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Me and My Wife


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Hi All,

My wife and I have been having some marital prOBlems lately. She feels that I am not showing her enough affection and love. My defence was I was always making sure that the cleaning and housework was done before she arrived home from work so that she would not have to worry about it after working a long 10 hour day at work. Then I realized that I was going about it in a way that she didn't recognize that I was showing her love in doing this. So, lately I have been trying to tell her how much I love her and want to work things out because she felt that we weren't getting anywhere in our marriage and was considering leaving. We have been talking about a lot of things lately and at first I felt like she was pushing me away until last night when she told me that she loved me for the first time in quite a while. That made me feel great, but, and this is big, she receives numerous text messages on her phone and this was nothing uncommon for her but all of a sudden all of these messages were a secret. Its not that I didn't know who the messages were coming from it was the fact that I felt she was hiding something from me. So this morning I woke up early and looked at the messages on her phone. This was unable to happen in the past because any other time I looked the inbox and outbox would be empty. Now I realized that this was wrong because I was snooping but it just didn't make any since she had never hidden anything from me before. Also I did this while she was sleeping cause I figured this was the only time to look. Anyway when I looked at the messages on the phone not to my surprise there were several messages. When I read the messages I felt deeply hurt cause it sounded to me like this person was trying to move in on my wife. So out of anger I woke her up and began to question her, which I also figured out was the wrong thing to do. Long story short we got into an argument about this and in the end I realized that everything was harmless and I had interpreted it all wrong. Now I am in quite a pickle. Just when we start to make progress I questioned my trust for my wife and before she left for work this morning she asked me how we were going to fix me questioning my trust. To my dismay I had no answer for her. Now not only is she hurt from past issues here is a nothier one that we must try to work through. The only prOBlem is I dont know where to start.

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Hi All,

My wife and I have been having some marital prOBlems lately. She feels that I am not showing her enough affection and love. My defence was I was always making sure that the cleaning and housework was done before she arrived home from work so that she would not have to worry about it after working a long 10 hour day at work. Then I realized that I was going about it in a way that she didn't recognize that I was showing her love in doing this. So, lately I have been trying to tell her how much I love her and want to work things out because she felt that we weren't getting anywhere in our marriage and was considering leaving. We have been talking about a lot of things lately and at first I felt like she was pushing me away until last night when she told me that she loved me for the first time in quite a while. That made me feel great, but, and this is big, she receives numerous text messages on her phone and this was nothing uncommon for her but all of a sudden all of these messages were a secret. Its not that I didn't know who the messages were coming from it was the fact that I felt she was hiding something from me. So this morning I woke up early and looked at the messages on her phone. This was unable to happen in the past because any other time I looked the inbox and outbox would be empty. Now I realized that this was wrong because I was snooping but it just didn't make any since she had never hidden anything from me before. Also I did this while she was sleeping cause I figured this was the only time to look. Anyway when I looked at the messages on the phone not to my surprise there were several messages. When I read the messages I felt deeply hurt cause it sounded to me like this person was trying to move in on my wife. So out of anger I woke her up and began to question her, which I also figured out was the wrong thing to do. Long story short we got into an argument about this and in the end I realized that everything was harmless and I had interpreted it all wrong. Now I am in quite a pickle. Just when we start to make progress I questioned my trust for my wife and before she left for work this morning she asked me how we were going to fix me questioning my trust. To my dismay I had no answer for her. Now not only is she hurt from past issues here is a nothier one that we must try to work through. The only prOBlem is I dont know where to start.

I prayed for you to have wisdom in this, Trevor. There are no easy answers...no easy way out, but God has promised to give wisdom to those who ask.
Do you know any experienced pastor/counselor you can talk to about this? You need a neutral party to help you sort through these issues, UNLESS both of you are able to discuss this rationally and biblically on your own. The short answer: Your jOB is to humble yourself and ask forgiveness for the specific thing you did (questioning her trust)...While questioning a person's trust is certainly appropriate, the way you went about it is not. Your asking forgiveness won't 'fix' things; it takes time to regain a person's trust. (Because now you're the one who has broken her trust.) It's complicated. My advice would be to get counsel together from a neutral party (pastor, not shrink).
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Hi All,


