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Thinking about adopting

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ptwild
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Trust me, i've thought about it. I have a long term girlfriend and believe you me, she asks the same question. But I've decided that I'm a bachelor. It's just part of who I am. I need to be able to come and go as I want (both for professional and personal reasons) and I just don't want the type of commitment that comes with marriage. If I want to buy a new car, I don't want to have to even consider what someone else might want. If I want to move to Bali for a year, I want to be able to pack my bags and leave without ever consulting another soul. The only benefit of marriage that I can see (for me, I know that others have different ideas and I think that is perfectly fine) is having a few sons, but I've found myself in a situation where I can make that happen without the burden of a wife.


I'm curious, in light of what you have said above, is it your understanding that you will not have to consider what your adopted child might want as you make these life choices? Or, is it your impression you will be free to impose anything you choose upon the little tyke without considering or consulting he/she.
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I'm curious, in light of what you have said above, is it your understanding that you will not have to consider what your adopted child might want as you make these life choices? Or, is it your impression you will be free to impose anything you choose upon the little tyke without considering or consulting he/she.


That's a broad question in light of what I said above. As far as me getting married, no I would not consider what the child wants. As far as where we live and when, same answer. Of course, once he finishes grade school, he will board, so it really won't matter where I live.
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Then you really are not talking about being a father to the child. The adoption would be in order to be a financial custodian to insure you have someone to inherit your name and money?


Maybe in your opinion. I would be more than his "financial custodian." I would be his father. If his opinion or desires are relevant on a certain issue, they will be considered. But, as far as the things discussed in the post you were addressing, I just don't think his wants or desires are relevant.
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Trust me, i've thought about it. I have a long term girlfriend and believe you me, she asks the same question. But I've decided that I'm a bachelor. It's just part of who I am. I need to be able to come and go as I want (both for professional and personal reasons) and I just don't want the type of commitment that comes with marriage. If I want to buy a new car, I don't want to have to even consider what someone else might want. If I want to move to Bali for a year, I want to be able to pack my bags and leave without ever consulting another soul. The only benefit of marriage that I can see (for me, I know that others have different ideas and I think that is perfectly fine) is having a few sons, but I've found myself in a situation where I can make that happen without the burden of a wife.


If you adopt children they will or should tie you down just as much as a wife would. If they don't they prOBably are not getting the level of attention and priority they need. A child is not just someone to "continue your line" and one should carefully consider ones motives before adopting a child. Personally, I don't think the intentional circuMVention of Gods plan for a family is a good idea. God designed a family to begin with a man and a woman in marriage. If marriage isn't something your comfortable with because it would take to much commitment and personal sacrifice thats fine, but if your uncomfortable with virtually unlimited commitment and self sacrifice for the sake of someone else your not ready for children either. PrOBably not what you want to hear but something you should consider carefully anyway.
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If you adopt children they will or should tie you down just as much as a wife would. If they don't they prOBably are not getting the level of attention and priority they need. A child is not just someone to "continue your line" and one should carefully consider ones motives before adopting a child. Personally, I don't think the intentional circuMVention of Gods plan for a family is a good idea. God designed a family to begin with a man and a woman in marriage. If marriage isn't something your comfortable with because it would take to much commitment and personal sacrifice thats fine, but if your uncomfortable with virtually unlimited commitment and self sacrifice for the sake of someone else your not ready for children either. PrOBably not what you want to hear but something you should consider carefully anyway.


Thanks for the input but I just don't see how a child could "tie me down" like a wife could. And please, "intentional circuMVention of God's plan for a family?" I didn't orphan the child. He's there alone right now. No parents, no individuality. He has no family and I have no family (immediate family that is). I have a lot to offer as a father and I think that is a big waste if I don't use it.
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Thanks for the input but I just don't see how a child could "tie me down" like a wife could. And please, "intentional circuMVention of God's plan for a family?" I didn't orphan the child. He's there alone right now. No parents, no individuality. He has no family and I have no family (immediate family that is). I have a lot to offer as a father and I think that is a big waste if I don't use it.


I think your mistaken. What I see from your posts is someone coming at child adoption from a almost completely selfish perspective. I tell you this in love but you need a major attitude shift(Proverbs 27:6). If I was running that orphanage I could not in good conscience allow you to adopt a child at this time. Money is not the number one thing a child needs, they need unconditional love and unconditional commitment. They certainly don't need someone with a primary goal of continuing their own line and a "I am doing you a huge favor" attitude.

This isn't to give you a hard time, I am trying to keep you from messing up your own life and causing emotional damage to a child when you discover being a good father is absolutely nothing like what your posts show you imagine it to be.
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I think your mistaken. What I see from your posts is someone coming at child adoption from a almost completely selfish perspective. I tell you this in love but you need a major attitude shift(Proverbs 27:6). If I was running that orphanage I could not in good conscience allow you to adopt a child at this time. Money is not the number one thing a child needs, they need unconditional love and unconditional commitment. They certainly don't need someone with a primary goal of continuing their own line and a "I am doing you a huge favor" attitude.

This isn't to give you a hard time, I am trying to keep you from messing up your own life and causing emotional damage to a child when you discover being a good father is absolutely nothing like what your posts show you imagine it to be.


And that is exactly what he'll have. I really don't see how you could reasonably conclude otherwise based on what little you know about me.
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I'm rather floored, and that takes a lot. As a father, I agree with all those who say you are sounding selfish. A child does not tie you down as much as a wife does, a child ties you down a heck of a lot more then a wife. A wife is a teammate, a child is a dependent. You cannot be a good father and go run off to Bali for a year while your child is being raised by a boarding school.

