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Do Wives Have To Love Their Husbands?


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This discussion has actually been difficult to read. Many post are correct according to His Word. It just makes me wonder their point then sadly I see no love being shown in their reply. Maybe someone said just this but I misunderstood...if so, please have patience with me. I'm persuaded by His Word that women are given instruction to "reverance" your husband which is Respect. He doesn't have to earn this Repect because it's his position as husband/ representing Christ in the home. It is the LORD'S will our husband's show us love but this doesn't have any bearing on our showing Respect or as is written in the KJV 'reverance.' If this is difficult just realize ultimately your respecting Christ. Regardless of how your husband may be living his life in and out of His home. Any Christian men walking with the LORD...Would you share what make's you know your Respected by your wife? I have found this to be a struggle when your praying and doing all you know to Respect him as the LORD said but stuck in feeling I'm missing the mark. Men and Women feel differently. (Surprised?) Would any be willing to share what you see wive's missing in way's of showing their own husband's Respect? Maybe how we can show Disrespect without ever seeing or understanding? This would be a blessing for me, as I feel I miss the mark so often. Just walking as a baby sister in Christ can be a struggle yet even when I need Him to hold my hand - He alway's does because He Love's even me!


Actually listening when a husband is talking is important. It's disrespectful to not listen, to go about noisy housework so you can't hear, or to continually interrupt.

Not arguing or disagreeing with your husband when he's correcting or instructing the children. If a wife has an issue with what the husband says or does regarding the children she should discuss this with him in private.

Not belittling her husband in public. This seems to be all too common among some women, almost like some game, where wives see who can tear their husband down more in public.

Not arguing with her husband in public.

Keeping a civil attitude. While some wives might not say a lot that comes out disrespectful, whether in public or private, their attitude can still show such...rolling her eyes at him, turning her back on him, showing silent defiance...

For the most part, respect is respect. What we see as disrespectful in others are things wives should avoid doing with their husbands.

Being calm and having patience with a husband can often go a long ways, even in a strained marriage, to making things better.

Typically a husband likes to feel appreciated, this is seen by the husband as being respected by his wife. Husbands like to know their wives appreciate them mowing the lawn, fixing the kitchen cabinet, taking care of the car, working at a tough job, helping them with a task, etc. How many times I've heard wives complaining that these things "are all he does" and "he's supposed to do that anyway". Such sounds unappreciatvie to a husband and disrespectful. Sure, it might be the husbands duty to repair the garage door, but it does a marriage much good when the wife let's her husband know she appreciates his efforts even if it's something he's "supposed to do" or "has to do" anyway.

A little attention goes a long ways. A "thank you", a "that looks good dear" or "I'm glad you take care of these things" might not seem like much, and some men might not seem to respond greatly to them, but on the inside such comments reach a man. Over time, such can make a really big difference. Just make sure such comments are made with a good attitude and sincerity; not with any sarcasm as is a big problem in some marriages.

I hope this is helpful as I didn't give it any real thought, just stuff off the top of my head.

By the way, great to "see" you again His By Grace!!!
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Actually listening when a husband is talking is important. It's disrespectful to not listen, to go about noisy housework so you can't hear, or to continually interrupt.

Not arguing or disagreeing with your husband when he's correcting or instructing the children. If a wife has an issue with what the husband says or does regarding the children she should discuss this with him in private.

Not belittling her husband in public. This seems to be all too common among some women, almost like some game, where wives see who can tear their husband down more in public.

Not arguing with her husband in public.

Keeping a civil attitude. While some wives might not say a lot that comes out disrespectful, whether in public or private, their attitude can still show such...rolling her eyes at him, turning her back on him, showing silent defiance...

For the most part, respect is respect. What we see as disrespectful in others are things wives should avoid doing with their husbands.

Being calm and having patience with a husband can often go a long ways, even in a strained marriage, to making things better.

Typically a husband likes to feel appreciated, this is seen by the husband as being respected by his wife. Husbands like to know their wives appreciate them mowing the lawn, fixing the kitchen cabinet, taking care of the car, working at a tough job, helping them with a task, etc. How many times I've heard wives complaining that these things "are all he does" and "he's supposed to do that anyway". Such sounds unappreciatvie to a husband and disrespectful. Sure, it might be the husbands duty to repair the garage door, but it does a marriage much good when the wife let's her husband know she appreciates his efforts even if it's something he's "supposed to do" or "has to do" anyway.

A little attention goes a long ways. A "thank you", a "that looks good dear" or "I'm glad you take care of these things" might not seem like much, and some men might not seem to respond greatly to them, but on the inside such comments reach a man. Over time, such can make a really big difference. Just make sure such comments are made with a good attitude and sincerity; not with any sarcasm as is a big problem in some marriages.

