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How To Handle The Preachers Wife.


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What do you do if the preachers wife has a personal addiction to spending money? We want to pull her aside and talk to her but would like some input first. It has trickled over into her church life. I'm not giving any details only that she has pulled away from church all together. She still comes but get there late and leaves early sometimes. Her and the preacher always drives separate as well. I am really just looking to help any way I can. Your biblical opinion would be valued greatly.

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Personally speaking, I'm a pastor's wife and I absolutely HATE the embarrassment and self consciousness that buying things brings me...I despise the idea that church members might possibly be watching what I purchase, and judging me for it.  We don't have a lot of money, but if we DO buy something nice or something extra, it's certainly nobody else's business.

 

So I guess I would need to know how you define a "personal addiction of spending money"?   Maybe her husband lets her work so she can buy a few extra things for herself?   Do you know for a fact she is spending exorbitant amounts of money....or maybe she is shopping clearance sales?   I purchased my son a $60 hoodie on Black Friday for $17 as a Christmas gift....I purchased him a $50 hoodie at Goodwill for $7.50.   Another of my sons wears a very expensive brand of clothing but it is all hand-me-down from a cousin.

 

As far as her leaving and returning...does she have children to tend to?   We live on church property, but I arrive at church after he does.  I also often go back home before he does, as usually the kids end up going home right after church.   Are you sure this is truly a problem?  Maybe your pastor's wife is discouraged and is having trouble talking to people after church.  Maybe she feels like nobody understands and she is going through a hard time.  Maybe the shopping is how she is trying to help herself during a depression.

 

I can personally identify with pastor's wife depression, so I am just trying to make sure this is really a serious problem, or maybe your pastor's wife just needs some love and encouragement and support she is not receiving?  I'm not trying to assume that you are in the wrong.  I have seen pastors and pastors wives have serious issues and it happens all the time.  On the other hand, I want you to maybe step back and not assume your pastor's wife is necessarily in sin.  Maybe she is just feeling lonely and frustrated and feels like nobody cares anymore...and maybe a loving and understanding approach would be helpful.

 

Of course maybe she is in sin, since you have tried not to give personal details...but only your church can know that for sure.  But hopefully you will give your pastor's wife the benefit of the doubt as far as possible.

 

SFIC, with all due respect, there is nothing in the Bible that mandates a woman stay at the church building until her husband leaves, and there is nothing that says she may not go shopping for fun....so really none of us can know if there are problems in that pastor's home since we do not know the situation.  The OP has been gracious enough to keep the details anonymous, which is good of him.

 

Of course if the pastor's wife is actively stirring up strife and gossip and problems in the church, and attitude problems, then certainly the men should talk to the pastor about it and find out what can be done, since churches should have as much unity as possible.

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To state the obvious - much prayer (but I think you know that).

Maybe a gentle enquiry to the Pastor to make sure everything is ok between them?

Rather than asking him to step aside, it might be appropriate to ask if he needs some time if there is a problem.

Always better to approach this with grace and compassion rather than confrontationally.....

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To state the obvious - much prayer (but I think you know that).

Maybe a gentle enquiry to the Pastor to make sure everything is ok between them?

Rather than asking him to step aside, it might be appropriate to ask if he needs some time if there is a problem.

Always better to approach this with grace and compassion rather than confrontationally.....

 Yeah...that.  DaveW pretty much put it in a nutshell.  Haha.  Good post.

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A little about the spending. Anytime we have a church function she buys a lot of decorations and gifts for the event. Most of the time it's not consumed but she buys so much because it's a "good deal". At home she buys things and takes to other peoples houses and asks to put them there so her husband won't know. She lost her job shortly after the pastor took the job at our church. She is now a stay at home mom of one 13 year old girl. Her other 3 girls are grown and gone. I was on the same track as SFIC with them not ever riding to church together and just passed it off as the pastor likes to get there early to study. He does own his own business that he works 40+ hours a week at. Should we make them take a vacation?? I have had the verse in Timothy cross my mind right much but I want to fix rather than replace.

