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Retronatrix

Dealing With A Nasty Mom. Any Suggestions?

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I can't be the only woman out there dealing with hard-to-manage family.

 

Basically, my mother thinks it's her job to meddle, cuss like a sailor, talk evil of everyone and everything then outright ridicule our home's foundation. In the middle of it all she expects me to constantly be around her at every second and If I don't then she lies and trys to start drama with other family just to gt my attention.

 

My husband and I both have put our foot down in so many ways, asked her to leave our home, restricted time with her, confonted her in love and honesty.........everything we could think of. We both figured that her childish behavior would at least soften if she saw that we followed through with our telling her basically "behave or we can't come play" lol. Unfortunatly, neither being loving nor strict nor honest is helping.It's been over a year since she's moved to our town, a few blocks away,and she's still trying to convince us to move in nearer or even with her and my dad.

 

I'm fine with the concept of loving from a distance, but I can't bring myself to make that distance further than it is already. I don't want to push her out of my life but can't stand being around someone who is untrustworthy and gets satisfation from trying to get me to cry.

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As long as she's serving Satan, she'll do everything in her power (conscious of it or not) to destroy your family, to knock it off its foundation in Christ.  With someone like that you have to separate from them.  When you do have contact, do not put up with their shenanigans.  We have some relatives who behave similarly (don't all the lost?) and had to treat them that way until they slightly modified their behavior when we're around.

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I feel for you, I take it she's not saved? That would be a great start.

Personally, I'd have to separate myself more from her, it sounds like too much to have to bear.

I'll leave you with some verses that came to mind when I read your post, God bless you & yours.

Ephesians 6:2-3 Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) [3] That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

Proverbs 23:22 Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.

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Retro, do you have children?  If you do, it's vital to separate from her even more than you have.  You don't want to expose your children to her unhappiness.  If you don't, the degree to which you separate yourself from her is up to you and your hubby.  But...

 

I can't say, "if it were me..." with authority because I have always had a wonderful relationship with my mother. But I can say, "if it were me..." then my hubby would put his foot down and not allow me to spend time with her when it causes anguish, like this obviously does.  I know from experience that he would because he has before.  There was an issue 24 years ago where he told me I had to tell my mom to stop (she and my dad were pressuring me to pressure my hubby to do something - this did not affect our relationship but it would have had it continued) or he would not allow me to talk to her anymore.  That shocked her because it was done out of genuine concern. She told my dad who went to their pastor. The pastor told him to mind his own business.  He did, problem solved.  

 

Perhaps your hubby needs to do something like that.  He is your protector, and if your mother is bad as you portray, he needs to protect you from meanness. He can do it by telling your parents that from now on, the four of you will have dinner one night every other week, to be changed to one night a month if problems arise.  (or something like that)  And then stick to your guns.  Rest assured that the rest of the family know from whence the trouble is coming...

 

Above all else, pray for your mother.  Pray that God will soften her heart and help her to see what she is doing. If she is saved, the Holy Spirit can convict her about that.  If she is not saved, pray the Holy Spirit convict her of her need of the Saviour.  Maybe even send her a card in the mail once in a while, just to tell her you love her.  

 

There are other members of my family that would fit into the hard-to-manage category.  But the only thing I can do with them is be consistent in my life/testimony, be kind to them at all times (never mistake always being quiet with kindness - sometimes it is necessary to rebuke in a firm tone), and pray, pray, pray.  

 

Don't just pray for your mom, though. Pray that God will work on you, too.  Always when there is an issue, we can point to the other person and say it's because they...and often it is.  But  there is something God wants to teach us about ourselves in any situation, as well, that will conform us more to the image of His Son.

 

I don't know how much help that was.  I hope some.  And I'm sorry - will pray for you and yours.

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Dear Retro,

  I myself went through the same thing- mine happened after I was saved and I was no longer her party buddy.  We, however,moved to another state from her so it was "easier". 

 

The verse that God keeps giving me - because I am stubborn :)- is :

 

Exodus 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

 

It is a command- not a feeling or "if she does so-and-so, I will honour her".  That was the hardest thing I ever had (and am still having to do). 

 

I bit my tongue so much, that I thought it would come off!  When we talked and she said very hurtful things about me, my Saviour, etc., I asked for God's Grace and He gave it to me-- God made it so that I did not take her bait and let her get me into an emotional mess (where she could see/ hear). 

 

My prayer was that my mom would see Christ through me.  But the only way that she could is if I stepped aside (died to self) and allowed Christ to work.  That meant that I had to be a cleansed vessel that He could use.

 

It was not easy and I cried so many times to God. Now (after about 5 years) we can visit in person, she asks me to pray for her, and she watches her tongue around my family when we visit each other. She even asked my husband to preach at my Dad's funeral.

 

We still don't have a close Mother-daughter relationship and there are times I am still biting my tongue and praying for God's Grace, but.... 

 

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

 

I hope I made sense, and I pray that you understand that you are not alone in this.

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I can't be the only woman out there dealing with hard-to-manage family.

 

Basically, my mother thinks it's her job to meddle, cuss like a sailor, talk evil of everyone and everything then outright ridicule our home's foundation. In the middle of it all she expects me to constantly be around her at every second and If I don't then she lies and trys to start drama with other family just to gt my attention.