I hope this is helpful as I didn't give it any real thought, just stuff off the top of my head.

By the way, great to "see" you again His By Grace!!!


:thumb: Edited by heartstrings
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Proverbs 31:23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. When describing the life of the virtuous woman, why does it say that her "husband is known in the gates"? It says that because the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 is a woman who builds her husband up instead of tearing him down. No other person has such power as a man's wife. She can make him or break him, so to speak. Now read one of the things that happens to this woman because of such virtuous conduct.......
Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Proverbs 31 shows a family whose members who encourage and thereby bulid each other up. Showing appreciation makes the other person want to do even better and it shows that you really love them: It really does glorify God.....


16But unto the wicked God saith, What hast thou to do to declare my statutes, or that thou shouldest take my covenant in thy mouth?

17Seeing thou hatest instruction, and castest my words behind thee.

18When thou sawest a thief, then thou consentedst with him, and hast been partaker with adulterers.

19Thou givest thy mouth to evil, and thy tongue frameth deceit.

20Thou sittest and speakest against thy brother; thou slanderest thine own mother's son.

21These things hast thou done, and I kept silence; thou thoughtest that I was altogether such an one as thyself: but I will reprove thee, and set them in order before thine eyes.

22Now consider this, ye that forget God, lest I tear you in pieces, and there be none to deliver.

23Whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I shew the salvation of God.


A biting, slandering tongue is a destroyer.... But real reverence. and real, sincere, honest praise encourages people and it shows them that you really love them. It says "I appreciate you...you are valuable to me". Just start by praising your husband; brag on him; build him up and encourage him. As mentioned earlier; don't question him when he has to correct the kids; As long as he's not abusing them, that's what he's supposed to do. Your kids know if you respect him or not. Be an example. If you continue to reverence him and make every effort to honor him, and praise him for his achievements, it can make a huge difference in your home. Do that, and pretty soon, you'll hear him and the kids praising you too.

Edited by heartstrings
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I have a couple things. First, I want to rebuke all those who make any emphasis on the "Bible doesn't command women to love their husbands." Heartstrings pointed out how this is bogus based on Titus 2:4, but I want to go further. It is sort of like those who use Ephesians 5:21 to counter those who bring up (or in any way discuss) Ephesians 5:22. To make any kind of point out of it is to corrupt the word of God by watering down its teachings. It is dishonest.

Second, I hear a lot of mention of women who treat their husbands poorly and by manipulation usurp the position of authority. I've heard pastoral counsel that basically amounts to "it takes 2 to tango, fix your half--give 100%." This to me is a cop-out. It does not deal with the specifics. What advice can be given to a man in such a case? I personally believe it is improper to try to tell a man that if he does his part, she'll come around. What is the scriptural basis for this?

Edited by Captain Claptrap
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Obey the Word of God and trust God for the results.

Part of this should involve fervent prayer for your wife as well as everyone in your family. Pray specific prayers for individuals as well as general prayers for your family. Setting aside a specific daily time just for this purpose would be a good idea. Fasting along with this at least some of the time would be a good idea as well.

There are no "easy" answers beyond the "easy" answer Scripture gives us, and that is to obey God and leave the results in His hands.

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CC - actually, your rebuke is misplaced. The verse in Titus is an instruction for the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands...it's not a command for women to love their husbands. A woman is to reverence her husband and submit to him. A man is to love his wife. If done according to scripture, love grows in an unbelieving way between a man and his wife. As the couple has children, the mother is able to manifest her love for her husband for her daughter(s) to learn (if they have any). Sadly, in this day and age, biblical principle is not followed in even many Christian homes, and so daughters do not learn this - that is where older Christian women come in, to teach biblical principles of love to the younger who do not know how to love their husbands. And it begins with submission and respect.

The scriptural basis for a man doing what he should and his wife coming around lies in his headship. It's not always going to happen, but if the man is the head of his home that he should be, the woman is more likely to want to do what is right. Each person has a free will and makes his or her own choice, but if a man leads the way he should - strong, yet with love and compassion, remembering that his wife is the weaker vessel - a woman is more likely to respond. Now, as has been stated, if a wife is right with God, she will submit and reverence simply because that is God's will for her. That really does make it easier for a man to lead. But if she isn't right with God, and refuses to submit or respect her hubby, his biblical leadership can guide her to be what she should be.

