Humor
Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times! "
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Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? .............................................................. THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN Democrat's Answer: Well, …
Last reply by kevinmiller, -
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Got into a discussion with my friend about sports. Somehow it became a discussion/argument over what sport God likes. I settled it when I said "you can't get past the very first verse in the bible without that being revealed". It says, "In the Big Inning God created...
Last reply by 2bLikeJesus, -
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Two men were coming out of church one Sunday morning, and the Pastor was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed one of the men by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" questioned the Pastor. He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." :lol :lol:
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."
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Ashes to Ashes A 6-YEAR-OLD boy asked his mother if it's true that God made man from dust. "Yes, son, it's true that we're made from dust, and to dust we shall return," replied his mom. "Well," said the boy, "I just looked under my bed, and there's someone either coming or going."
Last reply by John81, -
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Not theologically correct but very funny.
Last reply by loyaldefender, -
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An atheist was walking walking along a mountain trail, admiring the beauty that nature had evolved over billions and billions of years, the wind blowing in the trees, the brook at the side of the trail made such a calming sound,,,,,,SUDDENLY he hears a sound, something snorting and huffing and coming down the trail behind him, he looks,,, its a ,,, a bear,,,, a grizzly,,,,,he runs faster,, the bear is closing in. He fell as the bears paw slammed him to the ground, "DEAR GOD HELP" he yelled. Total silence came over all around him, the wind stopped, the brook stopped, the bear frozen in time, a powerful voice, with the sound of many waters spoke. "For years you tell you…
Last reply by BamaAngel, -
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A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because, I'm not an atheist." Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a Christian." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian. "Well, I was brought up knowing …
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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I believe they were watching my wife when they wrote this one! A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps foryour gender." MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required…
Last reply by Mike, -
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1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25 2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12 3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24 4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each. 5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sol…
Last reply by bzmomo7, -
Awful Time
by Charbo- 1 reply
- 712 views
"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends. "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
Last reply by Angelmiss49, -
Another article found in Jeff V.'s blog: [size=18]B.O.O.K.[/size] Introducing the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge software: B.O.O.K. BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric currents, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. So easy to use, even a child can operate it! Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere -- even on a beach, yards from a power point. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc! Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages …
Last reply by Jerry, -
I rear-ended a car this morning. When the other driver got out of his car, I knew right then it was going to be a really bad day! He was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?" ....... and that's how the fight started.
Last reply by John81, -
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- 525 views
Kyle walked up to his teacher
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
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Got this in an email today: As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the area I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in pla…
Last reply by amblivion, -
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Last reply by OLD fashioned preacher, -
Baked Beans 1 2
by Ron- 20 replies
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Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans. Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the…
Last reply by Ron, -
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An oldie, but a goodie..... ----------------------------------------------- A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog. They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?" Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description." So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bibl…
Last reply by OnAJourney, -
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BAPTIST SQUIRRELS There were four country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the MethodistChurch and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the METHODIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery Bowl. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery bowl and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped someho…
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger, -
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Last reply by The Ohio Patriot, -
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Last reply by BrotherTony, -
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[url=http://upload4.postimage.org/96657/photo_hosting.html][img]http://upload4.postimage.org/96657/upset.jpg[/img][/url]
Last reply by Anon, -
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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return wit…
Last reply by Pastor Matt, -
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Last reply by SureWord, -
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What do you call the belt around a Baptist preacher. The fence around a chicken grave yard.
Last reply by Bro Jim,