Raising children

[matie-k]

Do you think it's impossible to lead your children to be "better" than you are? Is it probable that they'll be the same or lower than you? (spiritually speaking)

[Annie]

Interesting question, matie-k. What do you mean by "better" and "lower?"

IMO, I am not the one doing most of the "leading" in my kids' lives...at least not the ones who know the Lord. Sure, my husband and I influence them more than any other human being, but we only do that positively as we ourselves are led by the Spirit. The "leading" is not done by us, but by God, whether directly through my kids' hearts, or indirectly through their parents' examples and instruction. IOW, when it comes down to it, it's up to me to be surrendered and LET the Lord lead through me. And, since there's no limit to what God can do, I think it's entirely possible, even probable, that my kids will enjoy a closer walk with the Lord than I do. But that fact has nothing to do with me or my leading.

The counterbalance to God's leading, of course, is the influence of the world, the flesh, and the devil. As the world gets worse and worse, and ungodly influences are more and more ubiquitous and pervasive, I tend to think that Christians in general will decline in spiritual desire and grow in apathy, just as they have been for years now. But, to answer your question, of course it is possible for a child to grow more mature in the faith than his parents. I think that all of us could probably think of examples of this happening.

[bzmomo7]

I agree, Annie. My husband and I were just talking about this over the weekend. My hubby said that he thinks we need to hook our children up with different "mentors" if possible who are strong in those areas that we are weak in, and to ask the Lord to help us by putting those people in the paths of our children.

[HappyChristian]

Both good posts!!! I just wanted to add:

The Bible teaches us that we will reap what we sow. If we sow good character into our children, we will reap the rewards of seeing that good character grow, etc. The law of reaping and sowing is that we reap more than we sow.

If we, as Christians, follow the Lord's guidance in our lives (yes, I know - we're not perfect...believe me, I live with myself every day and know that well!!!! :sad ), we will be able to point our children in the way they should go - and we will see them become stronger Christians than we are.

What is that way? Christ!! He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Not only for eternity, but for this life, also. If we make Christ central to our lives, and following Him of primo importance, our children will see that and do likewise once they are saved. If, however, what we have is only outward, our children will see that and do likewise and worse, and possibly never get saved. Make sense?

[futurehope]

I agree' date=' Annie. My husband and I were just talking about this over the weekend. My hubby said that he thinks we need to hook our children up with different "mentors" if possible who are strong in those areas that we are weak in, and to ask the Lord to help us by putting those people in the paths of our children.[/quote']

This is an excellent idea. I find very few parents are willing to do this out of selfishness - they are afraid that, as their children mature, they will grow to have a closer relationship with these other mentors than with their parents. Pretty foolish, huh? It happens every day in millions of homes. I really enjoy knowing that my children have more places than I can count on one hand that they can basically call home and go to those people for strong doctrinal advice that I trust. Talk about building character, this does it. Can our children be raised to be better christians and servants for Christ through their example - no doubt the answer is yes if we trust the Lord in His leading and make use of the other people that God puts in our lives to positively influence their up-bringing.

God Bless,

Futurehope

[Anon]

As a slightly different viewpoint (although I agree with the above)...

I've seen some kids turn out way more spiritual than their parents.

Seen other kids whose parents have "done everything right" that rebel.

I think a good sized part of this ends up being the free will. My husband came from a family and every member is different. He is the strongest of any of them. My family was saved and everything but even I went a bit "stricter" maybe than I was raised. It does have to do with your associations and your desires and choices. The parents can direct the kids to go the right way...but then to an extent, the kids decide in their teen years especially, how much they will deviate, whether good or bad, from the way their parents are training them.

Of course if the parents have striven to be a good example and pray, although they are never perfect, I think the kids have a better chance of doing right or even going farther and stronger....but the longer I look around at families, the more I truly think "free will" has a huge part of this thing. God doesn't force His children to do right...how much less can we "force" ours? We can lead them and train them, but we cannot force them, at least not once they are out on their own.

