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Proper English


Bro Jim

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copied from Ineffs Notes
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
We are living in the time of e-mail (and blogs, texts and Tweets) and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson.
So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually unnecessary).
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is prOBably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Who needs rhetorical questions?
32. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
33. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Edited by Bro Jim
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LOL. One interesting thought I had - we've all been taught not to end our sentences with a preposition. Did you know that there is actually a part of speech that is called a post-position? That would be what the preposition placed at the end of the sentence is called. Interesting, no? :icon_mrgreen:

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Great bro. Jim, but i don't get it! perhaps someone could esplane it too me!
(My grammar used to teach us dat stuff)

Here's one I writ myself sometime back:

Pappy Grammar

“A simile is a simile”,
Me pappy used to say;
But silly analogies?
We’ll see those another day.

To describe the place
Me pappy lives,
Would take a long list
Of Adjectives;

He makes no bones,
Wishes no repentance,
For what he does
To a sentence!

He starts with adverbs,
And ends his supposition
As his “garden of herbs”,
With a wild preposition.

He’d often cry out,
In his time of reflection,
And voice his opinion
With a mild interjection.

He’d dangle a participle or two
Whenever he spoke aloud,
But the damage was minimal,
And man, was he proud.

Whenever he had to
He’d run a special errand;
Never forgetting to
Repeat a gerund.

You never could catch him
In a frown, but a smile on his face;
But what he did to a proper noun,
Well, that was a total disgrace!

To listen to him talk
Was poetry in reverse;
You’d think to yourself,
“Whatever could be worse?”

He’d lisp and stammer
And “Chew” his words,
You’d think that Heavens opened
And God sent cackling birds.

But he had a gentle spirit
That would charm the roughest soul;
And serve up contractions
In a loving silver bowl.

Compound words were his bane
He’d spit them out,
And start again;
With boastful tout.

Singulars and plurals
He couldn’t neglect;
He’d slay his English
With great effect.

Me mom and dad are both palindromes,
I am the offshoot of them;
A pronoun I am, true that may be,
Or perhaps a clever stratagem.

Analogies and metaphors
Are at their best,
When folks like me pappy
Are laid to rest!

Edited by irishman
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