My wife and I have been having some marital prOBlems lately. She feels that I am not showing her enough affection and love. My defence was I was always making sure that the cleaning and housework was done before she arrived home from work so that she would not have to worry about it after working a long 10 hour day at work. Then I realized that I was going about it in a way that she didn't recognize that I was showing her love in doing this. So, lately I have been trying to tell her how much I love her and want to work things out because she felt that we weren't getting anywhere in our marriage and was considering leaving. We have been talking about a lot of things lately and at first I felt like she was pushing me away until last night when she told me that she loved me for the first time in quite a while. That made me feel great, but, and this is big, she receives numerous text messages on her phone and this was nothing uncommon for her but all of a sudden all of these messages were a secret. Its not that I didn't know who the messages were coming from it was the fact that I felt she was hiding something from me. So this morning I woke up early and looked at the messages on her phone. This was unable to happen in the past because any other time I looked the inbox and outbox would be empty. Now I realized that this was wrong because I was snooping but it just didn't make any since she had never hidden anything from me before. Also I did this while she was sleeping cause I figured this was the only time to look. Anyway when I looked at the messages on the phone not to my surprise there were several messages. When I read the messages I felt deeply hurt cause it sounded to me like this person was trying to move in on my wife. So out of anger I woke her up and began to question her, which I also figured out was the wrong thing to do. Long story short we got into an argument about this and in the end I realized that everything was harmless and I had interpreted it all wrong. Now I am in quite a pickle. Just when we start to make progress I questioned my trust for my wife and before she left for work this morning she asked me how we were going to fix me questioning my trust. To my dismay I had no answer for her. Now not only is she hurt from past issues here is a nothier one that we must try to work through. The only prOBlem is I dont know where to start.




Attitude is everything. apologize, show her you love her and try to move on. Sometimes when couples are having trust issues the advice is to back off and give your spouse some space. That can work sometimes but I wouldn't recommend it unless that is the only thing one spouse will settle for. Often the more space you have the farther apart you get and the less secure your relationship feels. Lack of trust is usually built on insecurity, and the best way to fix insecurity is to get closer to each other. Trust is built with enough knowledge that faith fills in the gaps. Since you both know there are trust issues perhaps an agreement can be reached that each spouse is perfectly entitled to look through the others phone, check the others computer history and so on with neither party taking offense. If as a couple you both know the trust isn't there it isn't there and there is no point pretending it is until it has a chance to build again. Keeping close tabs on one another will give both you accountability to your spouse and make each of you less likely to do something stupid that crosses the line when you know your spouse might see it. It will also give you an opportunity to get to know one another better. If you both focus on spending more time together an trying to stay close to one another trust will build naturally eventually even though it will be very difficult and strained to be so close at first. As trust builds staying so close will not be so important to maintaining one another's sense of security but as a couple you may decide you like the closeness eventually after you work through the initial difficulties of it.


If as couple you can agree to this kind of thing it might help.


It is what I would tell a couple I was counseling in that situation.
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Are you and your wife both born again Christians seeking to follow Christ?

There are many books on marriage out there that may be of help such as "The Five Love Languages" or "Love and Respect", etc.

If you are both Christians you should both be looking to Scripture for answers and each of you seeking to OBey the Word of God.

In this you must remember it's your duty to learn how you are to be and to do what the Word says and NOT to try and learn what she should be doing and trying to get her to do so. The same applies to your wife.

Of course, the biggest factor is whether or not you and/or your wife are born again Christians and if you and/or your wife are serious about following Christ.

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This sounds like a sticky situation. Trust is mutual; I wonder if she would trust you if the situation were reversed? Our God Himself is a jealous God, (Ex. 34:14~Deut. 4:24, etc.) so I see no shame in a little jealousy. However, we also need to have faith in our spouse to some extent. It is a tough call.

My wife and I started out from the get-go making it a policy that neither of us receive personal text messages from the opposite sex. We do not over-fraternize or counsel (much can happen with counseling sessions) with the opposite sex unless we are together, or in a public place. I do not even go anywhere without her, and she with me, unless it's a quick trip to the store, etc.even then, we usually go shopping together. (I am retired, so I have lots of time!) We do not do this out of a lack of trust, but of respect for the feelings of each other; I do not want to put myself in a position that she could even think I was unfaithful to her.

It isn't easy to do this; I have made women angry by asking them (such as on this forum) not to send me personal messages, but to keep everything in the open; some have wanted to email me, and I asked them not to; they can have their husband do it or request openly what it is they wish to ask or say. These policies have helped us I am sure to "trust" one another more, along with a close relationship with the Lord, of course.

If I may ask, how is it that you and the wife have reversed roles? Have you lost your jOB? There is a lot of pressure on a woman who tries to be the bread winner, and she was not made for that. That alone can cause a depressed state quickly in a woman (men too, but they are more conditioned for it) No scripture comes to mind to support that, but I know that it is true. Perhaps if she is treated as a queen, and in a feminine manner, things would work out better. Please don't think I am criticizing you, I am merely trying to help. BOTH of you may need to change, but you may need to lead in changing things, and, if she loves you, she will fall in line when she has the assurance that everything will work out. It takes time, but it is worth it in the end.

I will pray for you and her every time the Lord allows me to remember to do so (I have a lot of "senior moments!"). Please don't give up on your wife, and think before you talk "How would I take this comment?"

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The husband and wife love to be married. They love to be together. They have differences of opinion, but they work out the prOBlems together before the Lord.

Husband_Wife_Roles.gif

What is God’s advice? Keep it up! God delights in good marriages. There are two keys to a good marriage: (1) Faithful in carrying out ones responsibilities and (2) rightly relating and responding to ones spouse.

(1) Clearly defined and kept roles help clarify responsibilities and minimize conflict. This has us faithfully responding to God and how we are to manage our affairs. We have discussed this above.

