Humor
Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times! "
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The Disease outside is frightful, But the fire is so delightful, There's really no place to go, Think of snow, Think of snow, Think of snow.
Last reply by Salyan, -
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Last reply by Covenanter, -
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Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me." Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too." So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?" Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody."
Last reply by 1John2:15-17, -
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THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT: I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn around before it's too late!" "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead??
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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Farmers Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car. One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash. Fred grinned at Luke. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Last reply by Ukulelemike, -
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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Common Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always easy or fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable Parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in pl…
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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A boy went to his mother and asked, “Mom, where did man come from?” “Well, son, in the beginning God created earth, them He created first man and called him Adman. He took a rib from Adam and created the first woman and called her Eve. That is how man was created.” The little boy looked puzzled them commented, “Dad said man came from apes.” “That’s your fathers side of the family,” his mom replied.
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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[b]THE FAMILY TREE (A QUESTIONABLE BRANCH)[/b] The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose; how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his…
Last reply by chev1958, -
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After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.: 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Last reply by tired, -
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One of the novice drill instructor's duties at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
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Last reply by 2bLikeJesus, -
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1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.
Last reply by John81, -
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Jim was quite a singer, he grew up singing all the country western songs, he was know county wide for the great voice he had. But Jim got invited to church, behold, Jim got saved, from that time on he would not sing nothing but gospel hymns. He was in demand and many of the local Baptist churches would invite Jim to come and sing for them, especially when they had revival services. He would only use his guitar for music, but when Jim started singing, everyone listened, for he had such a great gift for singing old hymns. Many times he was called to sing at funeral services by the local funeral director. Late one Friday evening he got a call from the local funeral dir…
Last reply by Anon, -
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Having worked on a veal farm, a cattle farm, and loving to do these things, I have become well acquainted with cattle....and their flatulence! My trademark sound while I was at MBBC in Watertown, WI was, "MOOOOOOOOOO!" I'm a "Cowboy!" ?
Last reply by SureWord, -
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Last reply by Pastor Matt, -
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The Haircut One Monday, a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later on Tuesday, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up there was a 'thank yo…
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.. And when the weather was c…
Last reply by farouk, -
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A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. …
Last reply by Tim, -
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when an intruder startled her. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a s…
Last reply by Bear, -
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are …
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger, -
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camped in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?' The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What do…
Last reply by Soj, -
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Last reply by Pastor Matt, -
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THE MOMMY TEST A mother and her 4-year-old daughter were walking in the park one day when the little girl picked something up off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The diligent mother took the item away from her and told her not to do that. "Why?" the daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," the mother replied. At this point, the little girl looked at her mother with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" Thinking quickly, the mother replied, "Uh, all moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you b…
Last reply by OnAJourney,