Thinking about adopting

[dwayner79]

fair enough pt... if you are talking 12 years, then so be it. I simply do not like the idea of treating a child as less of a "burden" then marriage.

[Psalms18_28]

Sometimes when parents died, these kids have to stay with their uncles and aunts. These children don't have any family. That's why I'm all for it. He can always be their adopted uncle.

[Anon]

The fact he is wanting to "pick up and go" without consulting anyone is a sign he should not only get married (of course he does not want to, so that works) but also should not raise a child.

[Invicta]

I think you should never get married, you are too selfish.

Your post is all about what YOU want. You want a child. You don't want a wife. You want to be able to trot off when ever you want. You won't consider what the child wants.

We have 2 daughters of our own.

We did apply and were accepted to adopt an older child. The child we agreed to adopt was 11 at the time, and 12 when he came to us. We were told that his mother who was a drug addict and agreed to his adoption, but it soon transpired that she had changed her mind. Also because he was older he had to agree to be adopted. Each time he said he was ready, his mother talked him out of it. We never did adopt him but had him on long term fostering. He was with us until he was old enough to leave, and is now 35, married with 2 children and lives in Nevada US and still calls us Mum and Dad.

The second child we had was originally put up for adoption with his two half sisters as a family. We were thinking of applying to have the three of them, but then Social Services decided it was best that they were best separated and we had the boy, but again SS decided that it was better for him to be fostered. He was 14 when he came to us and had learing difficulties, being only able to read 3 letter words and some of them only with difficulty. He was with os until he was 21 or so until he got married, but that didn't last because his wife, who also had learing difficulties was tied to her grandma's apron strings and wanted them to keep going to stay with her, as soon as they arrived back at their house she wanted them to go back to grandma's who kept interferring in the marriage and in raising their child. He is now 30 and today (looking at the time, I see that it was yesterday) we went to see him get an award for training in his new jOB as a health trainer. We works for a trust which has only recently been set up and all the new staff had to do a presentation. His was the best and most audible. He still calls us mum and dad.

The next boy we had was 14 and had an angelic face, but had the most awful behaviour. He stole from us all the time but strangely never or rarely asked for his pocket money I was once called to his school, as a child had taken a gun to school and had accused him and a friend of stealing it, which they denied. I never heard any more about that but when some years later another child took a knife to school there was a big fuss about it and it was on the TV news for a number of days. You could never believe anything he said, and he would deny doing things that you saw him do and get quite upset if you insisted that he had done it. He was excluded from school when he came to us. We got him in the local school and kept him there by the skin of his teeth by my wife or myself going to the school regularly to sort out prOBlems with the various teachers. Strangely, one teacher said she had never had any trouble with him. We had him for two years until we could stand his behaviour no more. I said to SS that we had failed and they said we hadn't, he had 2 years in school which he would not have had if he hadn't been with us. As soon as he left our care he was excluded from school and never went back. The last we heard of him he had been jailed for 6 years.

When we applied to adopt we had to go to classes. One thing we were told was that the child would not thank you for adopting them, blaming you for keeping them from their familly. We were also told that children are likely to accuse you of things, sometime many years later.

We had a number of foster children after that, mostly shortish term some for e few days others for a few weeks.

One day while working on our manse, my wife phoned and asked me to come home straight away as we were having a 6 year old girl on an emergency placement. There was also an elder step brother and a younger brother. Their mother was in gaol for drug trafficking and they had been staying with aunt and uncle and had accused the uncle of mistreating them. The following day we had both boys also. The elder boy soon showed that he didn't appreciate having the younger ones with him and threw the younger boy down the stairs and said he wanted them to go to another home. "I want them out of my life" he said. I made it plain that he was welcome to stay if he behaved but that we would not reject the other two. He seemed shocked at that, but eventually he had to go to another home. There was another elder brother who visted them from time to time, and was in the custody of his father. The father said I must never let him go to his mother as he had custody. Then one day SS phoned and asked us to take this brother also as his father had taken him to SS office and left him there saying he didn't want him any more. This was a mistake. we had him for just over two weeks and the effect he had on the other two was dramatically negative. He want from us to what SS called a more experienced family who could handle him. He went to them on Thursday and on Sunday they phoned Social Services to take him away, except they dialed our number by mistake and left the message on our answering machine.

We had the younger two for about a year when they went to another home.

