What to do with an unrepentant adulterer spouse

[John81]

does seeking justice makes me carnal or wordily? I think not.

That would depend upon what you mean by justice and what your motivation is.

[Grace&Mercy]

what I wanted is to correct my wife ......if she won't listen to any reasonable, good, biblical counsel......then my last course of action is giving her the rightful punishment that might get her to realize her sin and repent of her evil ways.

the motivation for seeking justice is correction......because right now she is using my love for her against me, I felt that somehow I have contributed into spoiling her by keeping her secret from the law. She makes me feel like I'm now her accomplice when I just wanted her to enlighten her so and avoid the consequence of her sin.

she is like a child who will not learn her lesson unless she gets a disciplinary action.  Im not really into this justice & punishment but her attitude & action is getting worst.....now Im leaning more that she really needs chastening get her back on track with God.

For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. Proverbs 3:12

Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty:Job 5:17

[John81]

What does Scripture say about Christians taking other Christians before secular law?

Church discipline is designed to correct and restore, not secular law.

If she needs chastening she needs God's chastening and in His timing.

Seeking secular punishment for your wife isn't your last course of action. You still have the option of choosing to obey God yourself (choosing to be and live as the husband, dad, man of God Scripture calls you to be), keeping this matter in constant prayer, and casting this burden upon the Lord, trusting Him to perfectly handle the situation in His perfect timing.

As difficult as it can be, we are called to live our lives on a much different, higher level than that of the lost world.

In many of your posts you have focused upon how this situation makes you feel, how it might make you look to others, of harboring sins of fear, hate, bitterness and murder in your heart. Those are all matters directly in opposition to God. Facing your wife's sins by delving into sin yourself can only lead to greater calamity, not healing, not correction, not restoration, not the will of God.

If you are not dealing with you own sins in this matter you can't properly help your wife deal with hers.

The marriages which survive this sort of thing are the ones which are saved by reliance upon God. For the vast majority that began with one spouse determining not to be pushed by the world, the flesh or the devil into wrong or sinful means, but to trust God, spend time in His Word and prayer, living as God commands, and watching as the Lord works His wonders in the heart of their spouse, their relationship, their marriage.

Those who went before secular law saw their marriages destroyed, their relationship and testimony ruined, with exceedingly long lasting damage to their children and others.

God's will and eternity are infinitely more important than our will and temporary time.

[trapperhoney]

I would like to interject a female's take on this.  I am in NO WAY justifying what your wife did, I want to try to explain why she may have got caught up in this sin.  Usually a woman gets involved in an affair because she no longer feels valued by her husband.  Men tend to take their wives for granted.  I would suspect that in a Muslim country, where women and considered little more than property, there would be an even greater danger of this.  I have no way of knowing what your relationship was like, so I am not accusing you of ignoring your wife, but men can do things, or not do things, that women misinterpret and blow out of proportion.  My suggestion to you is try to win back your wife's heart.  What was it that attracted her to you in the first place?  What was it that endeared you to her?  What did she fall in love with about you?  Start from the beginning and "court" her all over again.  Do not let your temper get the best of you.  Always speak to her in love, kindness.  Return her ugliness with more love.  Also, enlist grounded Christian friends to join you in praying for her, that God will touch her heart and begin the healing process so she will be open to renewing your relationship.  My husband and I have a friend who after five years of marriage his wife quit going to church and refused to be a good wife at home.  Soon he came to the realization that despite having made a profession of faith as a child, she was not truly saved and she had become disillusioned with the life.  She was giving up all pretense of being a Christian.  He began praying.  He began meeting weekly with his pastor and they prayed together for her.  After three years she also came to the realization that she needed Christ in her life and got saved.  After that their relationship blossomed again.  She became the dutiful and loving wife and mother he wanted her to be.  This friend, while he was praying, made an effort everyday to demonstrate the love of Christ to his wife in all he said and did and how he treated her.  Ask the Lord to show you what to do and say that will touch her heart.  Ask him to change you to being the kind of husband He wants you to be.  Read the Bible carefully and learn what is expected of a godly husband, then start putting it to work in your life.  The only person you can change is you. The only thing that can truly change this situation is prayer and the working of God in her life. I would also suggest that you get a group of friends to commit to joining you in prayer for this situation and designate particular day and time once a week where all of you will be praying at the same time.  It isn't a "magic formula" but the Bible does say that where two or three are together He will be in their midst, and I think it will give you added comfort to know that at that exact moment there are others joining with you in prayer.  I will certainly be praying for you and your wife. 

