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Put Your Bad Jokes Here...

No Nicolaitans

By No Nicolaitans,
in Humor

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2bLikeJesus

2bLikeJesus 999

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A scientist makes a clone of himself, the scientific world is in awe and can't wait to meet him and his clone.  The big day arrives with great pomp and ceremony and the scientist bursting with pride introduces his clone.  His clone begins swearing a cursing worse than any sailor ever dreamed.  The audience is stunned, and the scientist totally loses it because of the humiliation and grabs his clone and tries to throw him out of the top floor window!  They wrestle him to the ground before he succeeds and charge him with.....

Attempting to make an obscene clone fall.

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DaveW

DaveW 4,119

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On Sunday, June 26, 2016 at 11:25 AM, HappyChristian said:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

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Wait for it...

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Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

:nuts::nuts::nuts:

Did you get clearance to use that joke?

The reason I ask is that it is quite clearly a "Dad joke", and it would definitely require official clearance for a "non-dad" to use it in this manner.......:huh::P:lol:

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HappyChristian

HappyChristian 3,684

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11 hours ago, DaveW said:

Did you get clearance to use that joke?

The reason I ask is that it is quite clearly a "Dad joke", and it would definitely require official clearance for a "non-dad" to use it in this manner.......:huh::P:lol:

:laff cry:

 

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Brother Stafford

Brother Stafford 385

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I wonder if, when you get dehydrated in Rome, the nurse gives you a four of saline.

(Think about it... it'll come to you)

Two chemists walk into a bar.  One chemist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O" and drinks it down.  The other chemist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O too," drinks it down and dies a painful death.

On July 18, 2016 at 11:42 PM, heartstrings said:

What were Lot's last words to his wife?

"is someone following us?"

I almost snarfed my water when I read that!  If I may, I would like to add that to my permanent collection.

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Brother Stafford

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Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

 

There are 10 kinds of people in this world:  Those who understand binary and those who don't

Edited by Brother Stafford
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Brother Stafford

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When I was a boy, there was a goofy old married couple named Rhudy and Barb Pennypot.  They were master gardeners. They were the ones who, through cross-breeding, invented a wonderful vegetable they named after themselves called Rhubarb.  Sadly, they divorced when I was a teenager and Rhudy married a woman named Wanda a few years later.  They invented their own vegetable too and named it Rhuwanda, but it didn't go over very well.

Edited by Brother Stafford
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Musician4God1611

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Why couldn't Susie ride a bike?

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Because Susie didn't have any arms.

...........................

Knock Knock.

(Who's There?)

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Not Susie!

 

Ok so this one's a little messed up but it always gets a good reaction out of people.

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DaveW

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I can cut through wood just by looking at it!

I know it is hard to believe. 

I didn't believe it myself.

But I saw it with my own eyes...........

 

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DaveW

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An infinite line of mathematicians walks into a bar.

The first one say to the barman "I would like one glass of milk please (dirty glass of course).

The barman looks at the second who says "I will have half of what he is having thanks". And the third in line says "and I will have have half of what the second is having thanks".

The barnan looks at the line disappearing out the door and down the street,  thinks for a moment, pours two glasses of milk and says to the mathematicians " there you are - you can work it out for yourselves."

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Brother Stafford

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The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

Edited by Brother Stafford
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heartstrings

heartstrings 2,377

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Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on the porch together, rocking. After some time, grandma looks over at grandpa, smiles, and says "I sure and proud of you". Grandpa cupped his ear, turned and said "what did ya say?". Grandma says a little louder "I said I sure am proud of you".

Grandpa- "Huh?"

Grandma "I'm PROUD OF YOU"

Grandpa "Well I'm TIRED OF YOU TOO"

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Jim_Alaska

Jim_Alaska 2,386

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Mother to young son; "Billy, do you know what God's name is?"

Billy; "Yes mom, his name is Andy."

Mom; " Now Billy, what in the world would ever make you think that God's name is Andy?"

Billy; " Oh mom, we sing about it in our song book: Andy walks with me Andy he talks with me."

If you heard it before please be gentle, I'm old. ;)

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Brother Stafford

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12 minutes ago, Jim_Alaska said:

You are right on the ball for early morning Bro. Stafford. That one is probably older than I am. :)

There were Giants in those days as well.

Then there's this:

And Abner said to Joab, "Let the young men...arise and play before us" (II Samuel 2:14)

...[and] all the people rose up... (Exodus 33:8)

And Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud was the recorder; and Sheva was scribe... (II Samuel 20:24-25)

And they said unto Jephthah, "Come and be our [Captain]" (Judges 11:6)

...and he measured two lines... (II Samuel 8:2)

And he set the bases... (I Kings 7:39)

And they stood every man in his place round about the camp (Judges 7:21)

...behold, Rebekah came forth with her pitcher... (Genesis 24:45)

Ehud...the Benjamite, a man left-handed ... (Judges 3:15)

...the children of Israel ...said "Who shall go up for us first...?" (Judges 20:18)

...seek out a man who is a skillful player... (I Samuel 16:16)

...Judah [shall go up] first... (Judges 20:18)

[And] Judah took... (Judges 1:18)

Three times... (Exodus 23:14)

...and...it was good. (Genesis 1:10)

...and Abram went down... (Genesis 12:10)

...out at the base... (Leviticus 4:18)

And Moses...smote... (Exodus 7:20)

...and... [it] became foul... (Exodus 7:21)

And Moses went out... (Numbers 11:24)

...and none came in. (Joshua 6:1)

And there was not a man left... (Joshua 8:17)

And Miriam was shut out... (Numbers 12:15)

And the children of Benjamin went out... (Judges 20:31)

...and went into the field ... (Numbers 22:23)

And...Aaron waved... (Leviticus 9:21)

And he looked this way and that way... (Exodus 2:12)

...and [he] delivered up... (Numbers 21:3)

...and they ran as soon as he had stretched out his hand... (Joshua 8:19)

...and they fell on their faces to the ground... (Judges 13:20)

Get thee up; wherefore now art thou fallen upon thy face? (Joshua 7:10)

...for it was an error... (Numbers 15:25)

...second and third... (Genesis 6:16)

And Joseph [spoke]... (Genesis 45:3)

...concerning the error which he committed... (Leviticus 5:18)

...make [an] atonement for thyself... (Leviticus 9:7)

Thou shalt fan them... (Isaiah 41:16)

Then Joseph commanded to filltheir...sack... (Genesis 42:25)

and...all the people saw it [and] they shouted... (Leviticus 9:24)

"Who can stand before the [Giants]?" (Deuteronomy 9:2)

and...Aaron waved... (Leviticus 9:21)

...and pitched on the other side... (Numbers 21:13)

...and suffered not a man to pass... (Judges 3:28)

...but...the seventh... (Exodus 31:15)

Gideon...smote... (Judges 8:11)

...Israel...at...first... (Jeremiah 33:7)

And Noah went in... (Genesis 7:7)

And there ran a young man ... (Numbers 11:27)

...he turned and went back... (Judges 18:26)

...unto the base... (Numbers 8:4)

...Noah walked... (Genesis 6:9)

Let us go and sacrifice... (Exodus 5:8)

And Moses lifted up his hand and smote... with his rod... (Numbers 20:11)

...the...hide... (Leviticus 20:4)

...a long blast... (Joshua 6:5)

...[outside] the camp... (Judges 7:17)

...[for] an 'omer... (Exodus 16:36)

And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted... (1 Samuel 17:52)

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