How do I teach my 16 month old to stop crying when told?

[Mrs Smith]

I don't know if my son is too young to be told not to cry. . . But he will cry/whine (no tears involved) throughout the day. He does this anytime he is frustrated, impatient, or wants something he can't have, or when something is happening that he just doesn't like.

Now, I do spank him anytime he does a real temper tantrum (screaming and crying hard). But I'm not quite sure how to handle this more subtle act of displeasure. I usually tell him "No fussing" or "Stop crying" or "Just a minute" but I have no idea if he understands what all of that means. Also, his whining cry is not uncontrollable. He'll stop if I pick him up, or if I give him something to pacify him. But I want to get to the heart of the issue, and not just pacify the prOBlem.

I guess my ultimate question is, is he too young to be taught not to whine or fuss about things, or to stop when I tell him to stop? If he is not too young, how would you recommend I handle this?

Thank you!

[Annie]

I don't know if my son is too young to be told not to cry. . . But he will cry/whine (no tears involved) throughout the day. He does this anytime he is frustrated, impatient, or wants something he can't have, or when something is happening that he just doesn't like.

Now, I do spank him anytime he does a real temper tantrum (screaming and crying hard). But I'm not quite sure how to handle this more subtle act of displeasure. I usually tell him "No fussing" or "Stop crying" or "Just a minute" but I have no idea if he understands what all of that means. Also, his whining cry is not uncontrollable. He'll stop if I pick him up, or if I give him something to pacify him. But I want to get to the heart of the issue, and not just pacify the prOBlem.

I guess my ultimate question is, is he too young to be taught not to whine or fuss about things, or to stop when I tell him to stop? If he is not too young, how would you recommend I handle this?

Thank you!

I don't think your son is too young to be "told not to cry"...It is up to a child's parent(s) to teach him the difference between something that warrants crying and something that doesn't. That said, I don't think you should treat every instance of crying as 'disOBedience.' As you've said, you do discipline him for fits of temper/defiance, which is great. Your 16-month-old son is not mature enough to exhibit 'adult' control of his own emotions. Neither is my eleven-year-old daughter, who cries over things that are 'silly' to me. (I'm not saying it's silly for her to cry over them...just that to her, they're a big deal, and I, from my perspective, know that those things are really not big deals in the whole scheme of things. I'm talking about things like crying over the fact that she messed up in a violin performance, or crying because she's disappointed that she's too sick to go to a friend's party.) Now, if my eleven year old were crying about someone grabbing a toy away from her, then I would have reason to be concerned, because she should be beyond that kind of response in that scenario. Not so with my three-year-old son...It's normal for him to cry over things like that. Now, do I just let it go? No...I talk him through it, and guide him, little by little, into a more mature understanding of what's important, and what's not as important.

Does that answer your question?

[Annie]

Meant to add...If you're talking whining (which is a specific kind of fussing), I never reward it, and it goes away. IOW, the whining child never gets what he wants unless he asks properly. Does your son have a word for please? Even pre-verbal kiddos can be taught to ask sweetly (to smile or clap hands or use sign language for 'please'). I wouldn't use spanking to get the child to be cheerful. (Spanking would be counterproductive...It's pretty hard to be cheerful just after getting swatted!) I have found that when I'm cheerful and positive with the kids, they usually follow my example. When I'm negative (whiny?), that attitude trickles through the ranks as well.

[Mrs Smith]

Meant to add...If you're talking whining (which is a specific kind of fussing), I never reward it, and it goes away. IOW, the whining child never gets what he wants unless he asks properly. Does your son have a word for please? Even pre-verbal kiddos can be taught to ask sweetly (to smile or clap hands or use sign language for 'please'). I wouldn't use spanking to get the child to be cheerful. (Spanking would be counterproductive...It's pretty hard to be cheerful just after getting swatted!) I have found that when I'm cheerful and positive with the kids, they usually follow my example. When I'm negative (whiny?), that attitude trickles through the ranks as well.

Annie, I feel like you are saying a lot of truths. I try to remember that though my son is understanding more and more the older he gets, he is still a 1 year old baby. I will work harder at teaching my son positive ways to communicate. But what about when he is whining for something because he can't have this or that? I talk calmy to him, that No, he cannot have that, yet his whining continues. What then?

