Honoring Father & Mother

[JimsHelpmeet]

Let me begin by saying that my relationship with my mothe has been strained off and on since I was about ten years old. That was when I was hanging out with the wrong crowd in school, got really mouthy, became boy crazy, etc. I know I gave my parents fits up until I was about twenty-three years of age. With that said, there are times where my mother can grate against every last nerve in my being. Here is an example from just today.

 

Me: "I'm so excited! I ordered G's science and Bible lesson books."

Mom: "Just science and Bible?"

Me: "Yes. Since G has trouble focusing and sometimes has meltdowns I read some parents have success tackling one or two subjects at a time and devoting more time to those, rather than briefly working on each subject in one day."

Mom: "So, why didn't you order all of his books?"

Me: "Because I don't have the $700 to buy them all at once."

Mom: "Then maybe you shouldn't be homeschooling."

Me: "Mom, I have it under control."

Mom: "No, you don't. Besides, G needs more than just thirty minutes of school every day and any longer than that of one subject will bore him."

Me: "Mom, I can't help it that we are not in a financial position to spend that much money at one time for books."

Mom: "Your father worked three jobs so you and your brother and sister could do Abeka."

Me: "Jim can't work three jobs, Momma. He has a rotating schedule."

Mom: "Well, I'm just saying that you tend to put G last. If he came first, like he should, you would have already planned for his schooling this year and bought his books."

 

G, sadly, overhears this whole conversation and bounces in the room, "I'M ON GRANDMA'S SIDE, MOM!" And my mom shoots me a dirty look and says, "great. He heard us arguing because you talk so loud, moron." Naturally my feelings were hurt and I went into the bathroom for a moment because I started to cry. After I prayed and composed myself I came out and my mom sighed and said, "are you going to cry every time I try and have an adult conversation with you? No wonder your husband keeps his true feelings from you." I said, "you just really hurt my feelings is all. I was really excited about ordering G's books and what you said was really unnecessary." To which she replies, "well, I don't know what you want from me." I shot back with an ungodly answer, unfortunately, and I said, "I want you to be a decent human being for a change." And that was that. 

 

Most of the time, she's great and we have a really good time, but lately she gets in these snits where she thinks she is entitled to have an opinion about what everyone else does that she thinks is stupid, and why. The other latest thing was my bank account was hacked so they froze my debit card. I didn't go to the bank and get another one, but one night over dinner my mom overheard my husband whisper to me, "remind me we should go to the bank on Monday and get you a new debit card" and my mom is across the room shaking her head in disapproval and rolling her eyes mumbling, "that would be really dumb. What's wrong with cash?" 

 

I know as an adult I don't have to obey my mother, but I'm still expected to honor her. I try really hard to just bite my tongue and  not "repay evil for evil", so to speak. But she really hurts my feelings with her opinions on things. It makes me feel like she thinks everything I do is under scrutiny and that she thinks my decisions are poor. And when she endlessly critiques my mothering, it really gets under my skin. Avoiding her isn't an option, since we are involved in ministries at our church together. That and my son really, really loves being around her and vice versa. 

 

I need to know how I can better respond to these moments. Do I pretend I didn't hear her and just pray for strength? Help!

[swathdiver]

From my perspective she's wrong and prideful.  Biblically wrong too.  Yours and her first love is to the Lord and then your spouses and on down the line.  Kids are just above the dog and hamster, or maybe between?  

 

We too tire of our family constantly dumping on us because we're those weirdo Christians and they're cool, gobbling up worldly things and attending weekly christian rock concerts while we suffer for Christ.  We should respond more with Scripture rather than our own words and limit what we share as they'll only use it to beat us down while puffing themselves up.

 

You were right to pray, it's the most powerful thing we can do.  

 

As for your child's education, the beauty of homeschooling is you can tailor the style any way you see fit.  How much time do they spend on a subject in the classroom anyway?  Try it, if it doesn't work, try something else.  It was a lot easier to make a living when your mom was your age.

[John81]

What a very tough situation. To me, it would be even tougher to deal with because all are professing Christians. Just as a child is to honour their parents, and that's more about being respectful when it comes to adults, so Christian parents are to speak to their children in love, kindness and a measure of respect as well.

 

My Dad can be much like what you mentioned, and even worse since he's unsaved. In my case, the fact he's unsaved helps me to better deal with it. (I can do that better now than in years past) For the most part, I limit my time with my Dad, I enjoy the times when he's good to be around and when he's being judgmental, unkind and interfering I try to go around it as much as possible and cut the visit short.

 

Prayer should be your first line of dealing with this. If your mom were open to a biblical discussion of her behavior and your relationship that would be great, but from what you've said above, that's probably not the case.