[Grace&Mercy]

What does Scripture say about Christians taking other Christians before secular law?

Church discipline is designed to correct and restore, not secular law.

If she needs chastening she needs God's chastening and in His timing.

Seeking secular punishment for your wife isn't your last course of action. You still have the option of choosing to obey God yourself (choosing to be and live as the husband, dad, man of God Scripture calls you to be), keeping this matter in constant prayer, and casting this burden upon the Lord, trusting Him to perfectly handle the situation in His perfect timing.

As difficult as it can be, we are called to live our lives on a much different, higher level than that of the lost world.

In many of your posts you have focused upon how this situation makes you feel, how it might make you look to others, of harboring sins of fear, hate, bitterness and murder in your heart. Those are all matters directly in opposition to God. Facing your wife's sins by delving into sin yourself can only lead to greater calamity, not healing, not correction, not restoration, not the will of God.

If you are not dealing with you own sins in this matter you can't properly help your wife deal with hers.

The marriages which survive this sort of thing are the ones which are saved by reliance upon God. For the vast majority that began with one spouse determining not to be pushed by the world, the flesh or the devil into wrong or sinful means, but to trust God, spend time in His Word and prayer, living as God commands, and watching as the Lord works His wonders in the heart of their spouse, their relationship, their marriage.

Those who went before secular law saw their marriages destroyed, their relationship and testimony ruined, with exceedingly long lasting damage to their children and others.

God's will and eternity are infinitely more important than our will and temporary time.

I agree and I admit I'm on my spiritual lowest point now right now, my flesh is creeping for me to seek revenge, there's a constant battle in my mind, often Im confused and disoriented one reason I avoid sharing my thoughts on a personal level to fellow believers   

but worst case scenario:

what if I saw them in the act defiling our bed in my own house…….I can't be angry?  If I barged in our own room that would be rude and unchristian of me?  should I just go to the other room to pray silently for both of them?  or turn the other cheek by cooking and serving them breakfast on bed?  or maybe ask the guy if he wants my daughter too? he already have my wife why not take my daughter too?  and if I annoy you too much my gun is under the pillow just shot me if it will please you?

church discipline: go to the pastor and pray without ceasing while they do the deed as often as they would like……..? I know that prayers is definitely important and vital BUT without proper action and handling of the matter is also a disservice to God and does not bode  well for a christian testimony.  evil for good right?

yup I'm being sarcastic because I can't seem to get where is the balance and practical application for all of these mess on my life. Im searching how to balance my situation and apply (Matt. 10:16) and the rest of God's command in it's right context, please enlighten me on these applications.

brother you being a more spiritual man than I am….what would you do if this has happened to you? 

 

[John81]

Is it your job or God's to make sure peoples sins are exposed and punished? If you report the adultery is your wife going to face a Christian judge who will deal with her in accord with the New Testament?

Scripture tells us we should be willing to suffer loss rather than to take our matters before a heathen court.

What serves Christ and His Kingdom? That's the question to ask. Not how will this benefit me or make me feel better or make me look.

Forgiveness is so important Scripture tells us if we refuse to forgive others the Lord will not forgive us.

As far as the Lord is concerned, it doesn't matter if what we face is a minor thing, something very trivial, a large matter or even something we perceive as catastrophic, we are to handle the situation in accord with His Word.

Does God receive more glory when we bump our head in the dark and we refuse to cuss and choose to thank God it didn't hurt worse; or when we are hit with a major trial others can see and we refuse to respond in the flesh and we choose to thank God He is with us through the valley and we trust following Him will bring us to where God wants us to be?

It's not a matter of being "a more spiritual man", it's a matter of choice and no matter our stage of spiritual maturity we are all faced with choices, some small, some great, which require us to decide if we are going to walk by faith or follow the world, the flesh and the devil.

[trapperhoney]

perhaps reading Hosea would be helpful.

[Grace&Mercy]

I'll better read Hosea; I hope the Holy Spirit reveals to me the true balance of christian living because life on earth is not 100% spiritual, we still eat and drink to be used by God.

see how a christian soldier stationed on war zone obvoiusly can't turn the other cheek for sure; one reason Im looking for advise that is godly, relevant to my situation, applicable and timely.

a drug dependent child will most likely be killed (under God's permissive will) if all his parents do night and day is pray for their child get over the addiction; but no appropriate action is taken no. 