CC, we always reap what we sow. When a marriage starts out to be fairly godly, and the head of the home allows it to stay that way, that's the way it stays...unless God convicts, and the hubby changes things. It is much easier to allow things to remain the same, rather than rocking the boat - especially if patterns have been developed over the years so that habits are formed. I know myself that, when we've been doing something a certain way and my hubby says we're changing, just like that, no explanation, my NATURAL instinct is to argue, fuss or drag my feet. Totally wrong reaction on my part, but avoidable on his....

We have learned over the years that, if he is burdened about a change needed in our family, we discuss it. Oh, not to decide if it's going to happen, never never! It's going to happen, because he believes it's right. What I mean is, he will sit me down and tell me something like, "Something's been bothering me, and the Lord has shown me that it has to change...." And then he goes into what it is. And you know what? Usually God's been working on me for the very same thing!!

Do you have devotions with the family? If you do, you can begin to instruct in areas you see need to be shored up. Maybe sit down with your wife and discuss with her, in a calm, non-accusing way, things that you see that could benefit the family if changed. And then, love your wife.

A man doesn't love his wife just because he lets her have her way! I'm not talking about that. What I mean is - do you leave your wife little notes? Maybe get her flowers once in a while? How about take her out to dinner, or even just pack a picnic and take her to the park for a surprise. Give her your attention. Wives truly crave to spend time with their husbands. If a wife doesn't want to spend time alone with her hubby, then that's all the more reason that they should!!

Be careful of pushing for too much, too fast. That can cause attitude problems with your wife and with any kids. But be loving, be firm...and most of all, be sure the change is scriptural.

It is a case of "you've made your bed." Only you can decide if you have to lie in it now.

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CC - actually, your rebuke is misplaced. The verse in Titus is an instruction for the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands...it's not a command for women to love their husbands. A woman is to reverence her husband and submit to him. A man is to love his wife. If done according to scripture, love grows in an unbelieving way between a man and his wife. As the couple has children, the mother is able to manifest her love for her husband for her daughter(s) to learn (if they have any). Sadly, in this day and age, biblical principle is not followed in even many Christian homes, and so daughters do not learn this - that is where older Christian women come in, to teach biblical principles of love to the younger who do not know how to love their husbands. And it begins with submission and respect.

The scriptural basis for a man doing what he should and his wife coming around lies in his headship. It's not always going to happen, but if the man is the head of his home that he should be, the woman is more likely to want to do what is right. Each person has a free will and makes his or her own choice, but if a man leads the way he should - strong, yet with love and compassion, remembering that his wife is the weaker vessel - a woman is more likely to respond. Now, as has been stated, if a wife is right with God, she will submit and reverence simply because that is God's will for her. That really does make it easier for a man to lead. But if she isn't right with God, and refuses to submit or respect her hubby, his biblical leadership can guide her to be what she should be.

CC, we always reap what we sow. When a marriage starts out to be fairly godly, and the head of the home allows it to stay that way, that's the way it stays...unless God convicts, and the hubby changes things. It is much easier to allow things to remain the same, rather than rocking the boat - especially if patterns have been developed over the years so that habits are formed. I know myself that, when we've been doing something a certain way and my hubby says we're changing, just like that, no explanation, my NATURAL instinct is to argue, fuss or drag my feet. Totally wrong reaction on my part, but avoidable on his....

We have learned over the years that, if he is burdened about a change needed in our family, we discuss it. Oh, not to decide if it's going to happen, never never! It's going to happen, because he believes it's right. What I mean is, he will sit me down and tell me something like, "Something's been bothering me, and the Lord has shown me that it has to change...." And then he goes into what it is. And you know what? Usually God's been working on me for the very same thing!!

Do you have devotions with the family? If you do, you can begin to instruct in areas you see need to be shored up. Maybe sit down with your wife and discuss with her, in a calm, non-accusing way, things that you see that could benefit the family if changed. And then, love your wife.

A man doesn't love his wife just because he lets her have her way! I'm not talking about that. What I mean is - do you leave your wife little notes? Maybe get her flowers once in a while? How about take her out to dinner, or even just pack a picnic and take her to the park for a surprise. Give her your attention. Wives truly crave to spend time with their husbands. If a wife doesn't want to spend time alone with her hubby, then that's all the more reason that they should!!

Be careful of pushing for too much, too fast. That can cause attitude problems with your wife and with any kids. But be loving, be firm...and most of all, be sure the change is scriptural.

It is a case of "you've made your bed." Only you can decide if you have to lie in it now.

:goodpost: Nothing really to add as this is such a good post. You are so correct that few women are raised to be proper (biblical) wives and even many Christian wives rebel against being a biblical wife. Sad to say, the reverse is true with regards to men.
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CC - actually, your rebuke is misplaced. The verse in Titus is an instruction for the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands...