We always said we would take the children to church with us, but one day we were asked to take 2 children whose mother was a JW (disfellowhipped, I believe) We were told there was no question of taking them to church, so we decided that I would go to one service and my wife would go to the next. However when Sunday came, they said can we come with you? PrOBlem solved.

We also had a four year old girl and her 18 month old broter on day care, several times, about two to three weeks at a time, when their mother was in hospital. She had periods when she thought the furniture was talking to her.

Eventually, a year or so after they left us, the brother and sister accused us of having maltreated them. The girl said my wife pulled her out of bd by her hair. In fact the child got up when my wife did and usually did some drawing. She said that my wife punished her by sending her into the garden in her dressing gown in the snow. My wife would not have allowed her into the garden in her dressing gown at any time.

The boy accused me of twisting his ears to make him eat brocolli. I had never twisted anyone's ear and had to try it on mine to see what it was like.

SS had an investigation and eventually said they had interviewd the parents of all the children we had and no other complaints we made. The parents of the day care childrem thought we were wonderful. They said that couldn't find anything proved but that if we wished to continue we would have to have a new police check and new medicals. We were supposed to have the medical every year, but only had one at the beginning. We had nothing to fear from the police check but my wife had a brain haemorrhage some years before, which they were fully aware of and was unlikely to pass a medical and we were due to retire within a year so we said forget it.

ptwild, take my advice forget about adopting. You say your parents did a good jOB. I would dispute that. If they had you would not be so selfish.

To those who are thinking of adopting. Think of older children. It is hard work, it is not easy but it is rewarding.

[JerryNumbers]

If I was physically able, there's something I would love to do. Our church supports the orphanage I spent time in as a young boy.

As Christmas time, and in the summer time there be families who take one of these children into their homes for a few days. Some of them will also go get them when a long weekend comes up. I know this much be a boost to the moral of these children, to spend time in the home of a Christian family.

There be many ways in which one can help orphan children.

No put down intended towards ptwild, but his idea just does not strike me as being the proper way. But that does not mean I do not think there is not a way for him to help one, for I think there would be. One thing we all know, there is plenty of them that need help. I commend him for wanting to help one.

[ptwild]

I think you should never get married, you are too selfish.

Your post is all about what YOU want. You want a child. You don't want a wife. You want to be able to trot off when ever you want. You won't consider what the child wants.

We have 2 daughters of our own.

We did apply and were accepted to adopt an older child. The child we agreed to adopt was 11 at the time, and 12 when he came to us. We were told that his mother who was a drug addict and agreed to his adoption, but it soon transpired that she had changed her mind. Also because he was older he had to agree to be adopted. Each time he said he was ready, his mother talked him out of it. We never did adopt him but had him on long term fostering. He was with us until he was old enough to leave, and is now 35, married with 2 children and lives in Nevada US and still calls us Mum and Dad.

The second child we had was originally put up for adoption with his two half sisters as a family. We were thinking of applying to have the three of them, but then Social Services decided it was best that they were best separated and we had the boy, but again SS decided that it was better for him to be fostered. He was 14 when he came to us and had learing difficulties, being only able to read 3 letter words and some of them only with difficulty. He was with os until he was 21 or so until he got married, but that didn't last because his wife, who also had learing difficulties was tied to her grandma's apron strings and wanted them to keep going to stay with her, as soon as they arrived back at their house she wanted them to go back to grandma's who kept interferring in the marriage and in raising their child. He is now 30 and today (looking at the time, I see that it was yesterday) we went to see him get an award for training in his new jOB as a health trainer. We works for a trust which has only recently been set up and all the new staff had to do a presentation. His was the best and most audible. He still calls us mum and dad.

The next boy we had was 14 and had an angelic face, but had the most awful behaviour. He stole from us all the time but strangely never or rarely asked for his pocket money I was once called to his school, as a child had taken a gun to school and had accused him and a friend of stealing it, which they denied. I never heard any more about that but when some years later another child took a knife to school there was a big fuss about it and it was on the TV news for a number of days. You could never believe anything he said, and he would deny doing things that you saw him do and get quite upset if you insisted that he had done it. He was excluded from school when he came to us. We got him in the local school and kept him there by the skin of his teeth by my wife or myself going to the school regularly to sort out prOBlems with the various teachers. Strangely, one teacher said she had never had any trouble with him. We had him for two years until we could stand his behaviour no more. I said to SS that we had failed and they said we hadn't, he had 2 years in school which he would not have had if he hadn't been with us. As soon as he left our care he was excluded from school and never went back. The last we heard of him he had been jailed for 6 years.