If we saw someone currently trying to kill our child we don't pray first, we act immediately because that is what's needed - see practicality is not bad as long there must be a good balance between the two. 

prayer is has already been given so many times here (i appreciate it) and all of us knows that prayer works; and like missions that will not be successful without support from christians because missionaries eat and drink also they need shelter and all these requires money from christians to prosper. We don't just pray for our missionaries we support them all the way.

by the way I'm not going to the authorities for this problem; thanks your for enlightenment and encouragement.

[John81]

I'll better read Hosea; I hope the Holy Spirit reveals to me the true balance of christian living because life on earth is not 100% spiritual, we still eat and drink to be used by God.

see how a christian soldier stationed on war zone obvoiusly can't turn the other cheek for sure; one reason Im looking for advise that is godly, relevant to my situation, applicable and timely.

a drug dependent child will most likely be killed (under God's permissive will) if all his parents do night and day is pray for their child get over the addiction; but no appropriate action is taken no. 

If we saw someone currently trying to kill our child we don't pray first, we act immediately because that is what's needed - see practicality is not bad as long there must be a good balance between the two. 

prayer is has already been given so many times here (i appreciate it) and all of us knows that prayer works; and like missions that will not be successful without support from christians because missionaries eat and drink also they need shelter and all these requires money from christians to prosper. We don't just pray for our missionaries we support them all the way.

by the way I'm not going to the authorities for this problem; thanks your for enlightenment and encouragement.

Those things you bring up are oranges to your apple and don't compare.

Scripture tells us how we are to live our lives. No matter what our life situation, our first duty is to obey God on our part. Scripture tells us how we as men are to live, how we are to live as husbands and dads. Scripture also tells us if we have a spouse that's not living right it's our example of living right that may help them to repent. These are the "actions" God calls us to. Even in action, as God calls us to, it's 100% spiritual even when involving the physical. Our battle is spiritual, as Scripture says. The actions we are to take all involve the Holy Spirit and any action which confronts or involves any aspect of sin places us in battle with the spiritual forces of wickedness. It's not a matter of facing things in a spiritual matter and/or a physical way, because all things we engage in involves the spiritual.

You have to decide if you want to try and save your marriage or divorce your wife. You need to be clear minded and be sure you are doing this for godly reasons, not selfish or fleshly reasons, Then you need to proceed with your decision in a godly manner. Again, Scripture sets forth the manner in which we are to conduct ourselves in this and all things. Our flesh may resist, want it's own way, the devil will try to turn us towards doing things a way other than Gods, but the only right way is God's way.

If you are willing to open your New Testament, read and study how a Christian man is to live, pray for help in doing so, then your answers are right there. Any action taken outside of that will not be the best action. Trust God and He will work all things together for good in His perfect timing.

[Grace&Mercy]

after almost a year I am still alive by God's grace have not committed revenge as my flesh wanted me and sometimes I still feel the need to have it.

honestly at first I thought I would die or at some point and I have wished for a natural death or my wife poisoning me would be best to ease my emotional pain.

BUT God did not let it to happen.

 

few things I realised or fortified my faith:

1. God is the only person I can trust & depend on, we cannot trust anyone because humans change and destined to fail us one way or another. Not my family, church and friends  we even fail ourselves so NO ONE but God is to be trusted

2. It is very hard to follow God's will & commandments; I wrestle with my flesh everyday

3. This is my version of "torn in the flesh" to make me grounded and forever relying on God's grace. -I don't see my problem going away soon and Im in for a long ride 

4. My (our) purpose in life is not to be "happy" or pursue happiness by world standards but to give glory, honour & power to my God & saviour Revelations 4:11  He is the potter and I am the clay being shaped according to His liking - I am being upgraded by God for His glory

5. I believe that somehow God gave me the privilege of peeking into His feelings every time we His people, His love, the redeemed betrays Him.  I have a much better understanding how God is long-suffering because of my sins. 

 

just an update & thanks for all the prayers:

We are still on the same house but sleeping on different room, my son is still unaware of the sensitive detail of our family problem, my son btw is now the top 1 on his class (section) for 3 consecutive grading now I hope till the final grading He will excel because currently he is 6th overall (entire grade 6).  We are still going on the same church IBBC, I am now teaching bible study once a month and currently enrolled for a satellite bible school, My wife shies away from her ministry which is sad but at least she still attends church. Communication is minimal on my part it feels awkward now, I don't want to make stupid mistake or remark or react in a bad way when provoked by her which I feel she does overtime we speak.  Financially huge change as well: before I used to give everything to her but now I asked her to share 50% on house rent and household bills but I still pay 100% for my sons education.