 

I would probably try to avoid topics that could lead to problems, change subjects as much and quickly as possible when something comes up that could turn into a problem, and attempt to have something to say that leads to a neutral or non-confrontational topic. That approach has helped me in dealing with my Dad.

 

Also, if possible, you may yet want to consider limiting time together; at least sometimes. Some parents take that when a grown child is around a lot it's a sign they are immature and unable to deal with things themselves. This leads to the parent trying to talk and act toward their adult child as if they are 12. (I'm not implying, just making a statement, only you know the situation between you and your mom; so just something to consider) Along these same lines, more time together offers more opportunities for confrontation. Again, just something else to consider.

 

Pray, not only for your mother, but also for help for you that you can maintain a right spirit when dealing with her. Observe things more closely and try to come up with ways to avoid potential confrontation, come up with ideas of how to move out of such when they occur, and consider the timing of visits, amount of visits and length of visits.

 

Families can be so complicated and unfortunately, they can be that way no matter our age or the age of our parents.

 

I'll pray for you and this situation as well.

[Steve Schwenke]

First let me encourage you with the homeschooling.  There are many ways to kill the beast of education, and you can do it without spending tons of money on curriculum.  Of course, each state has its own requirements, so that may be a factor in your case, so I can't speak to that directly.  But what you are doing is just fine.  He can "catch up" on the other subjects later. 

Secondly, honoring your parents does not necessarily mean "kissing their feet" every time they talk.  A child honors his parent when he obeys them "in the Lord."  An adult honors his parents differently.  There should be a mutual respect on both sides of the equation, but mom and dad have to know their place, and the adult child (the child of the parents who is now an adult) may have to draw some tough boundaries.  If they won't respect you and your decisions, then they need to reevaluate their relationship with you.  When you are married, your first priority is to your spouse, then your second is to your children, then after that your parents. 

You honor them through love.  As they grow older, you honor them by providing care for them in their later years.  You honor them by enjoying time together, and sharing memories.  But there are boundaries to be observed, and they need to keep their nose out of your business.  You are not accountable to them - you (as a wife) are accountable to your husband, and your husband is accountable to the Lord.  

 

It is difficult.  I am fortunate enough to be separated from my family by more than a 1,000 miles, otherwise, I would be in the same position that you are. 

 

Pray about, ask God for grace and wisdom, and appeal to your husband for guidance and protection.  You may need to have a serious sit-down conversation with her, air your true feelings, and draw some really sharp boundaries.   

 

Hopefully this will help you.

 

In Christ,

[No Nicolaitans]

I'm sorry for your situation...

 

I don't know if this will help in the future, but we've tried different curriculum throughout the years.  Abeka, Switched on Schoolhouse, Timberdoodle, etc.

 

We FINALLY found a curriculum that our daughter likes, and it's been the least expensive one that we've tried.

 

It's called Lifepac.  Now, it's all books (work books), but if your child likes actual books instead of computer based curriculum, this might be something to consider.  For 5 subjects (base curriculum; no electives)...depending on the grade level...you'll spend around $350 or less for a year's curriculum.  We got our daughter's latest curriculum (9th Grade) while it was on sale for around $225.

 

Not what you were asking about, but I hope it might help in the future...at least it might be an option to consider, and it's King James.

 

http://www.aophomeschooling.com/lifepac_overview

[JerryNumbers]

Sounds like she does you as many do others on forums on the internet when they disagree with the other persons opinion. Seems they will come up with all different kind of smart remarks instead of just trying to show why they have the opinion they have.

 

And i admit quickly that sometimes I may say something, add words, that I should not. Once years back before I got here I picked up some VERY bad habits in a forum I was posting in, & I'm trying to let lose of them, & leave such words out, & respect the others person right to their opinion. Wow, bad habits are so hard to let go. And good habits are so easy broken & so hard to form.

 

Sad situation, I pray that this will be overcome & left behind. I can see how it would deeply hurt you.

[irishman]

I'm afraid I have miserably failed in this area.  My folks and I were not close after I got saved.  My dad kept making remarks about "henpecked men" and applying them to me.  They came over our house one time and my wife's apron was hanging on the handle of the oven, and dad said to me, "Is that your apron?"  They often tried to get me to drink a beer with dad, and it seemed like they were trying to break us up.  My mother would wait until my wife left the room for something, and then in a very low voice, tell me that my ex-girlfriend was in town.  They seemed to love my wife when she was around, but make similar remarks when she wasn't.

