God can and wants to use you. Start by getting into a good church and serving the Lord.

Is it really that cut and dry Pastorj?  I am married to a man that was married prior.  We were both unsaved and had no clue what the Lords word was on this.  We were both saved after we were married.  The Lord obviously had mercy on us.   Prior to our conversion we were according to the bible dead.  If some one committed these things while dead,  then were made alive, a new birth , a new creature,  I have always believed that changes things.   God doesn't even remember our past according to scripture.    

Edited September 19, 2018 by Thief on the Cross

[swathdiver]

On 9/19/2018 at 4:06 PM, Thief on the Cross said:

Is it really that cut and dry Pastorj?  I am married to a man that was married prior.  We were both unsaved and had no clue what the Lords word was on this.  We were both saved after we were married.  The Lord obviously had mercy on us.   Prior to our conversion we were according to the bible dead.  If some one committed these things while dead,  then were made alive, a new birth , a new creature,  I have always believed that changes things.   God doesn't even remember our past according to scripture.    

The doctrine of marriage for the New Testament Christian is found in 1st Corinthians 7.  Such a union as you describe is sin and sins can be and will be forgiven and you can continue on in marriage until the Lord calls y'all home.  Obviously the Lord will not call your husband to be a Pastor or Deacon but you can both faithfully serve in other ways.  Don't dwell on it. 

[Pastorj]

On ‎9‎/‎19‎/‎2018 at 4:06 PM, Thief on the Cross said:

Is it really that cut and dry Pastorj?  I am married to a man that was married prior.  We were both unsaved and had no clue what the Lords word was on this.  We were both saved after we were married.  The Lord obviously had mercy on us.   Prior to our conversion we were according to the bible dead.  If some one committed these things while dead,  then were made alive, a new birth , a new creature,  I have always believed that changes things.   God doesn't even remember our past according to scripture.    

Yes, it is that cut and dry. However, as mentioned, God can and wants to use divorced people. They just can't be a pastor or deacon. The Word of God has to be taken literally and marriage is sacred and dealt with from Genesis to the New Testament and it is always the same. When we want to take one passage and say that this is for NT Christians and then ignore the Gospels or the Old Testament, we come up with doctrines that make us feel better and excuse our sin.

[Thief on the Cross]

Can sone one answer a few questions for me then.  These are sincere questions , trying to understand.

I will use sone examples from people I know.

A couple comes to our church.  Both have been previously married, now living  as whats called  common law.  They have children from previous marriages and also a child from their union.   After they are both saved, They were told they should be married.   Should they be married?

Another couple,  both divorced,  get saved , told they should be married.  Should they be?  They have no children between them , but adult children from their previous marriages.   They were living together. 

The woman at the well.  Jesus said that she had five husbands,  are we to believe they have all died.  Or 4 have died , 1 is still alive and that is why he says the one you are with is not you husband? 

 

Edited September 21, 2018 by Thief on the Cross

[Pastorj]

37 minutes ago, Thief on the Cross said:

Can sone one answer a few questions for me then.  These are sincere questions , trying to understand.

I will use sone examples from people I know.

A couple comes to our church.  Both have been previously married, now living  as whats called  common law.  They have children from previous marriages and also a child from their union.   After they are both saved, They were told they should be married.   Should they be married?

Another couple,  both divorced,  get saved , told they should be married.  Should they be?  They have no children between them , but adult children from their previous marriages.   They were living together. 

The woman at the well.  Jesus said that she had five husbands,  are we to believe they have all died.  Or 4 have died , 1 is still alive and that is why he says the one you are with is not you husband? 

 

Some great questions

1. Couple living in a common law marriage - They are married already. Doing vows is a formality.
2. Couple living together, but not married - This one is tough because I am sure they are sleeping together. I would not marry these individuals. I would encourage them to separate until their former spouses have passed.
3. Woman at the well - She was married to 5 and the one she was currently with was an adulterous affair. Jesus was calling her out on it. He was not telling her to go and get married to the guy she was currently with.