I have forgiven her when we talked with our pastor to kick-off 2016. I will do my best never bring back her past offence. Now it's an everyday struggle to be with my wife, I feel unsecured around her the sting of her deed goes back every time she spat on my face on every occasion I tried to extend my hand for reconciliation or some simple act of kindness being ignored.

there are times that satan is attacking; making me think how pathetic I am, a loser, a laughing stock., a victim etc.  but God is still good to me and preserved my life thru all these. I would rather count my blessing and look how my God gave me a peek on His own dealings with his people.

Still To God be the glory & He is truly a merciful God despite of our everyday sin and unreturned love.

[John81]

Brother, that is a terrible trial to go through but the fact you are still walking with the Lord and growing in Christ are very good signs. We all struggle with the flesh, it's a daily battle for us all. The thing to take note of is your continuation to battle rather than give in. It's far easier to give in to the flesh, it takes determination, effort and relying upon the Lord to battle the flesh.

I commend you for leaning upon the Lord, allowing the Lord to instruct and grow you. The devil will always condemn us, using whatever means he can best try to hit us with. We have to remember Scripture tells us there is now NO CONDEMNATION to those in Christ (Romans 8:1).

If I understand your post correctly your wife has repented of her sins and you have forgiven her. You are still living together but sleeping in separate beds and there is tension between you two. Does your wife wish to reconcile, rebuild and grow your marriage? As difficult as it is, show her love, compassion and kindness. Be continually in prayer with the Lord for restoration. Be sure to not only pray the Lord would do a work in her heart, but yours also.

Praise God your son is doing well!

I'm sorry for this ordeal you have gone through and continue to deal with. There are no easy answers, but there is one right answer to this and all problems and trials we each face, and that is to trust in the Lord, lean upon Him, seek His direction, guidance, protection and provision. You indicate this is what you are doing, and trying to do even when things seem most difficult. Remember our real battle is spiritual. Fight the good fight of faith in the spiritual realm as Scripture says.

My prayers go forth for you and your family.

Thank you for the update.

[heartstrings]

 

after almost a year I am still alive by God's grace have not committed revenge as my flesh wanted me and sometimes I still feel the need to have it.

honestly at first I thought I would die or at some point and I have wished for a natural death or my wife poisoning me would be best to ease my emotional pain.

BUT God did not let it to happen.

 

few things I realised or fortified my faith:

1. God is the only person I can trust & depend on, we cannot trust anyone because humans change and destined to fail us one way or another. Not my family, church and friends  we even fail ourselves so NO ONE but God is to be trusted

2. It is very hard to follow God's will & commandments; I wrestle with my flesh everyday

3. This is my version of "torn in the flesh" to make me grounded and forever relying on God's grace. -I don't see my problem going away soon and Im in for a long ride 

4. My (our) purpose in life is not to be "happy" or pursue happiness by world standards but to give glory, honour & power to my God & saviour  One of the ways we "give glory to God" is by being full of joy "rejoicing evermore" the Bible says. That way people can want what we have while we ENJOY life at the same time. Jesus wants our joy to "be full". Revelations 4:11  He is the potter and I am the clay being shaped according to His liking - I am being upgraded by God for His glory

5. I believe that somehow God gave me the privilege of peeking into His feelings every time we His people, His love, the redeemed betrays Him.  I have a much better understanding how God is long-suffering because of my sins. 

 

just an update & thanks for all the prayers:

We are still on the same house but sleeping on different room, Is this by "mutual consent"?  my son is still unaware of the sensitive detail of our family problem, my son btw is now the top 1 on his class (section) for 3 consecutive grading now I hope till the final grading He will excel because currently he is 6th overall (entire grade 6).  We are still going on the same church IBBC, I am now teaching bible study once a month and currently enrolled for a satellite bible school, My wife shies away from her ministry which is sad but at least she still attends church. Communication is minimal on my part it feels awkward now, I don't want to make stupid mistake or remark or react in a bad way when provoked by her which I feel she does overtime we speak.  Financially huge change as well: before I used to give everything to her but now I asked her to share 50% on house rent and household bills but I still pay 100% for my sons education.