Years back, a woman came to visit my mom and I and had her baby daughter with her. The baby was prOBably just under 1 year old. She was still in her carseat strapped in when she began fussing. The mom look at her and kindly yet firmly said, "Grace, stop." The baby immediately and happily stopped! The baby was hungry, but her mommy was busy doing something so she could not tend to her daughter's needs just then. Boy, if only I had asked her how she did that! But when you're a non-parent, you're usually not vastly interested in figuring out parenting methods. : )

[JerryNumbers]

Off this thought just a bit. Years back we had friend who would visit us and we would visit them. But their visits with us were always cut short. Within 30 minutes after getting to our house their oldest son, about 7, would come to father and mother whining, "Lets go."

They would not make him stop it, in a few minutes they would be leaving because of his whining. I don't believe he ever learned not to go whining to mother and father, simply because father and mother never taught him not to. He was a spoiled brat who was no fun to be around.

I might add, they would not put up with his younger brother whining.

We soon quite visiting them, we just could not take it and besides, our daughter could not stand the whining brother, she said he was hateful and had to have his way all the time, if he didn't, he would go whining to father or mother, which we knew to be true.

[Mrs Smith]

Off this thought just a bit. Years back we had friend who would visit us and we would visit them. But their visits with us were always cut short. Within 30 minutes after getting to our house their oldest son, about 7, would come to father and mother whining, "Lets go."

They would not make him stop it, in a few minutes they would be leaving because of his whining. I don't believe he ever learned not to go whining to mother and father, simply because father and mother never taught him not to. He was a spoiled brat who was no fun to be around.

I might add, they would not put up with his younger brother whining.

We soon quite visiting them, we just could not take it and besides, our daughter could not stand the whining brother, she said he was hateful and had to have his way all the time, if he didn't, he would go whining to father or mother, which we knew to be true.

Oh no, what a nightmare! definitely something I would want to avoid.

Well, I never give in to my son's whining. I don't give him what he wants just because he's whining for it. Like I said, he gets a sawt for throwing a temper tantrum, but his more subtly ways (soft fake cry whine) I'm not sure what to do. I usually try talking to him, yet I ultimately ignore it after that. He's usually fine after he finds something interesting to play with, or if I pick him up, or if his supper is finally ready.

[bzmomo7]

Annie, I feel like you are saying a lot of truths. I try to remember that though my son is understanding more and more the older he gets, he is still a 1 year old baby. I will work harder at teaching my son positive ways to communicate. But what about when he is whining for something because he can't have this or that? I talk calmy to him, that No, he cannot have that, yet his whining continues. What then?

Years back, a woman came to visit my mom and I and had her baby daughter with her. The baby was prOBably just under 1 year old. She was still in her carseat strapped in when she began fussing. The mom look at her and kindly yet firmly said, "Grace, stop." The baby immediately and happily stopped! The baby was hungry, but her mommy was busy doing something so she could not tend to her daughter's needs just then. Boy, if only I had asked her how she did that! But when you're a non-parent, you're usually not vastly interested in figuring out parenting methods. : )

Just a couple of thoughts:
(1) all children have different personalities; some are born more content than others, some are more verbal than others, some have a greater motor skill capacity, and they all come with some assortment of weakness and negative tendencies that vary from child to child. They are just all so different and you could find a method of teaching that really gets your son "whipped into shape" that maybe will totally backfire on your next child. Be careful about comparing your son to other children too much, you might find it more discouraging than helpful. Believe me, all parents, with even the best behaved children have areas they struggle with with each child.

(2) Your friend's little one was a girl. Little girls for some reason catch on faster than boys in many areas much earlier.

(3)As Annie suggested, I would try some positive reinforcement in order to encourage him to not be whiny. If you feel your son is catching on to the whining thing and he's manipulating you, I would prOBably apply some good old fashioned discipline to his bottom. Some kids, I would say not the majority at this age, are real quick and know exactly what they are doing. If this is the case, he will catch on quickly that he'd better quit fussing, too. He will need to understand that his attitude is the prOBlem, otherwise you are not getting to the real prOBlem, only treating a symptom, and it will resurface again in another way later.

[Mrs Smith]

[bzmomo7]

Just a couple of thoughts:
(1) all children have different personalities; some are born more content than others, some are more verbal than others, some have a greater motor skill capacity, and they all come with some assortment of weakness and negative tendencies that vary from child to child. They are just all so different and you could find a method of teaching that really gets your son "whipped into shape" that maybe will totally backfire on your next child. Be careful about comparing your son to other children too much, you might find it more discouraging than helpful. Believe me, all parents, with even the best behaved children have areas they struggle with with each child.

