Situation

[Anon]

Okay I have a situation that I'm pretty sure I'm handling right, its just I would like any feedback and just want to vent. LOL. I'm not mentioning names but if I find out this forum is searchable I may have to delete the thread or move it to the ministry forum or something.

Okay there is a family in our church...the husband of which has been with our church LONG before we got here, and does the finances. Very nice man. Since we've been here, he's gotten married to a lady (nice to your face, alot of turmoil in her own life though, not sure what she says behind your back) who has a "tail end" son, her others are grown. The son is 9, one year older than my oldest son. She has been here a good four years though and they teach a young children's junior church class.

Her son has issues, many of them....especially socially. He can be mouthy, rebellious, disobedient...but is smart, and can be nice. Very sensitive and gets angry quickly. He is homeschooled mostly because they can't find a school who can deal with him.

Okay so when all the kids go in the back room or outside and play after church, invariably a few of the kids get in a bit of a fight (verbal) or sometimes someone does something physical. Often, my son would come and tell this boy's mom that he was being mean to himself or some other child (usually a younger child). When the mom would question her son, the son would say "Well HE does this and that and it makes me mad and then he tells on me and purposely gets me in trouble."

I'm not the type to stick up for my own kids if they are doing wrong, but you can ask any of the other kids in church and they will tell you that this boy lies. Even a kid in my 5th and 6th grade SS class, one day out of the blue, said "You know, XX boy lies about everything."

So anyway this boy told me a couple months ago that his mom no longer lets him play with my son because my son "always gets him in trouble." They do play together a little but its usually when this boy disobeys his mom and goes outside anyway, etc. Or if the mom is right there, they can play.

Yesterday my son told me that the boy told him the same thing. He said "His mom won't let him play because he lies to his mom about me." I just simply said that its okay, that boy isn't a good friend anyway, and that my son should just play with his best friend (a girl...oh well, she's nice LOL another pastors daughter) and the other nice kids and forget about playing with the other one.

I know this mom probably doesn't know that we know she has made this rule. I feel like going to her about it, but I know for a fact she will not believe me over her own son. I feel bad that my son knows that this other mom thinks he's bad when any time a big fight has broken out and I go in after the fact to find out what happened, all the kids will point fingers at this one child and say "He did it." And there are some honest kids in there that would point their fingers at my son in a heartbeat if it was his fault. I have also told my son to NOT tattle on anyone, but to come straight to me with any problems.

Anyway I guess I"m pretty sure I'm handling this right, I'm pretty sure a confrontation will do absolutely no good. Just venting here I guess, and seeing if you guys would have done anything differently. We do have a small church, not alot of kids, so it does have a greater effect than if there were 30 kids running around or something.

[HappyChristian]

Yeah, I think it's wise not to confront the mom. Of course, it could be that she never said that about your son. If her son is an inveterate liar, then he could be making that up just because he knows it will make the two of you feel rotten.

This is a good chance to really let your son see how important honesty and integrity are. Maybe you could just do a word search with your boys, to see what God has to say about honesty, integrity, lying, etc. And you can praise your son for being honest. He can see that God wants us to be honest (I know he knows that, but seeing it written in God's Word can really make it sink in).

Something that we always did with kids that caused problems for our son is - we would talk to him about what the Bible says about what the particular person was doing (whether it was bullying (not being kind), lying, etc.) and how important it is for us to do what the Bible says. And then we would teach him to pray for that person. God loves that person, and doesn't want to see them go on in their sin. This can teach compassion (be careful, though, because if not done with the right attitude toward the child, it can create self-righteousness) which is good for anyone. And then we would always counsel him to remember how it makes him feel and think when someone does that to him, says that about him, etc...and never do that to someone else.

[joyfulpraise93]

:goodpost:

Brother, do I have a lot to learn about raising kids. LOL! The issues you guys deal with and the wise way you try to handle them are great examples to me.

