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A book I am working on


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From the time I was fourteen, I knew that I wanted to be a good husband and a good father. I was very observative to parenting and made a vow that I would not ever discipline my children out of anger, but out of love for them and responsibility to my heavenly Father. Since that time, I have come up with a "set of steps" to use in virtually any disciplinary situation to keep me from acting out of anger and, thereby, being abusive. I have applied these steps with my children and they have been very effective. Due to the effectiveness, I have decided to write a book detailing these steps with hopes to help other parents to have the same results and keep them focussed on training and not abusing. Below is a very basic outline of the steps and possibly chapters for the book. There will obviously be much detail and suggestions added, but I would like to hear what you all think about this "discipline guide" I have put together. I also don't have a title yet and am open to suggestions. Thanks.

Steps for Virtually any Disciplinary Situation

1. Immediate response.
a. This is a three step process.
i. Recognize the problem or misbehavior.
ii. Respond calmly ? not react in anger ? and stop the situation.
iii. Separate the child from the situation and separate yourself from the child for a
moment if you feel you are angry.

2. Assess the situation.
a. Take a facts only look at what was happening and try to see precisely what was taking place
through eliminating emotions to give clarity

3. Identify the motive.
a. This is a very important step. Why was the child doing what they were doing?
i. Did they know what they were doing was wrong?
ii. Were they doing something they have observed you doing?
iii. Is there an external source that has influenced them to act this way?

4. Confirm with the child.
a. Once you believe you have determined the child?s motives, talk with them and be sure you have a
clear understanding of their motives. This will be key in determining the appropriate course of
action.

5. Explain why what they did was wrong and why they are being disciplined.
a. Too often children are just disciplined and don?t fully understand what they did wrong or why it
was wrong. This can lead to them unintentionally doing the same thing wrong again in another
situation. This is part of teaching them to understand right and wrong.

6. Determine the appropriate course of discipline.
a. I do believe that the bible teaches us to exercise corporal punishment, but we are not limited to
just this. Sometimes the course of action may be anything from a heart to heart or a stern talking
to, to a ?time out? standing in the corner, grounding, or spanking. You have to recognize your
child?s personality and what will work with them most effectively and understand that your
ultimate goal is training their will and not hurting them or breaking their spirit. I will note that
asking the child, ?What do you think I should do?? is almost always inappropriate. You are the
parent and need to make this determination and then explain to the child the law of sowing and
reaping and that you have a responsibility to carry out this discipline because you love them.

7. Carry out the disciplinary action.
a. This is the part that we really do not like as parents, but it must be done.

8. Reaffirm your love to the child.
a. This may very well be the most important of all the steps. Take time to reassure the child that
you love them and that is why you discipline them. Make sure they know that, though you may be
disappointed in their actions, you are not mad at them and you certainly do not hate or despise
them. Rather, you love them so much you are willing to train them up according to God?s word.


I look forward to your comments. Thanks.

God Bless,

Futurehope

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Sounds great! Have you read Shepherding a Child's Heart and What the Bible Says About Child Training?

A few comments: When trying to pin down motives, we ask the child first. "Why did you do this?" Sometimes the reasoning is something I'd never have guessed. Many times the child doesn't know, and has to be told, "You did this because your heart was selfish," or "You said that because your heart was proud." IMO, behavior is surface...Sure, it must be addressed and dealt with, but, as you said, dealing with the heart is crucial.

Another thing I do to nurture the heart is to talk about what the child should think the NEXT time he is tempted with this sin. I always try to use Scripture to identify the problem and the solution. Usually, one of my first questions to the child is, "What does the Bible say about what you did?" We also pray when the discipline is done (confess the sin to the Lord and ask for help not to do it again), and talk about what restitution should be made (forgiveness sought, etc.).

There's more...I really do like the way Tedd Tripp explains things in Shepherding. IMO, that's one of the best books I've read on disciplining children.

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Future - it looks good! The only thing I'm hesitant about is the checking for motives. The problem I can see with that is that sometimes a child can anticipate what is going to be asked, and knows how to answer to create the impression that they didn't know it was wrong...in other words, lying.

Annie's approach seems to be a good answer to that. We used that with our son, too, in different ways.

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Future - it looks good! The only thing I'm hesitant about is the checking for motives. The problem I can see with that is that sometimes a child can anticipate what is going to be asked, and knows how to answer to create the impression that they didn't know it was wrong...in other words, lying.

Annie's approach seems to be a good answer to that. We used that with our son, too, in different ways.


Really? I always check for motives with my kids.....they don't necessarily know it, though. I particularly watch for those times when one kid has given into the temptation of sibling rivalry and is trying to "stick it to" another child through creative measures that under normal circumstances might not induce punishment. Yes, there ARE kids who are born legalists who would make superb lawyers and know how to work the system! I have a couple of those......and some days I think it is really unfair that God gave me more than one of that type!
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Really? I always check for motives with my kids.....they don't necessarily know it, though. I particularly watch for those times when one kid has given into the temptation of sibling rivalry and is trying to "stick it to" another child through creative measures that under normal circumstances might not induce punishment. Yes, there ARE kids who are born legalists who would make superb lawyers and know how to work the system! I have a couple of those......and some days I think it is really unfair that God gave me more than one of that type!

I'm sorry - I should have specified: I mean when we ask "why did you do _____?" I agree - I think we should constantly be assessing our children's motives...even their motives for doing right!!! Part of parental responsibility is to train them to have the proper motivation!!
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I assume that the posts here so far are talking about step number 4: Confirm with the child. Yes, asking the child why they did something is often the easiest way to go about this. I didn't offer any details on this in my OP as it is just an outline - if you want to critique the whole book, you'll have to buy it :Bleh I think Annie was implying that she prefers to just ask the child first and not determine what you think the motive was first. I disagree with this for the reason that will be explained in the full text of the book. In short, it's about taking time to understand your child without them having to tell you everything. It also allows you to alomost "predict" their behavior at times because you are constantly engaging your mind in understanding "what makes them tick".