I have forgiven her when we talked with our pastor to kick-off 2016. I will do my best never bring back her past offence. Now it's an everyday struggle to be with my wife, I feel unsecured around her the sting of her deed goes back every time she spat on my face on every occasion I tried to extend my hand for reconciliation or some simple act of kindness being ignored. I have found, In my own life, that what is best for me is to keep showing kindness to them, while focusing positive thoughts on something else constructive, and let God take care of the things I am incapable of.

there are times that satan is attacking; making me think how pathetic I am, a loser, a laughing stock., a victim etc.  but God is still good to me and preserved my life thru all these. I would rather count my blessing and look how my God gave me a peek on His own dealings with his people.

Still To God be the glory & He is truly a merciful God despite of our everyday sin and unreturned love.

 

Edited March 28, 2016 by heartstrings

[swathdiver]

How often do y'all sit at the table and read the bible together?

[2ndTimothy]

I have a couple of things to add here and couple of questions. I say this as someone who is also in the situation you describe, except  I was the perpetrator. I have now for years experienced the wonderful grace, mercy and love of God through my Godly wife. It is not always easy for her and there are consequences of sin but each day is a new gift and an opportunity to 1) obey God and bring glory to Him and 2) strive to be worthy of trust and love offered. I praise God for where we are in our marriage. As humans we cannot forgive and forget like God. We can remember that  the offense was forgiven. We  were all unrepentant sinners at one time.

After Paul prays that we would realize the unlimited height and breadth and depth of love in Eph. 3 he goes on to say (verse 20 and 21) " Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. Unto Him be the glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end . Amen."

I would suggest you apply this verse to what God can do in YOUR life pertaining to your walk with Him, then apply the same verse to your expectations of your wife and marriage.

He can do far more with a situation then we can imagine IF we don't limit him in our lives.

Question . Would God receive more glory and praise if a marriage were restored than if a divorce was initiated?

Question. In the story of the prodigal son, how does your wife perceive you? The forgiving loving Father? Or the older brother wanting "justice"?

1/2 a year (only 180 days) is but a breath of time in a lifetime and less than that in eternity.

 

 

[Jbbrack03]

I just finished reading this thread, and I really appreciate a lot of the counsel that was shared here. I am in a similar boat to the OP. I've been with my wife for seven years and we now have three children. I was raised in a strong Christian home, but I strayed when I entered my early 20's. I never really did anything that I would label as "bad", but I didn't actively pursue Christ. When I married my wife, she told me that she was looking for a Godly man. She was just beginning her walk at that time. I didn't blow her off, but I didn't step up and lead my family spiritually either. She would take the kids to church every week, and I would stay home and watch football. I always treated her well, and I didn't really notice that she was beginning to struggle. A few years ago, we had a disagreement over something, and she took the kids and traveled from Georgia to Ohio to be near her family. After a few days of silence, she called and we talked. She revealed to me that a few years back, she had started feeling detached an lonely, and that she had slept with both a neighbor and a family friend. This was the definition of "out of nowhere" and it was like a knife to my heart. It was also an awakening for me. I began to pursue God again and I was able to tell my wife that I forgave her and wanted to start anew with her. She came back home, and things seemed like they were improving for about a month. That was when we found out that we were expecting our third child. This was a surprisingly devastating blow for my wife. She abruptly decided that she didn't love me anymore and that she didn't want to have a baby. We struggled on a daily basis for a good month. She threatened every day to go to an abortion clinic, and even called and setup appointments for them a few times. She became extremely hostile and distant. Thankfully she reached the point that having an abortion wasn't really an option anymore, and she calmed down a bit. She still really struggled with her feelings and emotions and she also began questioning whether she really believed in God or not. She would claim that she still believed in God, but that it was "her" sort of God (the one that allowed her to ignore the parts of the Bible that clashed with whatever she wanted to do at a given moment). During this period of time, I continued to work on my relationship with God, and I really tried to become a Godly husband to my wife. I made my life into an effort to show her love and connect with her. It didn't matter much to her. She felt that I had taken her for granted for too long, and that the changes in my life had come too late. She didn't doubt my changes, but she was no longer interested in putting effort into us. So fast forward a little bit. Our son is born and it's generally a pretty happy time for my family. My wife tells me that she's extremely grateful that I didn't let her follow through with the abortion. Her mood seems to get better and things seemed to be improving with us. At this point, I ran across something that froze my heart. She had asked me to grab her phone for her. I grabbed it, and noticed a rather flirty text message on her lock screen from a male family friend. It was really suggestive and it made my blood run cold. I confronted her with it, and she told me that it meant nothing and that she's a little flirty with quite a few of our friends (it's just how she talks according to her). I kept my cool and I explained that this is something that crosses the line in a marriage, and that we shouldn't have relationships with other people like this (especially given our history). She seemed to take me seriously and things went back to seeming pretty normal for another month or so. Again there was a night where she asked me to bring her her phone. Again I saw a suggestive text message from the same guy on her lock screen. This time I took a look and noticed that she had deleted her text message history for this guy. I confronted her again, and explained that it was very disappointing to find that she hadn't taken me seriously when we had talked about this before. I also expressed that it was very painful to see that she was having conversations with this man that she felt were inappropriate enough that they needed to be hidden. I reiterrated that continuing an inappropriate relationship and being sneaky about it was extremely destructive to our efforts to rebuild our marriage. I talked to her about how painful it was to see her acting this way. She insists that her relationship with this man is just a common friendship and that she values him because she feels that she can talk to him about anything. She doesn't see the flirty part as meaning anything. She said that she still is deeply hurt by how I took her for granted many years ago, and because of this, she doesn't feel like she can really talk to me or share her feelings with me. It doesn't matter to her that I've been a completely different person for almost two years now. She says that her relationship with this man is more important to her than her marriage to me. She still claims that there is nothing romantic or physical between her and this man, and she doesn't understand that emotionally giving herself to someone else is just as destructive as physical adultery. She said that she will talk to whomever she wants and in any way that she sees fit. This is basically where we are today. 