When I was young if I got in any sort of fight, regardless of who was wrong/right, both of us got punished. My mom didn't take the time to listen to every person's side of an issue. She just said that we both needed to grow up and try to get along. I learned that if someone lied about me, that it wasn't worth arguing about, and that in the long run they'd be the worse off for it.

Not that my mom didn't listen to me..she did, but she didn't let our arguements as kids go very far. She did try going to another mom once, but it only resulted in that mom getting mad thinking my mom was accusing her daughter and her parenting skills. SO my mom just taught me to "turn the other cheek" and not care about what other kids say. Builds character, I suppose. :P

[Anon]

I do know for sure the son is telling the truth, more or less, because I have specifically noticed over the past few months the mother tells her son to remain with her. (Whether or not he does is another story). Also if the kids get mad at her son or somebody tattles, the mom gets VERY angry (a silent, stalking anger). She is a very pleasant person and loves to volunteer and help, but also can have an attitude...and usually the attitude happens behind your back, I've found. I really do like her alot. She seems to like me alot, and has invited my kids on "playdates" with her son and stuff too...but on the other hand at church she does not like her son out of her sight because he invariably gets in trouble.

The boy has been through a divorce and has other problems, but the thing is the mom babies him and caters to him rather than trying to help him grow up. I am truly afraid what he will be when he is a teen. He is the type that is 9 years old and still refuses to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels....the type people are going to make fun of...and then later he will be angry and lash out in dangerous ways. (Stereotyping here, not prophecying...I hope not!)

Thanks both of you for posting!

[joyfulpraise93]

I do know for sure the son is telling the truth, more or less, because I have specifically noticed over the past few months the mother tells her son to remain with her. (Whether or not he does is another story). Also if the kids get mad at her son or somebody tattles, the mom gets VERY angry (a silent, stalking anger). She is a very pleasant person and loves to volunteer and help, but also can have an attitude...and usually the attitude happens behind your back, I've found. I really do like her alot. She seems to like me alot, and has invited my kids on "playdates" with her son and stuff too...but on the other hand at church she does not like her son out of her sight because he invariably gets in trouble.

The boy has been through a divorce and has other problems, but the thing is the mom babies him and caters to him rather than trying to help him grow up. I am truly afraid what he will be when he is a teen. He is the type that is 9 years old and still refuses to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels....the type people are going to make fun of...and then later he will be angry and lash out in dangerous ways. (Stereotyping here, not prophecying...I hope not!)

Thanks both of you for posting!

Sounds like she needs to read "How to Behave So Your Kids Will Too." She needs to see that her son is the one who has the problems. She should be addressing those issues so he doesn't HAVE to be alienated from other children.

[Anon]

Of course, but some parents just seem to think their kid is a "victim". I try not to do that....but on the other hand if my kid is being treated wrongly, I have to take care of it....or at least acknowledge to the child that I know he is being victimized and how we can handle it.

[HappyChristian]

Kita - maybe you could get some copies of the book "Growing Up God's Way" by John Stormer, and start a book club at church with the ladies. Everyone could read a chapter a week, and then discuss it according to what the Bible says. It would be good for everyone, and maybe that mother will allow God to take her blinders off.

Having a child who is the product of divorce would have to be a hard thing. Imagine the guilt she feels. That is probably what is causing her to believe everything he says. I'm fortunate - my mom knew that the divorce was the only thing that would keep us all alive, so she didn't have the kind of guilt that she needed to assuage by giving in to us all the time.

You know, unfortunately, you may have to confront her one of these days. She may be active in the church, but the way things are going with her son - she is going to lose credibility with the children soon, and that will be bad! Maybe the book group idea would help?

[deafnva77]

Okay I have a situation that I'm pretty sure I'm handling right, its just I would like any feedback and just want to vent. LOL. I'm not mentioning names but if I find out this forum is searchable I may have to delete the thread or move it to the ministry forum or something.

Okay there is a family in our church...the husband of which has been with our church LONG before we got here, and does the finances. Very nice man. Since we've been here, he's gotten married to a lady (nice to your face, alot of turmoil in her own life though, not sure what she says behind your back) who has a "tail end" son, her others are grown. The son is 9, one year older than my oldest son. She has been here a good four years though and they teach a young children's junior church class.