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A compassionate, private talk with the pastor would be a good approach. Make sure this is done after much prayer and truly with love, gentleness and compassion, with a sincere aim of learning. Then, follow the pastors lead. If he asks for some kind of help, whether prayer, council or something else, try to kindly and compassionately help in the way he asks. If he says there is no problem, doesn't want to talk about it at that time, or asks for some space, go with that and see what happens after some time passes by, being in constant prayer throughout that time.

 

Practice patience and be in much prayer so as not to get ahead of the Lord, as we know He doesn't always work things according to the same time schedule we would.

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Personally, I handle the preacher's wife in a very gentle, sensual manner-of course, since I'm the preacher, its okay.

 

Now, from experience, I can say, its not always a good thing to go first to JUST the pastor. People used to want to have private conversations with me about my wife, and didn't want her involved, and it really hurt her. Be open, be honest but be kind-remember, just because she's the pastor's wife doesn't make her different than anyone else-she's not assistant pastor, or co-pastor, she's another member, and to hold her as special above others is wrong. I don't force my wife to be a teacher, or a leader or anything else, any more than I force or expect anoyone else to do so-she's my wife, not my church's wife, and she's no more answerable to them than they are to her.

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I felt led to go to him a while back but didn't at the request of my wife. Shame on me I know but she approached it from the patience standpoint as well. I have been in prayer about this and lately the Lord has laid her on my heart. She came in gung-ho and is quite the busy body when he first took over as pastor. I was thinking on the same lines as you with her needing to be a member first and foremost then get plugged in. I think I'm just going to talk to the both of them at the same time. Who should I bring with me? The bible says I should go in pairs. My wife and her used to be good friends do you think I should take her. Should it be all business or invite them over without the kids and just talk. 

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Thanks for all the replies, you just confirmed what I've been thinking. She came down to the alter Sunday morning but I don't know what for. Her daughter is pregnant and sick so pray for her, and the pastor is sick as well so pray for him. I think I'll wait until after the next deacon's meeting just so I don't jump the gun or anything. (I'm a deacon so I'm not trying to easedrop or gossip) This will be my first deacon's meeting and I don't know what to expect. There are only 4 of us deacons in a church of 50 members.

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We have no deacons in a church of 75.  haha.   But we do have spiritual leaders and faithful men who help lead the church.  They just don't have the title for various and assorted reasons.

 

Part of me realizes you have a valid complaint, and part of me feels sorry for this pastor's wife.  Especially if she has a sick daughter and husband.   I would maybe approach it like this...."Is there anything we can do for your family?  It seems like maybe you guys have been going through a rough time lately.   I feel like we are sensing discouragement, and we are really sorry about that, and want to know how we can help."    See what they say.  From there, bring up the wife pulling back from ministry.  There may be a valid explanation, and if you approach it like this, they may be able to explain what is going on.   Last, if that goes well, maybe ask about the shopping.  It may be her downfall, her way of dealing with life.  It's not good, but it could be worse.   If the first part of the conversation goes well, then I'd assume the shopping thing would go well too, and maybe you can be a help and she can fix what needs to be fixed. 

 

But if you approach it giving them the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to do what's right, and they just need some encouragement, I think they'll be receptive.

 

If not, then you'll have to deal with that as it comes.

 

Good luck with it all, let us know how it goes!

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Deacons are only servants anyway. There were 4 When he took over as pastor then 2 resigned and left the church. Now there was me and another young man that was just voted in. So back to 4. The pastor just has a really bad cold nothing too serious. This buying problem has been going on for years. I think something was said by the other deacons which is why I wanted to wait until our first meeting on the 20th. Anyways just wanted to fill in to show that the illness wasn't the trigger to the spending. Thanks for all your help and advice. I'll fill you in on what happens (if anything). Thanks again.

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If I may interject for  a bit.  My church has only 40 adults in attendance.  We have about 15 children.  We have two deacons.  My father in law has been a deacon in my IFB church, since the early 90's.  He has been a faithful servant for close to 20 years to my first pastor and his son, my second pastor.  The other deacon has been serving for about 8 years.  It is my understanding that it is wise to have an older deacon, and a younger deacon.   My pastor is 48.  My FIL is 74 and the other deacon is 40.  My FIL acts like a Barnabas and the other one a Timothy.  Just my :twocents:

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