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jebarr

Unsaved Son's Upcoming Wedding

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Well

I tried to drink the toast, one time, but it was a little too brown and crunchy because it scratched my throat something awful on the way down. If it hadn't been for that little bit of butter and grape jelly, I would have choked for sure.  :biggrin:  :hide:

 

Congrats on the wedding. My Wife and I weren't saved when we got married either. I hope and pray that your kids get saved too. I would not feel comfortable at such a reception, would tell my son so, and leave it at that. I might show up for a minute or two, greet everyone and wish them well, then leave. I would not participate in the "toast" thing.

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Thanks again all for the discussion. All make excellent points and agree that I want to abstain from the appearance of all evil as testimony of my faith in Jesus Christ.  I personally stay out of the alcohol aisles at grocery stores, but have in the past went to sporting events where it is all around. My saved son once innocently took pictures of the "Clydesdales" at the state fair and posted in on Instagram.  I had to point out to him that in the background one could see "Budweiser" signs and that others could perceive this as him condoning it. He understood and immediately removed the post.

 

Funny Heartstrings about the dry toast! My wife would love if we could use toasted PBJ's to salute their marriage :clapping:

 

I have never had a prOBlem longing for alcohol but I still try to stay away from it as best I can.  Unfortunately like lustful ads and dress it is everywhere in society. Who can even watch the Super Bowl anymore?

 

Does anyone know the meaning behind the toasting?  I mean if we use different glasses with green mountain dew, would that show people that we are not partaking in alcohol or is the very act itself celebrating and advocating alcohol?  I really have no prOBlem sitting there with a smile on my face if that is the case.  I hear these toasts can be brought up at anytime by someone so I do not know if excusing myself and leaving every time is possible but could be good for my exercise :coffee: By the way, are these coffee guys toasting?

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It has been a really long time since I attended a wedding reception where alcohol was served, so perhaps my etiquette is a bit rusty, but is it common now for the groom's family to make a toast? I thought it was typically the best man who toasted, not the parents of the bride and/or groom. I thought if any parents did the toasting, it was the father of the bride who would toast the couple. 

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HI,

 

Our first son is going to marry his fiance this OctOBer.  Unfortunately they are both unsaved and while being a "good boy" he lives a pretty secular lifestyle. My wife and I are not even sure if they are going to allow our pastor to marry them yet as the wedding is at a hotel along with the reception and rehearsal dinner. Our beliefs are known by them and we are paying for the rehearsal dinner with NO money towards alcohol.  I have read that it is customary to "toast" at these rehearsals and of course the wedding reception too.  Is this acceptable in God's eyes if we are drinking water? 

 

At previous weddings we have just skipped this.  But would that be considered rude and cause hurt feelings? also they are having alcohol and a DJ at the reception.  We want no part of either but feel confused about things like the Mother/Son dance and the like. I feel like I know what I should do but am unsure how to preserve hurt feelings or appearing rude?

 

Thanks- Jebarr

Jebarr, My daughter (I expressed joy when she said she was saved...another thread...not so evident today based on scripture) will be married to her lost fiance next year in May.  I payed for the wedding venue already, a chapel where she attends school, I have no idea the name of the preacher or anything about them. The wedding is 1000 miles away where my daughter is completing her education. I know there will be a reception, no details about it yet but, it is over a year away. I most likely will be faced with many of the things you have concern about. 

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It has been a really long time since I attended a wedding reception where alcohol was served, so perhaps my etiquette is a bit rusty, but is it common now for the groom's family to make a toast? I thought it was typically the best man who toasted, not the parents of the bride and/or groom. I thought if any parents did the toasting, it was the father of the bride who would toast the couple. 

 

 

Well we have no intention of offering a toast.  This is our first son's marriage and have no idea fully what to expect.  I have just read that at the Rehearsal Dinner and the Wedding Reception, toasting can be frequently offered so was just looking for advice on how to handle that with good stewardship.

 

Jebarr, My daughter (I expressed joy when she said she was saved...another thread...not so evident today based on scripture) will be married to her lost fiance next year in May.  I payed for the wedding venue already, a chapel where she attends school, I have no idea the name of the preacher or anything about them. The wedding is 1000 miles away where my daughter is completing her education. I know there will be a reception, no details about it yet but, it is over a year away. I most likely will be faced with many of the things you have concern about. 

 

Thank God she has testimony of being saved.  I pray that she returns to the Lord soon.  Your situation is definitely difficult with the distance and you funding the whole wedding. At least perhaps that will give you some control over the content. It is hard when it is our own children who are away from God. We can only pray for them daily and love them.  Offer that you will always be there in a time of need as will Christ.

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Oh, yes, I forgot about the rehearsal dinner. Well, there might be a simple solution to that. Typically the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner. Perhaps you could tell your son that if you are going to host the rehearsal dinner that alcohol will not be served, out of respect for your convictions. Then you could toast with a non-alcoholic beverage and not have it present a confusing testimony, since no one else will be drinking alcohol either.

Edited by JimsHelpmeet

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Well we have no intention of offering a toast.  This is our first son's marriage and have no idea fully what to expect.  I have just read that at the Rehearsal Dinner and the Wedding Reception, toasting can be frequently offered so was just looking for advice on how to handle that with good stewardship.