Her son has issues, many of them....especially socially. He can be mouthy, rebellious, disobedient...but is smart, and can be nice. Very sensitive and gets angry quickly. He is homeschooled mostly because they can't find a school who can deal with him.

Okay so when all the kids go in the back room or outside and play after church, invariably a few of the kids get in a bit of a fight (verbal) or sometimes someone does something physical. Often, my son would come and tell this boy's mom that he was being mean to himself or some other child (usually a younger child). When the mom would question her son, the son would say "Well HE does this and that and it makes me mad and then he tells on me and purposely gets me in trouble."

I'm not the type to stick up for my own kids if they are doing wrong, but you can ask any of the other kids in church and they will tell you that this boy lies. Even a kid in my 5th and 6th grade SS class, one day out of the blue, said "You know, XX boy lies about everything."

So anyway this boy told me a couple months ago that his mom no longer lets him play with my son because my son "always gets him in trouble." They do play together a little but its usually when this boy disobeys his mom and goes outside anyway, etc. Or if the mom is right there, they can play.

Yesterday my son told me that the boy told him the same thing. He said "His mom won't let him play because he lies to his mom about me." I just simply said that its okay, that boy isn't a good friend anyway, and that my son should just play with his best friend (a girl...oh well, she's nice LOL another pastors daughter) and the other nice kids and forget about playing with the other one.

I know this mom probably doesn't know that we know she has made this rule. I feel like going to her about it, but I know for a fact she will not believe me over her own son. I feel bad that my son knows that this other mom thinks he's bad when any time a big fight has broken out and I go in after the fact to find out what happened, all the kids will point fingers at this one child and say "He did it." And there are some honest kids in there that would point their fingers at my son in a heartbeat if it was his fault. I have also told my son to NOT tattle on anyone, but to come straight to me with any problems.

Anyway I guess I"m pretty sure I'm handling this right, I'm pretty sure a confrontation will do absolutely no good. Just venting here I guess, and seeing if you guys would have done anything differently. We do have a small church, not alot of kids, so it does have a greater effect than if there were 30 kids running around or something.

you're fine. Just let it go and move on. The boy probably end up telling the truth if he really enjoys your son's company. because he lied, he has to suffer the fact that he can't hang out with your son. It is his consequences to suffer.

[Anon]

LOL sometimes I don't think the boy enjoys ANYONE's company.

The book idea is good, but I'd rather have older kids before doing that...do you think I would have much credibility really? My kids are still young and boisterous....

The couple is already having some struggles, they are late all the time and extremely borderline as far as meeting our church qualifications for being teachers...we are watching it. Its a tough situation really, when you have people who mean well and are doing a good job, yet dropping the ball in other ways. *sigh*

[deafnva77]

and if he doesn't tell his mom the truth, then it just mean he isn't really interested in your son's friendship.

I think the situation will solve itself. Pray for them.

[Anon]

It will be fine, I'm just venting I guess, its hard when your son knows that somebody's mom won't let them play because they think the "other kid" (MY kid) is the bad guy. *shrugs* I guess its life.

[deafnva77]

I'm sorry.. I know no one like feeling like they are the bad person.

[Pastorj]

My son has gone through this with two boys over the years. I just have to keep him by my side after church so that he won't get in trouble. No fun for him, but your fighting a losing battle with the other mom.

[Anon]

My son has gone through this with two boys over the years. I just have to keep him by my side after church so that he won't get in trouble. No fun for him' date=' but your fighting a losing battle with the other mom.[/quote']

Really!

Yeah its no fun for the one who tries to tell the adults that a kid is out of line...they only get branded as a tattle tale and a trouble maker. Luckily my son has a good friend to hang with. Unfortunately her parents are actively looking for a church (he's a pastor) so my son will be crushed when they do move.

[joyfulpraise93]

Yes, it's so frustrating when you know what's going on and you want to help that person soo much, but it's futile. It's hard to back up and just let it go. SO HARD.