My 13 month old screams to express his wants and emotions

[Mrs Smith]

Hello everyone!

I am a new mother and have made it a sincere desire to raise my son in the Lord, including discipline from a young age. He understands and obeys commands such as "No" and "Don't touch". But for the past few weeks, he has hit this new phase . . . He screams a lot!

He loves pushing his walker around. If it gets stuck on something, he will look at me and do a whiney scream until I fix the problem. If he's trying to get a toy that he can't reach, he will scream and do his whine-cry until someone helps. If I take something away that he should not have, he screams. If I put him down when he still wants to be held, he will scream. If I'm holding him in my lap and I do not allow him to touch and grab things off the table or desk that we are sitting at, he will squirm and twist his body around and throw a little fit about it

Is there any way to correct this problem, or is he too young? I know he cannot talk, and so this is his way of communicating and expressing his feelings, but nonetheless, I don't want him to think that it is appropriate.

Thank you to all for any advice and words of wisdom.

[trc123]

He's still a baby. Keep gently and lovingly giving him verbal directions and be consistent, consistent, consistent. Never give in to tantrums.

[Mrs Smith]

He's still a baby. Keep gently and lovingly giving him verbal directions and be consistent, consistent, consistent. Never give in to tantrums.

So if he's screaming for something, do I not do what he wants me to do and let him keep screaming, making him more frustrated? Or do I do what he wants help with while speaking to him in a gentle tone, and ignore the fact that he was screaming for that help?

I'm really baffled on how to exactly deal with him screaming when he wants something, and screaming when he doesn't like something that mommy does (i.e. putting him down). Are you saying that he is too young to understand correction for his screaming? I guess that's what I'm really wondering.

[Annie]

Talktotifa, I sympathize with you, having had five little ones of my own. Here are a few things to think about...

Some of my friends have had great success with teaching their pre-verbal children to express themselves positively by using sign language. I never tried it, but I hear it's not hard to do.

As a mom, I have to make sure that my own attitude is always upbeat and positive, especially during situations like you've described. Children sure do pick up on whatever attitude I'm exhibiting, and tend to copy it.

Try to cheer the child up before giving him what he wants. The last thing you want to encourage is whining. I would try to make eye contact with the child, and cheerfully try to get him to "say please" or make a "positive noise."

Toddlers (and kids in general...hey, and even moms!) are more whiny when they're tired. I have found that at those times, they usually don't need discipline (for whining); they just need to be put down for a nap or cuddle time with Mom.

I have never had to spank for whining. I just do what it takes to teach the child that the easiest way to get attention is to be sweet. If a child whines when I put him down, I don't pick him up (unless there is a need I must meet). If the child screams, so be it: he's not getting picked up at that point especially. I would walk away, humming, paying no attention, pretending he's not even there. I might explain sadly but not terribly emotionally to the child, "No screaming. Mommy will not listen to you when you scream. Let's be happy!" or something so that the child can begin to learn that there is an association between his actions, my words, and my response to his actions.

Sometimes it helps to warn a child ahead of time before putting him down...something like, "I'm going to put you down now. Let's be happy, OK? Want to walk with me to the kitchen?"

When kids get a little older, I've found it helpful to let them cry away on their bed (telling them they can get up when they're done). They soon realize that their crying/tantrums are getting them nowhere, and settle down pretty quickly until tantrums are a thing of the past. Occasionally, I would swat a leg to get the child's attention and discipline during a tantrum if I sensed it was appropriate. With your little one, a firm flick/thump on the leg (not diaper) might be just the ticket to get him to notice that his behavior is not appropriate. The only way that will work, though, is if you're consistent with it. It won't work if it just makes the situation worse.

Really, the screaming/whining is probably a stage that will certainly end if you don't reward that behavior.

[futurehope]

My children also attempted this type of behaviour and it was met with stern and quick response..............both with verbal and (light) physical scoldings. I know some people don't believe in using swats or spankings or whatever "proper term" they can come up with, but and light swat on the bottom coupled with a stern "No" can go a long way in training a child. Also, some situations require a little more of the encouraging (like when he gets his walker stuck) to try and overcome the obstacle rather than expecting you to wait on him hand and foot. Don't make the one huge mistake that many parents do today: think your child doesn't know what he is doing. Children (even at 13 months) are much smarter than many give them credit for. I once heard a statistic that by age three, a child has learned over fifty percent, on average, of what they will learn their entire lifetime. That being said, the next two years are quite possibly the very most important for disciplining your son. We took this approach with our children who are now 5, 6, and 7, and, after age three, we have very, very rarely had to scold them. They simply do as they are told or as they know they are supposed to.

[bzmomo7]

So if he's screaming for something, do I not do what he wants me to do and let him keep screaming, making him more frustrated? Or do I do what he wants help with while speaking to him in a gentle tone, and ignore the fact that he was screaming for that help?