(2) Clear understanding and application of God’s commands for the husband and wife enable them to communicate well when there are misunderstandings. They have a way to solve prOBlems and leave them in God’s hands. When the husband leads well, then it is easy for the wife to follow. The husband needs to focus on loving his wife. This means practical and deliberate ways to show kindness to his wife. He thinks of her needs and meets them. This includes something so basic as praying for her.

The wife is his helpmate. When she has a greater understanding how she fits into God’s role, it is easier for her to submit and work hard at doing what would please her husband and God. The wife needs to stop just saying she knows what her husband wants but in fact does those things. Her reluctance to submit to her husband produces ongoing tension and friction.

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Dear friend, I understand your situation and do not think it is all to uncommon to be going what you are going through. I was the same way, trying to show my love by taking our daughter places so my wife could have some alone time or washing dishes for her etc. Yet, this wasn't enough. Our wives need to be held and loved. They need to "feel" loved. They need affection. To be held, hugged and kissed. Anyway, you get the picture. We as men do not necessarily need that to feel loved. So it is strange to us if they get moody about certain things. Another thing is key, if there are issues in our lives that are taking our love from our wives, then we will not truly show love to them. Sin can snuff out any emotion for our wives as well. To get right down to it, if we are not pure in our hearts and minds, our wives will not receive any of the love and affection she needs. I can tell you that from personal experience. I have seen in my own life where the love of other sins and items has stolen the love my partner needs. We know that God is not the author of confusion, either in church, but first and foremost in the home. You need to first express this fear you have inside to the Father. Share your heart with him FIRST, and the rest will fall in line. Pray earnestly to HIM, talk to HIM, and see if the Spirit would have you share your concerns with your wife. You feel the Spirit's guiding to talk to you wife, then do it. You may need to share this with her, your partner. I can understand your feelings, but remember that LOVE from the Spirit, or love from the new man you are, new creation, comes from your relationship with the Father first, then spews into other areas of your life. Well, that’s all I have for right now my brother. I hope that helps. Much love. Vince Smith

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I highly recommend counselling as well. I'm sure there are more and deeper things going on that it sounds like you guys need to talk out with a third party present. Sounds like maybe there's some resentment going on or other things..its hard to know the whole story online but I hope you guys can get it worked out! Marriage today is harder than ever...they are falling apart...I think there are many reasons for it which I won't go into here...but it definitely can be a challenge in today's society.

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I highly recommend "The 5 Love Languages" and "Love and Respect".

Every married couple should read these books.


Excellent recommendations! Our pastor has used the Five Love Languages book in councelling married couples. Earlier this year our church held a seminar showing the Love and Respect conferences held by the author of that book.
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Hi All,


My wife and I have been having some marital prOBlems lately. She feels that I am not showing her enough affection and love. My defence was I was always making sure that the cleaning and housework was done before she arrived home from work so that she would not have to worry about it after working a long 10 hour day at work. Then I realized that I was going about it in a way that she didn't recognize that I was showing her love in doing this. So, lately I have been trying to tell her how much I love her and want to work things out because she felt that we weren't getting anywhere in our marriage and was considering leaving. We have been talking about a lot of things lately and at first I felt like she was pushing me away until last night when she told me that she loved me for the first time in quite a while. That made me feel great, but, and this is big, she receives numerous text messages on her phone and this was nothing uncommon for her but all of a sudden all of these messages were a secret. Its not that I didn't know who the messages were coming from it was the fact that I felt she was hiding something from me. So this morning I woke up early and looked at the messages on her phone. This was unable to happen in the past because any other time I looked the inbox and outbox would be empty. Now I realized that this was wrong because I was snooping but it just didn't make any since she had never hidden anything from me before. Also I did this while she was sleeping cause I figured this was the only time to look. Anyway when I looked at the messages on the phone not to my surprise there were several messages. When I read the messages I felt deeply hurt cause it sounded to me like this person was trying to move in on my wife. So out of anger I woke her up and began to question her, which I also figured out was the wrong thing to do. Long story short we got into an argument about this and in the end I realized that everything was harmless and I had interpreted it all wrong. Now I am in quite a pickle. Just when we start to make progress I questioned my trust for my wife and before she left for work this morning she asked me how we were going to fix me questioning my trust. To my dismay I had no answer for her. Now not only is she hurt from past issues here is a nothier one that we must try to work through. The only prOBlem is I dont know where to start.


When you clean the house and she does not think you, why? Does she not think what you do for her is good? No couple should keep secrets from each other. Are you both Christians? Pray that God will show you what you need to do. She should know that divorce should not be an option or leaving. You should be the head not her, I mean don't be a jerk but you have rights to know what she is doing. My first wife cheated on me and slept around and I confronted her with it, she would not tell me where she was coming home at 3:00 am. I'm not saying your wife is cheating but don't be fooled by the lady's sweet talk. Be careful and don't just trust everything that comes out of her mouth. A couple should have trust with each other, but when one does not tell the truth or hide things from you that is a big sign that things are going south. :puzzled3: God is the only answer.
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