God Bless,

Futurehope

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I think Annie was implying that she prefers to just ask the child first and not determine what you think the motive was first. I disagree with this for the reason that will be explained in the full text of the book. In short' date=' it's about taking time to understand your child without them having to tell you everything.[/quote']
Good point. I'll clarify by saying that I'm not asking them because I don't know (because it's usually pretty obvious, especially with younger kids). I'm asking them for the same reason God asked Adam the questions in the garden...not because I don't know, but because I want THEM to recognize the real issue and think through their own motives, not just acknowledge that the surface behavior was wrong and take their licks. I want them to have a change of heart, not just of behavior. I want them to know that motives matter more than actions...that even a "right" action done with a wrong motive is displeasing to God.
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[quote="Annie"][quote="futurehope"]I think Annie was implying that she prefers to just ask the child first and not determine what you think the motive was first. I disagree with this for the reason that will be explained in the full text of the book. In short, it's about taking time to understand your child without them having to tell you everything.[/quote]
Good point. I'll clarify by saying that I'm not asking them because I don't know (because it's usually pretty obvious, especially with younger kids). I'm asking them for the same reason God asked Adam the questions in the garden...not because I don't know, but because I want THEM to recognize the real issue and think through their own motives, not just acknowledge that the surface behavior was wrong and take their licks. I want them to have a change of heart, not just of behavior. I want them to know that motives matter more than actions...that even a "right" action done with a wrong motive is displeasing to God.[/quote]
:amen: :goodpost:

We obviously just misunderstood eachother before. I certainly agree 100%. That's why I have two steps dealing with motive. It's so important for both the parent and the child to understand motives. Your last statement is so right on - I won't even attempt to expound upon it as I don't think I could say it any better than you already have.

God Bless,

Futurehope

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Sounds great! Have you read Shepherding a Child's Heart and What the Bible Says About Child Training?

A few comments: When trying to pin down motives, we ask the child first. "Why did you do this?" Sometimes the reasoning is something I'd never have guessed. Many times the child doesn't know, and has to be told, "You did this because your heart was selfish," or "You said that because your heart was proud." IMO, behavior is surface...Sure, it must be addressed and dealt with, but, as you said, dealing with the heart is crucial.

Another thing I do to nurture the heart is to talk about what the child should think the NEXT time he is tempted with this sin. I always try to use Scripture to identify the problem and the solution. Usually, one of my first questions to the child is, "What does the Bible say about what you did?" We also pray when the discipline is done (confess the sin to the Lord and ask for help not to do it again), and talk about what restitution should be made (forgiveness sought, etc.).

There's more...I really do like the way Tedd Tripp explains things in Shepherding. IMO, that's one of the best books I've read on disciplining children.


Speaking of "Why did you do this (my mother did the same to me too, I did know how to answer it)" There are parents who will ask "WHO did this or Did you do this" (Again, my mother ask this question and all five of us would answer "I dunno" ) I think it would just encourage lying and it's hard to tell who is telling the truth. You can't let the child get away with lying so it is better not to ask a question at all. I would just plainly state to ALL the kids that this was wrong and probably make all them do extra chores or help clean up the mess. When one disobey, the whole household is affected, hoping it help the disobedience one feel guilty for putting his brothers and sisters into this.
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Speaking of "Why did you do this (my mother did the same to me too' date=' I did know how to answer it)" There are parents who will ask "WHO did this or Did you do this" (Again, my mother ask this question and all five of us would answer "I dunno" ) I think it would just encourage lying and it's hard to tell who is telling the truth. You can't let the child get away with lying so it is better not to ask a question at all.[/quote']
Again, let me clarify that I'm not asking because I don't know and need them to inform me. I ask for their benefit, not mine. There's a saying that goes, "A question stirs the conscience; an accusation hardens the heart." IMO, it is more beneficial for the child to be gently guided to think about his action and the motives behind it, rather than just to be accused and "sentenced" for the behavior alone. Again, the issue really isn't behavior, anyway; it's the heart. It takes extra time and patience to work through this process, but IMO the results are well worth it.


Sometimes this approach may indeed be appropriate, although I would hesitate to actively punish those who are not guilty. Please don't think I'm criticizing you at all. Different situations call for different measures. As a rule, I try to address the root issue--the heart attitude--and then apply the appropriate disciplinary measures or consequences.
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I couldn't believe it because that is how my husband and I raised our only child! So I say nice peak at a very good book! It took alot of time for me to talk things thru but our son's in college now and so are all his buddies from growing up. It's not unusual to have one of them call here to talk to me about something. I think the big mistake parents make is they don't treat children as people with feelings, desires, broken hearts etc. I'm much better with boys I guess because I only have a son. They talk well right before bed laying in the dark and doing something together. Our son call's from college and includes me in his life--I feel honoured! He's home for Christmas break and we just sit and he'll go thru things about his desires, questions about me at that age, funny mistakes he made, problems he ran into and how he solved them. I'm really convienced if you stay close to your children growing up they'll stay close to you. Biggest things that stand out--they must trust your on their side meaning ---- not trying to destroy their fun---- only want the best for them and you must live out your faith and never ever bad mouth their other parent. Didn't intend to say so much but this is probably all my wisdom on childrearing!--pixiedust P.S. When you make a mistake aplogize to them and pray with them for anything you would pray about.

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