I am unsure how I feel about a single dad and the "circuMVention of God's Plan" comment. So lets assume that I think that is just fine, I would not be for it for someone with your attitude as displayed here.

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I'm rather floored, and that takes a lot. As a father, I agree with all those who say you are sounding selfish. A child does not tie you down as much as a wife does, a child ties you down a heck of a lot more then a wife. A wife is a teammate, a child is a dependent. You cannot be a good father and go run off to Bali for a year while your child is being raised by a boarding school.

I am unsure how I feel about a single dad and the "circuMVention of God's Plan" comment. So lets assume that I think that is just fine, I would not be for it for someone with your attitude as displayed here.


I think we are getting into some cultural differences now. In my culture, the way I myself was raised, young men are sent to boarding school around the age of 12 or 13. They are educated by the Church in a proven manner that has exceptional results. I think my parents did a marvelous jOB with me and my siblings and I have no reason to doubt their method. The Bali comment was more for an example than any feasible reality (my work would never allow me to be away for something like that). I know hordes of folks that were raised this way and they are not any different from people who were home schooled throughout childhood (I dare say that they are prOBably a bit more decisive and self reliant). We've got to remember that this whole idea of being a "child" until we are eighteen years old is a fairly novel idea, one that I think is perpetuated by a paternalistic desire to control. Anyway, the way I was raised, after your sixth year of grammer school, it's time to leave home and become a man (I am by no means saying that this is the only, or even the best, mode of raising a child - it's just what seems to work for me and my extended family). And please remember, it is an infant I am considering for adoption. So there is plenty of time for me to raise him before he leaves home. I bounced around the glOBe with my father a bit when I was a child and I not only loved it, but believe that it was some of the best times I've ever had bonding with my dad.

I think some of you have this preconceived notion of how to raise a child and it's just a little bit of culture shock to believe that it can be done any other way. And believe me, I can understand where you are coming from. I couldn't imagine being with my parents until I was eighteen, or even longer. It's as bizarre a thought as getting in my car and driving to the moon.
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people, please leave him alone about marriage. He is happy how he was raised and he doesn't think the child would mind either.

Ptwild, If you decide to do this. You must be sure not to forgot your adopted child as you get involve with your work. his heart is not to mess with. It's bad enough that his parents had to give him up for adoption, it is worst when someone whom he is suppose to learn to trust and love neglect him for work.

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people, please leave him along about marriage. He is happy how he was raised and he doesn't think the child would mind either.

Ptwild, If you decide to do this. You must be sure not to forgot your adopted child as you get involve with your work. his heart is not to mess with. It's bad enough that his parents had to give him up for adoption, it is worst when someone whom he is suppose to learn to trust and love neglect him for work.


Thank you.
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I just hope your nanny is a God -fearing nanny :) and treat him well


I'll be sure that she is, if I do in deed decide to adopt. As I said in the op, I am still praying about it. I just wanted to get an idea about costs and maybe hear from some folks who have adopted children. I really didn't expect to have to take the "suitable adoptive father" test today :icon_mrgreen:
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Trust me, i've thought about it. I have a long term girlfriend and believe you me, she asks the same question. But I've decided that I'm a bachelor. It's just part of who I am. I need to be able to come and go as I want (both for professional and personal reasons) and I just don't want the type of commitment that comes with marriage. If I want to buy a new car, I don't want to have to even consider what someone else might want. If I want to move to Bali for a year, I want to be able to pack my bags and leave without ever consulting another soul. The only benefit of marriage that I can see (for me, I know that others have different ideas and I think that is perfectly fine) is having a few sons, but I've found myself in a situation where I can make that happen without the burden of a wife.


I now feel sorry for you, you say a wife would be a burden, no, a wife is not a burden, never has been, a joy shared with the wife is a joy doubled. Makes me think about what God said of Adam, also the reason the son leaves home.

Feeling that a wife would be a burden, I actually believe a child would be a larger burden.

By the way, a child needs their parent and or parents all the time, they do not need to be farmed out, and with a single parent family the child the parent has has to devote even more time to this child than each parents has to in a double parent family. Just ask someone who is doing this.
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Sometimes it is true, but my grandma's three deaf sisters had to be sent to a residental deaf school. They hardly ever see their parents because the communication barrier (parents didn't know sign languages) so they rarely seen. their parent did visit them time to time but I think sending them to a residential school was better than orphanage... they didn't know how to raise deaf children. But I have to tell you that they all turned out fine. One have a family of her own.. and raised them in a good christian homes. She also had a good marriage too. The other devoted her time in the church and the third died young so my mother was named after her.

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I now feel sorry for you, you say a wife would be a burden, no, a wife is not a burden, never has been, a joy shared with the wife is a joy doubled. Makes me think about what God said of Adam, also the reason the son leaves home.

Feeling that a wife would be a burden, I actually believe a child would be a larger burden.

By the way, a child needs their parent and or parents all the time, they do not need to be farmed out, and with a single parent family the child the parent has has to devote even more time to this child than each parents has to in a double parent family. Just ask someone who is doing this.


In hindsight I guess burden wasn't the best word. I should have said "responsibilities." I'm sure the majority of people are ok with the responsibilities of a marriage, it's just not something I'm interested in.

And I agree that a child needs their parent(s) all the time. However, i do not agree this means that a child needs their parent to be physically right beside them holding their hand all the way. I know the way I was raised seems strange to a lot of people here, but I assure you that I had a normal childhood. I was raised in a home with both parents until I was twelve, then I started spending around 185 days a year at school. I wasn't "farmed out." I had a very loving and supportive home life and I believe I can offer the same to a child.
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