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Bangoo james

Soul Mates versus Arranged Marriages

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I am a 20 young christian electrical engineer (studying at a Polytechnic University + working in Electrical Power Systems) from Europe, and I want to ask you for some godly advice concerning marriage, more exactly arranged marriages.

First of all, before I say something about this, I want to ask if God has picked a spouse for everyone. The idea for me is that there is no specific Bible verse or passage that speaks of God picking specific persons for us to marry. There are four examples, Adam, Isaac, Hosea and Joseph, concerning God arranging marriages but all of these were special circumstances and I don't see how can we build a doctrine on special interventios of God to stipulate that He arranges marriages. The Bible speaks of finding wife but it also says that a good spouse is a gift from God. Apostle Paul says if someone decides freely in his heart then to marry his duaghter and in the following verse he also says that if someone single decides the same then he also should get married. Moreover, God through the Holy Spirit advised us to choose not to marry, saying that he who marries does god but he who not does better because he is concerned with God's work and not with pleasing a spouse. He also wants to spare us from the hardship of marriage and life. He recommends us virginity and celibacy and seeking the Kingdom but also encourages us to marry due to immorality. I for one don't have this gift and I know for sure that I can't stand to be single in celibacy so I will get married. Moreover, Bible talks about Abraham taking a wife, Judah taking a wife etc. Proverbs 31 was written for helping young men find a good godly wife. I agree that God guides us through the Holy Spirit and gives us wisdom to seek and find a wife. The Bible says that we should inform God of our plans and intentions and He will bring things to pass. But it is one thing to say that God guides us and something else to say that He is picking spouses for everyone. It is certain for me that the story of soul mates is mythical and originates from movies, romantic novels and from Plato's philosophy. There are some logical problems I find with this issue. If God picks someone for everybody what happens if the person dies? Isn't the story of soul mates wrong? Because Bible encourages remarrying after the spouse's death. But what if one chooses the life of celibacy even if he is not gifted with this? What will happen than? What's the point of love then if God arranges everything? Who is to blame because so many young men and women are not yet married and is not sure that they will ever be? And moreover the Bible says that love is a choice and not a sentiment based on feelings. It involves feelings but basicaly is not this. It is strange because if we carefully put into action the biblical pattern for love and marriage roles described by Paul then we could get married with anyone and have the most happiest marriage from all times. And if we're honest, I think that in the end everybody chooses freely to marry with someone not because God said them to do so. There are examples of people that are saying that their marriaged was arranged by God and I don't know what to say than just affirm that there is no biblical support that God promised or sweared to us that He will arrange our marriages. Better is to say that God is guiding them through the Holy Spirit and helping in the process of finding someone to marry. In the end, if God arranges marriages shouldn't be them perfect? Why is that that these are not?
I am saying all these to you because as I've said I am on the point of having an arranged marriage and I am very concerned to do God's will in my life. It was not our parents idea of arranged marriage, but ours: we at some point in life (each one individually) told our parents to look for a spouse for us and from this particular point things evolved until her parents found me and my parents found her. It is not a forced marriage neither from me nor from her. We have freely decided to marry each other and there is no pressure from our parents to act this way so we are not forced into marriage.
I want to kindly ask for some godly advice concerning this idea that God has specific persons in His mind for us. It would be against God's will if we would have an arranged marriage? From what Scripture says I think not and more than that there is good biblical suport that God will bless our marriage giving the fact that we will be marrying in the Lord. 
Thank you for your attention and I hope that we will be in touch very soon. I am looking forward for your answer.
Yours sincerely,
Stephen

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1 hour ago, Bangoo james said:

In the end, if God arranges marriages shouldn't be them perfect? Why is that that these are not?

Hello Bangoo James and welcome! I hope you find some good advice on this forum.

I'm not married, but I feel if God really put that special person in your life to marry, then that is a great thing, even though it won't be perfect. I think what's more important is knowing that God is, and that His glory can be shown to the world by your love for Him and each other. How much better could it really get on earth? Maybe having children and grandchildren that also become saved and live holy lives that glorify Jesus' name?

Proverbs 20:7   "The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him."

I met a couple from India once that were an arranged marriage, they got to meet each other for 5 minutes once before they got married, It was completely decided by the parents. That's sounds a lot different than your story. 

Edited by Wmccarthy99

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The examples you cite of arranged marriages indicates that God is not against the concetpt.

It is not the normal way in many societies, and indeed I married the woman of my choice based on my feelings of love (and a conviction that the Lord brought us together).

I do see one advantage of arranged marriages - you know from the start that you have to work at it, that it won't all be easy.

Many people get married based on romantic love thinking it will always be that way, but it is not. That's when people often get divorced - when the "love" stops. They don't undetstand that real love is more than feelings and marriage takes work to make it work.

Having said that, we do not intend to arrange our kids marriages, but we have been trying to teach them that a godly marriage takes hard work, and real love grows from that effort (with a lot of help from the Lord.)

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I am a 20 young christian electrical engineer (studying at a Polytechnic University + working in Electrical Power Systems) from Europe, and I want to ask you for some godly advice concerning marriage, more exactly arranged marriages.

