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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times! 
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Wow! I knew most things could be done on the net, but...WOW! This was hilarious to me...especially since I've got a niece who is like this!
Last reply by BrotherTony, -
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[b]A Mother's Letter to Her Son[/b] My Dear Son: Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home; we've moved. It was a lot of trouble moving. The most difficult was the bed...you see the man wouldn't let us take it in one piece. It wouldn't have been too bad if your father hadn't been sleeping in it at the time. About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she's been going out with. He gave her a beautiful new ring, with three stones miss…
Last reply by GODsJOY, -
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbi were in the habit of meeting weekly for some religious banter with one another. On a given day the three friends met and discussed what the week had brought their way. The pastor stated he had finished an interesting book suggesting that animals had the capacity to be turned to God. After a lengthy discussion the three decided that the following week each would do their best to convert an animal to God and agreed to meet the following week to discuss their conclusions. Soon the next week was upon them and found them meeting at their normal place. The pastor and the priest sat waiting patiently for the rabbi to join them and after wa…
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http://www.jumbojoke.com/perfect_solution_to_senior_health_care.html Now, let's remember that this is a joke. In Christ Jesus ~ Molly
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Last reply by BrotherTony, -
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A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear. Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks."
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Last reply by BrotherTony, -
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A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister. The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. "If you break a window," he said, "and then place a piece of plywood over the hole -- that's a substitute." After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: "You were no substitute. You were a real pane."
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Last reply by ThePilgrim, -
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A Sure Bet
by Charbo- 2 replies
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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A termite walks into a bar and sits, looks around and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? …
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Last reply by BrotherTony, -
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," he said, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," the man replied. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" the …
Last reply by IM4given, -
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Couldn't decide what topic to post this under. But seems like it would work! A WIN, WIN, WIN, situation!!!: 1. Hire ILLEGAL immigrants to dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, 2. Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans. 3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat. 4. Send the ILLEGAL Immigrants back to their country or teach them English and make them permanent American citizens. Any other problems you would like me to solve for you today?
Last reply by guatemalamom, -
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[b]How to Install a Wireless (Poor-man's) Security System[/b] Go to a secondhand store. Buy a pair of men's used work boots -- a really BIG pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and Ammo" magazine. Put a dog dish beside it -- a really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like: "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 hr. Don't disturb the pitbulls; they've just been de-wormed."
Last reply by hannah, -
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I already have it.......................... AAADD KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ! Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the t…
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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Grif.Net Robert E Griffin · 22h · 12/27/21 Grif.Net - AAADD Many are not old enough to understand this very real health challenge. Yet “Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder” (AAADD) often sneaks up on us “seniors” and can lead to situations like this: I finished my morning coffee and decided to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I’m going to work on the car. BUT FIRST I’m going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on the desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I’ll just put the bills on my desk. BUT FIRST I’ll take the trash out. Since I’m going to be nea…
Last reply by BrotherTony, -
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You have to be old enough to rememberAbbott and Costello and too old to REALLYunderstand computers to fully appreciatethis. For those of us who sometimes getflustered by our computers, please readon... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alivetoday, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. …
Last reply by bmbensch, -
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You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... for those who don't, you are too young anyway. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this: [b]COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT[/b] ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your …
Last reply by God_is_good, -
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Acts 2:38 A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the Act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and Explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why Did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to You.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
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Last reply by ThePilgrim, -
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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have: 1 neutron. 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice-neutrons 111 assistant vice-neutrons This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a m…
Last reply by Covenanter, -
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A young woman was compelled to give up the twins she was carrying for adoption. Years later she felt the strong urge to see what had happened to them. After much red tape and research she discovered they had been separated at birth. One had been adopted by a Mexican couple and had named him Juan. The other had been adopted by a middle eastern family and named him Amal. She scraped together enough money to go to Mexico to finally meet her son. After meeting him her family asked her if she would travel to the middle east now. She replied " Why should I? They're twins! When you've seen Juan you've seen Amal."
Last reply by 2ndTimothy,
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Dinosaurs on the ark never made sense to me. Why save the dinosaurs if they were just gonna die right away due to climate change. Either they were an abomination created in Genesis 6 or perhaps prior between Genesis 1:1-2 and were wiped out during Lucifer's rebellion. Incidentally, Satan is compared to a dragon aka dinosaur. -
The Bible teaches by man came death. At the end of creation week, there was no evil in the universe. God declared all He had made very good. All the angels rejoiced on day three - when the foundations of the earth were laid - Job 38:7 - which meant none had fallen yet. You can also see the same order of events of creation week (as shown in Job 38) presented the same way in Psalm 104. Satan walked in Eden before he fell - Ezekiel 28:13 - and Eden was not created until day 6. Nowhere does the Bible state Adam and Eve fully understood how death would affect things, only that it was promised as a judgement if they sinned. Satan fell sometime after creation week, then he later tempted Eve and Adam; and their sin resulted in death, the curse, etc. being brought on creation, including all biological life. Romans 5 is very clear on that.
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What did the grape do when someone sat on it? It gave out a little whine. What do you call people who really like tractors? Protractors. A rancher had 97 cows in his field. When he rounded them up, he had a hundred! Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? They were watch dogs. -
By heartstrings · Posted
replenish (v.) mid-14c., replenishen, "provide" with food or drink, also riches, beauty, etc., from Old French repleniss-, extended present-participle stem of replenir "to fill up," from re-, here perhaps an intensive prefix based on the notion of "fill repeatedly," thus "fill completely" (see re-), + -plenir, from Latin plenus "full" (from PIE root *pele- (1) "to fill"). Specifically as "to fill up again, restore to a former amount or condition" by 1610s. Related: Replenished; replenishing; replenishment. And here's the link to the prefix "re" https://www.etymonline.com/word/re- I'm not convinced either way. Evil did exist before man sinned, otherwise God would not have "known good and evil" and the serpent would not have been an evil entity to have tempted Eve. And "death" was a known concept, otherwise the serpent and Eve would not have discussed it. The Bible says that death passed upon Adam and Eve.. I don't recall reading where it says that animals had not yet died. I'm just curious as to what happened to all them "dinosaurs". Except for crocodilians, they were completely annihilated long ago and I don't believe any of them were on the ark. -
This man started his own cult. Unless you love being deceived, I recommend staying a million miles away from this dangerous heretic.
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