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A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results: 1. God is like Bayer Asprin, He works miracles. 2. God is like a Ford, He's got better ideas. 3. God is like Coke, He's the real Thing. (I just thought this was cute. It was in my church bulletin this morning.)
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger, -
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She added that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed an…
Last reply by Chelle, -
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhm7-LEBznk
Last reply by John81, -
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As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers…
Last reply by John81, -
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If someone's already posted this, I apologize for the repetition. The thread on starting a new church made me remember this... A Baptist man was lost at seas and found himself on a deserted island. Four months later a rescue ship arrived and found him. As he boarded the rescue ship the captain looked a shore and saw three crude huts. "Where are the other two people?" the captain asked. "It's just me," the man replied. "Then why three huts?" "Oh, the one on the left is where I live. The one next to it is where I go to church. The one next to it is where I used to go to church."
Last reply by John81, -
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In the book Let's Laugh A Little by Leroy Brownlow on page 90, Brownlow says the following: "A boy who was all banged up went into a boy scout meeting. The scoutmaster looked at him and inquired, "What happened to you?" He replied , "I was helping an old lady across the street." "But why did you get hurt?" "She didn't want to go," answered the boy. It is hard to help people who don't want to be helped."
Last reply by Brytanleroy, -
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During scuba diving training class, a student asked what should be done if a shark was seen coming at the group. "Should we try to stab it with our diving knife?" the student asked. The instructor said, "Don?t do that! You?ll only make him mad." Then with a smile he went on, "If you see a shark coming after you, take out your knife, and cut your buddy and swim like crazy."
Last reply by John81, -
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A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet. "What are you doing?" he asked her. She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."
Last reply by Chelle, -
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Never squat with yer spurs on. There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. Never drop your gun to…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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Last reply by The Ohio Patriot, -
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Last reply by BrotherTony, -
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[b]A Dog Named Mace[/b] A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so decided to call it a day. That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up the the heavens and proclaimed...... "A g…
Last reply by Chelle, -
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Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There's not a Single person in it. Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents. Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide? Because it's too cold "out tide!" What do you call a boom-a-rang, that dosen't come back? Answer: A stick!
Last reply by futurehope, -
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A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to …
Last reply by Charbo, -
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I took this from A Little Leaven. It is funny and very true. http://www.alittleleaven.com/2007/12/ps ... ing-e.html
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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I Heard this from my dad. (I think) This is not exactly like I first heard it, (I think) but the essentials are the same I hope you like it. The Inflatable Boy There was an inflatable boy who was getting bored at his inflatable school, so one day he walked out of his inflatable classroom and walked down the inflatable hallway. As he was walking, the inflatable principal walked by saying, "What are you doing here?" In fright the inflatable boy pulled aout a pin and popped the principal. A minute later the inflatable boy was out of the inflatable school. Looking back he said to himself, "I don't like that school!" So he took out his pin and popped the inflatable …
Last reply by John81, -
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A lawyer, doctor, and preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped. However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it. The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out." He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this buck!" Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."
Last reply by amblivion, -
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A Letter From Junior Camp Dear Mom, Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it wa…
Last reply by lettheredeemedsayso, -
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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want t…
Last reply by John81, -
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Woman's Secret > > A woman's secret to a happy relationship > > > >There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 >years. > >They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had > >kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a >shoe > >box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to > >open or ask her > >about. > > > > > > > >For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day >the > >little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not > …
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Last reply by Bouncing Bill, -
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One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and reads her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?” “Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, Isn’t that obvious? “You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her. “I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.” “Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I’ll have to c…
Last reply by Standing Firm In Christ, -
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An old Texas cowhand was giving his granddaughter some advice. "Sweetheart, do you want to live a long, productive life?" "Yes, Grandpa!" "Well, yuh take ye a pinch of gun powder, and put it in your oatmeal every mornin'." "OK, Grandpa!" So, every morning, that little girl put a pinch of gunpowder in her oatmeal and stirred it all up. Ladies and Gentlemen, that little girl just passed away at age 103. She left nine children. She left twenty-one grandchildren. She left thirty-four great grandchildren. And she left a forty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Last reply by SGO, -
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A man is talking about a subject, and a man with an evil spirit disagrees and leaves, and he finds seven more wicked men then himself, and they form a committee! ok, that seemed funny to me earlier.
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
A Memorial
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The 7-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied , still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audibl…
Last reply by Mike,