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Need some advice and prayer


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I am not understanding this to well, but it just seems like my wife is not supporting me anymore, with me being in the pastoral ministry. I do not want to bad mouth her or talk bad about her, She is my wife and I love her very much, but this has all hit me like a ton of bricks. I never expected this to happen. She was fine until we had some pretty bad experiences in the church, here, where I was assistant pastor for a short time. She has gotten really cold about the ministry, where as before, she supported me. Has this happend to anyone else? Please pray for her. Her name is Lornie. We really need your prayers!! Thank you all so much and Lord bless you all.

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Some pastors have that problem, I've know 2 personally that had this problem.

One accepted the call for being a pastor, his wife stayed at their home church for the past 15 or more years.

The other one, his wife just would not attend church with him regularly even before he surrendered to preach. And when he accepted the call of a church, things went the same way. This wife was very bad about not attending evening services.

No doubt it has affected the ministry for both of them.

Prayers.

When I surrendered to preach the Gospel, Linda told m I had lost my mind. That was her 1st reaction. I did not make much of it for we had always attended church regularly, & after she had time to adjust, all was well, & she had supported me very good.

I believe most pastor wife's will tell you it can be tough to be the pastors wife, in many different ways. It takes patience & support from the husband, sometimes we are not good at this.

Prayers.

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Thank you all so much for your prayers and help! There have been days where I just want to quit just because of this, but I have talked a few times with the pastor of my sending church and he has encouraged me alot, to not quit!! I can not and will not quit!!! I know that when God calls a man into the ministry, he also calls the wife. It is going to take alot of prayers and alot of love for her!!

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I am not understanding this to well, but it just seems like my wife is not supporting me anymore, with me being in the pastoral ministry. I do not want to bad mouth her or talk bad about her, She is my wife and I love her very much, but this has all hit me like a ton of bricks. I never expected this to happen. She was fine until we had some pretty bad experiences in the church, here, where I was assistant pastor for a short time. She has gotten really cold about the ministry, where as before, she supported me. Has this happend to anyone else? Please pray for her. Her name is Lornie. We really need your prayers!! Thank you all so much and Lord bless you all.


Robert, I don't know you or your wife, so I may be misunderstanding - if so, please let me know if my comments are wrong.

Before I comment, let me tell you just a wee bit about us. I am married to a wonderful man who is a preacher, but not a pastor (at least not at this point in time - who knows what God has in store). When we met, he was assistant pastor at the church. Long story short, horrible things happened to us there, climaxing the day before we wed. God led us to another church where we both went on staff. It seemed like a great place at first (and is so today), and I believe it was. But the pastor there had some problems that affected us greatly. It affected me in ways that I still have to deal with (23 years later!). Anyway, I just wanted to preface my comments with that tidbit.

You say that your wife is cold to the ministry and that you had some bad experiences at this church. And you say she no longer supports you. Might I suggest to you that it isn't truly you she isn't supporting? Men and women look at things differently, and to you, her lack of warmth seems to be directed at you. I wonder if this is truly the case.

See, something happens inside a woman when bad things happen in a church where she and her hubby are ministering. There is an immense amount of hurt that builds - especially if the bad things are directed towards her family in any way. And, often, that hurt turns to coldness. And that coldness can seem to envelop her husband.

Some suggestions? I would agree that it's going to take a lot of love shown to your wife. One of the most loving things that can be done is to sit down with her and listen to what she has to say. REALLY listen, not with a pre-conceived idea of what she's going to say (even if you've heard the words before), nor with the intent of answering everything she says as soon as she says it. Find out just how she feels (yes, you need to hear about her feelings...emotions are a very big part of a woman's make-up, and it's important for a husband to understand that her emotional balance often depends on him). After you've listened to her, just hold her, tell her you love her, and then spend some time in prayer with her.

One thing you might want to consider praying about is: does the Lord want you to remain where you are? Or does he want you to move elsewhere in the ministry? If you are at least willing to pray about that, and you let your wife know, that could go along way toward helping her. That doesn't mean you're quitting. Sometimes God has to use bad experiences to point us in another direction.

Sometimes a coldness can also be traced to a feeling (here we go with emotions again, but we are talking about women! :icon_smile: ) of almost abandonment by the wife - because bad things happened, and the man chose to continue on the path he is on. Let me give you an anecdotal example:

I know someone who went with her husband to visit his family. It was a sad time, because his father had just passed away. Long story short, some of his family members made up horrid lies about her. It hurt her terribly because she loved all of the family and this took both of them completely off guard. Anyway - upshot was that she wanted to go home. Her husband said no. They stayed. He spoke with one of his brothers (sharply), who in turn went after the rest of the family. It took a while, but the family gradually came back together. That wife still deals with hurt to this day - she knows that what her husband did was right, but she can't help the feeling that he chose them over her. He didn't, obviously. And deep down she knows it. But it colored her reaction to him for a while.

I know that isn't exactly what you're going through - but I bet that's similar to her mindset.

I hope this helps. And, although she might get upset if she finds out you mentioned her, I would be more than willing to talk with her via email if you think it might help.
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Robert, I see that you are 42 years old. There may be another piece to this puzzle that hasn't been considered yet in the responses. If your wife is in or nearing the "change of life", that may be affecting her both physically and emotionally. Some women go through this rather easily. However, that's not the case with all. Not saying that's the case with your wife. Just mentioning that it can be a tramatic emotional upheavel for some ladies.

Yes, I agree that you should talk with her, carefully. Choose a quiet time, when you know you won't be interrupted. Choose a time when neither of you are rushed, harried, angry, or extremely tired. Gently lead into the conversation by expressing concern for her above everything else. I'm sure God won't mind, if you put her first for a little while. He knows where your heart lies. And, then simply listen to her. That may be all that she needs. For you to really listen without any reservations.

If the conversation starts to go sour, back off for a while. It may be difficult for her to express herself, her concerns, her problems. If that's the case, pressuring her will probably have the opposite effect from what you'd like to happen. Just chose another quiet time and try again. In the meantime, let her know in little ways that you truly love her and are concerned. An unexpected hug. An unexpected thank-you and/or something similar. Often, it isn't the BIG things, but the small gestures of understanding, appreciation, and compasion that can make the difference.

Pray with her and for her. Pray with her that both of you seek the Lord's guidance in your lives. Keep her included so she knows everything isn't all about you and God's direction for you individually.

I pray that the Lord will help you, as a couple, come through this time of trouble, whatever the source of it may be.

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