When we applied to adopt we had to go to classes. One thing we were told was that the child would not thank you for adopting them, blaming you for keeping them from their familly. We were also told that children are likely to accuse you of things, sometime many years later.

We had a number of foster children after that, mostly shortish term some for e few days others for a few weeks.

One day while working on our manse, my wife phoned and asked me to come home straight away as we were having a 6 year old girl on an emergency placement. There was also an elder step brother and a younger brother. Their mother was in gaol for drug trafficking and they had been staying with aunt and uncle and had accused the uncle of mistreating them. The following day we had both boys also. The elder boy soon showed that he didn't appreciate having the younger ones with him and threw the younger boy down the stairs and said he wanted them to go to another home. "I want them out of my life" he said. I made it plain that he was welcome to stay if he behaved but that we would not reject the other two. He seemed shocked at that, but eventually he had to go to another home. There was another elder brother who visted them from time to time, and was in the custody of his father. The father said I must never let him go to his mother as he had custody. Then one day SS phoned and asked us to take this brother also as his father had taken him to SS office and left him there saying he didn't want him any more. This was a mistake. we had him for just over two weeks and the effect he had on the other two was dramatically negative. He want from us to what SS called a more experienced family who could handle him. He went to them on Thursday and on Sunday they phoned Social Services to take him away, except they dialed our number by mistake and left the message on our answering machine.

We had the younger two for about a year when they went to another home.

We always said we would take the children to church with us, but one day we were asked to take 2 children whose mother was a JW (disfellowhipped, I believe) We were told there was no question of taking them to church, so we decided that I would go to one service and my wife would go to the next. However when Sunday came, they said can we come with you? PrOBlem solved.

We also had a four year old girl and her 18 month old broter on day care, several times, about two to three weeks at a time, when their mother was in hospital. She had periods when she thought the furniture was talking to her.

Eventually, a year or so after they left us, the brother and sister accused us of having maltreated them. The girl said my wife pulled her out of bd by her hair. In fact the child got up when my wife did and usually did some drawing. She said that my wife punished her by sending her into the garden in her dressing gown in the snow. My wife would not have allowed her into the garden in her dressing gown at any time.

The boy accused me of twisting his ears to make him eat brocolli. I had never twisted anyone's ear and had to try it on mine to see what it was like.

SS had an investigation and eventually said they had interviewd the parents of all the children we had and no other complaints we made. The parents of the day care childrem thought we were wonderful. They said that couldn't find anything proved but that if we wished to continue we would have to have a new police check and new medicals. We were supposed to have the medical every year, but only had one at the beginning. We had nothing to fear from the police check but my wife had a brain haemorrhage some years before, which they were fully aware of and was unlikely to pass a medical and we were due to retire within a year so we said forget it.

ptwild, take my advice forget about adopting. You say your parents did a good jOB. I would dispute that. If they had you would not be so selfish.

To those who are thinking of adopting. Think of older children. It is hard work, it is not easy but it is rewarding.

I take offense at this response sir. The only reason you think that I am selfish is that I enjoy the freedom I have to go where I want, when I chose to go. That is not being selfish, that is enjoying the freedoms that I have. I didn't say anything about up rooting a child, only that his wants would not dictate my every move. And to say that my parents didn't do a good jOB raising me because of that? Wow.

[Anon]

PT if you have all that money and you want to help a child, why not pay for a child to live in a two parent traditional family with the time and love to give? Many childless couples cannot afford adoption. That way you can help the child but still have your freedom.

Seems to me that would be the best thing.

[ptwild]

PT if you have all that money and you want to help a child, why not pay for a child to live in a two parent traditional family with the time and love to give? Many childless couples cannot afford adoption. That way you can help the child but still have your freedom.

Seems to me that would be the best thing.

Although I am sure that would be a blessing as well, it's not what I had in mind. I want to be a father. I want to raise a child. I have plenty of time and love to offer and I think I would be good at it. And I don't have "all that money." I simply have enough. I also agree that in a perfect world every child should be raised in two parent traditional family. But we don't live in a perfect world. The children in that orphanage are living in a no parent family and, at least for one of them, I would like to change that.

And not that I don't appreciate everyone's concern, but the purpose of this thread was to get some feed back from other parents who had adopted or were familiar with the process, and to get an idea of the financial side of things. To be blunt, I really don't care if people disagree with boarding schools or my decision not to marry. Those are personal choices that can be right for some people, and not right for others. I appear to be the only person here to have experienced the boarding school method of education, so I think I'll just defer to my own experience, rather than that of persons with no intimate knowledge of it.