(2) Your friend's little one was a girl. Little girls for some reason catch on faster than boys in many areas much earlier.

(3)As Annie suggested, I would try some positive reinforcement in order to encourage him to not be whiny. If you feel your son is catching on to the whining thing and he's manipulating you, I would prOBably apply some good old fashioned discipline to his bottom. Some kids, I would say not the majority at this age, are real quick and know exactly what they are doing. If this is the case, he will catch on quickly that he'd better quit fussing, too. He will need to understand that his attitude is the prOBlem, otherwise you are not getting to the real prOBlem, only treating a symptom, and it will resurface again in another way later.

[Mrs Smith]

I guess for me it would depend upon a few factors. Did he come to you and ask for something specific? ie. "Mommy, come"--while tugging on your sleeve? Did he come and just whine and tug on you? Could you tell what exactly it was that he wanted by his words and actions? There is a serious language barrier in most babies and young toddlers. However, in some, like my 19mo. old daughter there really isn't much of one. She is very articulate and not only expresses herself well, she also demonstrates by her words and actions that she understands what I say to her as well. I hold her to a higher standard because of it, too. Let me give you an example. I'm loading the dishwasher, she comes out in the kitchen and say she pulls on my clothes to get my attention and says, "Mommy up!" or "I wan snack" I give her a grin and tell her what I am doing and that I'll pick her up or take care of her in a minute. In the meantime, I hand her a cup and tell her to put it in the dishwasher for me or give her some instructions to go get something or ask her where one of her favorite toys is. I might hand her a clean cup and tell her that "dolly" is thirsty....my point is that I will try to distract her. If this does not work and she stands there and starts fussing, I will tell her to stop, if she does not, she will likely get a swat. If I were extremely busy that day (say we are cleaning for company) and she has really been told to wait much, I would make allowance for that. I must be reasonable, she is just a baby and her ability to be patient is small. Several of my other children did not talk reasonably well until much older. It was harder to figure out what they wanted and how much they understood. That can be so frustrating. I did not require as much from them as early. Don't let what happened with your son the other day frustrate you too badly. It will be ok, and remember that there are times that even when our kids are fussing badly that we are going to respond right away and not stop and say "Stop fussing!" An example is my little one is potty training, you better believe if she comes running and fussing, "Mommy.......potty!" that I'm going to drop everything for her so that she can succeed in getting to the bathroom on time.

This response was very helpful and encouraging. Thank you for taking the time to write it all out for me.

[bzmomo7]

This response was very helpful and encouraging. Thank you for taking the time to write it all out for me.

You are most welcome.

[Anon]

Its very frustrating for kids who cannot talk well yet....Imagine wanting something and you can't verbalize what! I think once they can talk and get across their point, is a good time to really clamp down on the fussing. OBviously a full blown temper tantrum is not allowed but for instance my 2 year old (my boys tend to be delayed in speech and then quickly catch up all at once) will come and fuss at me for something. I have taught him to say "please" and he will come say "please" but he cannot tell me what very well, so he will patiently say "please" a few times and then if I do not know what he wants he gets frustrated and upset. I don't think thats a good reason to punish.

I will say lately if I tell him "no you may not have this" he will whine and fuss in response to the "no" and then I will sternly tell him he is NOT to fuss. But then he is a little older than yours.

We spanked our oldest for everything when he was a toddler after reading "To Train Up a Child" and to be honest I really regret it. I should have really worked harder to understand him better and communicate better rather than resort to spanking so much. He has a big heart but now as our oldest we still have prOBably more prOBlems with him than any of our others...it could be just a firstborn thing, but it could also be that we were much too hard on him as a little one. I have given my other children more slack after learning that I did not do it right with my firstborn. I wish I had been more gentle on him as well.

[lettheredeemedsayso]

Toddlers cry because they don't know how to express their feelings in any other way. If you know that he is dry and fed and that nothing is wrong I would let him cry. Children need to be allowed to express themselves. At the same time, I would not encourage them by giving them attention during these periods of acting out. If you remain strong after a period of time the crying will decrease and eventually stop.

[kollkolen]

I think the best way to stop a child crying when told is to explain the matter politely and in silent way. Without getting angry on child one can told him/her to do better or to follow the predefined rules.