 

I withdrew from them, lest I said something hurtful, and believe me, I wanted to tell them off.  The withdrawal though lasted until the day they died.  The rest of my family and I are not close either, because I have a different lifestyle.  My older sister nearly raised me, I went with her wherever she went, and got involved in the things she became involved in.  My mom could hardly cook, so sis made dinner most of the time, but she left home at 17, and ran off with her boyfriend.  Anyway, It was hard to honor my parents, and again, I blew it, I did not know how to handle it.  Many things added to the problems, with my parents, such as as not even seeing my son until after he was 3 months old.  Never there for my wife, etc.  I became bitter, I'm afraid.

 

They are both gone now, and I have many regrets of the way I acted, but I cannot change a thing, of course.  My brother and I are a tad closer, but there are too many memories standing between us; the same with the two sisters.  Only one sister claims to be "Christian" but she remained in the Catholic church, and doesn't seem to understand real Christianity. (I was brought up as a professing Catholic, but without a personal knowledge of Christ.

 

Anyway, take heart, you are not alone in these kinds of heartaches.  Hold fast to the Words of life, and the Lord will see you through.  There may be mistakes, misconceptions, even a little animosity, but it is important that YOU do right, whether they do or not. 

 

Today, I can live for the Lord in the comfort of another family, my church family.  They were there when my wife needed them (I never learned to cook!) and when I needed food, and in effect, they have become my family.  Any time we were hospitalized, or the kids were, they were there, but none of my family ever was. (I guess I am still a little bitter since I mentioned it here). 

 

Keep praying, and try not to let your ordeal ruin your walk with the Lord.  Each of you will answer for yourselves, and some people will never change it seems.  Strained relationships are always hard to patch up, especially with family.

 

I said more than I probably should have, so I leave it at this: pray diligently for yourself and your mother, and remember, sharing memories of good times together often gets you back in the right direction.  I believe that is the beginning of fixing a broken relationship--sharing mutual experiences whether funny, or comforting, or just loving times.

 

Hope this helps.

[John81]

I'm sorry for your situation...

 

I don't know if this will help in the future, but we've tried different curriculum throughout the years.  Abeka, Switched on Schoolhouse, Timberdoodle, etc.

 

We FINALLY found a curriculum that our daughter likes, and it's been the least expensive one that we've tried.

 

It's called Lifepac.  Now, it's all books (work books), but if your child likes actual books instead of computer based curriculum, this might be something to consider.  For 5 subjects (base curriculum; no electives)...depending on the grade level...you'll spend around $350 or less for a year's curriculum.  We got our daughter's latest curriculum (9th Grade) while it was on sale for around $225.

 

Not what you were asking about, but I hope it might help in the future...at least it might be an option to consider, and it's King James.

 

http://www.aophomeschooling.com/lifepac_overview

In our homeschooling we went through the trial and error process in the beginning as we learned what best fit our children, and what didn't. Eventually we went with the Lifepacs and they were a good fit for our children. Then all that was left was tweaking things to each child. We liked that the Lifepacs were KJB, biblical, designed for the child to become as independent as possible in their studies as they got older, and were pretty thorough. The lower price for them was a nice thing too! Very pleased with the Lifepacs and the results.

[OLD fashioned preacher]

One of the hardest things for a parent to learn and stick with -- your kids' marriages and families are THEIRS!!

Godly council is one thing, helpful advice is one thing (if rejected, understand - it's been rejected) -- interference and meddling is OFF LIMITS!

 

The hardest lesson for a grandparent -- your job IS NOT to spoil them or make the kids like you more than their parents or to be more lenient than the parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'll not say anymore on the subject lest I sin with my lips -- or fingertips.

[JerryNumbers]

Mt 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

 

When a daughter or son gets saved, & the parents are lost, sometime it separates them. Especially if they walk quite close with Jesus.

[HappyChristian]

I just saw this - hope it's not too late to comment.

 

I'm so sorry you go through this, Jims.  I have a thought that I hope I can express clearly.

 

How do we honor our parents?  Well, Jims, I got the idea from your post that your parents are Christians? (the Abeka comment gave me that impression)  At the very least, since they used Abeka, they obviously wanted you to have a biblical education, so they were interested in you knowing and obeying the Bible, would that be correct?

 

If it is, you are honoring your mother when you are right with the Lord, when you are the right kind of wife to your hubby, when you are the right mother to your child.  Even if she expresses displeasure at what or how you do, if those three things are in line, you are honoring your parents and what they taught you and wanted you to be as an adult - whether or not they are pleased with your choice of what you are doing now.

 

That said...

 

When you married your husband, your earthly loyalty shifted.  I can't begin to imagine what your mom is going through right now that has caused this shift into caustic comments, but you don't honor her when you allow them to continue.  I would echo what others have said and say that much prayer should go into exactly how to deal with this, but deal with it you must.  

 

Whether your mother realizes it or not, she is undermining your relationship with both your husband and with G.  I would never say that is her intent, but that is the result.  And it is up to you and your hubby to put a stop to it.

