Humor
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945 topics in this forum
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True Love :wedding:
Last reply by John81, -
Hmmmmmm...
by Jerry- 3 replies
- 779 views
01. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead? 02. Why do banks charge a fee on
Last reply by BamaAngel, -
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A guy gets shipwrecked on an island and after 15 years a ship finally spots him and picks him up. As they are leaving the Captain and the guy are standing at the rail looking back on the island and the three huts on the beach. The Captain asks "What's that hut on the left?" and the guy says "thats my house." The Captain then asks "Whats the hut on the right?" The guy answers "thats my church." The Captain ponders this for a bit and then say "Well whats the hut in the middle?" They guy says "ohh thats the church I used to go to." Enjoy C
Last reply by Colin Stolzer, -
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After being interviewed By the school administration, the eager teaching prospect Said: "Let me see If I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and Fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify Their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and Even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, Check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and Raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, Fair p…
Last reply by IM4given, -
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Original Message ----- Subject: FW: Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple Creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding Plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to A water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, More pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. P…
Last reply by IM4given, -
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- Administrators
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the ground... :pray
Last reply by Ron, -
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SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!! A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop. A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake. The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not. The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I have no pain. The capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze. The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall. The orange ones, very big and bright Prevent my leg cramps in the night. Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills. But wha…
Last reply by firstlove, -
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THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN: 1. A king-sized water bread holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-lb. boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all 4 walls of a 20x20-foot bedroom. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. However, when using the ceiling fan a…
Last reply by Chelle, -
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON. George Carlin's Views on Aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! …
Last reply by IM4given, -
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She added that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed an…
Last reply by Chelle, -
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A new Preacher came to his first church, a little old country church. The first Sunday, only one person showed up for the morning service, a little old man in bib-over-alls. The Preacher said to the man, "Brother, your seem to be the only one to show up this morning, should I preach or what?" The little old man replied, "Well Sir, I ain't no preacher, I'm just an old farmer, but if I had a truck load of hay, and I went to the pasture and only one cow showed up, I'd feed that cow!" The Preacher, inspired by these words of wisdom, began to preach like he never had before, he preached every thing he had learned or heard and then began to make up stuff, finally after 2-hours,…
Last reply by IM4given, -
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- Administrators
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STRESS REDUCTION TECHNIQUE This was sent to me from a friend. It really works! Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through your nose. Exhale slowly. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You breathe deeply. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water. Look. It is the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up ... jus…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the fir…
Last reply by BamaAngel, -
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My biggest problem is that I live in the Eastern Time Zone, but everyone else I know lives in other time zones - including my OB friends! Goldie hawn can explain this far better than I can... [tube]4b7BGBa6MTI[/tube]
Last reply by IM4given, -
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The Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. I't so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just like its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere, even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-Rom. Here's how it works: each book is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their c…
Last reply by Anon, -
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- Administrators
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A woman walked into her house to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded. "Oh, killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on the TV remote, 2 were on the phone."
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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- Administrators
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Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million peop…
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[tube]k0s9144hn5I[/tube]
Last reply by IM4given, -
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[tube]bYUrdMzbtUg[/tube]
Last reply by IM4given, -
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Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder AAADD This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the…
Last reply by kevinmiller, -
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Here are some of the latest terms and expressions to add to your office vocabulary. Blamestorming::: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed and who was responsible. Seagull Manager::: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise and commotion, messes up everything and then leaves. Chainsaw Consultant::: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands. CLM (Career limiting Move)::: Used among micro-serfs to describe ill-advised activity. E.G. Trashing your boss while he/she is within earshot is a serious CLM. Depotphobia::: Fear associated with entering a Costco or…
Last reply by Bear, -
church kids!
by Ron- 0 replies
- 652 views
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particul…
Last reply by Ron, -
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[tube]Z4Y4keqTV6w[/tube]
Last reply by Evan57, -
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A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines Enabling customers to withdraw cash Without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are Requested to use the procedures outlined Below when accessing their accounts." "After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate Steps for your gender." MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6…
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
- 8 replies
- 893 views
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. …
Last reply by Tim,