 

My husband and I both have put our foot down in so many ways, asked her to leave our home, restricted time with her, confonted her in love and honesty.........everything we could think of. We both figured that her childish behavior would at least soften if she saw that we followed through with our telling her basically "behave or we can't come play" lol. Unfortunatly, neither being loving nor strict nor honest is helping.It's been over a year since she's moved to our town, a few blocks away,and she's still trying to convince us to move in nearer or even with her and my dad.

 

I'm fine with the concept of loving from a distance, but I can't bring myself to make that distance further than it is already. I don't want to push her out of my life but can't stand being around someone who is untrustworthy and gets satisfation from trying to get me to cry.

 

I can sympathize with all you have said. Except..."cuss like a sailor." Not all of us saved by grace retired sailors cussed. :)

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Thanks for all the support, Y'all. To answer the earlier, no kids yet. But husband and I are trying to stand firm now so when kids do come along we can keep her at bay ( so to speak ) as a front. I figured it would be easier to stick to boundaries if she's shown that neither of us are going to compromise and that we both say the same thing. Kind of like parents when a kid will try to play one off the other tog et what they want.

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Thankfully, my mother was never the problem when I turned to the IFB church.  As a Roman Catholic, who didn't want part in the RCC, she actually encouraged that I go to church and fellowship with IFB's.  She wanted the best for her daughter.  Praise the Lord she was saved in 2006 and has gone home to be with the Lord.

My second oldest brother (devout Catholic) and my younger sister (devout Catholic) are a different story.   It is hard to keep my 23 year old son away from his uncle.  They are always running into each other in the gym or around town.  My brother loves to tell tall tales of things that my son has said about me, only to find out from my son, that he never said such a thing.  His uncle on his dad's side of the family (I am divorced) tells me that my son always speaks very highly of me and loves me with all his heart.  I trust his uncle more than I do my brother.  And, most importantly, I trust my son.  I have to stay far away from my brother b/c he has always caused drama in my family growing up and he verbally abused me, as well.  My sister has recently been in her own little battle with me on Facebook, which I won't participate it.  Thankfully, she lives a little over an hour from me.  So, I have distance from her.

My advice, is that you distance yourself both physically and emotionally from your mom.  The distance I have put between my brother, as of three years ago, has been so good for my well being.  It is a huge relief.  No one likes a bully who constantly shoots down everything you say and believe in.  Don't get me wrong, though.  I pray for my brother and his family for salvation.  I pray the the Lord puts people in their path to show them how much Jesus wants them to be children of God.  I also pray that God takes the blinders that Satan has put over their eyes and convicts their hearts.

The best thing you can do for your mom is pray, Retomatrix.  Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Edited by candlelight

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My mother-in-law was a handful. She tried for years to push my wife away, as she successfully did with her other daughter, but my wife knew it was God's will to honor her and be there for her as she could. She was a rough woman, though we didn't know just how much until after her death and we began going through her things-she was doing voodoo rituals against her neighbors, and after speaking with them, saw that she had some certain success with it. The lady across the street said she would have visons of giant spiders on her bedroom walls, and she was a Christian.

 

I think her mother never trusted her daughters, and I think it wasn't until the very end, when she was dying and my wife was there with her, she asked my wife, Why are you here? And she just told her, "Because you're my mom and I love you" and I think at that point she finally got that reality-she didn't want anything from her mom, just to love her. She died the next morning, unsaved. My wife and I had tried to witness to her but she would never hear-she would change the subject as quick as it came up. She was riased Catholic and could never get past her hatred for them, and thus, for anything 'Christian"-we could not get her to understand they were different.

 

The thing that amazes me is how the Lord gives such grace to my wife, in dealing with her mom being in hell. It can only be God's grace, because such a thought for my own mother would drive me nuts. Fortunately my parents are saved.

 

Moms can be tough but ultimately its worth it to, as much as possible, honr the Lord by honoring them, even when its hard.

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I can't be the only woman out there dealing with hard-to-manage family.

 

Basically, my mother thinks it's her jOB to meddle, cuss like a sailor, talk evil of everyone and everything then outright ridicule our home's foundation. In the middle of it all she expects me to constantly be around her at every second and If I don't then she lies and trys to start drama with other family just to gt my attention.

 

My husband and I both have put our foot down in so many ways, asked her to leave our home, restricted time with her, confonted her in love and honesty.........everything we could think of. We both figured that her childish behavior would at least soften if she saw that we followed through with our telling her basically "behave or we can't come play" lol. Unfortunatly, neither being loving nor strict nor honest is helping.It's been over a year since she's moved to our town, a few blocks away,and she's still trying to convince us to move in nearer or even with her and my dad.

 

I'm fine with the concept of loving from a distance, but I can't bring myself to make that distance further than it is already. I don't want to push her out of my life but can't stand being around someone who is untrustworthy and gets satisfation from trying to get me to cry.

 

 

 

 That would be a great start.

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I've heard my FIL cuss, lie and witness him try to cheat people in business deals. One of those deals landed my Wife in a lawsuit of no fault of her own: it came about because he had borrowed money from us for that shenanigan, which he never paid back, and somehow he had tied my Wife's name in it. In the end, I believe my FIL got right with God and he and I became friends. I've had my own Dad and Mom say and do things which were not right. But the Bible says to honor your Father and Mother. It gives no conditions: it just commands you to do it. You will not be sorry you do it. You will be sorry if you don't.

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