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Parenting Advice


GraceSaved

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Biblically, the husband is the head of the house.

 

One mistake couples with blended families often make, and that includes many Christians, is not coming together as one family. Blended or not, when a man and woman marry they become one and their children become theirs.

 

In the best case, the husband and wife would come to agreement regarding any and all of the children. If a mutual agreement cannot be reached, then it falls to the head of the house to make the decision and for the wife to accept that.

 

The children need to know that they are accepted by both parents as their child, that they are loved, and that biological parent and step-parent will stand together in the raising of them.

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Blended families are always difficult to manage.  These issues should have been addressed before marriage.  The step-father needs to go to great lengths to develop that relationship, as you need to develop a good relationship with your step-child. 

As far as "fairness" is concerned - it is overrated.  This world will not treat your child fairly.  LIfe simply is not always fair, so the sooner they learn that, the better off they are. 

My advice to you is to sit down and have a long discussion with your husband about these issues, and try to resolve them.  Point out the difficulties, and demonstrate your willingness to work with him on these issues.  He cannot relinquish his God-given responsibilities.  If he tries to do that, he will only invite more trouble into the home. 

 

This will be difficult no matter how it works out, but as John said, a blended family should drop the "blend" and just be a "family." 

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Difficult questions, - & if there were straightforward answers, there wouldn't needto be questions.

 

We have two divorce with children situations in our family.

 

J2 married a divorcee with 2 children, & mother expected to continue custody. They bought a house need J2's work & arranged schooling. Ex suddenly decided he should have a say in the children's schooling; took the matter to court; lied to the court social worker who interviewed the children in his presence. Ask a six-y-o on her father's lap which parent she would like to live with? & interview a 12 y-o in his father's presence. No cross examination, nor interview in the mother's presence. Ex won the case, & J2 & wife are left with legal fees of £15,000 & a school trip of over 40 miles each way, several times a week - sometimes morning & evening. Son is soon 16, & no longer subject to the court decision - but it's his exam year & they don't want to change schools.

What happens when just daughter is under the court? Approaching puberty & change of schools. Both children & backward, & all that travelling & perpetual tension cannot help. J2 is very happy asa step father, & willing & able to help the kids. Father offers no help. He doesn't go to school open days. Their little girl will soon be 2, & brother & sister are devoted to her. A new baby is on the way.

They aren't believers. Wife's parents are divorced, & the only contact she has had with her father since was at a funeral.

Him - "who are you." She - "I'm your daughter." End of conversation. J2 introduced himself as his future son-i-l.

Her father was a clergyman at the time of the divorce, & became Canon of the CofE Gibraltar diocese. Now retired, living near his daughter in England, but has made no contact. Even to see his grandchildren.

S0 - how does that help ?!??!!?

 

J3 married a Christian girl, daughter of a Methodist minister (who died young) & a mother active in the Methodist Church. They have two children, boy & girl, J3 is very happy with. She suddenly wanted a divorce for no valid reason. The judge summarily rejected her arguments, & split the assets, so J3 was able to buy his own house near enough to have no prOBlem with schools or access. Ex has the children most of the time, but we have stayed with J3 to look after them during the week when mother has been away.

He's now remarried, again a Christian lady - with no children. The children lover her.

S0 - how does that help ?!??!!?

 

Grace, are his children also yours? Presumably born after your remarriage, so any favouritism did not show up for several years. Or, did you both bring children into the marriage. Is it a hers. his & ours situation? Have the other parents, Exs, an interest in their children? 

 

Lord, help Grace & husband see themselves as a single family, & work out these questions together. Give them your wisdom, & your concern. Help them to see that as Christians, they are adopted into one family & so to see that the children are trusted by God to them, & give them the love they need in a difficult situation, & so find blessing. And may the children seek your wisdom also, so that the tensions of growing up may be resolved by mutal love, & salvation. May all be born again into your family, so that parents & children become brothers & sisters in Christ. Amen.

 

 

What sort of issues are involved, where you disagree?

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Here was the situation when I had a blended family.  

I was scripturally spanking my children, but not permitted to spank hers, by court order of other father.  When my kids did something wrong that was worthy of chastisment, rather than just training, it was over in the same day as the infraction and by evening complete fellowship was restored between child and parents...It was over.

 

Ephesians 4:26 (KJV
26  Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 

 

Proverbs 22:15 (KJV

15  Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

 

 Proverbs 29:15 (KJV

15  The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.

 

Her kids however, were "grounded" or had priviledges removed for days, weeks, or even months at a time.  They went to bed "angry" every night with no closure at all and no restored fellowship.  The punishment and infraction was still in their face the next day, week, or month, and they often began their campaign to either shorten the duration of the punishment, or circuMVent (sneak around it) as the devil would have them do.  

 

Ephesians 4:27 (KJV
27  Neither give place to the devil. 

 

It was not long before her kids started begging to be spanked like my kids.  They were envious of the quick punishment and restored fellowship.  Far from it being "unfair" to my kids because they got spanked, it was unfair to them that didn't get spanked.  

 

Now 20 years later there is a marked difference in how both sets of kids turned out as adults in society.  Lets just say that God's way works...

 

Bro. Garry

In His will.  By His power.  For His glory.

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