 

 

Thank God she has testimony of being saved.  I pray that she returns to the Lord soon.  Your situation is definitely difficult with the distance and you funding the whole wedding. At least perhaps that will give you some control over the content. It is hard when it is our own children who are away from God. We can only pray for them daily and love them.  Offer that you will always be there in a time of need as will Christ.

I hope she is saved, however...no root...no fruit...avoids any discussion concerning Jesus Christ or Christianity. So I pray.

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The receptions I've attended in the past, the father/daughter and/ or mother/son dance is done after the bride and groom dance their first dance. You could leave after that when the rock n roll music usually starts. Your idea of toasting and raising your bottled Mt. Dew or whatever will make it clear it's not alcohol. Since reception in a hotel, family and friends that want to visit with you, can come to your room or visit in the lOBby. No reason you have to stay in the reception area to visit.

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If you skip part of the wedding, they may very well never forgive you for that. Some of the biggest regrets I have heard people lament are decisions they made about a wedding that caused irreparable rifts.

Just don't use a wine glass so everyone can tell at a glance you have water. Help choose the dance song so it's not heavy metal or something....and just of course warn that if the party gets too wild you may duck out early. But if you shun the reception...you may not have much witness in the future. I say participate, but keeping your standards in tact. Best of luck.

Oh, the rehearsal dinner....my Christian dad hosted the rehearsal dinner for my Christian brother and his Christian wife, so they had no alcohol...but the wife's family loves drinking. So they were asked to purchase their own alcohol at the restaurant, but none was provided with the dinner.

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For what it's worth, I've drunk plenty of toasts in my day with fruit juice. I might try to choose something that definitely doesn't look like alcohol... But that can be harder than it looks. Once I chose ginger ale because I thought cola looked too much like beer... then realized it prOBably looked like champagne. Sometimes you just can't win. But everybody knows I don't drink, so I don't worry too much about it.

As for anyone who thinks one should avoid such situations altogether, well, my brother is saved, but they had alcohol, rock music and dancing at the wedding. Sometimes you attend anyways - because the people are important.

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While I agree people are important, we have to face the reality that God is more important and Jesus said following Him would cause division within families.

 

As people ourselves, our family should think we are important too and not put us in awkward situations or expect us to compromise our faith for their sake.

 

We've found that taking a firm yet loving and gentle stand in this area is very much akin to the same stand we take with regards to Sunday services. Our family knows that outside of an emergency we will be attending church services every Sunday. In the same way, they also know that certain things going on at weddings, receptions, holiday gatherings, family get-togethers, parties, funerals and such will mean we won't be fully participating.

 

A lost uncle died last year and he wanted everyone to have a wild party after his funeral. While attending the funeral was fine, we would not attend the after funeral gathering which was centered around booze and heavy metal music.

 

Similar has been the case with regards to weddings and receptions.

 

Even if they don't understand or agree, for the most part people at least have a measure of respect for the consistency of our position. That has served as a far greater witness over the years than if we had participated for the sake of temporary feelings.

 

More importantly, our consistent stance has set an example for our children and we've seen that bring forth much good fruit.

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I'm assuming your IFB, if so, I'm shocked your pastor would marry them

 

Yes we are IFB but the son getting married is not saved and has only attended a church as a young teen but it was a more worldly church that did not even impress a need to be saved. My wife and I and two of the younger children were all saved in our IFB church we have been attending for the last 6 or 7 years. 

 

We had a meeting with the preacher to discuss our two unsaved boys' upcoming marriages.  If these were church weddings he would not marry them but since these are both marriages outside the church he said that he did not have a prOBlem doing the wedding but would not attend the reception. 

 

He counseled us to "keep those you love the most close" in that while our sons know our convictions, we should not alienate them but rather love them and pray for them all while keeping our own good testimony and not compromising our convictions.

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Just to follow up on how the wedding went.First of all we put on the rehearsal dinner- no alcohol around- no toasts offered.  Just great food and conversation.  At the wedding everyone had clear water glasses and we just used those when a toast was presented.  There was alcohol all around :thumbdown: and God-awful ear thumping music that made it very difficult to even converse.  We did stay at the hotel and manage to escape to our room for several much needed breaks.  I was able, oddly enough at the reception, to witness and reach out to my wife's widowed aunt about coming to church with us as soon as she moves back to the area this month. :godisgood:

Edited by jebarr

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I realize this is a bit after the fact, but I just heard recently of a toast that was made, not with beverages, but with the favorite candy of both the bride and the groom.  Everyone was given a piece of the candy for those who wanted to participate in the toast.  I thought this was a wonderful alternative to beverage toasts.

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I realize this is a bit after the fact, but I just heard recently of a toast that was made, not with beverages, but with the favorite candy of both the bride and the groom.  Everyone was given a piece of the candy for those who wanted to participate in the toast.  I thought this was a wonderful alternative to beverage toasts.

​Perhaps, but I would imagine that Jelly Babies don't make a very satisfying 'clink' noise.

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I thought I read somewhere that Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding. 

Anyway, a lot of the "traditions" that are involved in a modern wedding are not of Christian origin (or Jewish origin for that matter).

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I realize this is a bit after the fact, but I just heard recently of a toast that was made, not with beverages, but with the favorite candy of both the bride and the groom.  Everyone was given a piece of the candy for those who wanted to participate in the toast.  I thought this was a wonderful alternative to beverage toasts.

That kinda isn't what a toast is, though. A toast by definition must include liquid, although not necessarily alcohol.

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