[HappyChristian]

As a slightly different viewpoint (although I agree with the above)...

I've seen some kids turn out way more spiritual than their parents.

Seen other kids whose parents have "done everything right" that rebel.

I think a good sized part of this ends up being the free will. My husband came from a family and every member is different. He is the strongest of any of them. My family was saved and everything but even I went a bit "stricter" maybe than I was raised. It does have to do with your associations and your desires and choices. The parents can direct the kids to go the right way...but then to an extent, the kids decide in their teen years especially, how much they will deviate, whether good or bad, from the way their parents are training them.

Of course if the parents have striven to be a good example and pray, although they are never perfect, I think the kids have a better chance of doing right or even going farther and stronger....but the longer I look around at families, the more I truly think "free will" has a huge part of this thing. God doesn't force His children to do right...how much less can we "force" ours? We can lead them and train them, but we cannot force them, at least not once they are out on their own.

This is true, Kita, to a certain point. But if a child is taught to truly honor their parents, they will follow the path the parents have put them on. Free will is there, yes. But so is training instilled from babyhood.

Everyone in any family is different - a unique individual. But God lays out the proper ways to rear children in His Word. And if it's done God's way, the training will stick. That's not to say they won't make mistakes, and maybe even stray...but their training will come back to haunt them if they do stray!

[Anon]

I guess I was more referring to all the bazillion kids who are out serving the Lord today though they have lost or saved/rebellious parents. Somehow, free will came into play and now these kids are "better" (if I can use the term) than their parents. The parents may have done something to build character into their kids but more often it was just God working in their lives and their own personality and life circumstances.

The OP was saying basically "Will the kids stay equal, spiritually, with the parents" and from what I've seen, that is usually NOT the norm...the children usually go one way or the other. I've seen some that are carbon copies...but at least half go their own way, whether better or worse.

[futurehope]

Free will definitely plays a part in all of our lives, but we are also creatures of habit. If parents teach their children to be in the habit of serving the Lord, they are most likely to stay with it. Of course external influences can bring destruction, but when parents turn out a half-grown (spiritually speaking), curious child to the world they will be led astray.

God's word is always true and it says:

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Part of this is training that child until they are an adult (spiritually) and grounded in the Lord. Too often parents and children alike say, "Well at 18 you're an adult and free." If that's going to be true in your home, you had better be ready to meet the deadline, because the requirement of God does not change just because society placed an age on it.

Too many parents try to blame the child, but I say that 100% of the responsibility is on the parents, because that's what God's word teaches us.

Now I am not saying that you are a bad person because you have a child that has gone astray or that you are a bad parent. Parenting is tough and, even with the best parents, mistakes happen. That is why it is so important that we keep our children before the Lord in prayer. If you have made a mistake where a child is concerned, just admit it and confess it to the Lord without trying to blame a child for not raising themself right. Just my :2cents

God Bless,

Futurehope

[matie-k]

Thank you all - this has been encouraging. My children are only 3 and 4 months, so they obviously haven't had time to stray yet. I used to be so confident about parenting until my firstborn turned oh, about 2 1/2! It is also encouraging to note that our daughters have a great daddy, and I grew up with an unsaved daddy. That's so important for them and such an advantage over what I had. My dad was a sweet and gentle dad but never gave any spiritual leadership to me.

[John81]

As a slightly different viewpoint (although I agree with the above)...

I've seen some kids turn out way more spiritual than their parents.

Seen other kids whose parents have "done everything right" that rebel.

I think a good sized part of this ends up being the free will. My husband came from a family and every member is different. He is the strongest of any of them. My family was saved and everything but even I went a bit "stricter" maybe than I was raised. It does have to do with your associations and your desires and choices. The parents can direct the kids to go the right way...but then to an extent, the kids decide in their teen years especially, how much they will deviate, whether good or bad, from the way their parents are training them.

Of course if the parents have striven to be a good example and pray, although they are never perfect, I think the kids have a better chance of doing right or even going farther and stronger....but the longer I look around at families, the more I truly think "free will" has a huge part of this thing. God doesn't force His children to do right...how much less can we "force" ours? We can lead them and train them, but we cannot force them, at least not once they are out on their own.