My first impulse was to treat this as if she was committing adultery with this man and kick her out. I realized a few things after praying about it and thinking. One thing that I realized was that I was wanting to punish her for the pain that she's dragged me through for multiple years now. There is a part of me that wants her to taste just a bit of the suffering that she's inflicted on me. I also just wanted the emotional toil to stop. It's been going on for a long time. I completely understand what the OP meant when he said that it's hard to understand the emotions of infidelity unless you've been through it. It's like nothing that you can experience any other way. 

The biggest realization that I came to after praying was that this whole thing is more about a spiritual battle than anything else. A Godly marriage is a way that God intimately communicates and shows himself to us. It's meant to give us a glimpse of the relationship that God wants to have with his bride. A family that follows God in unity is a force that Satan can't overcome. Satan will come up with a personalized attack for each and every one of us to derail us from our spiritual potential. He will target both our strengths and our weaknesses and look for just the right moment to exploit them. For me, God has called me to be a leader and a servant in my family. It's very difficult for me to be these things when I'm distracted by the things that my wife is doing to us. This sort of thing has the ability to completely consume your thoughts all day and all night. It's also very difficult to serve someone that is actively attacking you. My wife clearly has a weakness for desiring attention outside of our marriage to validate her and fulfill emotional needs. She has a tendency to look to the world to fill her perceived voids rather than work on the hard things within our relationship. 

So for me, I'm actively praying against these specific attacks on my family. I've realized that God has granted me incredible power as the head of my house, and I am going to leverage it against the enemy that is trying to break us. I also started praying for the man that my wife is involved with. It goes against your nature to pray for someone that is trying to break up your family, but God teaches us to pray for our enemies. It also helps to remember that even my enemies are precious to God, and that he wants to bring them back into the fold. As far as what I do while I wait on the Lord, I've turned to Ephesians for guidance. In Ephesians Paul teaches us how to love our wives, and he teaches us about the definition of love and the traits it contains. There is nowhere in his teachings that he tells us to only love our wives when they love us back or do right by us. He teaches us that our wives are the weaker vessel and he teaches us not to deal harshly with them. So I'm doing my best to follow this advice and to pray. And I try desperately hard to hold back my anger and my destructive comments. I'm not naturally an angry person, but these situations have a way of getting under your skin. The nature of being emotionally invested in someone keeps everything close to the surface. If anyone else is reading this and is going through a similar situation, please listen to a little bit of wisdom. The Bible teaches us to die to ourselves (essentially meaning that we need to be keenly aware of when something is just for us, or just to make us feel better). It is incredibly tempting to lash out at someone that treats you so poorly. Your flesh wants them to completely understand the torture that they put you through (and maybe a piece of your mind tells you that if the other person truly understood what they were doing to you, that they would stop). Both of these things are self-serving and based in lies. The truth is that the outbursts only push the other person farther away, and that they don't accomplish any of your goals. You don't really feel better when you're done. Focus your energy more on the true spiritual enemies that are attacking your family. Prepare yourself for spiritual battle like it says in Ephesians and step up and defend your family against what is really going on. This is what God calls men to do and to be. You are the leader of your family, whether your family appreciates and acknowledges it or not. You don't need their permission or approval to step up and fight for them.