Yes. So wouldn't you agree that those younger women are then obligated to obey that command? Assuming you agree this far, I then ask where the command originated from? You see, wives indeed ARE commanded to love their husbands.





The scriptural basis for a man doing what he should and his wife coming around lies in his headship. It's not always going to happen, but if the man is the head of his home that he should be, the woman is more likely to want to do what is right. Each person has a free will and makes his or her own choice, but if a man leads the way he should - strong, yet with love and compassion, remembering that his wife is the weaker vessel - a woman is more likely to respond. Now, as has been stated, if a wife is right with God, she will submit and reverence simply because that is God's will for her. That really does make it easier for a man to lead. But if she isn't right with God, and refuses to submit or respect her hubby, his biblical leadership can guide her to be what she should be.

CC, we always reap what we sow. When a marriage starts out to be fairly godly, and the head of the home allows it to stay that way, that's the way it stays...unless God convicts, and the hubby changes things. It is much easier to allow things to remain the same, rather than rocking the boat - especially if patterns have been developed over the years so that habits are formed. I know myself that, when we've been doing something a certain way and my hubby says we're changing, just like that, no explanation, my NATURAL instinct is to argue, fuss or drag my feet. Totally wrong reaction on my part, but avoidable on his....

We have learned over the years that, if he is burdened about a change needed in our family, we discuss it. Oh, not to decide if it's going to happen, never never! It's going to happen, because he believes it's right. What I mean is, he will sit me down and tell me something like, "Something's been bothering me, and the Lord has shown me that it has to change...." And then he goes into what it is. And you know what? Usually God's been working on me for the very same thing!!

Do you have devotions with the family? If you do, you can begin to instruct in areas you see need to be shored up. Maybe sit down with your wife and discuss with her, in a calm, non-accusing way, things that you see that could benefit the family if changed. And then, love your wife.

A man doesn't love his wife just because he lets her have her way! I'm not talking about that. What I mean is - do you leave your wife little notes? Maybe get her flowers once in a while? How about take her out to dinner, or even just pack a picnic and take her to the park for a surprise. Give her your attention. Wives truly crave to spend time with their husbands. If a wife doesn't want to spend time alone with her hubby, then that's all the more reason that they should!!

Be careful of pushing for too much, too fast. That can cause attitude problems with your wife and with any kids. But be loving, be firm...and most of all, be sure the change is scriptural.

It is a case of "you've made your bed." Only you can decide if you have to lie in it now.


I can't really argue with most of your practical advice. I'm sure I can do a better job showing her love. My problem still is that you haven't really given me a scriptural basis for the problem claim. You have to have a text that proves cause and effect: if the husband does his part right, the wife will submit, or whatever other thing she's not doing. Part of my issue here is that this claim has the effect of subtly giving the wife a pass for bad behavior on the basis of "he's not _________ , so that is my excuse."
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Scripture tells us we are responsible for our walk before the Lord. Regardless of how our spouse conducts themselves and regardless of how they react or respond to our walking with God, we are commanded to obey the Word in our lives.

Throughout Scripture it is clear that we can't force others to follow or obey God, but we can live the proper example and we can pray. We know from Scripture that God hears and answers the prayers of His people and we also know the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much!

If we do what God tells us to do, we can trust God to work in our spouses hearts.

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Scripture tells us we are responsible for our walk before the Lord. Regardless of how our spouse conducts themselves and regardless of how they react or respond to our walking with God, we are commanded to obey the Word in our lives.

Throughout Scripture it is clear that we can't force others to follow or obey God, but we can live the proper example and we can pray. We know from Scripture that God hears and answers the prayers of His people and we also know the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much!

If we do what God tells us to do, we can trust God to work in our spouses hearts.


You had me up until the last line. We CAN trust God, but we have no promise that He will change someone else.
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This is one reason I dislike Debi Pearl's book Created to Be His Helpmeet. It gives the impression that "if I do my part, he will come around." Not only is this a faulty motivation to "do my part," but it also gives false hope.

On the other hand, I Peter 3:1 says, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that if any obey not the word they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives." I don't think this verse gives any guarantees, but the principle that can be drawn out is that one's godly conduct does have a good influence on those around him/her. But is that the motivation for the good conduct? No...What is the "likewise" in this verse referring to? If we look at the prior verses, we will see that it is referring to the example of Christ, who selflessly gave himself up for us, expecting nothing in return (see ch. 2). If the strength to submit, or love, or whatever else, is rooted in the hope that "someone else will change if I do this," instead of being rooted in the grace of God which can give enduring strength, then we will burn out fast, and our efforts will certainly be frustrated. But if we think and act as Christ did, we will please God, no matter what anyone else does.