I've seen all that over the years, even within my own family. In the end, it's up to the child to decide for themselves whether they will serve the Lord or not.

As has been mentioned, if the child is raised biblically then they are much more likely to accept Christ, but not all do. :sad

[futurehope]

As has been mentioned, if the child is raised biblically then they are much more likely to accept Christ, but not all do. :sad

I disagree, at least to some extent, and maybe it's not even that we disagree. I just want to make it very clear that God's word cannot lie and it says:

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

This is simple cause and effect - or is it? I prefer to call it "command and promise" or "sowing and reaping". The fact is, if parents do everything right, their children will serve God and accept His salvation.

I just don't like to hear people place it all on the child and not accept their mistakes that they have made (because we all have) as parents. And our mistakes DO affect our children's decisions in life.

God Bless,

Futurehope

[Annie]

The fact is' date=' if parents do everything right, their children will serve God and accept His salvation.[/quote']

Um...This doesn't give me much hope. I don't "do everything right," and I don't know anyone else who does.

I'd have to join John in disagreeing with you. "Train up a child" is in the book of Proverbs (22:6). Proverbs, as we know, are general truths about how life works. Take, for example, Prov. 15:1: "A soft answer turneth away wrath." Does a soft answer ALWAYS turn away wrath? I've been in situations where a soft answer failed to abate anger; in fact, it annoyed the other person so much that he got even angrier (Jesus before His crucifixion is a perfect example of this, as are various martyrs before their deaths, whose soft answers served only to whip the crowds into a frenzy). Does that mean this verse isn't true? No...but it is a proverb, not a promise or guarantee for every person and every situation. It is a general truth, a guideline. Same with Proverbs 22:6. It is generally true that people are able to be "trained" to follow a certain course, and adopt certain habits, and that they will continue on in the way that they have been trained during their formative years. But this verse is only part of the picture; it doesn't address the child's inborn depravity and ability to resist training. It doesn't deal with the exceptions; it just states a general truth. Other Scriptures inform our thinking, and help to clarify things. Earlier, you said that the responsibility is 100% the parent's. I think this statement reveals that perhaps you haven't considererd verses that hold every person (not their parents) responsible for his own sin. If the parents are truly the "responsible party," then they would go to hell if their child doesn't believe in Christ...The blame would be theirs. But we see from Scripture that this clearly is not the case.



Boy, do they ever! But God's grace is greater than my mistakes. If my children turn out to be people who have a vibrant relationship with the Lord, it will be in spite of me, not because of me. As with every other aspect of sanctification and growth, there is a delicate balance here. It is not "up to the parent" to "produce" godly kids. (I used to think that...and, oh, how burdening that was! I don't do everything right, as hard as I try! I fail daily.) On the other hand, parents who completely fail their children (set poor examples, are angry/negligent/abusive, etc.) will affect their children adversely. Also, if a parent makes excuses, doesn't try, and explains that they're "just praying" or "leaving it up to God only" to guide their children, that's an imbalanced perspective. Effective parenting combines the two concepts of "God working" and "parent working." To me, parenting is constant surrender...getting myself out of the way...letting God work in me and through me. It's not "all up to me" or "all up to God." If my child fails to follow God, it's not "all my fault." If my child follows God, it's not "all because of me." There are other people in the picture: the child (his will) and God (his working).

[matie-k]

Thank you Annie. If that verse is taken as a for sure promise, then things seem kind of hopeless since all parents mess up sometimes.

[futurehope]

I have yet to meet a child who strayed that their parents "raised biblically" without obvious flaws. Certainly, children will leave the fold from time to time (as we all have), but they won't completely turn from God in their life if they are raised according to God's word. But parents will claim that they did a good job and their child just messed up. Sorry, I've never yet seen a situation where that is actually the truth. Parents just don't want to take responsibility.

God Bless,

Futurehope