[HappyChristian]

I didn't personally experience boarding school, pt. But when I was in college, one of the colleges I attended had a boarding school for kids. They took in all ages - those under 6th grade were placed in a home in the church, while those 6th and over were put in the dorms.

Truthfully, I'd have to say that the boys did better at adapting than the girls did.

I don't see a prOBlem, scripturally, with boarding school. The responsibility for rearing children falls on the parents, but, honestly - if the parents believe God would have them place their children in a boarding school, how can we say it's wrong? After all - people homeschool, and there are those that believe that is wrong because of their own personal ideas. I, personally, would not want to send my child to boarding school. I loved having my son around - I didn't even want to stop homeschooling him when we did! But, as Christians, and as IFB, how can we say one form is wrong if the father believes he's following God? We can't and remain true to our independence...

That said, though - pt, do remain in prayer about this. Children are a greater responsibility than folks who've never had children realize. It's hard to rear children, even in a two parent home. Make sure that adoption is truly what God would have you do, and not just your own desire for posterity. And (this from someone old enough to be your mommy ) do reconsider the possibility of getting married. I know you feel you are a confirmed bachelor, and there are many like that (my own brother is). Maybe pray about that some, too? God may want to give you a son of your seed, as well as have you adopt a needy child...

[ptwild]

I didn't personally experience boarding school, pt. But when I was in college, one of the colleges I attended had a boarding school for kids. They took in all ages - those under 6th grade were placed in a home in the church, while those 6th and over were put in the dorms.

Truthfully, I'd have to say that the boys did better at adapting than the girls did.

I don't see a prOBlem, scripturally, with boarding school. The responsibility for rearing children falls on the parents, but, honestly - if the parents believe God would have them place their children in a boarding school, how can we say it's wrong? After all - people homeschool, and there are those that believe that is wrong because of their own personal ideas. I, personally, would not want to send my child to boarding school. I loved having my son around - I didn't even want to stop homeschooling him when we did! But, as Christians, and as IFB, how can we say one form is wrong if the father believes he's following God? We can't and remain true to our independence...

That said, though - pt, do remain in prayer about this. Children are a greater responsibility than folks who've never had children realize. It's hard to rear children, even in a two parent home. Make sure that adoption is truly what God would have you do, and not just your own desire for posterity. And (this from someone old enough to be your mommy ) do reconsider the possibility of getting married. I know you feel you are a confirmed bachelor, and there are many like that (my own brother is). Maybe pray about that some, too? God may want to give you a son of your seed, as well as have you adopt a needy child...

Thanks for the constructive advice and the open mind Happy. And believe me, I've prayed long and hard about marriage. I have a good Christian girlfriend that I've been dating for years and we have had long, difficult, discussions about marriage. I was very close to proposing once but, through prayer, I felt that God has a different idea for me. The whole wife/kids/minivan thing just doesn't appeal to me.

[Anon]

"The whole wife/kids/minivan thing just doesn't appeal to me."


Then don't adopt. :-) God has alot to say about the family. OBviously its not a perfect world and families get torn apart, but I don't think God would agree with purposely setting out to START a lopsided family.

[ptwild]

"The whole wife/kids/minivan thing just doesn't appeal to me."


Then don't adopt. :-) God has alot to say about the family. OBviously its not a perfect world and families get torn apart, but I don't think God would agree with purposely setting out to START a lopsided family.

And I don't think God would agree with letting a poor child sit alone everyday on a dusty ground floor with no family at all when there is a perfectly able and willing Christian available, and desiring, to care for him.

And you can call a one parent household a lopsided family (you may even be right), but at least its a family.

[Anon]

A nanny isn't a family.

[ptwild]

A nanny isn't a family.

But a father is.

You do understand that a nanny is nothing other than a live in baby sitter (although I don't think I could afford a live in nanny at this point) don't you? Rather than going to a day care or other facility while the parents are away from the home (for whatever reason), the child is able to stay in his or her house. And a nanny is part of some families, just like an aunt or cousin that lives with you and helps out.

[Psalms18_28]

honestly, I am not sure the adoption center will even allow a single parent adoption. Especially in certain country if they have a guideline who can and can't adopt.They almost didn't want Madonna adopting because they didn't like the Western pop music and such.