Edited by Annie
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This is one reason I dislike Debi Pearl's book Created to Be His Helpmeet. It gives the impression that "if I do my part, he will come around." Not only is this a faulty motivation to "do my part," but it also gives false hope.

On the other hand, I Peter 3:1 says, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that if any obey not the word they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives." I don't think this verse gives any guarantees, but the principle that can be drawn out is that one's godly conduct does have a good influence on those around him/her. But is that the motivation for the good conduct? No...What is the "likewise" in this verse referring to? If we look at the prior verses, we will see that it is referring to the example of Christ, who selflessly gave himself up for us, expecting nothing in return (see ch. 2). If the strength to submit, or love, or whatever else, is rooted in the hope that "someone else will change if I do this," instead of being rooted in the grace of God which can give enduring strength, then we will burn out fast, and our efforts will certainly be frustrated. But if we think and act as Christ did, we will please God, no matter what anyone else does.

:amen:
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Yes. So wouldn't you agree that those younger women are then obligated to obey that command? Assuming you agree this far, I then ask where the command originated from? You see, wives indeed ARE commanded to love their husbands.
No, CC, you're reading something into the verses that isn't there. Any command or exhortation in those verses is given to the older women. They are to teach (train) younger women how to be the right kind of Christian, the right kind of wife, and the right kind of mother. That verse isn't a command for a wife to love her husband - it is simply stating that loving a husband properly can (and should) be taught. But as in anything else in life, what is taught isn't always caught. Love is an act of the will, even though our society has fused it completely into an emotional pitter-pat feeling (don't get me wrong, the feelings are part of it, too, but not even the majority part). If a young woman is taught biblical principles, and is blessed enough to have a mother and/or older woman to model them, she will more likely follow them herself. That is the idea in these verses. Again, not a command to wives to love their husbands...anymore than it is a command to love their children. Running a household takes training - from the proper way to conduct oneself as a Christian, to the proper way to conduct oneself as a wife, to the proper way to conduct oneself as a mother.



I can't really argue with most of your practical advice. I'm sure I can do a better job showing her love. My problem still is that you haven't really given me a scriptural basis for the problem claim. You have to have a text that proves cause and effect: if the husband does his part right, the wife will submit, or whatever other thing she's not doing. Part of my issue here is that this claim has the effect of subtly giving the wife a pass for bad behavior on the basis of "he's not _________ , so that is my excuse."

Oh, my! You are absolutely correct that a wife cannot say her hubby is or isn't ______, so she can ______ with impunity! That isn't at all what I meant. Text that proves cause and effect? Well, actually, there isn't any scripture that says, "husbands, if thou wilt do such and such, thy wife will happily submit." (or plug in whatever other word you wish)

If the husband is loving his wife the way God tells him to (as his own body...), and if he is obeying 1 Peter 3:7 - knowing his wife very well, giving her honor as the weaker vessel (this is not talking about her mind....), the wife is more likely to desire to follow. Don't get me wrong - there is no excuse for her not to submit. I've talked to more than one woman who has argued that she doesn't need to submit to her husband because he isn't right with God. Wives are not given that option (I'm not talking about him ordering her to go out and commit some gross sin...) But a wife's lack of submission is, conversely, not an excuse for her husband not to obey 1 Peter 3:7 (and other verses dealing with how a husband is supposed to treat the wife)

As I stated in my previous post, and as Annie pointed out, there is no guarantee that "if I do this, this will for sure happen." I do believe that 1 Peter teaches us that God can and will bless greatly if we are what we are supposed to be. That means being right with God ourselves. Manipulation is never right, whether it's by the husband or by the wife. And, simply doing certain things to get certain results is manipulation, even if it's done with the best of motives.

The first and most important thing for each of us to do, whether we are wives or whether we are husbands, is to make sure our relationship with the Lord is what it ought to be. Instead of the first prayer we pray being "Lord change my spouse," it ought to be "Lord, show me where I need to change." Perhaps there will be no change needed, but we need to understand that our relationships with each other can only be what they should be if our relationship to God is what it should be. I know that sounds like a lot of repetition, but it is important.
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Maybe I'm missing something big, but I don't understand the quibble about whether or not wives are commanded to love their husbands. I think they are. Not only is the command implicit in Titus 2, but we are repeatedly enjoined to "love one another" as believers in Christ. That would include loving husbands, wives, children, etc. (Or maybe that would fall more under "loving our enemies" ;) ...but any way you slice it, a wife should indeed love her husband.)

Like I said, I don't see what the big deal is about this. Maybe someone could tell me what it has to do with this discussion.

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