First of all, before I say something about this, I want to ask if God has picked a spouse for everyone. The idea for me is that there is no specific Bible verse or passage that speaks of God picking specific persons for us to marry. There are four examples, Adam, Isaac, Hosea and Joseph, concerning God arranging marriages but all of these were special circumstances and I don't see how can we build a doctrine on special interventios of God to stipulate that He arranges marriages. The Bible speaks of finding wife but it also says that a good spouse is a gift from God. Apostle Paul says if someone decides freely in his heart then to marry his duaghter and in the following verse he also says that if someone single decides the same then he also should get married. Moreover, God through the Holy Spirit advised us to choose not to marry, saying that he who marries does god but he who not does better because he is concerned with God's work and not with pleasing a spouse. He also wants to spare us from the hardship of marriage and life. He recommends us virginity and celibacy and seeking the Kingdom but also encourages us to marry due to immorality. I for one don't have this gift and I know for sure that I can't stand to be single in celibacy so I will get married. Moreover, Bible talks about Abraham taking a wife, Judah taking a wife etc. Proverbs 31 was written for helping young men find a good godly wife. I agree that God guides us through the Holy Spirit and gives us wisdom to seek and find a wife. The Bible says that we should inform God of our plans and intentions and He will bring things to pass. But it is one thing to say that God guides us and something else to say that He is picking spouses for everyone. It is certain for me that the story of soul mates is mythical and originates from movies, romantic novels and from Plato's philosophy. There are some logical problems I find with this issue. If God picks someone for everybody what happens if the person dies? Isn't the story of soul mates wrong? Because Bible encourages remarrying after the spouse's death. But what if one chooses the life of celibacy even if he is not gifted with this? What will happen than? What's the point of love then if God arranges everything? Who is to blame because so many young men and women are not yet married and is not sure that they will ever be? And moreover the Bible says that love is a choice and not a sentiment based on feelings. It involves feelings but basicaly is not this. It is strange because if we carefully put into action the biblical pattern for love and marriage roles described by Paul then we could get married with anyone and have the most happiest marriage from all times. And if we're honest, I think that in the end everybody chooses freely to marry with someone not because God said them to do so. There are examples of people that are saying that their marriaged was arranged by God and I don't know what to say than just affirm that there is no biblical support that God promised or sweared to us that He will arrange our marriages. Better is to say that God is guiding them through the Holy Spirit and helping in the process of finding someone to marry. In the end, if God arranges marriages shouldn't be them perfect? Why is that that these are not?
I am saying all these to you because as I've said I am on the point of having an arranged marriage and I am very concerned to do God's will in my life. It was not our parents idea of arranged marriage, but ours: we at some point in life (each one individually) told our parents to look for a spouse for us and from this particular point things evolved until her parents found me and my parents found her. It is not a forced marriage neither from me nor from her. We have freely decided to marry each other and there is no pressure from our parents to act this way so we are not forced into marriage.
I want to kindly ask for some godly advice concerning this idea that God has specific persons in His mind for us. It would be against God's will if we would have an arranged marriage? From what Scripture says I think not and more than that there is good biblical suport that God will bless our marriage giving the fact that we will be marrying in the Lord. 
Thank you for your attention and I hope that we will be in touch very soon. I am looking forward for your answer.
Yours sincerely,
Stephen

IMO you are pretty much dead on with what you know already. Go with your idea.

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Realize that if you (and/or) she ask for parents to be on the lookout for a godly spouse and they find one --- and both you and she decide you are wanting to marry one another ------------- that is NOT an arranged marriage. Now if you have NO choice nor say in the matter ----- THAT is an arranged marriage.

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I think one thing we can learn from the Bible is that there is no one particular required way when it comes to finding a spouse. Some people God told who to marry, some had marriages arranged by family or friends (or Pharoah!), some married someone of their own choice (whether with or without parental blessing), some married childhood friends, some married absolute strangers! The only constant we are told is that the person we marry must be a believer - of the same mind when it comes to salvation and doctrine. Your view of marriage & finding a spouse seems to be a very Biblical one.

To be honest, I'm a little jealous of y'all - how neat that your parents got involved and actually found someone for you to marry! That kind of active participation by a single person's family & community is sorely lacking over here.

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I think the reason why arranged marriages also work is because the couple work hard together for the family and for their offsprings. There might not be love at first, but they build love upon the foundations of their marriage,

To be honest, I am a little bit jealous of people who found love within an arranged marriage. I have put love first before fortifying the relationship and it got me nowhere but heartbreak.

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I am a remarried widower. (I was married young at 20 to my wife who was 20 and ultimately died at 37) It took 8 yrs to "find" my present wife. We were nearly in your situation, but let me explain. (I tried to connect with her shortly after my first wife died more on a "friendly" basis via an online dating site due to her heritage. She is a Russian orphan adopted in the USA just a couple towns from me as a toddler. I have always had a huge burden for the Russian people) However, she put me off literally for years. We connected a few times over these 7 or 8 yrs. Chatted via text and I was stood up for a coffee meeting at one point. On and on it goes.... yet again in 2016 we connect and ultimately do meet for Chinese. We had spent about 4 days talking a lot prior to our meeting in person. We spoke more in person at the restaurant and I asked her before we met if I  could simply hold her hand for a moment before we parted. She spent 2 hours literally telling me all the things that were not going to happen. (not getting married, not having kids etc) I proposed. (yup.... right there. 2 1/2 hours after meeting) Once I held her hand I knew I COULD love her. It wasn't "love at first sight". I wasn't lusting after her, but at that point I truly felt led my God to propose and we had both talked at length about "arranged" (by parents/family) marriages. Back centuries ago when kingdoms rose or fell based on opposing countries marrying off their princes and princesses there was a NEED and a desire to MAKE the marriage work. You knew from the start you had to work at it to "save your  country". There is a lot to be said for that level of motivation. Although in your case as I understand it I would see both sets of parents maybe as the "dating site". They brought you two together and you two did the rest. That said: it took her a little over 2 weeks to accept my proposal and did so after Sunday evening church service. (guess it just took God a little longer to communicate with her His wishes). As the story goes: we went on our first "date" March 26 and I proposed. She accepted April 15 and we were married Sept. 05 all in 2016. Just celebrated 3 yrs since we got engaged and now have a 9 month old. We have purposed to love each other. I know you can as well if you go in to marriage knowing you have to WORK to make it work. 

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