I'm really baffled on how to exactly deal with him screaming when he wants something, and screaming when he doesn't like something that mommy does (i.e. putting him down). Are you saying that he is too young to understand correction for his screaming? I guess that's what I'm really wondering.

Children this age often understand a lot more than they are able to express with words and gestures. They get mad that we can't always read their minds! (I mean, we DO feed them, let them rest, give them love, and change their diapers without them telling us to, so hey, why shouldn't we be able to figure out everything else, too, right??)

Try not to "give in" when he screams.........this just reinforces the behavior. If he screams for something, don't give it to him until he quits, but also, teach him words and gestures for that something so that he feels that you have "understood" him the next time. You don't want to teach a child to be lazy and point to everything, but it is helpful to teach them how to point while you say, "Do you want THIS?" One of my 16mo. old's favorite words is "this" which she uses and points to those things she does not know the name for......and then we tell her what "this" is called. She knows the name of many things now and is building quite a vocabulary. Whatever you need to do for your son, just go ahead and do it. If you need to put him down to do something.....then do it, while telling him what you are doing. If you need to change his clothes or his diaper and he is screaming and pitching a fit..............just hold him firmly and do what needs done while telling him what you are doing. This way he'll know you are in charge, and that his screaming doesn't get his desired results. We have 7 kiddos (my youngest is 16mo.) and have "been there" many times with stubborn toddlers....you are welcome to PM me anytime.

[Mrs Smith]

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I am new to this forum, so I sure appreciate your time. Every time he screams for something I stop to talk to him, and I repeat simple sentences while emphasising keywords so that he may hopefully soon begin using simple words for certain things. So when he wants something (a toy, wanting his walker unstuck) I will continue to stay calm while I help and talk him through it.

However, I do find that when I'm faithful to giving him one quick slap to the back of his leg for throwing a little tantrum (like when I take something away) that does seem to work. I truly believe he understands the correlation between his fit and the sting. I'll check myself to make sure I really am consistent with that. I will also pray that the Lord will remind me of my attitude throughout the day, and to be sure it is right before Him, so that it may also benifit my relationship with my son.

I was not raised in a Christian home, so I have little experience with good, godly parenting. I'm sure I will be asking many more questions, so I hope you all would bare with me as I bombard your forum!

Thanks again.

[HappyChristian]

talkto - you pointed out something that is very true. Sometimes a little sting is important to get a child's attention. In a situation like screaming for his walker to get unstuck (or for a toy) the thing that is happening is twofold: one, he is telling you what he wants, and, two, he is demanding in anger that you get it for him now.

Little ones can be the sweetest little angels, so sometimes it's hard for us to think of our babies as sinners. But anger displayed because of frustration is sin. And a light smack at the top of his leg, using maybe two fingers rather than the whole hand, as you reprove him verbally (something like "no screaming") can stop the tantrum just long enough for him to stop screaming and begin to hear you. What you are working for is self-discipline, which is vital as a child gets older. Perhaps after you tell him "no screaming," you can tell him, "say please help." While he may not be able to speak at this age, you are building a foundation of the proper response to frustration. And Annie's suggestion about sign language is good - at the same time you are telling him no, use the sign for no (worked great for me when my son was doing something and he wasn't close enough to hear me, but could see that "no") and then use the signs for "please help."

Another suggestion would be for you to look through the Bible (especially Proverbs) at verses that teach self-control (especially verses about anger). Sometimes when you hold him, simply quote or read the verse to him and tell him what it means. You might say, "at 13 months old?" Yep. Begin (if you haven't already) to teach him what the Bible says about it.

And of course, pray for wisdom. God promises to give to us liberally if we but ask.

And have fun with your boy! Mine just turned 22 and is leaving the area in a few weeks (he's in the National Guard)...the time passes quicker than we think! Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock to when he was a baby. Of course, he doesn't.

[Mrs Smith]

talkto - you pointed out something that is very true. Sometimes a little sting is important to get a child's attention. In a situation like screaming for his walker to get unstuck (or for a toy) the thing that is happening is twofold: one, he is telling you what he wants, and, two, he is demanding in anger that you get it for him now.

Little ones can be the sweetest little angels, so sometimes it's hard for us to think of our babies as sinners. But anger displayed because of frustration is sin. And a light smack at the top of his leg, using maybe two fingers rather than the whole hand, as you reprove him verbally (something like "no screaming") can stop the tantrum just long enough for him to stop screaming and begin to hear you. What you are working for is self-discipline, which is vital as a child gets older. Perhaps after you tell him "no screaming," you can tell him, "say please help." While he may not be able to speak at this age, you are building a foundation of the proper response to frustration. And Annie's suggestion about sign language is good - at the same time you are telling him no, use the sign for no (worked great for me when my son was doing something and he wasn't close enough to hear me, but could see that "no") and then use the signs for "please help."