 

You will likely need to have a few conversations with your hubby and spend a good bit of time in prayer together to know exactly how to go about it, but the two of you need to sit down with her and lay down some ground rules.  Firmly, but gently and lovingly.

 

First, you thank her for the wonderful job she did raising you (and if she taught you biblical principles, thank her specifically for that).  Let her know that you are the woman, wife, and mother you are today because of her (and your father if he's in the picture) and that you are sorry for the grief you gave them while you were growing up.

 

Then, remind her that you are now married and you answer to Jim and Jim alone (that is, in earthly terms).  Let her know that you can no longer allow comments about her husband and the things he says or does (like the cash comment or the feelings comment - and, if you have ever confided in her about issues with you and Jim, do so no longer...).  

 

Thank her for your schooling and let her know how much you really appreciate what she and your dad did to ensure you had a quality education.  Then remind her that you and Jim are G's parents and you and Jim will decide how G will be educated, just as she and your dad decided on the education of you and your siblings.  Let her know that you can't allow any more disparaging comments about how you educate your son.

 

Keep it positive and loving, but firm.  

 

Then your hubby needs to step in and let your mom know that her hurtful comments need to stop, that he, as your husband, can't allow them anymore.  He should stress that he appreciates her (and thank her for raising a woman who is such a good wife) and her concern for things, but that he has things in hand as far as the family goes.

 

Now, this can take some time, but it is biblical to face the situation because it will cause you to have ought against your mother, and that will wreak havoc in you and your family.  It also might seem harsh, but it is necessary - and it doesn't have to be done hatefully.

 

You and Jim need to present a united front so that she sees that you are in agreement on this, and G sees it, too.  (BTW, if G enters into a conversation he overheard like that again, with you being on the wrong end of the stick in his mind, you need to deal with that - privately, of course - because he is not honoring you when he does that.  He needs to learn what honoring is so that as he gets older other issues don't arise).

 

Just so you know, I experienced a similar thing, but it was by long distance.  We moved to IN and my folks were in WVA.  We had their only grandson with us.  They missed him, of course, but it became more than that.  She would call and tell me that dad said this, and dad said that, and that we should do this and we should do that.  Well, it got to the point where I really didn't look forward to talking to her.  She didn't realize how she was undermining my hubby.  Anyway, one day he told me that I had to tell her that this kind of stuff was to stop immediately, or I wouldn't be able to talk to her anymore.

 

I told her exactly what he said.  She was hurt, and she asked me why it was wrong for them to be worried about their daughter and grandson.  And so I told her basically that:

 

"You and Dad gave me away to Randy when we married.  He is my new head. And you must now (three years later) trust him to take care of us and to know God's will for our lives."  She said they weren't undermining, and I told her they were, indeed.  I told her that it hurt my husband that they didn't seem to trust the way he does things.  Well, she told me she would tell my Dad. She did.  And later she told me he went to talk to their pastor.  I asked what he said.  She said he told Dad, "You need to mind your own business."  LOL  I told her that he did, that it didn't mean they couldn't advise us, and that we would seek their advice, but the pushing for us to do what they want had to stop.  Praise the Lord it did, because they didn't realize what they were doing, and we had a great relationship with them both until my Dad went to Heaven. Our relationship with my Mom is still great.

 

I know, different scenario.  But still, really, the same thing. You don't honor your parents when you allow them to undermine your family.  No, you should not answer evil for evil. That dishonors God (we are all prone to that, and it is so easy to do).  But you do need to put a stop to her comments so that something worse - like a family split - doesn't happen.

 

I hope that made sense?

 

(BTW - if the comments continue, the best way to handle them is to leave if you are visiting her - gently remind her that there are to be no more such comments, and then let her know you have to go.  If she is at your house, gently remind her there are to be no more such comments. If they continue then, let her know you have some things to do so you'll see her later, inviting her to go.  That, too, may seem harsh, but it doesn't have to be done harshly.  She needs to know you are serious about the comments stopping)

[JimsHelpmeet]

I am sorry I haven't had a chance to come back and respond. I want to say a heartfelt thank you to all of you for your advice and encouragement. A miraculous thing happened! The day after the incident with my mother I was lying in bed reading and it was late. Maybe midnight. I got a text from my mother. It was a super lengthy one in which she told me how ashamed she was of her behavior and asked my forgiveness. She said she is tired of letting the devil control her attitude and has asked for the Holy Spirit to control her life instead. I told her I wanted the same thing for myself and that we should always pray for one another in that area. Since then things have been really great between us.

[swathdiver]

Praise the Lord!

[OLD fashioned preacher]

Amen

[quinkie]

how wonderful!