Another suggestion would be for you to look through the Bible (especially Proverbs) at verses that teach self-control (especially verses about anger). Sometimes when you hold him, simply quote or read the verse to him and tell him what it means. You might say, "at 13 months old?" Yep. Begin (if you haven't already) to teach him what the Bible says about it.

And of course, pray for wisdom. God promises to give to us liberally if we but ask.

And have fun with your boy! Mine just turned 22 and is leaving the area in a few weeks (he's in the National Guard)...the time passes quicker than we think! Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock to when he was a baby. Of course, he doesn't.

HappyChristian,

Thank you for your encouraging words of wisdom! I do try to read to him from the Bible everyday, but perhaps it would be good if I also begin reading and memorizing verses for his sins (anger, disobedience, etc). It will certainly be good practice, and a good habit to get into now while he's still so little.

I believe time does go by fast! This 1st year of his life certainly did! And I'm the very emotional, sentimental sort, so that never helps. I'm a big baby with those things. I already find myself wanting to relive his newborn stage. But then it is also exciting to see his life now and all that's ahead.

Thanks again!

[Anon]

Its very frustrating for babies and toddlers who cannot express their wants to try to get it across to an adult for help! Sometimes I simply help the child if I can tell they are just frustrated and don't know how to tell me. I'll say "Its ok, no need to scream, look mom can help." As they start being able to try to talk, I correct them saying "No...say "help" or "say please" and work on that. And yeah as they get older (my youngest of four boys is 2 now) I do give a little spank for a downright screaming tantrum.

For instance today my 2 yo was so frustrated because he could not pull a toy out of the bottom of the toybox and he didn't know how to voice that. (Yes my boys are slow to talk, although he does say words...they generally catch up very fast during their 2nd year.) I came over to him and just said "Hey its ok, mom can help you, no problem" and pulled the toy out. But sometimes he throws a fit...I give him a drink and its not what he wanted and he will throw the drink (sippy cup) and then he does get in trouble for that.

I just try to remember though how it must feel to know what you need and nobody can understand what it is!

[His by Grace]

We had a son that had a delayed speech problem. We used sign language while verbalizing at the same time. Also when they whine and look to you to "do, fix or finish" something...don't. Give words of encouragement, if they continue to be frustrated encourage with an helper idea. ie; I just know you can move this buggy by yourself because your such a good prolem solver.OR Have you tried moving to the left--knowing they have no idea of left you point that way. When he achieves his goal then ONLY PRAISE-NO TREATS! Try to follow up with statement's like: "You must feel so good after working so hard and just think-you did it all by yoursef. I knew you could or I alway's believed in you!" Little older begin with asking if they've prayed for the Lord's help .If they haven't--stoop down and pray together! Simplier sentences when young---more as they grow-up. Let them never quit--frustration is a good thing! This all said: there are times to spank! But remember spank your child for their sake NEVER for what someone might think of you. Your child will alway's be your child--that friend probably won't! We spanked for danger mostly. My husband wasn't saved then and this was his rule. Talking back, direct disobedience like running away in a store or not staying put in a parking garage--shopping center kind of area. etc. If a toy was thrown it was taken away for the day --put on a tall piece of furniture for him to see all day.Then the next morning we would celebrate outloud it's a new day and a new start! Hope I didn't share too much!! Only trying to share what worked for us! MOST OF ALL-pray with them and be willing to say your sorry to them when you make a mistake ie; like lose your temper. Alway's wanted son to know I'm not perfect but I was alway's seeking the Lord's will---reading my Bible! See growing up I was never allowed to clean anything-couldn't do it correctly. Never allowed to make appointments--much faster to do myself. Etc. so when I went of to college all was a shock. Then when married still had things I had been able to avoid. Try calling for your first physicians apt. when your husbands at work, your baby boy is screaming with a fever to boot and your terified already to make a phone call for an apt. Yes, this was an extreme but it's so easy to do because we love our children so deeply. BUT take it from me--that isn't love. Little frustrations, little consequences along the way are far less difficult than what happens as an adult!!! Hope I was a blessing that's all I'm trying to be.

dateline='1252533676']
Hello everyone!

I am a new mother and have made it a sincere desire to raise my son in the Lord, including discipline from a young age. He understands and obeys commands such as "No" and "Don't touch". But for the past few weeks, he has hit this new phase . . . He screams a lot!

He loves pushing his walker around. If it gets stuck on something, he will look at me and do a whiney scream until I fix the problem. If he's trying to get a toy that he can't reach, he will scream and do his whine-cry until someone helps. If I take something away that he should not have, he screams. If I put him down when he still wants to be held, he will scream. If I'm holding him in my lap and I do not allow him to touch and grab things off the table or desk that we are sitting at, he will squirm and twist his body around and throw a little fit about it

Is there any way to correct this problem, or is he too young? I know he cannot talk, and so this is his way of communicating and expressing his feelings, but nonetheless, I don't want him to think that it is appropriate.

Thank you to all for any advice and words of wisdom.